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The short story: I was involved with this girl 13 years ago, while in college. I came to realize the relationship was a huge mistake, as I realized that she borderline insane. It took a lot of hard work, but I finally got her to hate me enough to leave me alone. Since then, we have kept in touch very sporadically over the years, but recently, when she got my current number, it has gotten more frequent. I gave her my e-mail address, and she uses it. She lives in Maryland now. I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of getting back with her, although in a flirtatious moment, I asked her, via e-mail, "what do you look like naked these days?" What I was wondering was how much weight she'd gained.

Her reply is below in bold, and unfortunately, it's a lot heavier than she probably is.

Now keep in mind: All of the events she refers to happened between 1989 and 1990, so to me it's all coming out of nowhere. I believe I last actually saw her in 1993. Prior to last month, the last time we talked was 1997. I had no idea she still felt like this. I honestly have no idea how to respond to this. I wonder how long it took her to write this. Here it is, in all it's glory:

(names have been altered, and some specific events are omitted. Special points to whoever can tell me where "Amanishakete" comes from):


n 1: the feeling that accompanies an unsatisfied state 2: an inclination to want things;
"a man of many desires" 3: something that is desired v 1: feel or have a desire for;
want strongly

Describe what I look like naked?

1. Being without addition, concealment, disguise, or embellishment.

Without Attire, I simply look nude. If you desire, I will take off my clothes for you. It
means nothing. But, If you desire.. I will take off more then my attire...and show
myself naked.

2. Having no means of defense or protection; open; unarmed; defenseless

If I take off more then my attire.. the experience becomes a genuine connection.
Something I have always desired to have with you. I must agree with you, before
any connection is made.. you have to see me naked.

Naked? Here's Naked! Here are some naked facts.

The truth about us!

When I first met you, I was blown away. I could not have been more excited to see
you at my door! My heart use to beat very fast every time you came to the door.
Back then, I could not be more excited to see anyone ..I would have turned away a
Prince and Michael Jackson serenade in favor of you. I do not regret sleeping with
you, because I adored you. I do regret that our first time together was so early. ..... I was just too young and
wounded to be anything other than dysfunctional. ... Things
between us spiraled downhill , along with my self-esteem.

There is something I know for sure, " Love" does not come from any physical
relationship! It comes from a spiritual connection.

It is the type of "unconditional Love" of which friendship is made. It's the type of
thing that would make a woman listen to a man's journal entries that profess his
undying love for another woman.

It's the type of thing that leads a woman to call a man every few years to see how
he's been getting along.. and listen and wish him well.,, Despite the fact that she
wants to proclaim her undying love for him!

It's the type of thing that while you are in church praying and the pastor states that
"the lord will grant you the desires of your heart".. his face always flashes in your

When a woman is amazed that the man has the courage to talk about a darkness that
she never could. When she prays for him and desires him. When she loves him,
hates him and likes him all in the same thought."

The spiritual connection comes from the "dark places" and "Light" that all humanity
feels. To know that someone else is at least contemplating this journey. To know
that someone else is awake! To know that you are here with Souls and not
vegetables posing as people.(I do not mind arguing about the meaning of life, but I
refuse to argue about the new Lexus!)

Insane love is just that insane" But True love is just that's truth!

More facts

You broke my heart when you dumped me

I never got over you.. I just got passed it

I could have been prideful and kept these thoughts to myself. But, Pride comes
before the fall.. and I think I have been on the ground long enough. (smile)

First, (an omitted event) and now this? What must I be thinking? I am
thinking of Vox. When human beings make a genuine connection, it can not be
severed by anything. Not even pride. Is this naked enough for you?

Critics say "Amanishakete, your not using your head!"
ß I told you I was modifying the names!!

That's ok! My heart was always right anyway.

Vox, you gotta respond to this one! Then we can discuss last night's "24"
"I asked her, via e-mail, "what do you look like naked these days?" What I was wondering was how much weight she'd gained."

is this not a direct example of what was posted in the MEN ASK WOMEN thread? the question being--why do women ask "round about" questions instead of the question they really want an answer to? and then get upset when a man doesn't give the "right" answer....?
Well, Nykkii: I suppose you're right. I should have asked how much weight she gained. Her answer would have been, "Weight. The weight of love." Etc. She would have come up with some reason to come out with that stuff. I'm just glad it happened before Christmas. She's coming up here to see her father. Now I know not to make arrangements to see her.

MBM: Damn, you're sneaky. I thought you were using your moderator's back-up file or something. Is she really insane? I don't know. She works and earns a living, and she's very intelligent. But she would flip out over nothing, and she was very obsessive. Not just over me, but over anything she was interested in, beliefs, things, etc. She seems a lot less like that these days, but I still feel uncomfortable about this e-mail. I'm happily seeing somebody now, and it's different to think you're conversing with a settled-down friend as opposed to a girl who has these kinds of feelings, even if I didn't think she was crazy.
vox: from reading her email she sounds like she's either very intelligent (and a little socially off because of her intelligence) or like she has some deep emotional stuff going on.

either way--IMO i think the DIRECT approach is the best approach with someone like her. say what it is that you want her to know and keep saying over and over until she gets it. it's called the 2x4 technique---keep hittin her over the head with what you want her to hear (your words=the 2 by 4).

running, hiding, etc doesn't look like it will work with her--"It's the type of thing that leads a woman to call a man every few years to see how
he's been getting along.. and listen and wish him well.,, Despite the fact that she wants to proclaim her undying love for him!"

trying to sugar-coat what you want her to know will lead to more abstract conversations about the websters dictionary definition of what you're telling her.

BE DIRECT (unless you fear for your life)
well, if you wanted to hurt her enough to leave you alone, then just tell her what you wrote to us. tell her you don't want her. the fact that you keep in touch tells me you are getting something out of this. maybe you like the fact that she's so stuck on you. even if she is crazy, it's flattering when another human being truly wants you.

if you want to get rid of her, simply tell her you don't want her and then. . .STAY AWAY FROM HER. don't write, don't call, do not pass GO. if you continue staying in contact, you are perpetuating the problem. ignore her and she'll leave you alone, i suspect
Like I said before, Little Minx, before last month, it had been over five years since the last time we spoke. In the 8 years or so since I last saw her, she has been engaged twice (both times within three weeks of meeting the guy). I wasn't getting anything out of her interest, because I didn't know it existed until this morning when I got that e-mail. So I wasn't "flattered" by it or anything. All I can say is that I have a pretty good track record with ex-girlfriends being cool to me and occasionally letting me know that something could happen, and I always have liked that. But I'm sorry, expressions of this level of feelings is way too much when I don't even remotely feel the same way.

What I'm going to do is exactly what you, Lea, and Nykkii said, but minus any hint of hostility. When we were dating and I was trying to end it, she racked up $400 a month in phone bills, literally, pleading and arguing and hounding me, and after a couple of mnths of that, I got fed up and struck back. Getting her to hate me was the only way to get her to leave me alone, and eventually it worked. Even my roommates were relieved, once it was finally over. But although she says she's felt like this for years, I haven't had any reason to think she's a danger to me or anybody else. If she feels all that she wrote to me, then she'll probably continue to carry it with her just like she has. I felt like that once for a girl who didn't like me (and the sad thing is, I've never felt like that for anybody else, but that's another story, maybe for MBM's 'love' thread), and I just privately dealt with it until it slowly faded away. Now, I don't even like the girl. I know the difference is that this girl's thing hasn't faded away. But the point is, I wasn't a danger to the other girl, and I don't see this girl as a danger either... but it's something I can't allow to remain in my life. I have to tell her how I feel and cut off contact, which is what the ladies here have pointed out.

Wow. I guess even I have to deal with some drama in my life on occasion. Thanks for the comments!
The poor girl! I feel sorry for her. First, you broke her heart-- and were purposefully mean to her to get her off of your back. Now, years later, you're flirting with her to the point of asking her what she looks like naked { hey- what do you think your current girlfriend would think of that?} smile, and then, you post her poor, little bleeding heart all over the internet! Alas! Well, I agree with everybody: be direct with her and then run away without looking back flirtatiously again. But, what wasn't said was this: you owe her an apology for what you have done to her in the past as well as any mixed messages that you have been sending recently. I know that will allow her, in some way at least, to move on. She seems a little wacko, but also smart, sensitive and probably very sweet. The part about her being engaged twice since you last met? That was almost ten years ago, right? Well, i know a few folks who have been married, divorced, re-married and again divorced in less time than that!!She ain't so bad. big grin big grin smile Good luck. ... and try not to break any more hearts razz
Faith, I think you're being a little bit hard on me. I won't rebut every point, but you should know that the point about her being engaged twice was to demonstrate that I didn't think she still liked me like that, not to show that she's a moron for getting engaged twice. In other words, she's had some pretty heavy relationships since our little thing in college, so one would think that I would be comparatively insignificant to her by now. We really weren't together for very long, and it was long-distance for the most part at any rate.

And I was mean to her 13 years ago; 87% of both of our adult lives have been lived since that period, and through all of her various issues (and mine) through the years, we've been civil in our sporadic conversations since then. And you can compare that "meanness" of mine pretty favorably to a lot of things most guys do out of just plain selfishness.

And she's seeing somebody as well, so I'm not the dog here. I hope I'm never in his position.

She's a very intelligent girl. Slightly maladjusted in a number of ways that render a relationship with her, or even regular communication, intolerable, but the reason I posted the issue was to seek advice about such a girl who feels that way. I've never really been afraid that she was some kind of psycho. I had a real psycho once, and she's really not it. Upon reflection, what she wrote was exceptionally passionate, and I was wrong to judge it as a sign that something's wrong with her. Hopefully, she realizes (per my reply last night) that I don't feel that way anymore.

I think you all would have been happy with my response to her. Yeah, the way she went about it was pretty unorthodox, but I feel a little bad to be part of society's judgmental masses, discouraging honest expressions of emotion by deeming them a sign of mental problems. I didn't used to think like that, and this was a wake up call to me, reminding me against adopting that kind of cynicism typical these days.

Thanks everybody for their feedback on this.
...and only because she reminds me of me.

Disclaimer: Not that I have done anything like that, but its her approach and style. Only thing is, I would not waste the passion or time on someone who did not care for me. It would be futile. Only someone I loved who loved me, if I was pissed, would get something passive aggressive, passionate and creative like that. Because when I bite, I bite and leave teeth marks.
i agree with faith, i think you owe the girl an apology too. i didn't wanna say that because there's about an inch between me saying that and me calling you a typical self centered negro playing with a sister's head. so i didn't say it. . . .

did i just say that out loud?

oops. i'm sorry. i know that all situations are different and individual and i don't know you as a person. i don't want to be insulting. i'm just a woman who tends to sympathize with the woman. sometimes i gotta vent.
Wow. I'm sorry, but although I appreciate the differing perspectives, there's no way I'm apologizing for doing what I could do 13 years ago to extricate myself from a relationship that I didn't want to be in. This is a girl who engaged in vicious, mega blow-up arguments over the most insignificant stuff, like whether the Beatles' music was any good. If you tried to change the subject, or just allow her her say and leave it alone, she would blow up at you for trying to placate her. And this would be over nothing-type subjects, like -- oh yeah -- like whether super star recording artists ever played to small venues before they got large. If you tried to break up with her, she would apologize and promise not to be like that anymore... a promise usually broken by the next day. And she'd stop at nothing: I once literally had to break a tackle and run from her dorm room in DC, and I didn't rest until I was on the train back to Philly. Then she'd call and get into an argument. If you tried to squash it, she got mad at that ("placation," again). Give up and just hang up on her, she'd call back. I was as gracious under fire as I possibly could have been. We all have a breaking point. It took me over three months of trying to end the relationship before I reached mine. You've never seen restraint if you haven't met me.

And as far as me flirting with her nowadays over e-mail, she's the one who started that. As far as I had any reason to believe, we both knew nothing was going to happen. Believe me, if I had known she still had feelings for me, I would never have asked the "naked" question. Not of her. In that respect, there is nothing to apologize for. Remember, she says these feelings have gone on for years. I only asked the naked question about a week ago. Nothing I did or said could have prevented her from eventually sending me that e-mail.

I have to keep telling myself that the only reason I could possibly be getting responses like this is that you don't know the situation, and you don't know her. Flirtatious overtones are not unheard-of in conversation between me and single female adults, particularly ex-girlfriends who live hundreds of miles away, and I've never had anything close to this kind of thing ever happen as a result. She's 33, for goodness sake.

Like B Bankins says to me every now and then, I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree. But I'm glad for the various points of view, because each new piece of info adjusts the world view for future dealings with future people.

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