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Peace...


Is there an appropriate response for women when a man has his friends over for company? Should she leave the room? The house? Should she sit and chat? Should she act like one of the guys?


And vice versa for men..Is it rude to say hello to your mates friends and leave? Or should men stick around and get involved??



I am curious to know how others feel about this...



Whirling Moat

"Your Comfort zone is your enemies hunting ground" -Unknown

 

Original Post
Depends on the comfort level of the parties involved.. and the type of venue...

When my grandaddy invited the guys over for cards.. we (my grandmother and I) greeted the men.. chatted them up a bit.. fed them.. and left.. if they brought a female with them .. we took her with us.. and left the men to their socializing... only to come back to replenish food/drinks...

and vice versa.. when grandmother would have women over grandaddy stayed and chatted with the women for a minute.. got their coats... and then left ... if the women brought a man (e.g. husband, son etc.. ) my grandaddy would take the brother into another area of the home...


If it is a family gathering everyone chats up everyone else and it is a loose atmosphere there is no separation by gender.....


If it is a co-ed gathering like couples meeting one another then of course there is usually an extensive period of time where we all chat with one another and inevitably we congregate by gender naturally, not formally...


In fact, all of my friends households function this way
quote:
Originally posted by Khalliqa:
Depends on the comfort level of the parties involved.. and the type of venue...

When my grandaddy invited the guys over for cards.. we (my grandmother and I) greeted the men.. chatted them up a bit.. fed them.. and left.. if they brought a female with them .. we took her with us.. and left the men to their socializing... only to come back to replenish food/drinks...

and vice versa.. when grandmother would have women over grandaddy stayed and chatted with the women for a minute.. got their coats... and then left ... if the women brought a man (e.g. husband, son etc.. ) my grandaddy would take the brother into another area of the home...


If it is a family gathering everyone chats up everyone else and it is a loose atmosphere there is no separation by gender.....


If it is a co-ed gathering like couples meeting one another then of course there is usually an extensive period of time where we all chat with one another and inevitably we congregate by gender naturally, not formally...


In fact, all of my friends households function this way


yeah
quote:
Originally posted by Khalliqa:
Depends on the comfort level of the parties involved.. and the type of venue...

When my grandaddy invited the guys over for cards.. we (my grandmother and I) greeted the men.. chatted them up a bit.. fed them.. and left.. if they brought a female with them .. we took her with us.. and left the men to their socializing... only to come back to replenish food/drinks...

and vice versa.. when grandmother would have women over grandaddy stayed and chatted with the women for a minute.. got their coats... and then left ... if the women brought a man (e.g. husband, son etc.. ) my grandaddy would take the brother into another area of the home...


If it is a family gathering everyone chats up everyone else and it is a loose atmosphere there is no separation by gender.....


If it is a co-ed gathering like couples meeting one another then of course there is usually an extensive period of time where we all chat with one another and inevitably we congregate by gender naturally, not formally...


In fact, all of my friends households function this way


yeah

Except for the food part. My wife cooks very little.
Peace...


quote:
But seriously, I think either gender should speak and keep it moving, unless their S/O asks them to kick back and shoot some game.



I agree with this...However, it seems that if you do this enough you will be labeled "anti-social". In my expreience, women want their S/O to stick around for atleast ten minutes for the sake of being clowned or roasted..If a woman has her girlfriends over she wants you to stand there while they crack jokes against the male gender.....If you never walk into that, in my experience, you will be deemed anti-social..

On the otherhand, I don't know a man who doesn't want his woman to look pleasant, wave, and leave..Maybe something like "Hi guys"..and thats it..

quote:
When my grandaddy invited the guys over for cards.. we (my grandmother and I) greeted the men.. chatted them up a bit.. fed them.. and left.. if they brought a female with them .. we took her with us.. and left the men to their socializing... only to come back to replenish food/drinks


Our grandparents come from a different time..Unfortunately it seems to me that we do not share the honor and virtue of our foreparents. When your S/O comes around and is too conversational and serves dishes with too much pleasure..Men today take that as signals..invitations if you will..Some men then begin to entertain the idea that maybe the woman was trying to tell him something extra...

quote:
If it is a family gathering everyone chats up everyone else and it is a loose atmosphere there is no separation by gender.....



What if it isn't your actual family...But a gathering of friends and your friends --friends that you don't know?


quote:
If it is a co-ed gathering like couples meeting one another then of course there is usually an extensive period of time where we all chat with one another and inevitably we congregate by gender naturally, not formally...



I am familiar with this as well..But lets say that there are many people at this gathering but only a few couples..Is there an etiquette for how those involved in a relationship should mingle among strangers of the opposite sex? Understanding that by being to socialble you may unintentionally walk right into chemistry..



Whirling Moat
quote:
Originally posted by Whirling Moat:
Peace...


quote:
But seriously, I think either gender should speak and keep it moving, unless their S/O asks them to kick back and shoot some game.



I agree with this...However, it seems that if you do this enough you will be labeled "anti-social". In my expreience, women want their S/O to stick around for atleast ten minutes for the sake of being clowned or roasted..If a woman has her girlfriends over she wants you to stand there while they crack jokes against the male gender.....If you never walk into that, in my experience, you will be deemed anti-social..

On the otherhand, I don't know a man who doesn't want his woman to look pleasant, wave, and leave..Maybe something like "Hi guys"..and thats it..


With respect.. that sounds very odd.. and quite sad.. and very disrespectful... I've never experienced that with my ex...

Anyone who feels disrespected needs to make that known to all.. don't give a retort.. just a bland.. "I find that very disrespectful" should be enough to embarrass guests that may feel comfortable doing so because of the spouse/girlfriend... or something along those lines... and I would tell my spouse/girlfriend that I won't tolerate being disrespected in my own home... or if it was someone else's home if I were a guy I would pull my girlfriend/spouse to the side and let her know if it continues I will leave... and that I don't find it funny or light hearted ...

quote:
quote:
When my grandaddy invited the guys over for cards.. we (my grandmother and I) greeted the men.. chatted them up a bit.. fed them.. and left.. if they brought a female with them .. we took her with us.. and left the men to their socializing... only to come back to replenish food/drinks


Our grandparents come from a different time..Unfortunately it seems to me that we do not share the honor and virtue of our foreparents. When your S/O comes around and is too conversational and serves dishes with too much pleasure..Men today take that as signals..invitations if you will..Some men then begin to entertain the idea that maybe the woman was trying to tell him something extra...


Though I used my grandparents as an example.. my friends and I still follow this formula to this day... it is quite common in many homes to do so...

I don't know women that flirt with other men in their husbands or S/O's presence (again this is all kinda odd.. and almost surreal)... so I would err on the side of caution with accusing a woman who is probably just nervous or being friendly with any nefarious intentions...


I think an honest conversation with the spouse or girlfriend about uncomfortable feelings would be sufficient.. and if a man finds that his wife or S/O is just being friendly with no ill intent.. then I think if a man thinks his boys are lusting after his wife/girfriend or if a man believes it is possible that they could be lusting after his wife/girlfriend who is just being kind to them.. then if he plans on remaining friends with them out of respect for his wife/girlfriend I just wouldn't invite them around her.. it would seem they would have the problem not her...


quote:
quote:
If it is a family gathering everyone chats up everyone else and it is a loose atmosphere there is no separation by gender.....



What if it isn't your actual family...But a gathering of friends and your friends --friends that you don't know?



see below regarding couples.. We interact and chat with one another for an extensive time and then we all seem to naturally (not formally ) gravitate into gendered discussions...


quote:
quote:
If it is a co-ed gathering like couples meeting one another then of course there is usually an extensive period of time where we all chat with one another and inevitably we congregate by gender naturally, not formally...



I am familiar with this as well..But lets say that there are many people at this gathering but only a few couples..Is there an etiquette for how those involved in a relationship should mingle among strangers of the opposite sex? Understanding that by being to socialble you may unintentionally walk right into chemistry..



Whirling Moat


Maybe it's my finishing school training but a good hostess who has invited singles to a couples gathering would alert the singles and have activities and/or some form of entertainment that would either ease tension or foster conversation depending upon the purpose for inviting them...

And the hostess, knowing that there were strangers in her home would do what it takes to ease conversation and make it pleasant for those who are unfamiliar with the other guests to intermingle freely like games.. a topic of interest for everyone.. arranging seating... and alerting guests beforehand of her intentions.. the whole point of having a gathering is for everyone to enjoy themselves so the hostess would have to know the comfort level of all invited and accommodate them in a way that is best for all involved..

As far as intermingling with the opposite sex.. as a Muslim we usually section off genders so that is not a problem.. but in the Mosque at gatherings there is free intermingling of the sexes..

married men and those in courtships don't spend inordinate amounts of time chatting with single women.. and vice versa...

single people are encouraged to speak to one another however... at their leisure and within their level of comfort...

I would imagine at a gathering in a Muslim home it would be the same.. though it would be somewhat unusual..

In a regular home, I've been trained as above.. where the hostess should have alerted everyone regarding what they should expect in the gathering and if for some reason she doesn't..

I would just speak kindly to everyone there... male or female.. but being a Muslimah and a Southern Belle I would purposefully cut my conversations short with men and end up talking to females because that's my comfort zone...
Peace...


quote:
With respect.. that sounds very odd.. and quite sad.. and very disrespectful... I've never experienced that with my ex...


I would have to say that I share your sentiment as to the oddness of your personal experience with your ex-husband.

When I say that a man is clowned..I am not speaking of insults directed on a personal level..Instead he is subjected to a light variation of the gender wrestling which we see on this board. A room full of women and a unsuspecting man walks in..He is gonna catch a few jabs against men in general..And the first punch will likely come from his own woman ..Many women think this kinda crap is cute..

It can begin as simply as her saying "Uh honey would you please leave the the dish on the stove undisturbed until dinner.." That invites..2nd woman: "Does he do that too..My boyfirend will eat a whole meal right out of the pan.." 3rd woman: "I know..I don't know why men can't just grab a plate.."..

Now..Maybe I'm wrong..Or maybe this is a regional thing limited to the North or something...I am not limiting this to me..I have seen this unfold for my entire life..Sometimes the man will do someting sweet to deflate the situation..However, sometimes if it gets to rowdy he just has to find an escape..


quote:
Anyone who feels disrespected needs to make that known to all.. don't give a retort.. just a bland.. "I find that very disrespectful" should be enough to embarrass guests that may feel comfortable doing so because of the spouse/girlfriend... or something along those lines... and I would tell my spouse/girlfriend that I won't tolerate being disrespected in my own home... or if it was someone else's home if I were a guy I would pull my girlfriend/spouse to the side and let her know if it continues I will leave... and that I don't find it funny or light hearted ...



[COLOR:RED]"I find that very disrespectful" [/COLOR]

This would embarass the hell out of anyone..Except for you maybe..and I doubt if her friends would ever come back again...

Once again we are not talking about people taking personal shots..I am talking about the funloving, heckling of an entire gender..men do it too..We just know when to quit...


quote:
I don't know women that flirt with other men in their husbands or S/O's presence (again this is all kinda odd.. and almost surreal)... so I would err on the side of caution with accusing a woman who is probably just nervous or being friendly with any nefarious intentions...


I am not speaking of a open and notorious flirtation...More a subversive suggestion..It could be as simple as giving another man who is not your husband a second serving of food without him asking..Or giving him a slice of cake larger than everyone elses..That could be enough to send a message..


quote:
I think an honest conversation with the spouse or girlfriend about uncomfortable feelings would be sufficient.. and if a man finds that his wife or S/O is just being friendly with no ill intent.. then I think if a man thinks his boys are lusting after his wife/girfriend or if a man believes it is possible that they could be lusting after his wife/girlfriend who is just being kind to them.. then if he plans on remaining friends with them out of respect for his wife/girlfriend I just wouldn't invite them around her.. it would seem they would have the problem not her...


No man in his right mind or left one for that matter is gonna talk about the size of the slice of cake his girl gave some dude...it will come off as insecure as all hell..More than likely he will however pay close attention in the future to see how she responds to the same guy the next time around..He may even bait her in conversation about the guy..To see if she gets excited...

This is just the way that it is..


quote:
As far as intermingling with the opposite sex.. as a Muslim we usually section off genders so that is not a problem.. but in the Mosque at gatherings there is free intermingling of the sexes..




With all due respect Khalliqa, I know muslim protocols for such things..We don't tend to mingle like that in any of the islamic communities I am familiar with. This question was placed in this particular pool to gather other perspectives besides the ones I am familiar with.

quote:
In a regular home, I've been trained as above.. where the hostess should have alerted everyone regarding what they should expect in the gathering and if for some reason she doesn't..


I don't think most Americans would have a problem openly mingling with everyone..and any attempt to pull your S/O out of the crowd will simply come off as insecurity..Problem is..there is a huge risk in going to a gathering like this if you in a relationship..

Every relationship has waxing and waning..Every human interaction is a chemical process..If you hacve no rules as it relates to mingling and you visit a gathering with your S/O during one of the waning moments in the relationship it is very possible that you will weaken your relationship since some other weoman or man may be going through turbulence themselves and may end up chatting up your S/O throughout the entire evening and vice versa..

And this is the beginning of sorrows...

I say all of this in general..I am not speaking to my personal circumstances..I am not seeking advice as to how to deal with this..I just want to know how others handle this..I am indeed curious..



Whirling Moat
quote:
Originally posted by Whirling Moat:
Peace...


quote:
With respect.. that sounds very odd.. and quite sad.. and very disrespectful... I've never experienced that with my ex...


I would have to say that I share your sentiment as to the oddness of your personal experience with your ex-husband.


I never experienced women clowning my ex.. even light heartedly... My friends were respectful to my home and vice versa so that kind of thing never happened.. and hence why I say your personal experience with women who clown their spouses or S/O's was odd.. though not something that could not be dealt with diplomatically or sternly depending upon what the person wished to do...

quote:


When I say that a man is clowned..I am not speaking of insults directed on a personal level..Instead he is subjected to a light variation of the gender wrestling which we see on this board. A room full of women and a unsuspecting man walks in..He is gonna catch a few jabs against men in general..And the first punch will likely come from his own woman who will say something like..Many women think this kinda crap is cute..


I still think it is odd.. the message board is not real life.. so I don't tend to see men being clowned by women in personal company... that is why I called it odd... especially in the company of friends...

quote:


It can begin as simply as her saying "Uh honey would you please leave the the dish on the stove undisturbed until dinner.." That invites..2nd woman: "Does he do that too..My boyfirend will eat a whole meal right of the pan.." 3rd woman: "I know..I don't know why men can't just grab a plate.."..



If a man were in that setting then I would suggest light hearted positive banter.. :

"You know a man can't resist a woman's good cooking... it's irresistable!"

and then watch the smiles brighten, the edge taken off, laugh it off and leave.. or if the man is not witty then just smile and leave.. if it seriously bothers him.. again, I would suggest communicating this in some way to his spouse/S/O


quote:
quote:
Anyone who feels disrespected needs to make that known to all.. don't give a retort.. just a bland.. "I find that very disrespectful" should be enough to embarrass guests that may feel comfortable doing so because of the spouse/girlfriend... or something along those lines... and I would tell my spouse/girlfriend that I won't tolerate being disrespected in my own home... or if it was someone else's home if I were a guy I would pull my girlfriend/spouse to the side and let her know if it continues I will leave... and that I don't find it funny or light hearted ...



[COLOR:RED]"I find that very disrespectful" [/COLOR]

This would embarass the hell out of anyone..Except for you maybe..and I doubt if her friends would ever come back again...

Once again we are not talking about people taking personal shots..I am talking about the funloving, heckling of an entire gender..men do it too..We just know when to quit...


I am used to the language "clowned" or "roasted" meaning something disrespectfully negative.. if your version of "clowned" means something else and it is not in fact disrespectfully negative, then I would suggest something like the light hearted positive retort above, for anyone in such a situation male or female..



quote:
quote:
I don't know women that flirt with other men in their husbands or S/O's presence (again this is all kinda odd.. and almost surreal)... so I would err on the side of caution with accusing a woman who is probably just nervous or being friendly with any nefarious intentions...


I am not speaking of a open and notorious flirtation...More a subversive suggestion..It could be as simple as giving another man who is not your husband a second serving of food without him asking..Or giving him a slice of cake larger than everyone elses..That could be enough to send a message..


Maybe.. or it could mean that she's not good with portioning.. or is simply giving a second serving to one of the guests who asked.. I still wouldn't just automatically assume subversiveness if I had no reason to believe so otherwise.... and if I did then that would mean bigger trust issues and problems... in the person's relationship..


quote:
quote:
I think an honest conversation with the spouse or girlfriend about uncomfortable feelings would be sufficient.. and if a man finds that his wife or S/O is just being friendly with no ill intent.. then I think if a man thinks his boys are lusting after his wife/girfriend or if a man believes it is possible that they could be lusting after his wife/girlfriend who is just being kind to them.. then if he plans on remaining friends with them out of respect for his wife/girlfriend I just wouldn't invite them around her.. it would seem they would have the problem not her...


No man in his right mind or left one for that matter is gonna talk about the size of the slice of cake his girl gave some dude...it will come off as insecure as all hell..More than likely he will however pay close attention in the future to see how she responds to the same guy the next time around..He may even bait her in conversation about the guy..To see if she gets excited...

This is just the way that it is..


Yes.. if the two parties have a good relationship, that does sound insecure as hell.. and if they do not then I would still suggest his talking to her about their relationship in general.. or his boys..



quote:
quote:
As far as intermingling with the opposite sex.. as a Muslim we usually section off genders so that is not a problem.. but in the Mosque at gatherings there is free intermingling of the sexes..




With all due respect Khalliqa, I know muslim protocols for such things..We don't tend to mingle like that in any of the islamic communities I am familiar with. This question was placed in this particular pool to gather other perspectives besides the ones I am familiar with.


Okay the next time you ask a general question I will assume you mean everyone except Muslims...

quote:
quote:
In a regular home, I've been trained as above.. where the hostess should have alerted everyone regarding what they should expect in the gathering and if for some reason she doesn't..


I don't think most Americans would have a problem openly mingling with everyone..and any attempt to pull your S/O out of the crowd will simply come off as insecurity..Problem is..there is a huge risk in going to a gathering like this if you in a relationship..

Every relationship has waxing and waning..Every human interaction is a chemical process..If you hacve no rules as it relates to mingling and you visit a gathering with your S/O during one of the waning moments in the relationship it is very possible that you will weaken your relationship since some other weoman or man may be going through turbulence themselves and may end up chatting up your S/O throughout the entire evening and vice versa..

And this is the beginning of sorrows...


I don't know Moat.. I think mature individuals should be able to mingle among the opposite sex without ruining their committed relationships..

I can see how flirting might be a problem but every communication is not flirtatious... when it becomes flirtatious then I would just excuse myself..

quote:

I say all of this in general..I am not speaking to my personal circumstances..I am not seeking advice as to how to deal with this..I just want to know how others handle this..I am indeed curious..



Whirling Moat


I don't think anyone took this as a personal experience you were having.. but since I am Muslim I now know that you didn't want the Muslim response so I just clarified a few things above and will remember that you do not wish a Muslim response to your seemingly general queries in the future...
quote:
Originally posted by Whirling Moat:
Is there an appropriate response for women when a man has his friends over for company? Should she leave the room? The house? Should she sit and chat? Should she act like one of the guys?

And vice versa for men..Is it rude to say hello to your mates friends and leave? Or should men stick around and get involved??

I am curious to know how others feel about this...


Usually the other party says friendly hello's and leaves the mate and friends to their enjoyment, unless the other party's friends are there as well - and then it's one big happy party (until somebody screws up and everybody is flying out the door....lol).

Most times, expectations are clear because the two agreed upon what is expected ahead of time.

Wisdom Is A Woman Discerning!
Moat, I have been subject to and have witnessed the male "roasting" you're refering to. It is generally light-hearted and only happens with no elders in the room. Momma or Grandmomma will usually check the younger women with a tactful, but pointed comment. A clever retort from the man can deflate the moment too.

To your original question, a hello for people I don't know and 1-2 minutes of chat for people I know, then I'm going to get out of their space.
I'm sort of experiencing this right now. Male friend who is living with me has a male friend visiting. I tried to stay out of the way after saying hello, but was repeatedly encouraged to come back and join the conversation. Ended up listening to about half an hour of inappropriate stories, inside jokes, and a run-down of all the "hot" women they knew. Roll Eyes

In the future, I wouldn't return to the conversation after the initial pleasantries. Unless you know the company, probably best to get lost.
This was an issue with me and my ex.

I liked to say hi, chat a bit, and then disappear, but he and his friends always got offended. Sometimes I obliged and hung around, but it wasn't usually what I wanted to do. They bored me, and I swear they all lost 50 IQ points whenever they were in a room altogether. With another group, I might have had less a problem with floating around, but I wouldn't have had a problem if they didn't want me around.

I believe in the right to have private time.

Nevertheless, I wouldn't be offended if he didn't, but I'm guilty of usually wanting him around when I was with my female friends, too.

Unlike his friends, my friends wanted to keep some night single-gender, so, once in a while I did want him to take his leave because of that. That wasn't typical, but he got miffed whenever it did happen.

He thought it was rude to expect an SO to leave.

I'm not sure there is a golden rule for this topic. I think it depends on who is around and everyone's comfort level.

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