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What's the deal with women and marriage...

I spoke with a female friend yesterday who has been married for only a year and is "having problems".

Of course the issues are with HIM...I always say you never really have the full picture when you only get one side of the story. The issues seem to be communication as well as expectations. Mind you they only dated for about a year far as I can tell before marrying.

She thinks he is insecure and that he feels she doesn't need him. She's a lawyer and travels a lot. So she does well financially. I don't know if it's all about the money but it could be since some men do place their manhood in their wallets.

She said that they seem to keep having the same arguments when she feels that they have been resolved. I said if they were resolved then you wouldn't still be having them.

But in my view it's a matter of growth. They may have not had a good foundation to begin with and no matter how long you date IMHO things change when you get married...tell me you don't know of a couple that dated for years but got married and were divorced in less then a year.

There is GOING TO BE a period of adjustment...and it doesn't happen overnight. My wife and I are on year 3 and we are STILL adjusting.

My wife has a girlfriend that got married less then a year ago and is also calling to "vent" about the changes and issues they are having.

ARE WOMENS EXPECTATIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE GROUNDED IN REALITY OR FANTACY?

Do women really think there are men on white horses that come and take them away to live happily ever after? These women are educated, professional, well to do people but what gives....
_______________________ "Morality cannot be legislated but behaviour can be regulated. Judicial decrees may not change the heart but they can restrain the heartless." Martin Luther King.
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I know women who tend to have unrealistic ideas about the man they are with.....

not all men....

for example.... one woman may have a very even tempered husband but has unrealistic expectations that nothing bothers him or he has no emotions.....

another woman may have a fiery tempered husband and believe that she must live in fear of him

when women such as these, for example, realize that he is even tempered... yes.....
however, he does feel things.... he just doesn't readily show his emotions.....

this may or may not be something his wife can tolerate.... maybe she needs a man to give more....

or for example, if he is fiery tempered, the woman may realize she doesn't have to live in fear and rejects him.......... taking with her the pain of her own delusion and the pain of accepting it for so long and how that may have defined her.......

I'm not trying to side one way or another.....

but I think many people make decisions alone... without mature guidance...... with mainly their needs and emotions to lead them.....

I speak not from conjecture...

I have been guilty of this as well.....

but......

it is something that can be overcome......

Peace,
Virtue
Last edited {1}
quote:
but I think many people make decisions alone... without mature guidance...... with mainly their needs and emotions to lead them.....

I speak not from conjecture...

I have been guilty of this as well.....

but......

it is something that can be overcome......

appl

It's just sad and a little scary to hear these stories from these women. I'm sure men have unrealistic ideas and expectations about marriage if any at all. Sometimes I think men just say, "Oh well, what the hell, I think I'll just marry this one"
I personally think its important to date for a long period of time, prior to getting married.

A lot of women, have worked so hard accomplishing their educational/career goals, they feel at some point....that now they just need the man/marriage/children and life is good.

Obviously thats not true.

Women have to remember, that you must work just as hard.......in your relationship.
quote:
Originally posted by MidLifeMan:
Sometimes I think men just say, "Oh well, what the hell, I think I'll just marry this one"

Loneliness..... and fear of future loneliness can lead one to make a marital decision in haste......

Though.....

Loneliness is embarrassing to admit in such a posturing culture such as ours.....

loneliness can be overcome.....

however, the will has to be stimulated by a goal that the person is truly passionate about (or subconsciously or latently passionate about), along with support and the vision to see it in reach.... it is here along this journey that one will find comraderie in those moving along the same path (or parallel to it).... it is here among this pool that the likelihood of peace will be found..........

Peace,
Virtue
quote:
Originally posted by MidLifeMan:
quote:
Women have to remember, that you must work just as hard.......in your relationship.


Yes but many women seem to feel that "working" at their relationship means running the risk of "loosing" themselves or "giving up" something important.




I think in all fairness.......a lot women know that getting married, having children, etc.......means that she will have to give up something.

The issue is having a supportive, loving husband that understands this.
quote:
means that she will have to give up something.


You would think...but having spoke with the one friend who is a laywer I don't know...

She travels A LOT but wants kids. I asked how she was going to deal with it...her response...I'll get a nanny.

So I don't really think she belives she has to our should give up things that are important to her...the question is always...what are your priorities.

If your career is first and foremost and your spouse doesn't mind taking a back seat to your other priorities then cool...just make sure that's clear
quote:
Originally posted by MidLifeMan:
She travels A LOT but wants kids. I asked how she was going to deal with it...her response...I'll get a nanny.

So I don't really think she belives she has to our should give up things that are important to her...the question is always...what are your priorities.



I've seen this happen........he works, she works less, divorce.....and she ends up with the children, and fighting to make ends meet.

A lot of women are also afraid, of giving up their good paying jobs, working less, etc.........because if something should go wrong.......shes left in the cold.

I guess seeing this happen.....has scared a lot of women. Frown
quote:
I've seen this happen........he works, she works less, divorce.....and she ends up with the children, and fighting to make ends meet.

A lot of women are also afraid, of giving up their good paying jobs, working less, etc.........because if something should go wrong.......shes left in the cold.

I guess seeing this happen.....has scared a lot of women.


BINGO!!!!

And this thought is in the backs of many, many women's minds. And it sabotoges the relationship. Think about it. You are going into a relationship with an underlying expectation that it will fail.
quote:
Originally posted by MidLifeMan:
What's the deal with women and marriage...


....but it could be since some men do place their manhood in their wallets.

My wife has a girlfriend that got married less then a year ago and is also calling to "vent" about the changes and issues they are having.

ARE WOMENS EXPECTATIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE GROUNDED IN REALITY OR FANTACY?

Do women really think there are men on white horses that come and take them away to live happily ever after? These women are educated, professional, well to do people but what gives....



MLM,
I don't think it is a simple case that some men tie their manhood to the amount they make; raher it is society, especially in the Black community, that has set that expectation and acually demands it.
It sounds there is a power struggle within the household and probably the man is insecure because of his feelings of being dominated or no appreciated.
quote:
Originally posted by folobatuyi:
quote:
Originally posted by MidLifeMan:
What's the deal with women and marriage...


....but it could be since some men do place their manhood in their wallets.

My wife has a girlfriend that got married less then a year ago and is also calling to "vent" about the changes and issues they are having.

ARE WOMENS EXPECTATIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE GROUNDED IN REALITY OR FANTACY?

Do women really think there are men on white horses that come and take them away to live happily ever after? These women are educated, professional, well to do people but what gives....



MLM,
I don't think it is a simple case that some men tie their manhood to the amount they make; raher it is society, especially in the Black community, that has set that expectation and acually demands it.
It sounds there is a power struggle within the household and probably the man is insecure because of his feelings of being dominated or no appreciated.



Yes, men are expected to provide for their families financially..........

Whats happening is that, women are expected to do the same, which almost puts her on the same level........causing this friction in the household.

Only mature, loving couples.......can do this and maintain balance needed in the home. Therefore a man will know that he is appreciated.....!

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