I've been drifting around the internet at various dating sites (both black-oriented and interracial), and one theme that I keep seeing brought up is a lack of good black men in the black community. After reading the threads here, "Thoughts of a young black women", and "Far too many brides, two few brothers", i'd thought that I would chime in.
I'm 19, black, and i've been in college here in Atlanta for going on 3 years now, majoring in Media Arts and Animation and Visual and Game Programming. I've never been arrested, never done drugs or anything self destructive or illegal. I would consider myself to be what most black women, or any other women, would want in a man.
I've been actively dating now for around 2 years, and my experiences so far with the situation has less than favorable. I know i'm still young, but taking into account what I see now, and how things seem to be progressing into the future, things don't look so great. From here, I speak only for myself and from personal experience, and maybe for the few black male friends that I have who share my POV to some extent.
Some guys say that they don't date black women because "they are too strong/too aggressive". Actually, I would think that would be a good trait, however I would like to offer some other reasons.
Stereotype or not, its like that a lot of black women in my age bracket I come across are more interested in the "gangsta/drug dealer/shooter" type than they are than with anyone who is educated and has a promise or outlook for a stable future. Intelligence, education or using common sense is seen as being "white", and therefore in some way is "wrong". For me personally, i've been insulted and bashed a lot for "acting white", for not dressing how a "black person" should dress, and for thinking about things that "don't matter" (my last girlfriend claimed that things that take place out of the USA "don't matter"...says a lot about attitudes in this country towards other nations and cultures). It seems as if the more open minded, worldly, and educated a young guy like me is, the more separated and outcasted we become from the community.
What turns me and at least 2 other young black males that I know off from some black women, is the very strong Afrocentrism, arrogant attitudes, close mindedness to other peoples and cultures, and what seems to be the worship of the hiphop/rap "culture" and the belief that those who do not share in that culture are then "not black", but sell outs. It really, really disappoints me to see young black men and women walking around Atlanta with these "kill whitey" shirts on, or other shirts that glorify racial hatred against non blacks, and I would lump it into the same category as whites who walk around with swastikas and confederate flags on them.
Among the black women I dated, there was one I really was in love with, but she probably didn't feel the same way towards me. She kept telling me that I "had to change", and according to the hints she gave me, she wanted me to change to be what a black person is "supposed" to be like. The focus was more about money, music, partying, and her friends (guys she wanted me to be more like). Don't get me wrong, those things aren't bad, but like anything, in excess they are destructive. We would be at odds because I didn't know who these various rappers or songs where, almost as if it were my natural obligation to know these things. Even though i'm no fan of rap or hiphop, and I have plenty of things to say about it, I would rarely say anything to criticize her choice of music (maybe criticize the rapper, or the lyrics, or "black" society at large for trying model itself after the hate and violence in music which is supposed to be nothing more than entertainment), however she would would forever give me grief for listening to European music (i listen to a lot of French and German internet radio stations, and as well as some Tactical Sekt and Marylin Manson), as that was something about me she wanted changed. Her views on marriage were just as disappointing, suggesting that she would sign a prenuptial agreement, which already suggests that she doesn't have any faith in the marriage lasting a lifetime. Despite all the problems, I tried to work things out, but we eventually broke up.
I do not take what happened to me and generalize that to all black women my age, because of course not all of them are like that. But my experience so far hasn't shown me anything to that effect.
I grew up in a multi racial environment. My parent's best friends were white, and her kids were also my best friends for a long time. I went to kindergarten and elementary school, interacting with people of different races. To me, the idea of "race" is as benign and meaningless as one may consider hair color to be meaningless. I have dated with asian and white women before, and the very fact that I would even consider that have made a lot of black women very offended and angry, especially when you are on the train or going to the movies; i've been labeled racist, a race traitor, sellout, etc. And what makes it worse that it's coming from my own community. I've never been held back, or insulted by any other race group for any reason in all of my remember able history. I've never resolved to never date blacks, I only date people who I like and who like me and who can appreciate me, regardless or skin color, religion, nationality, or any other man-made political construct. Its sad, but i'm understood and appreciated more by almost all other races other than my own. Thats not something I choose.
So to sum it all up, I can safely say that a lot of the black guys like me, and they are extremely rare, are either not dating, or are taken up by other women of other races. Its not because of some sort of "black self hatred", or a racist refusal to not date black women, or some other (usually anti semitic) conspiracy theory to "keep the black woman down" but that we seem to be better appreciated by other types of women. I'm not bound by any sick sort of ideology of "racial allegiance", but I WOULD love to be able find a nice black women to fall in love with, but things aren't looking good.
I hope to not offend anyone here (don't dare post something like this at Black Planet, lol).
I'd like your thoughts. Thanks!