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After reading Gambits threads, and the responses.......i sat and did some soul searching. Although im not gay/bi by any means.......i am starting to become disinterested in men.

If i meet someone nice, im always on edge.....'knowing' hes going to disappoint me, so i walk.

I guess im learning through 'others' experiences.

Are there any happy relationships out here, anymore...? Frown
```````````````````````` "Dipped in chocolate, bronzed with elegance, enameled with grace, toasted with beauty. "My Lord, she is a Black woman!" -Yosef Ben-Jochannan
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You can't be blamed for this. The reality is relationships are not in good shape and they're getting worse. If you did'nt have your guard up, you would be even angrier. You've been my homegirl for awhile now, so you know me pretty well. Don't take my comments as wanting relationships dead and buried. I just feel we need to change how we approach and deal with them. We've been doing the same things over and over with the same miserable results. We just need to blaze a new path is all... Wink
Okay I was browsing and came upon this and decided to post...

To answer your question "are there any happy relationships out there" I would have to say yes, I'm in one. I think you would probably see more happy relationships if you didn't walk into the "meeting" or whatever you want to call it expecting that person to be bad or not what your looking for. I have a little advice to give...stop living and going off of other people's experiences. I know that it's good to learn from others mistakes and stuff, but if you do that you run the risk of not finding your happiness. I also think that you should probably think about not looking for relationships or anything like that...take time to do some more soul searching and you'll find that you probably really aren't unattracted to men but your afraid of having your own bad stories to tell. I think it really just takes time and this whole I'm unattracted to men now days is just something most people go through...I know I did because I was witnessing and being apart of really bad and unhealthy relationships. But once I did some deep soul searching I relized what my problems were and how it was time that I fixed them and be happy with me and once I did that I found my man that I'm with now...I never would have thought that a drama free but loving relationship existed. Now I know it does.

So the best piece of advice there is to give is to just be with you and think of you and try to be open...everyone isn't like the last person you met or heard from Smile
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
After reading Gambits threads, and the responses.......i sat and did some soul searching. Although im not gay/bi by any means.......i am starting to become disinterested in men.


This is understandable... from a woman's vantage point, the relationships we sometimes have with men..

are painful...

and the attempts at reconciliation....
trying to get men to understand our hurt and pain and work with us to heal... can feel like an impossible task.....

I know very few women that do not go through some sort of "I need to remove myself from all men" phase...

trust me... Wink

know that... in your pain is still a message of longing.... your post (please forgive me if I'm misinterpreting your intent)... sounds like someone who has a missed opportunity...

it reads like:

"I want a man....... but have not found one yet... so... I'm going to give up.."

and oh how easy it is to do...

but one doesn't place such emotion (even negative) with something the person doesn't love (YEAH GAMBIT, I SAID IT!)...

When I would argue with my ex... I could always guage how important an issue was by how much emotion he put into his position, I didn't always agree... but I would step back a little, because I knew he needed space to be heard and understood....

Sometimes you may not be able to go to the source of your pain, a man may not be able to "hear" you....

but I wouldn't suggest going it alone, lest you fall into depression....

if there are men or women around you that allow your positive self to express itself, keep them around... don't cut yourself off...

males are plentiful.... but a man fitted for you may not be.... so... to find him, revel in what life has to offer you...

he'll find you there, or you will find each other...

when I was in college(before Islam), every man that I met seemed to want some part of me.... no one could accept the nuances of my personality.... I felt too complex, I felt like I had to be ONE thing for this guy and another thing for this one.... until I crashed because I didn't really like any of them, because they didn't truly like me... they couldn't possibly like me they didn't trulyKNOW me... they liked what aspect of me they saw....

so I got depressed, cut off everybody, and went into a bitter funk....

I talked to my cousin one day, and told her these things... and she said, "Sweetie, go involve yourself in "life" discover what things of life make you happy, pique your interest, etc.. and always make it known that you are available to share your experiences"... so, I did.. and well the result would have to be shared by PM Big Grin

The point here is... contrary to removing yourself from men (negative reaction), replace your angst with a focus on the beauty of life from your stand point.... and you may find a beautiful man sharing your space within an hour, within days, weeks, months or a few years... don't shut the door, because he may be there now.... but at least, in the meantime, you'll be appreciating yourself more so that when you are ready for a relationship, it will happen, a relationship will come to you...

because it will be time....

quote:
If i meet someone nice, im always on edge.....'knowing' hes going to disappoint me, so i walk.


Because frankly, men disappoint based off of the standards we have... and some of our standards are so basic that haven't been met, we have to question whether or not its worth being with a man.... but, it is *erm* men rock!

When you're in a good relationship.... You know, it just feels good.... you feel good, better...

Men can be like drugs...

unfortunately, you just keep getting bad hits..

lol!

just tripping please don't take that seriously....

quote:
I guess im learning through 'others' experiences.


This is natural.. we often look around to guage and measure.... it can give us good perspective.... no one walks through life with blinders on....

but, be scientific in your study..... there are lots of bad relationships... yes... but let that be the control in your experiment (What NOT to do)..seek out what you see as "good" relationships and bring out your microscope... and let the findings soak your heart..

and give you hope..

quote:
Are there any happy relationships out here, anymore...? Frown


Yes...

trust me..

PM me if you like...



Peace Sister,
Virtue
In todays reality, you must be prepared for anything. Like in my other thread "Hope for the Best but prepare for the worst". For instance, my divorce taught me that I had always been right. I allowed other peoples expectations to make me drop my guard. Luckily, my guard is never fully dropped. I've taken both monetary and legal steps to insure that, if I ever get involved with anyone again and the relationship is blissful or hell on earth, I'm alright. I won't actually lose anything of value or enable me to endure any hardship that might arise. I'm prepared. Never go into any encounter with blinders on,just because everyone else has a romance novel outlook. It's one thing to have an open mind, it's another to have a target on your chest.
Yes...

It is also imperative not to fear humanity.... not to fear vulnerability..... protection is wise... there is no either or here...

but you are not wrong or foolish for loving or wanting love...

we give family and babies love....

love being encompassed by compassion, tenderness, longing, caring, sweetness etc...

you do not have to give up strong affection for someone... to guard yourself....

for in giving up loving... you also give up being loved...

the opposite of love... is bitterness and hatred...

protect yourself from the pitfalls of Everything... including bad money investments... bad legal advise.... bad decision to fight... and bad decisions about love...

but do not cut of such an essential ingredient in the beauty of our lives....

again.... there is a process a method to follow... one should not give themselves willingly without protecting their heart... in Islam we have the courtship process... in the world we have our own wits and standards and patience as we mine through our relationships.... and those that are sustaining and have shown themselves worthy are what we keep..

the reward?

to know love and know what it means to be loved...

to not walk around in fear of men... hatred of men ... or bitterness of men... but wary enough of men so that your heart is not stomped on....

I mourn the day that society places material gain and material protection over and in place of sustenance for the heart.... love...

a cold society indeed...



Peace,
Virtue
Last edited {1}
quote:
Originally posted by virtue:
I mourn the day that society places material gain and material protection over and in place of sustenance for the heart.... love...

a cold society indeed...


But virtue, society has been that way since it's inception. Sustenance for the heart ie. love is a quaint and lovely ideal..but that's all it has ever been and will be...ideal. It's unobtainable as a greater whole. Love is akin to The Midgard Serpent of ancient Norse myth; It's naturally all consuming. The more you feed "love" the more it wants. That becomes all the traits that turn women and men into non trusting individuals. I hope this a good analogy I'm getting ready to use: Would I find qty226 desirable?..Hell yeah! Would I approach her with the expectation that on the slim and off chance,that not only will she fall for me but that she'll be all that my heart needs to be complete? No. I know that this against human nature. Will my guard be up with her? Yes. It has to be. Because I know, she and I are still human beings; and you should'nt trust another human being as far as you can throw the rotunda of the Capital Building. We are flawed beings; we are not inheriently noble and wanting "true love". Extend an olive branch with one hand, but keep a dagger hidden up the sleeve of the other; because it's better to be safe than sorry.
Peace....

The way i see it...

A relationship cannot begin with two people who do not need one another. If I am complete, and whole without a woman, then I am being selfish by inviting someone into my perfect life, the same as a woman would be wrong for inviting me into her perfected life. When we have found something perfect, we do not want anyone to mess with it. We invite them in, however with endless rules.

We should know that a good fulfilling relationship is one where both people enter into the relationship imperfect striving to become better and realizing that they need one another on the journey toward self improvement.

If we do not expect perfection we open our partner to the opportunity to bear themselves in all of their imperfections, and by allowing this we make room for them to work on overcoming them.

The relationship is sweet when both people work together on the same objective. When you find a partner, you have found an ally. This is the where love is formed...

If you are to ever find love, you must open yourself to being hurt..You cannot find love and have a backdoor escape route.



Kai
quote:
Originally posted by Saracen:
Peace....

The way i see it...

A relationship cannot begin with two people who do not need one another. If I am complete, and whole without a woman, then I am being selfish by inviting someone into my perfect life, the same as a woman would be wrong for inviting me into her perfected life. When we have found something perfect, we do not want anyone to mess with it. We invite them in, however with endless rules.

We should know that a good fulfilling relationship is one where both people enter into the relationship imperfect striving to become better and realizing that they need one another on the journey toward self improvement.

If we do not expect perfection we open our partner to the opportunity to bear themselves in all of their imperfections, and by allowing this we make room for them to work on overcoming them.

The relationship is sweet when both people work together on the same objective. When you find a partner, you have found an ally. This is the where love is formed...

If you are to ever find love, you must open yourself to being hurt..You cannot find love and have a backdoor escape route.



Kai



I must say that I strongly agree with this...
Sorry i havent been around to respond to this forum.......my life is changing, so i've been a little busy. Smile

What i've noticed is that most here, feel i should take this time, for myself. Actually im doing just that. Im not a serial dater, and i get to the point where i think about being in a relationship.

But i think Virtue really hit home my feelings...

"I want a man....... but have not found one yet... so... I'm going to give up.."

Yes, this causes me to withdraw.....


Saracens Comment, gave me food for thought....

Maybe im running into men that already have perfect lives. Their jobs, homes, cars.....and really have no need for a woman in my position.

So i guess my job is to wait.......for an imperfect man.

This sounds harsh.....but i guess i understand.

*Im going to be single for a longgggg time*
Frown
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:

So i guess my job is to wait.......for an imperfect man.

That's the thing of it, Qty, no one is perfect...we're all imperfect. That's the beauty of real love. It makes up for those imperfections.

This sounds harsh.....but i guess i understand.

*Im going to be single for a longgggg time*
Frown


CoolOnly God can tell the future, so you don't know how long you'll be single. We may be having this same conversation a year from now, and you'll be in the process of making your wedding plans. If that's the case, I'm gonna remind you of this post. Cool
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:

So i guess my job is to wait.......for an imperfect man.

That's the thing of it, Qty, no one is perfect...we're all imperfect. That's the beauty of real love. It makes up for those imperfections.

This sounds harsh.....but i guess i understand.

*Im going to be single for a longgggg time*
Frown


CoolOnly God can tell the future, so you don't know how long you'll be single. We may be having this same conversation a year from now, and you'll be in the process of making your wedding plans. If that's the case, I'm gonna remind you of this post. Cool





This made me feel so much better......

Thanks... kiss

*ohh btw, if you know a nice brotha......uummm give him my numba* LOL
Originally posted by qty226:
Sorry i havent been around to respond to this forum.......my life is changing, so i've been a little busy. Smile

What i've noticed is that most here, feel i should take this time, for myself. Actually im doing just that. Im not a serial dater, and i get to the point where i think about being in a relationship.

But i think Virtue really hit home my feelings...

"I want a man....... but have not found one yet... so... I'm going to give up.."

Yes, this causes me to withdraw.....


Saracens Comment, gave me food for thought....

Maybe im running into men that already have perfect lives. Their jobs, homes, cars.....and really have no need for a woman in my position.

So i guess my job is to wait.......for an imperfect man.

This sounds harsh.....but i guess i understand.

*Im going to be single for a longgggg time*
Frown

-----------------------

Qty, being single for a longgggggg time is much better than being with someone when it isn't quite right, or rushing it. I know ALL about rushing things. After my divorce I was engaged again within a year. I can honestly say, I truly truly LOVED this man [my ex fiance]. . .and I know he loved me too. We had so much in common; he was my best friend in the whole wide world.

But he also wanted a house full of children. I almost married him knowing I didn't feel the same way. I'm just not cut out for a house full of kids, and at my age now, I'd only be willing to have 1 or 2 more--MAYBE!!!!

It came down to this -- he wanted more than I was willing to give, and he deserved to have what he wanted in life. . .even if it didn't include me.

When I look at it now. . .I am sooooooooo glad I didn't marry him. As much as I loved him, I am sooooooooooooooooo glad I do not have a house full of kids. It just wasn't right that I marry him feeling this way. Eventually, I broke it off. . .and it was a hard thing to do because I loved him.

Still, I'm glad I chose not to get married at the time.Smile Being single is cool for me right now.

And the next man in my life won't need a 100 kids to call him "daddy." lol

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a house full of kids????

{Fab Faints}

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