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After reading Gambits threads, and the responses.......i sat and did some soul searching. Although im not gay/bi by any means.......i am starting to become disinterested in men.

If i meet someone nice, im always on edge.....'knowing' hes going to disappoint me, so i walk.

I guess im learning through 'others' experiences.

Are there any happy relationships out here, anymore...? Frown
```````````````````````` "Dipped in chocolate, bronzed with elegance, enameled with grace, toasted with beauty. "My Lord, she is a Black woman!" -Yosef Ben-Jochannan
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You can't be blamed for this. The reality is relationships are not in good shape and they're getting worse. If you did'nt have your guard up, you would be even angrier. You've been my homegirl for awhile now, so you know me pretty well. Don't take my comments as wanting relationships dead and buried. I just feel we need to change how we approach and deal with them. We've been doing the same things over and over with the same miserable results. We just need to blaze a new path is all... Wink
Okay I was browsing and came upon this and decided to post...

To answer your question "are there any happy relationships out there" I would have to say yes, I'm in one. I think you would probably see more happy relationships if you didn't walk into the "meeting" or whatever you want to call it expecting that person to be bad or not what your looking for. I have a little advice to give...stop living and going off of other people's experiences. I know that it's good to learn from others mistakes and stuff, but if you do that you run the risk of not finding your happiness. I also think that you should probably think about not looking for relationships or anything like that...take time to do some more soul searching and you'll find that you probably really aren't unattracted to men but your afraid of having your own bad stories to tell. I think it really just takes time and this whole I'm unattracted to men now days is just something most people go through...I know I did because I was witnessing and being apart of really bad and unhealthy relationships. But once I did some deep soul searching I relized what my problems were and how it was time that I fixed them and be happy with me and once I did that I found my man that I'm with now...I never would have thought that a drama free but loving relationship existed. Now I know it does.

So the best piece of advice there is to give is to just be with you and think of you and try to be open...everyone isn't like the last person you met or heard from Smile
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
After reading Gambits threads, and the responses.......i sat and did some soul searching. Although im not gay/bi by any means.......i am starting to become disinterested in men.


This is understandable... from a woman's vantage point, the relationships we sometimes have with men..

are painful...

and the attempts at reconciliation....
trying to get men to understand our hurt and pain and work with us to heal... can feel like an impossible task.....

I know very few women that do not go through some sort of "I need to remove myself from all men" phase...

trust me... Wink

know that... in your pain is still a message of longing.... your post (please forgive me if I'm misinterpreting your intent)... sounds like someone who has a missed opportunity...

it reads like:

"I want a man....... but have not found one yet... so... I'm going to give up.."

and oh how easy it is to do...

but one doesn't place such emotion (even negative) with something the person doesn't love (YEAH GAMBIT, I SAID IT!)...

When I would argue with my ex... I could always guage how important an issue was by how much emotion he put into his position, I didn't always agree... but I would step back a little, because I knew he needed space to be heard and understood....

Sometimes you may not be able to go to the source of your pain, a man may not be able to "hear" you....

but I wouldn't suggest going it alone, lest you fall into depression....

if there are men or women around you that allow your positive self to express itself, keep them around... don't cut yourself off...

males are plentiful.... but a man fitted for you may not be.... so... to find him, revel in what life has to offer you...

he'll find you there, or you will find each other...

when I was in college(before Islam), every man that I met seemed to want some part of me.... no one could accept the nuances of my personality.... I felt too complex, I felt like I had to be ONE thing for this guy and another thing for this one.... until I crashed because I didn't really like any of them, because they didn't truly like me... they couldn't possibly like me they didn't trulyKNOW me... they liked what aspect of me they saw....

so I got depressed, cut off everybody, and went into a bitter funk....

I talked to my cousin one day, and told her these things... and she said, "Sweetie, go involve yourself in "life" discover what things of life make you happy, pique your interest, etc.. and always make it known that you are available to share your experiences"... so, I did.. and well the result would have to be shared by PM Big Grin

The point here is... contrary to removing yourself from men (negative reaction), replace your angst with a focus on the beauty of life from your stand point.... and you may find a beautiful man sharing your space within an hour, within days, weeks, months or a few years... don't shut the door, because he may be there now.... but at least, in the meantime, you'll be appreciating yourself more so that when you are ready for a relationship, it will happen, a relationship will come to you...

because it will be time....

quote:
If i meet someone nice, im always on edge.....'knowing' hes going to disappoint me, so i walk.


Because frankly, men disappoint based off of the standards we have... and some of our standards are so basic that haven't been met, we have to question whether or not its worth being with a man.... but, it is *erm* men rock!

When you're in a good relationship.... You know, it just feels good.... you feel good, better...

Men can be like drugs...

unfortunately, you just keep getting bad hits..

lol!

just tripping please don't take that seriously....

quote:
I guess im learning through 'others' experiences.


This is natural.. we often look around to guage and measure.... it can give us good perspective.... no one walks through life with blinders on....

but, be scientific in your study..... there are lots of bad relationships... yes... but let that be the control in your experiment (What NOT to do)..seek out what you see as "good" relationships and bring out your microscope... and let the findings soak your heart..

and give you hope..

quote:
Are there any happy relationships out here, anymore...? Frown


Yes...

trust me..

PM me if you like...



Peace Sister,
Virtue
In todays reality, you must be prepared for anything. Like in my other thread "Hope for the Best but prepare for the worst". For instance, my divorce taught me that I had always been right. I allowed other peoples expectations to make me drop my guard. Luckily, my guard is never fully dropped. I've taken both monetary and legal steps to insure that, if I ever get involved with anyone again and the relationship is blissful or hell on earth, I'm alright. I won't actually lose anything of value or enable me to endure any hardship that might arise. I'm prepared. Never go into any encounter with blinders on,just because everyone else has a romance novel outlook. It's one thing to have an open mind, it's another to have a target on your chest.
Yes...

It is also imperative not to fear humanity.... not to fear vulnerability..... protection is wise... there is no either or here...

but you are not wrong or foolish for loving or wanting love...

we give family and babies love....

love being encompassed by compassion, tenderness, longing, caring, sweetness etc...

you do not have to give up strong affection for someone... to guard yourself....

for in giving up loving... you also give up being loved...

the opposite of love... is bitterness and hatred...

protect yourself from the pitfalls of Everything... including bad money investments... bad legal advise.... bad decision to fight... and bad decisions about love...

but do not cut of such an essential ingredient in the beauty of our lives....

again.... there is a process a method to follow... one should not give themselves willingly without protecting their heart... in Islam we have the courtship process... in the world we have our own wits and standards and patience as we mine through our relationships.... and those that are sustaining and have shown themselves worthy are what we keep..

the reward?

to know love and know what it means to be loved...

to not walk around in fear of men... hatred of men ... or bitterness of men... but wary enough of men so that your heart is not stomped on....

I mourn the day that society places material gain and material protection over and in place of sustenance for the heart.... love...

a cold society indeed...



Peace,
Virtue
Last edited {1}
quote:
Originally posted by virtue:
I mourn the day that society places material gain and material protection over and in place of sustenance for the heart.... love...

a cold society indeed...


But virtue, society has been that way since it's inception. Sustenance for the heart ie. love is a quaint and lovely ideal..but that's all it has ever been and will be...ideal. It's unobtainable as a greater whole. Love is akin to The Midgard Serpent of ancient Norse myth; It's naturally all consuming. The more you feed "love" the more it wants. That becomes all the traits that turn women and men into non trusting individuals. I hope this a good analogy I'm getting ready to use: Would I find qty226 desirable?..Hell yeah! Would I approach her with the expectation that on the slim and off chance,that not only will she fall for me but that she'll be all that my heart needs to be complete? No. I know that this against human nature. Will my guard be up with her? Yes. It has to be. Because I know, she and I are still human beings; and you should'nt trust another human being as far as you can throw the rotunda of the Capital Building. We are flawed beings; we are not inheriently noble and wanting "true love". Extend an olive branch with one hand, but keep a dagger hidden up the sleeve of the other; because it's better to be safe than sorry.
Peace....

The way i see it...

A relationship cannot begin with two people who do not need one another. If I am complete, and whole without a woman, then I am being selfish by inviting someone into my perfect life, the same as a woman would be wrong for inviting me into her perfected life. When we have found something perfect, we do not want anyone to mess with it. We invite them in, however with endless rules.

We should know that a good fulfilling relationship is one where both people enter into the relationship imperfect striving to become better and realizing that they need one another on the journey toward self improvement.

If we do not expect perfection we open our partner to the opportunity to bear themselves in all of their imperfections, and by allowing this we make room for them to work on overcoming them.

The relationship is sweet when both people work together on the same objective. When you find a partner, you have found an ally. This is the where love is formed...

If you are to ever find love, you must open yourself to being hurt..You cannot find love and have a backdoor escape route.



Kai
quote:
Originally posted by Saracen:
Peace....

The way i see it...

A relationship cannot begin with two people who do not need one another. If I am complete, and whole without a woman, then I am being selfish by inviting someone into my perfect life, the same as a woman would be wrong for inviting me into her perfected life. When we have found something perfect, we do not want anyone to mess with it. We invite them in, however with endless rules.

We should know that a good fulfilling relationship is one where both people enter into the relationship imperfect striving to become better and realizing that they need one another on the journey toward self improvement.

If we do not expect perfection we open our partner to the opportunity to bear themselves in all of their imperfections, and by allowing this we make room for them to work on overcoming them.

The relationship is sweet when both people work together on the same objective. When you find a partner, you have found an ally. This is the where love is formed...

If you are to ever find love, you must open yourself to being hurt..You cannot find love and have a backdoor escape route.



Kai



I must say that I strongly agree with this...
Sorry i havent been around to respond to this forum.......my life is changing, so i've been a little busy. Smile

What i've noticed is that most here, feel i should take this time, for myself. Actually im doing just that. Im not a serial dater, and i get to the point where i think about being in a relationship.

But i think Virtue really hit home my feelings...

"I want a man....... but have not found one yet... so... I'm going to give up.."

Yes, this causes me to withdraw.....


Saracens Comment, gave me food for thought....

Maybe im running into men that already have perfect lives. Their jobs, homes, cars.....and really have no need for a woman in my position.

So i guess my job is to wait.......for an imperfect man.

This sounds harsh.....but i guess i understand.

*Im going to be single for a longgggg time*
Frown
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:

So i guess my job is to wait.......for an imperfect man.

That's the thing of it, Qty, no one is perfect...we're all imperfect. That's the beauty of real love. It makes up for those imperfections.

This sounds harsh.....but i guess i understand.

*Im going to be single for a longgggg time*
Frown


CoolOnly God can tell the future, so you don't know how long you'll be single. We may be having this same conversation a year from now, and you'll be in the process of making your wedding plans. If that's the case, I'm gonna remind you of this post. Cool
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:

So i guess my job is to wait.......for an imperfect man.

That's the thing of it, Qty, no one is perfect...we're all imperfect. That's the beauty of real love. It makes up for those imperfections.

This sounds harsh.....but i guess i understand.

*Im going to be single for a longgggg time*
Frown


CoolOnly God can tell the future, so you don't know how long you'll be single. We may be having this same conversation a year from now, and you'll be in the process of making your wedding plans. If that's the case, I'm gonna remind you of this post. Cool





This made me feel so much better......

Thanks... kiss

*ohh btw, if you know a nice brotha......uummm give him my numba* LOL
Originally posted by qty226:
Sorry i havent been around to respond to this forum.......my life is changing, so i've been a little busy. Smile

What i've noticed is that most here, feel i should take this time, for myself. Actually im doing just that. Im not a serial dater, and i get to the point where i think about being in a relationship.

But i think Virtue really hit home my feelings...

"I want a man....... but have not found one yet... so... I'm going to give up.."

Yes, this causes me to withdraw.....


Saracens Comment, gave me food for thought....

Maybe im running into men that already have perfect lives. Their jobs, homes, cars.....and really have no need for a woman in my position.

So i guess my job is to wait.......for an imperfect man.

This sounds harsh.....but i guess i understand.

*Im going to be single for a longgggg time*
Frown

-----------------------

Qty, being single for a longgggggg time is much better than being with someone when it isn't quite right, or rushing it. I know ALL about rushing things. After my divorce I was engaged again within a year. I can honestly say, I truly truly LOVED this man [my ex fiance]. . .and I know he loved me too. We had so much in common; he was my best friend in the whole wide world.

But he also wanted a house full of children. I almost married him knowing I didn't feel the same way. I'm just not cut out for a house full of kids, and at my age now, I'd only be willing to have 1 or 2 more--MAYBE!!!!

It came down to this -- he wanted more than I was willing to give, and he deserved to have what he wanted in life. . .even if it didn't include me.

When I look at it now. . .I am sooooooooo glad I didn't marry him. As much as I loved him, I am sooooooooooooooooo glad I do not have a house full of kids. It just wasn't right that I marry him feeling this way. Eventually, I broke it off. . .and it was a hard thing to do because I loved him.

Still, I'm glad I chose not to get married at the time.Smile Being single is cool for me right now.

And the next man in my life won't need a 100 kids to call him "daddy." lol

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a house full of kids????

{Fab Faints}
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
Being single is cool for me right now.
-------------------------

appl

Yoda himself could'nt have said it any better or wiser. bow

Being single is the best state of being there is. I've learned my lesson. To use those immortal words everyone knows..."NEVER AGAIN"

--------------------------

bow


hug
Yes, Qty226 ... there are! Don't give up! 

That ˜knowing' you have may not be such a bad thing! I believe a lot of us put so much energy into "looking" for that Mr./Mrs. Somebody when in reality, we already know who and what he/she is. We all have the checklist of "gotta have this and needs to have that" and the person that doesn't fit that bill is really just a waste of time! And sometimes you have time to waste ... and sometimes you don't! Wink But I digress ... lol

You shouldn't lower your basic standards of what you want in a mate, because for most of us, it's really not asking too much, and God did make such people ... ˜cause just look at yourself!  Just because you haven't found him doesn't mean he doesn't exist. It just means that he hasn't crossed your path. And instead of looking for him, just know to know him when you see him. And don't let him get away. Wink He'll be worth your time and your interest. And you'll know it pretty quickly, because having those "basics" which is what attracted you to him (and vice versa) in the first place.

And another thing that might help you see him better is that it's really important to realize that your next man is not any of the men that you've been with in the past. And their sins are not his! He's a unique individual (all men are, really!). And though society has shaped a lot of behaviors, you're probably not looking for somebody who has many/any of those! Eek lol

So, in the meantime, enjoy yourself through your singleness, make you who you want to be, and be ready for your honey when the time is right!  That way, there'll be less time to waste ... and may find yourself going from hook-up to happiness in no time flat!


And xxGAMBITxx ...

I really do hope your heart will heal one day! hug. While I'm sure you have plenty of reason to be angry and anti right now, you've got a big heart and too much love in it to keep it under Fort Knox conditions! Eek It's not fair to you ... and you'll be much happier when/if you ever decide to share it with someone special! Smile

But "the wall must come down" first! Just don't forget that in the future. Smile
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
Sorry i havent been around to respond to this forum.......my life is changing, so i've been a little busy. Smile


This is a good thing, yes?

quote:
What i've noticed is that most here, feel i should take this time, for myself. Actually im doing just that. Im not a serial dater, and i get to the point where i think about being in a relationship.


Just for a little clarity, those weren't exactly my sentiments.... I believe you are taking time for yourself, hence your juris doctorate pursuit... you don't seem to be sitting around...

Allow yourself to take in more of what's around you....and explore more...

you could walk down the same path hundreds of times without noticing your favorite flower amongst the bushes..... because you are too busy or are too distracted with other things to notice..

be in this moment, sister...

quote:
But i think Virtue really hit home my feelings...

"I want a man....... but have not found one yet... so... I'm going to give up.."

Yes, this causes me to withdraw.....


Qty... I identify with you in so many ways..... but, I think you know this.... you are withdrawing as a protective measure from what you perceive as reality...... this is wise.... all I'm suggesting, dear sister is to look upon reality once more, do not give up on it and write a conclusion so fast..... especially not about something so necessary in one's life..... love is a need, not a want.... without it, there are consequences... you can survive without it.... that is not the kind of "need" of which I'm referring.... however, you cannot "thrive" without it..... yep, I said it....


quote:
Saracens Comment, gave me food for thought....

Maybe im running into men that already have perfect lives. Their jobs, homes, cars.....and really have no need for a woman in my position.

So i guess my job is to wait.......for an imperfect man.


Saracen is Kai.... I don't think that was his point.... not an imperfect man.... a real one.... one that's perfect for you.... one that sees value in who you are now, as a valued addition to his (not perfect life)... but slightly unfulfilled one... he wants you, because he does not have it altogether.... at least not in matters of the heart.... men need love too.... whether they admit this or not..... ummmmm lawd, can't believe I'm going to say this.... but, girl, just know that there are stone cold men out there, but when the right woman for him is allowed in, he will readily open his heart to her.... but he has to be inspired by her....

and trust her.....

*erm* "trust me" Wink

quote:
This sounds harsh.....but i guess i understand.

*Im going to be single for a longgggg time*
Frown


Maybe, maybe not.... but I hope dear sister you make a sincere attempt to participate in those arenas that bring you joy...... single or not.... you only have one life...


savor each moment...


Peace,
Virtue
quote:
Originally posted by Saracen:
Peace....

The way i see it...

A relationship cannot begin with two people who do not need one another. If I am complete, and whole without a woman, then I am being selfish by inviting someone into my perfect life, the same as a woman would be wrong for inviting me into her perfected life. When we have found something perfect, we do not want anyone to mess with it. We invite them in, however with endless rules.

We should know that a good fulfilling relationship is one where both people enter into the relationship imperfect striving to become better and realizing that they need one another on the journey toward self improvement.

If we do not expect perfection we open our partner to the opportunity to bear themselves in all of their imperfections, and by allowing this we make room for them to work on overcoming them.

The relationship is sweet when both people work together on the same objective. When you find a partner, you have found an ally. This is the where love is formed...

If you are to ever find love, you must open yourself to being hurt..You cannot find love and have a backdoor escape route.



Kai




That's nice. Poetic even. But then,there is real life.
quote:
Originally posted by nayo:
We should know that a good fulfilling relationship is one where both people enter into the relationship imperfect

sounds like what I said. beer

If you are to ever find love, you must open yourself to being hurt..You cannot find love and have a backdoor escape route.

Kai


That's nice. Poetic even. But then,there is real life.[/QUOTE]

Yet Kai's quote is very true.
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
And xxGAMBITxx ...

I really do hope your heart will heal one day! hug. While I'm sure you have plenty of reason to be angry and anti right now, you've got a big heart and too much love in it to keep it under Fort Knox conditions! Eek It's not fair to you ... and you'll be much happier when/if you ever decide to share it with someone special! Smile

But "the wall must come down" first! Just don't forget that in the future. Smile


hug I thank you. I don't think I've ever been considered "having a big heart".. lol..I usually try to avoid showing that. daz

Seriously though, I'm content. I've got my daughter, I've got my health (mental and physical) and I'm getting all of my goals achieved day by day. I really can't ask for anything more than that. I'm in a good place.. tfro
quote:
Originally posted by Shango67:
quote:
So i guess my job is to wait.......for an imperfect man.

And that is EXACTLY what you will need to do. Why? Because there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Your MAN, wherever he is now, will always be IMPERFECT.

Now, if you are talking about NOT LOWERING your standards to secure a man, then that is a good thing.


This was nice...... Smile
quote:
Originally posted by virtue:
Maybe, maybe not.... but I hope dear sister you make a sincere attempt to participate in those arenas that bring you joy...... single or not.... you only have one life...


savor each moment...


Peace,
Virtue


Very true ... enjoy this life ... you're young ... you still have a lot about yourself to discover ... enjoy the ride ... and one day when you're in wonder and awe over the magnificent woman you'll become .... you'll look up ... and your imperfect man won't be far away ....
Last edited {1}
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
After reading Gambits threads, and the responses.......i sat and did some soul searching. Although im not gay/bi by any means.......i am starting to become disinterested in men.

If i meet someone nice, im always on edge.....'knowing' hes going to disappoint me, so i walk.

I guess im learning through 'others' experiences.

Are there any happy relationships out here, anymore...? Frown


Yes, QTY226, there are good relationships out there. Yes, you to will be happy and in love one day soon. Until that time, make sure that you have a full and complete life in your own right. It is the sad woman who defines her reality by whether or not she has a man. Just be happy within yourself and with your life as it is right now and you will naturally attract the guy who wants you for you. My ski buddie when to a women's financial conference. She got a tee shirt that I think says it all. On the front of this hot pink tee shirt is a green frog with a lop sided crown. It says above the frog, "Never Kissed a Frog."

On the back it says "Never Had To. Its called financial independance!" I love it.

Remember you are young, free and have discretionary income.

You are the companion he is looking for, the bible says "To find a Wife is a good thing" it says nothing about finding a husband. So let him find you. You only need one. Wink
qty, I believe that what your are seeking is balance. Let me know if I'm off base on this. You desire all your personal, financial, career, goals met and you don't want to have all that and end up not sharing your life with anyone. That is reasonable and understandable (yes, even for me... Razz). You see to many women today with a "Do me" attitude and they're doing themselves literally. They have no one and you don't want to end up like that. You don't have to. Keep your standards, make sure he has comparable standards, and you can have a happy relationship. But until then, single is alright. Enjoy getting your goals achieved right now. The man/relationship thang can happen afterward. Just make sure its an equitable partnership.
I've had this conversation with my girl friends, and they are disappointed as well.

Since im dealing with my educational/career goals........im always thinking about whats next, prior to it happening. I have always made goals.....and being in a relationship, was one of those goals. But since im always either disappointed, or unhappy...........i'll chill for a moment, and try to enjoy being single, enjoying my life.

I agree with all that mentioned this.......


Gambit.........yes, i thought maybe having a career, and someone to love, and spend time with.......would give me that "balance". But i have to be happy with me......and being single.

So im officially off the market......until he finds 'me'. Smile
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
So im officially off the market......until he finds 'me'. Smile


Qty, just do me a favor ... don't be one of those sistas who

1) Go to a party with their girls and - the ENTIRE NIGHT LONG - form in a circle so tight amongst themselves that they neither meet anyone new (male or female) nor make themselves available to meet anyone new.

2) Never go anywhere and wonder why you don't meet anyone.

3) Never go to new places or try new things and wonder why you meet the same old people and the same types of people.

4) Get super involved in church and use Jesus as a man substitute.

If you do these things, "he" won't have a chance to find you ....

Having said that ... travel the world ... tour the motherland ... join a book club ... frequent your favorite cafe where they do slam poetry ... write a novel ... go to the beach ... and have a great life!
Last edited {1}
quote:
Originally posted by HonestBrother:
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
So im officially off the market......until he finds 'me'. Smile


Qty, just do me a favor ... don't be one of those sistas who

1) Go to a party with their girls and - the ENTIRE NIGHT LONG - form in a circle so tight amongst themselves that they neither meet anyone new (male or female) nor make themselves available to meet anyone new.

2) Never go anywhere and wonder why you don't meet anyone.

3) Never go to new places or try new things and wonder why you meet the same old people and the same types of people.

4) Get super involved in church and use Jesus as a man substitute.

If you do these things, "he" won't have a chance to find you ....

Having said that ... travel the world ... tour the motherland ... join a book club ... frequent your favorite cafe where they do slam poetry ... write a novel ... go to the beach ... and have a great life!



HB...this was really nice!! Doing all of this, should keep me busy for a while. Smile



Tre..... cabbage Smile
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
quote:
Originally posted by Shango67:
That is the worst thing you could do.


I beg your pardon? Confused



Don't mean to offend ... but it is soooooo pathetic ... the ones going "I don't need a man .... I already know the man who treats me right ... Jesus."

Soon as I hear that (speaking as a man) I go in the opposite direction.

God was not intended to function as a substitute for a human relationship. And when I hear that type of talk I can't help but to think that this is a mentality that has bought in to the hype and has capitulated to the destruction of the black man.

It reminds me of European aristocrats who when they couldn't marry off their daughters sent them off to convents (to marry god as it were)... and what I see happening among single black church going women is the normalization of this "approach" ...

It's the worst thing you can do because the other behaviors are merely self-defeating ... this is the one thing that's indicative of a serious underlying neurosis ...

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing per se wrong with being involved in a church or becoming more spiritual ... I just think that a lot of people (and churches) these days have a warped sense of "spirituality" ...
Last edited {1}
quote:
Originally posted by HonestBrother:
Don't mean to offend ... but it is soooooo pathetic ... the ones going "I don't need a man .... I already know the man who treats me right ... Jesus."

Soon as I hear that (speaking as a man) I go in the opposite direction.

God was not intended to function as a substitute for a human relationship. And when I hear that type of talk I can't help but to think that this is a mentality that has bought in to the hype and has capitulated to the destruction of the black man.

It reminds me of European aristocrats who when they couldn't marry off their daughters sent them off to convents (to marry god as it were)... and what I see happening among single black church going women is the normalization of this "approach" ...

It's the worst thing you can do because the other behaviors are merely self-defeating ... this is the one thing that's indicative of a serious underlying neurosis ...

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing per se wrong with being involved in a church or becoming more spiritual ... I just think that a lot of people (and churches) these days have a warped sense of "spirituality" ...


I really didn't want to get involved in this particular aspect of the conversation, HoBro, but you have forced my hand.

You will not ever hear me (or the 'crew' that i hang around) say that we don't need a man-because that is a flat out lie.

What we will say is that the Lord is the supplier of all of our needs, whatever needs those may be. Meaning, even if and when we do get a man, HE will still supply all of our needs. A man can't do for me what the Lord can--so in that sense, who is substituting for whom?
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
quote:
Originally posted by HonestBrother:
Don't mean to offend ... but it is soooooo pathetic ... the ones going "I don't need a man .... I already know the man who treats me right ... Jesus."

Soon as I hear that (speaking as a man) I go in the opposite direction.

God was not intended to function as a substitute for a human relationship. And when I hear that type of talk I can't help but to think that this is a mentality that has bought in to the hype and has capitulated to the destruction of the black man.



I really didn't want to get involved in this particular aspect of the conversation, HoBro, but you have forced my hand.

You will not ever hear me (or the 'crew' that i hang around) say that we don't need a man-because that is a flat out lie.




OK .... then maybe I'm not talking about you and your crew ... but I have heard others quite literally say those words ...
quote:
Originally posted by HonestBrother:
quote:
Originally posted by ddouble:
munch

leave it alone HB...
(good deed of the day)


No need to 'leave anything alone'--we're just having a discussion.


I think I'll heed your words ... I'm not in the mood to alienate anyone today ...


If this comment is directed towards me, I'm not feeling alienated at all. You expressed your thoughts and I replied. I seldom to reply to many of the posts, even though I do read them. I was not trying to start a war--I was just jumping in on the conversation. Perhaps I should rethink that before I do it again. Maybe I'll just go back to drinking. beer
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
quote:
Originally posted by HonestBrother:
quote:
Originally posted by ddouble:
munch

leave it alone HB...
(good deed of the day)


No need to 'leave anything alone'--we're just having a discussion.


I think I'll heed your words ... I'm not in the mood to alienate anyone today ...


If this comment is directed towards me, I'm not feeling alienated at all. You expressed your thoughts and I replied. I seldom to reply to many of the posts, even though I do read them. I was not trying to start a war--I was just jumping in on the conversation. Perhaps I should rethink that before I do it again. Maybe I'll just go back to drinking. beer


Nevermind... I tried munch
Black women (and a few black men) tend to confuse spirituality with zeolotry. Last woman I went out with that was like this, I finally had to just come out say it: "Look dammitt, Jesus is not gonna marry you, put you in a home, or even take you to a stinkin movie. If he is, please tell him to get his butt here so he can take you off my hands. I coulda been at the sports bar by now hugged up with a Heinken and a big screen."
quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:
Black women (and a few black men) tend to confuse spirituality with zeolotry. Last woman I went out with that was like this, I finally had to just come out say it: "Look dammitt, Jesus is not gonna marry you, put you in a home, or even take you to a stinkin movie. If he is, please tell him to get his butt here so he can take you off my hands. I coulda been at the sports bar by now hugged up with a Heinken and a big screen."


Hell ... yes ....

I once dated this one sista... I finally had to to tell her "Look dammit ... let Jesus keep your crazy azz company. I'm out of here."
HONEST BROTHER, AND GAMBIT!!! nono
THATS BAD FOR YOU TO SAY. I AM ASHAMED OF BOTH OF YOU. AGAIN, THIS IS THE ORIGINAL DONNA529, COMING BACK AS DONNA 12 (DONT ASK), ANYWAY, AS WOMEN WE TEND TO HAVE AN MENTAL LIST OF WHAT WE WANT IN A MAN, AND SOME OF US TEND TO TRY TO MAKE OUR MEN THAT WAY, AND THEN GET FRUSTRATED WHEN THEY DONOT RESPOND THE WAY WE WANT THEM TO.

I HAVE TO SAY LEAVE "JESUS" OUT OF IT. nono Wink I STILL LOVE YOU THOUGH LOL Big Grin
quote:
Originally posted by donna12:
AGAIN, THIS IS THE ORIGINAL DONNA529, COMING BACK AS DONNA 12 (DONT ASK),


WHY?... Big Grin

quote:

ANYWAY, AS WOMEN WE TEND TO HAVE AN MENTAL LIST OF WHAT WE WANT IN A MAN, AND SOME OF US TEND TO TRY TO MAKE OUR MEN THAT WAY, AND THEN GET FRUSTRATED WHEN THEY DO NOT RESPOND THE WAY WE WANT THEM TO.


I've got my own spirituality ... What I want from my woman is for her to be my woman - not my spiritual guide ... What you should want in a man is that he "treats others as he wants to be treated." ... not that he "believes" in x, y, and, z ... Plenty of people "believe" in x, y, and z and still behave like devils ...

If you have a black man who has grown up in this world, has managed to avoid all the pitfalls set for him and to be successful, and is morally a good person, then you need to be thankful for whatever spirituality he already has that has allowed him to survive and prosper ... instead of trying to force your ideas upon a grown ass man that - if he's worth anything - should have his own ideas anyway.

Gambit said it best:

quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:
Black women (and a few black men) tend to confuse spirituality with zealotry.


Spirituality is about loving people and bringing light and healing into the world. Zealotry is about forcing your ideas on everyone around you.

Spirituality is about doing unto others as you would have them do onto you. Zealotry is about doing onto others what was done to you.

Spirituality is about others and their needs. Zealotry is about you and your needs.

It reminds me of something I heard Michael Eric Dyson say ... "We should be spreading the love of Jesus in the world ... not the belief in Jesus."

quote:

I STILL LOVE YOU THOUGH LOL Big Grin


And we still love you too, babe ... Smile
Last edited {1}
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
After reading Gambits threads, and the responses.......i sat and did some soul searching. Although im not gay/bi by any means.......i am starting to become disinterested in men.

If i meet someone nice, im always on edge.....'knowing' hes going to disappoint me, so i walk.

I guess im learning through 'others' experiences.

Are there any happy relationships out here, anymore...? Frown



I hear you 'qty226',

Except, I've not grown disinterested in men, but super suspicious of them when they approach me. I've met a few this year, who were of foreign birth, who 'asked my hand in marrige', [warning! green card alert]; and, I've met some who stated that they were single, only to find out that they were 'separated' and having problems, please do'nt make me, 'go between lady'. Roll Eyes

Anyway, I read in another post on this topic, that stated that women have 'a list'; well, I have critera, (same as list?), which generally includes, but is not limited to, gainfully employed, no prison record, teeth, or at least teeth in mouth, even if removable, and I despise 'shuck n' jive' talkers, men who use 'baby baby' slang, when they first meet me, high school or G.E.D., some college, of course the more the better, a sense of spirtuality, a thirst for knowledge, adventurous (I should post this in the singles on-line, lol!)and a relationship, if possible with his family. When more than 2 or 3 of these are missing, I get anxious. However, the pickings, are a bit slim in my city, so, I have amended these criteria/list; for example, I met a man a few days ago, who was hitting on me, hard with the 'aw baby you so pretty, you smell good' type of pick-up, but I said, let's try something new here, and I exchanged numbers with him, and am preparing to see him this weekend. We talked, and he is not gainfully employed, ok, let's see, he does'nt have a car; oh brother td6. Now what.

I have another 'friend' who is non-African American, and he has 'D', all of the above. But, I'm suspicious of him because, he is already trying to make me over, 'suggesting' what should wear, and we are not even an official couple/or regularly dating Roll Eyes

But, I do like him, but like many, I have gotten comfortable with hit and run relationships. Not disinterested, but looking at 'men folk', with squinty eye.
The one and only me/Nayo...

I think trust is a big issue, for a lot of women (and men).....and for me, i just dont feel like dealing with it.

I havent met a 'single' man yet.......and will not allow myself to get caught up in drama.

So im now, no longer looking......but looking to be happy with all thats going on in my life!!

Thats fair... Big Grin
quote:
Originally posted by The one and only ME:
You are so right, qty. And the 'single' ones that I meet only want to see what I am made of, if you know what I mean...... Maybe I need to relocate. LOL



..."And the 'single' ones that I meet only want to see what I am made of..."


What does that mean? Sounds very familiar. We all want to know what a person is 'made of'; but what are you saying?
quote:
Originally posted by The one and only ME:
Ok, let me be more blunt on that one. The 'single' ones that I meet only want to see how I get down in bed. Clear enough?


uh, sure Roll Eyes

My point in asking was that other women who have made a very similar comment, generally meant that men generally wanted to see what they could get away with in a prospective relationship with them which included, but was not limited to:immediate sexual relations, threesomes, man-sharing, taking care them ie. giving them money, putting up with verbal abuse et.
Women kill me with all this arent any good men out there and all the men ive dated have disappointed me.Have you ever thought that many men feel the same way about women. I am so sick of this european fantacy of what a relationship is. I think many women are grommed by these fairy tales to think they will find a white knight in shinning armour. Get off that bullshyt, its not real, we are in a war for our survival we neet to think about how to build strong productive families. All most sistas read are they Eric Jerome Dickies and crap like that.I always ask women , "what is it do you want from a man" whats a good man too you" and to no suprise most have no idea what a good man is and really no idea what they want in a man. They wan the materialistic fantacy type relationship and there are no such thing.
Nayo: Gotcha.

Zakar: I am one of those women who has always been disappointed in the relationship area. But I have never and will not ever say that there are no good men out there. I believe in love and I believe that there is someone out there who is capable of loving me unconditionally the way that I love........ Does that mean that I am living in a fantasy world?

I had no idea that men feel disappointed by women. No one has ever voiced that to me. Sounds like a communication breakdown.

To ask a woman what she considers a good man is setting yourself up for confusion. That is wayyyy too subjective. My good man may not be another woman's definition of a good man as I am sure you and other gentlemen have different views of what a good woman is.
No that doesnt mean you are living in a fantacy world? but what love is really unconditional?

Im sure if you ask brothers on this board if they have been dissapointed by women many will say yes, including myself

How is asking a woman what she considers a good man confusing to me. Actually that would give me insight into the type of person she is. Of course people have different ideas of a good man, but if you have no idea what you think a good man is , how could you ever find one, thats my point.At least be able to articulate what you feel a good man is , thats my poi
quote:
Originally posted by ZAKAR:
No that doesnt mean you are living in a fantacy world? but what love is really unconditional?


Im sure if you ask brothers on this board if they have been dissapointed by women many will say yes, including myself

How is asking a woman what she considers a good man confusing to me. Actually that would give me insight into the type of person she is. Of course people have different ideas of a good man, but if you have no idea what you think a good man is , how could you ever find one, thats my point.At least be able to articulate what you feel a good man is , thats my poi


My simple answer to that is: Loving someone not BECAUSE of who they are but IN SPITE OF who they are.... There's more but thats just kinda "it" in a nutshell.

Ok, I got your point. We are on the same page, here.
quote:
Originally posted by The one and only ME:
quote:
Originally posted by ZAKAR:
No that doesnt mean you are living in a fantacy world? but what love is really unconditional?


Im sure if you ask brothers on this board if they have been dissapointed by women many will say yes, including myself

How is asking a woman what she considers a good man confusing to me. Actually that would give me insight into the type of person she is. Of course people have different ideas of a good man, but if you have no idea what you think a good man is , how could you ever find one, thats my point.At least be able to articulate what you feel a good man is , thats my poi


My simple answer to that is: Loving someone not BECAUSE of who they are but IN SPITE OF who they are.... There's more but thats just kinda "it" in a nutshell.

Ok, I got your point. We are on the same page, here.



No fantasy seeker here, but several of my black female aquaintances decided to accept the person they 'fell in love with', because they wanted to accept the person, regardless of their shortcomings. My girlfriend from Jr. High, met this guy several years ago, he had some issues, as do we all, but she said she would 'work with them', because love is about unconditional acceptance. After he became abusive, she attemtpted to move on, he said he was sorry; she took him back; to, to many times. The last time she allowed him to re-enter her life, was last year, Christmas, 2004, he stabbed her to death, placed her under the Xmas tree, and then went to her family's house and claimed he did'nt know where she was. We buried her on New Year's day, 2005. Now she was like many black women, before she met him, she was turning down guys, because they did'nt fit 'her criteria', but someone, said, stop fantasizing, and choose someone because he has prospects, he has potential, etc. Yeah, right.

I do'nt believe that black women, the one's I associate with, are seeking the 'white knight', because that has never, ever been an option; I think what we're seeking, is emotional compatibility, with 'some semblance of security'...and strong communication, friendship, good/sexual compatibility. If that is fantasy, than I need to check with the brothers' 'Grimm's. or maybe, grim is the reality.
First of all my sympathies go out to you, and the family of the young lady that was murdered. I would never try to defend and animal. He should be done like most animals with rabies, put down, but thats just me.

think what we're seeking, is emotional compatibility, with 'some semblance of security'...and strong communication, friendship, good/sexual compatibility

what exactly does this mean , emotionaly compatibility, semblence of security and strong communications skills?

Brothers are not emotional enough? we cannot communicate effectively. and i dont know what you mean by semblemce of security.

I do know what you mean on the sexual end, and maybe thats why women are with so called no good men, these men realize a lot of women defines a mans worth by how well he performs in the bed.
If he has the tools and can drive her wild in the bedroom, she usually will accept anything else , because so often her emotions are tied to sex
quote:
Originally posted by ZAKAR:
First of all my sympathies go out to you, and the family of the young lady that was murdered. I would never try to defend and animal. He should be done like most animals with rabies, put down, but thats just me.

think what we're seeking, is emotional compatibility, with 'some semblance of security'...and strong communication, friendship, good/sexual compatibility

what exactly does this mean , emotionaly compatibility, semblence of security and strong communications skills?

Brothers are not emotional enough? we cannot communicate effectively. and i dont know what you mean by semblemce of security.

I do know what you mean on the sexual end, and maybe thats why women are with so called no good men, these men realize a lot of women defines a mans worth by how well he performs in the bed.
If he has the tools and can drive her wild in the bedroom, she usually will accept anything else , because so often her emotions are tied to sex




A.) Emotional/interpersonal compatibility
Occurs when people find comfort and mutual understanding with another person.
For example, a quiet, reserved person may initially find a sociable person to be exciting. However, as time goes on they may find that the sociable person wants to talk more and participate with new people much more than the quiet person is comfortable with. These differences cause natural conflict but may be resolved as each person is seen as contributing something unique and special to the relationship (team). The sociable person can come to be seen as the spokesperson, while the quiet person can be valued as one who does more low-profile or hands-on types of work.

B.) By 'semblance of security', a persons' 'ability', and or skill, or drive to provide for their family's financial stability. This would include, having several skills and/or motivation to seek avenues to bring in [legal] income. ex. when my father was laid off from his job, when I was a child, he started his own 'maintanence' company, which did quite well, such that when his job wanted to re-hire him, he could turn them down, [actually, he took his old job, and hired others to keep his business going];another family member, when her husband became ill, took a job as a paralegal, and was able to keep the family going; once he recovered, their combined incomes, put the family back on top, so to speak.

C.) 'communication skills' - someone who can talk to me, not at me; whose nonverbal communication is compatible with mine/and or something that each party can learn relatively 'easily'; who does'nt shut down, when there is conflict; and who has an understanding of the 'pillow method' of interpersonal communication, ie. my point is valid, your point is valid, our points have their differing validity, compromise/negotiation;

D.) Sexual compatibility, while not the 'be all', and 'end all criteria of a relationship, IS important, and that includes, affection.
quote:
Originally posted by nayo:


A.) Emotional/interpersonal compatibility
Occurs when people find comfort and mutual understanding with another person.
For example, a quiet, reserved person may initially find a sociable person to be exciting. However, as time goes on they may find that the sociable person wants to talk more and participate with new people much more than the quiet person is comfortable with. These differences cause natural conflict but may be resolved as each person is seen as contributing something unique and special to the relationship (team). The sociable person can come to be seen as the spokesperson, while the quiet person can be valued as one who does more low-profile or hands-on types of work.

B.) By 'semblance of security', a persons' 'ability', and or skill, or drive to provide for their family's financial stability. This would include, having several skills and/or motivation to seek avenues to bring in [legal] income. ex. when my father was laid off from his job, when I was a child, he started his own 'maintanence' company, which did quite well, such that when his job wanted to re-hire him, he could turn them down, [actually, he took his old job, and hired others to keep his business going];another family member, when her husband became ill, took a job as a paralegal, and was able to keep the family going; once he recovered, their combined incomes, put the family back on top, so to speak.

C.) 'communication skills' - someone who can talk to me, not at me; whose nonverbal communication is compatible with mine/and or something that each party can learn relatively 'easily'; who does'nt shut down, when there is conflict; and who has an understanding of the 'pillow method' of interpersonal communication, ie. my point is valid, your point is valid, our points have their differing validity, compromise/negotiation;

D.) Sexual compatibility, while not the 'be all', and 'end all criteria of a relationship, IS important, and that includes, affection.



appl
quote:
Originally posted by tru2urself16:
Okay I was browsing and came upon this and decided to post...

To answer your question "are there any happy relationships out there" I would have to say yes, I'm in one. I think you would probably see more happy relationships if you didn't walk into the "meeting" or whatever you want to call it expecting that person to be bad or not what your looking for. I have a little advice to give...stop living and going off of other people's experiences. I know that it's good to learn from others mistakes and stuff, but if you do that you run the risk of not finding your happiness. I also think that you should probably think about not looking for relationships or anything like that...take time to do some more soul searching and you'll find that you probably really aren't unattracted to men but your afraid of having your own bad stories to tell. I think it really just takes time and this whole I'm unattracted to men now days is just something most people go through...I know I did because I was witnessing and being apart of really bad and unhealthy relationships. But once I did some deep soul searching I relized what my problems were and how it was time that I fixed them and be happy with me and once I did that I found my man that I'm with now...I never would have thought that a drama free but loving relationship existed. Now I know it does.

So the best piece of advice there is to give is to just be with you and think of you and try to be open...everyone isn't like the last person you met or heard from Smile

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