quote:
Originally posted by Faheem:
I finally feel like posting again and I see Radio has run amuck: My apologies to brother Detroit1 for participating in the digression of this thread and thank you Nykkii for your comments in this thread.

**I was replying point for point with those that questioned me...how else was i suppose to do that?? Common sense isn't your thing, huh??**

It is clear that you understood what I was saying while radio missed the point. I never mention earning power of Black men versus Black women. This is a male dominated society and though Black women are employed in numerous places Black men are not, they have to deal with the double ceiling (gender and race) versus the one ceiling Black men have to deal with. In a male dominated society women will not earn more than men period.

**You spoke about blk women outnumbering the blk man in corporate america and incollege...i clarified both with examples that even your hollow head could understand...i'm still waiting for yor links to your lie..err..i mean 'facts'. Please post them. As for you 'male dominated' society theory, why did you mention corporate america, if you were only talking about sheer numbers of employees?? seem pretty pointless. I guess the blacks and the whites are being dominated by the Hispanics who control that large pops of many companies in their food service, jantorial, and landscaping jobs Big Grin ***



In a recent report done by Ellis Cole for Newsweek titled the Black Gender Gap, Ellis pointed out that 24 percent Black women, compared with 17 percent of black men have ascended to the professional-managerial class. In her study she spoke with numerous Black women who were at the top of their class in college, whom also seem to be facing the same problem as Brother Detroit1 is facing. The Black Gender gap is no myth it is a reality, those numbers from the Census confirms what I am saying here, using your statistics Black women are earning more college degrees than Black men, by a small percentage point. Working with that knowledge we can now see why it is important that brothers like Detroit1 date and marry Black women. We can see on most college campuses Black men cozying up to suzzy and other women while passing over the Black woman on campus and it is not due to her attraction to bad boys, it has more to do with her not being a weak woman.
**This is an article that I read and read closely. I'll add this point of view, so that it can be known and understood. The problem that many people have is the blue vs white collar job mindset. Too often people ignore the fact that many blue collar jobs earn much more than white collar ones. For example, an inner city cop could earn 6 figures with over time and extra security work. In DC, the Captiol Police, which secures the Congress, had to furlough some of their workers because they are not allowed, by law, to earn more more than a congressperson, many of those cops exceed the 120,000 ceiling pay in the first 9 months of 2002. How many lawyers earn that much?? Blue collar / white collar separation is not what it oce was. Auto mechanics, barbers, and other 'blue collar' jobs have many member of that career exceeding 6 figures a year...not many corporate types can claim that. BTW, the stats of college degrees JUST RECENTLY flip flopped...before 1995, blk men got more degrees. I guess before 1995, everything was all even and blk women all married up the blk men that were educated right?? Yeah right!!!



There is no need for me to speak with 50% of Black women to know that they all want a good man, it is human nature to want your mate to be a good person. Although the drug dealer does not have a hard time getting women this is not a manifestation of Black women not being attracted to good brothers. This has everything to do with wanting things quick and easy. Men engaged in illegal business that brings tons of cash in never have a problem getting women and this is true for all men.

**where are these women then?? isn't that the topic at hand?? I think they are non-existant or are in such small number they are a rare find. If you find one, please make her known to detriot1, if not, just understand that I told you first Wink


As you have said radio, what you believe is your reality and what I believe is my reality; however your reality has Black women painted in a way that hints at delusion on your part. If Black men and Black women face many of the same problems in this country, and are subjected to much of the same abuse, using your statistics proves that there are more than enough Black women out there without children for Brothers like Detroit1 and there is no need for him to look outside his community for a mate.

**not actually true, many blk women have children, esp in the inner cities. These single parents are the most visiable and vocal about finding a new man. I've stated this earlier. Again, if you can find that woman [notice i didn;'t say 'those' women, please provide her to bruh Detroit1, i doubt her existance, esp. since all black women consider themselves a 'good woman'


The choice is ultimately his and I believe brother will make the right choice and ignore your corrupted view of Black women.

**not 'corrupted', well supported and very real. I'm still waiting for you to prove some of the ish you said, i guess your ignorance leads your train of thought. ...Oh well, it was nice talking to you on this. It was a good effort for you, nice try Big Grin

-------------------------
When our most educated, and best prepared turn their back on our community, stagnation sets in and the men and women who are not the most educated and not the most prepared become the example for those coming behind them. It is up to those of us who are not rich and well off but are educated and prepared to educate our youth and prepare them for what they will face when entering the world.



More to come later!

Your Brother Faheem


*i challenged the vailidty of your post directed at me. You didn't do that...why?? I think it's because you were talking out of the wrong hole...here's a hint...try talking out a hole above the belt, not below!!! Big Grin

***********************************************************

Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
YO! RAHEEM!YOU HAVE one more time TO BEAT ME TO A REPLY THEN ME AND YOU ARE GONNA HAVE PROBLEMS SON! Mad brosmile.Man every time I walk through the door read a post and start to debate it in my head you've already posted somthing. The point you made about blue collar workers, is exactly the point I was going to make. Man you just spoke for tons of good bros. You know, it's funny how blue collar dudes always get over looked when it come to the "good man" dept. sistas also don't seem to factor in black men have there own business, college is a great experience, but it neither makes or breaks you, esspecially in our community where you can have all the dergees in the world and still hit the glass ceiling straight out the gate.

Corporate america is o.k. and all but it seems to becoming the measure of a man (which is odd since they make it no secret that the only reason we're there now is because it's the law, and they're trying to change that now), it's funny to hear so many sistas say how they need someone on "their level", but alot of these million dollar moguls you see comming up in fashion and music, most of them did'nt graduate from college or even go! Give a brotha time to develop something before you start going on-and-on about dateable men on your level, we've ALWAYS found ways to get something going and we still do...but I guess no one wants to factor any of that in to their little stories and studies though huh?

______________________________
May the high praises of YAH be in their mouth and a two edged sword in their hand, To execute vengence on the peoples;to bind their kings with chains,and their nobles in shackles of iron,to carry out the sentence written against them.
This is the glory of the saints (psalms149)
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:

There is no need for me to speak with 50% of Black women to know that they all want a good man, it is human nature to want your mate to be a good person. Although the drug dealer does not have a hard time getting women this is not a manifestation of Black women not being attracted to good brothers. This has everything to do with wanting things quick and easy. Men engaged in illegal business that brings tons of cash in never have a problem getting women and this is true for all men.

**where are these women then?? isn't that the topic at hand?? I think they are non-existant or are in such small number they are a rare find. If you find one, please make her known to detriot1, if not, just understand that I told you first Wink


As you have said radio, what you believe is your reality and what I believe is my reality; however your reality has Black women painted in a way that hints at delusion on your part. If Black men and Black women face many of the same problems in this country, and are subjected to much of the same abuse, using your statistics proves that there are more than enough Black women out there without children for Brothers like Detroit1 and there is no need for him to look outside his community for a mate.

**not actually true, many blk women have children, esp in the inner cities. These single parents are the most visiable and vocal about finding a new man. I've stated this earlier. Again, if you can find that woman notice i didn't say 'those' women, please provide her to bruh Detroit1, i doubt her existance, esp. since all black women consider themselves a 'good woman'




If you hold up two fingers in front of an infant, and then hold up only one, the infant will believe that one of the fingers has ceased to exist. Eek

Adults, on the other hand, can usually distinguish between having difficulty finding and/or meeting somebody, and asserting their nonexistance. Roll Eyes Razz


"La vida te da sorpresas...
Sorpresas te da la vida...",
¡Ay, Dios!

Rubén Blades---Pedro Navaja


Plowshares Actions
The Nuclear Resister
School of the Americas Watch

Yeah I totally get what your saying,it all seems so simple on paper,boy sees girl boy likes and hopes, and tries to get girl to like him too, right? And you might be asking yourself why something that seems so simple on paper, is harder than a chinese puzzle, or one of those old rubix cubes. I feel ya, tons of brothas do. You pay attention to what sistas (or I guess women in general) say they want, forge yourself into that over the years, while listening to the many criticisms thrown brothas way, promise yourself to be the exception only to step out into society and be ignored. Sometimes it feels like sistas are going out of their way to ignore a brotha (hows that for irony).


I appreciate the feedback; your response is on point about what I am trying to address. I think it is a clear case of irony. And personally, I just don't feel white women the same way I do my sistas. Here in segregated Detroit, I barely cross paths with white women I find attractive (that move me), but I find beauty in most black women.

But now, I see more and more kats who've got it together, and startin' to consider starting a fam., purposely looking to sistas from other parts of the world.

This thought has crossed my mind. I got the idea because of the Nigerian people at the job I would kick it with and the harmony in their marriage they spoke of. I also notice cute Nigerian, Ethiopian sistas at the university and the looks on their faces are free of the stone, guarded, anti-socialness that discourage me from making friends with a lot of african-american sistas raised in this country. They look like ordinary sistas but their character glows with positivety. (I sure it's because they posses a innocence and naiveté that American sistas were stripped of due to bad relations)
quote:
Originally posted by IMMORTAL LOGIC:
YO! RAHEEM!YOU HAVE _one more time_ TO BEAT ME TO A REPLY THEN ME AND YOU ARE GONNA HAVE PROBLEMS SON! Mad brosmile.Man every time I walk through the door read a post and start to debate it in my head you've already posted somthing. The point you made about blue collar workers, is exactly the point I was going to make. Man you just spoke for tons of good bros. You know, it's funny how blue collar dudes always get over looked when it come to the "good man" dept. sistas also don't seem to factor in black men have there own business, college is a great experience, but it neither makes or breaks you, esspecially in our community where you can have all the dergees in the world and still hit the glass ceiling straight out the gate.

Corporate america is o.k. and all but it seems to becoming the measure of a man (which is odd since they make it no secret that the only reason we're there now is because it's the law, and they're trying to change that now), it's funny to hear so many sistas say how they need someone on "their level", but alot of these million dollar moguls you see comming up in fashion and music, most of them did'nt graduate from college or even go! Give a brotha time to develop something before you start going on-and-on about dateable men on your level, we've ALWAYS found ways to get something going and we still do...but I guess no one wants to factor any of that in to their little stories and studies though huh?

______________________________
May the high praises of YAH be in their mouth and a two edged sword in their hand, To execute vengence on the peoples;to bind their kings with chains,and their nobles in shackles of iron,to carry out the sentence written against them.
This is the glory of the saints (psalms149)


thanks bruh. I had the same experience when I was in the Marines. It seemed like a man in uniform to many sistahs was an ignorant 'can't get into college' loser. Many were taken aback when they found out I was an officer and had a Masters degree. I'm just trying to finally repp for the blk men out there who may not be a college grad, but earn a whole hellvah lot more than most college grads. Even in hte computer industry/info system research, you are rarely going to find people that had that as a major in college or went to college at all. Many ex-military people fill gov't jobs in computer that pay 6 figures...no college degree, but alot of revelant training and experience. My best friends are blue collar, one is a mechanic at an auto body shop and the other owns three barber shops, they both outearn me and I got more letters behind my name and extra years of schooling...I ain't mad at them bruhs, they worked hard to get that status and earn it...it's sad that they didn't earn the respect of single blk women that frequently turn their noses up at them and their careers. Peace

***********************************************************

Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!

[This message was edited by RadioRaheem on August 05, 2003 at 07:34 AM.]
quote:
Originally posted by ricardomath:
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:

There is no need for me to speak with 50% of Black women to know that they all want a good man, it is human nature to want your mate to be a good person. Although the drug dealer does not have a hard time getting women this is not a manifestation of Black women not being attracted to good brothers. This has everything to do with wanting things quick and easy. Men engaged in illegal business that brings tons of cash in never have a problem getting women and this is true for all men.

**_where are these women then?? isn't that the topic at hand?? I think they are non-existant or are in such small number they are a rare find. If you find one, please make her known to detriot1, if not, just understand that I told you first _ Wink


As you have said radio, what you believe is your reality and what I believe is my reality; however your reality has Black women painted in a way that hints at delusion on your part. If Black men and Black women face many of the same problems in this country, and are subjected to much of the same abuse, using your statistics proves that there are more than enough Black women out there without children for Brothers like Detroit1 and there is no need for him to look outside his community for a mate.

**_not actually true, many blk women have children, esp in the inner cities. These single parents are the most visiable and vocal about finding a new man. I've stated this earlier. Again, if you can find that woman notice i didn't say 'those' women, please provide her to bruh Detroit1, i doubt her existance, esp. since all black women consider themselves a 'good woman'
_



If you hold up two fingers in front of an infant, and then hold up only one, the infant will believe that one of the fingers has ceased to exist. Eek

Adults, on the other hand, can usually distinguish between having difficulty finding and/or meeting somebody, and asserting their nonexistance. Roll Eyes Razz


"La vida te da sorpresas...
Sorpresas te da la vida...",
¡Ay, Dios!

Rubén Blades---Pedro Navaja


http://www.plowsharesactions.org/
http://www.nonviolence.org/nukeresister/
http://www.soaw.org/





good point [same thing could be said about blk women that feel that a desireable blk man is non-existant, but the wrong point.

If you let women judge themselves, they'll say that they are a 'good woman'...if you ask men to define was they think a 'good woman' is you get something totally different. The point is, many blk women are not desireable dates and many don't know it. You ever notice that whenever a blk woman describes why a man broke up with her it seems to be based off of one of her strengths?? and it's always HIS fault or HIS weakness??

'he couldn't handle a strong black woman' or 'he was afraid of a successful sistah'....did she ask him why the relationship ended?? and that is what he said?? or maybe she just tried to coverup her damaged ego. Maybe he didn't like her attitude. Again, I've learned that many black women keep repeating things that they want you to think and when challenge them on it, they go on the attack [usually to the questioner manhood, i.e. 'you ain't no REAL man'], as oppose to just proving their point. As ytou can see I gave more than one opportunity for people on the other side to reply with facts, they didn't. I guess Thomas Paine was right

'A long habit of thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right...'
- Thomas Paine, Common Sense

**This quote sums up most of what I was saying in defense of my thoughts. Peace

***********************************************************

Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
Thanks for the feedback; everyone had valuable insight and suggestions. From reading all of the post I did not get a direct answer but I was able to put one together as a collaborative from bits and pieces in the different post.

I was wrong in my thinking. I was able to figure this out by putting the shoe on the other foot.
One post in particular said something to the effect that women go about the day with other things on their mind than meeting someone. I could relate to that. I thought about it and I can recall plenty of time when a sista tried to warm up to me and I would give the cold shoulder. So I'm sure that I have been figured as anti-social too. Thing is, it's not that I intended to give off such a cold response to a nice gesture, but the timing is always bad. Of all the times I remember getting smiles, stares, and sistas trying to share my space, I always had some heavy bullsh$! on my mind. Nothing against them, just the typical rat-race stresses we all deal with. I didn't think of this right away because I keep stuff like that at the back of my mind with the rest of the regrets because I don't realize what had just happened until later on that day when I'm kicking myself in the ass. When I'm out and about prepared and on alert looking for some rhythm, it never happens; only when I least expect it.

Who knows what circumstances a person is dealing with at split-second sightings. Women and men both have responsibilities and daily obligations that we go about one-dimensionally. So I guess it just comes down to atmosphere and situation. People tend to be in more relaxed frames of minds at backyard barbecues or the bar. I haven't stepped out in a while but when I did the faces of most sistas easily read that they welcome conversation and making friends.
that's encouraging detroit!! i'm happy to hear that you were able to find some helpful bits and pieces from your outreach to the board.

i personally want to apologize for the sidetracking that took place (at my doing) on your topic.

one last thought:
~ ~everything is everything, what is meant to be will be. -lauryn hill

red
black
green
quote:
Originally posted by detroit1:
Thanks for the feedback; everyone had valuable insight and suggestions. From reading all of the post I did not get a direct answer but I was able to put one together as a collaborative from bits and pieces in the different post.

I was wrong in my thinking. I was able to figure this out by putting the shoe on the other foot.
One post in particular said something to the effect that women go about the day with other things on their mind than meeting someone. I could relate to that. I thought about it and I can recall plenty of time when a sista tried to warm up to me and I would give the cold shoulder. So I'm sure that I have been figured as anti-social too. Thing is, it's not that I intended to give off such a cold response to a nice gesture, but the timing is always bad. Of all the times I remember getting smiles, stares, and sistas trying to share my space, I always had some heavy bullsh$! on my mind. Nothing against them, just the typical rat-race stresses we all deal with. I didn't think of this right away because I keep stuff like that at the back of my mind with the rest of the regrets because I don't realize what had just happened until later on that day when I'm kicking myself in the ass. When I'm out and about prepared and on alert looking for some rhythm, it never happens; only when I least expect it.

Who knows what circumstances a person is dealing with at split-second sightings. Women and men both have responsibilities and daily obligations that we go about one-dimensionally. So I guess it just comes down to atmosphere and situation. People tend to be in more relaxed frames of minds at backyard barbecues or the bar. I haven't stepped out in a while but when I did the faces of most sistas easily read that they welcome conversation and making friends.


good luck bruh, like I said earlier, I know of what you speak from having the same experience after establishing a career following college. Since I'm the only one here to reply, as of yet, you ACTUALLY walk in those shoes [as a black man that has heard blk women describe the men the like and actually been that guy yet having a different than expected result], I think I can speak on your issue more plainly, not from the standpoint of being an insecure black woman or a factless, tactless black 'man' without any advice. I wish you the best on your search, but encourage you to expand your options to include women older than you normally would date [higher maturity], other races, other cultures, and from other nations...God Bless you

***********************************************************

Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
I can speak from an AA women's perspective. I am the shy type and tend to be very introverted. I think many black women are that way and maybe even a bit insecure. If a good looking guy walks by, I would not try to make eye contact or think to approach him. It's not because I'm not interested... it's because I'm shy. It makes me really nervous to think about it. I guess it is a fear of rejection.

I believe that if a guy is interested in me, he will make the first move. If he doesn't then I assume he is not interested.

I rarely get approached by black guys. Is it because black guys prefer women that approach them first? What type of vibes do you need to get from a woman that you find attractive in order for you to approach her?

I believe the insecurities are felt on both ends... I know that I should work on looking more approachable. At the same time, guys need to be strong too and go after what they want instead of settling for what comes easy to them.
quote:
Originally posted by keylargo:
I can speak from an AA women's perspective. I am the shy type and tend to be very introverted. I think many black women are that way and maybe even a bit insecure. If a good looking guy walks by, I would not try to make eye contact or think to approach him. It's not because I'm not interested... it's because I'm shy. It makes me really nervous to think about it. I guess it is a fear of rejection.

I believe that if a guy is interested in me, he will make the first move. If he doesn't then I assume he is not interested.

I rarely get approached by black guys. Is it because black guys prefer women that approach them first? What type of vibes do you need to get from a woman that you find attractive in order for you to approach her?

I believe the insecurities are felt on both ends... I know that I should work on looking more approachable. At the same time, guys need to be strong too and go after what they want instead of settling for what comes easy to them.


i agree with alot that you have said. It seems like you truly are speaking for a multitude of BW when it comes to dating, or more plainly put, the 'most important step' to get to dating, the first impression. I wish you luck finding that special someone Wink

***********************************************************

Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
quote:
Originally posted by keylargo:

I believe that if a guy is interested in me, he will make the first move. If he doesn't then I assume he is not interested.




What if he just seems to be showing up and hanging around by you a little more than is explainable by coincidence? Big Grin


"La vida te da sorpresas...
Sorpresas te da la vida...",
¡Ay, Dios!

Rubén Blades---Pedro Navaja


Plowshares Actions
The Nuclear Resister
School of the Americas Watch


Ricardomath, if he's hanging around alot more than usual then that is different. That will definately make things alot easier. I'm speaking of guys that you just see in passing-guys that you may never see again.


Thanks Raheem. I am confident that I will one day find that special someone. Right now I am just having fun with dating and trying to be more outgoing.
keylargo...

it sounds like you have the right idea--just have fun. take your time and trust your instincts!!

there are a lot of things it seems like are okay for single men to do but looked at a either really brave for single women or as a desparate move by society.

imo, as long as you're being true to yourself with your actions (approaching a man, dining alone, going to a club alone, etc.) who cares what society thinks!

i still have not mastered eating alone in public...and im talking, reservations for 1 kind of eating alone. there really should be nothing wrong with it, but i can't do it.

i've done the club thing once. you'd be surprised how much fun you can have without your safety net of girls. girls night out is always a blast, but sometimes i think men think they have to get through your girl to get to you...and when you're solo and confident, you meet a lot of people.

one more thing...there's nothing wrong with shy. eye contact and a smile when you pass that handsome stranger can be just enough of an ice-breaker, and if you don't meet, you've at least acknowledged him, and probably given his day a bit of a boost. Smile it's like saying hello without speaking.

red
BLACK
green
Is it because black guys prefer women that approach them first? What type of vibes do you need to get from a woman that you find attractive in order for you to approach her?
I believe the insecurities are felt on both ends... I know that I should work on looking more approachable. At the same time, guys need to be strong too and go after what they want instead of settling for what comes easy to them.
I'm speaking of guys that you just see in passing-guys that you may never see again.
there are a lot of things it seems like are okay for single men to do but looked at a either really brave for single women or as a desperate move by society.



It's nice to hear honesty and you have asked some really important questions. I can only speak for myself and the circle of brothas I know, but no, brothas no better than to expect a woman to approach them. If one of my boys comments on a nice looking sista and if he doesn't make a move I'll say "what are you waiting on, you know she ain't' coming over here." I have heard about certain bars where the sistas do have the nerve to approach a man and buy him a drink but I have yet to experience or witness this. A woman has a million ways to let a man know she is interested without opening her mouth. To me, vibes and body language speak very loud. Like I mentioned before, of all the times that women hit me with that certain look and that humbling smile and I didn't act upon it, I not only felt like a goof but I thought about "what if" for the rest of the day.

But if a sista wants to know how to motivate and encourage a brotha to step to them, I advise just revealing a little honesty on your part. If you like the way he looks, check him out and make sure he notices/senses what you are doing. You don't need to have a constant stare going on but do that thing women do: when he turns to look at you because he feels your eyes, turn your head (don't cut your eyes) like you don't want him to catch you checking him out and then do it again. Make sure to look pleasant/friendly and make eye contact when in speaking distance (he'll speak if he has manners). I could give you all types of scenarios but basically the easiest way to make friends out of strangers is to appear down to earth, that goes for opposite sex or same sex. It is not a big deal to be social with anyone; give folk the benefit of the doubt that they are down to earth too.

On the flip side there are vibes that hinder any approaching (which is the basis of the original post). A lot of women have this built in idea that they should play this "hard to get" role when it comes to men. It's true that anything good ain't gonna come easy but a woman could easily appear stuck up by doing this. Believe it or not, women must play an active role in the boy meets girl scenario. Just the sight alone, no matter how beautiful is not always enough for a man to approach a woman. Meet a brotha half way, don't give off the "closed door vibe". Me being a man, I don't understand the logic of women. If you want to meet someone, why would you give off the impression that you don't? There is no future in your frontin.

As a man I wouldn't shun an aggressive women even though it would totally surprise me to be approached by a women. I could be sitting next to a sista at the DMV all day and I know if I don't open my mouth, she's not. Maybe it's just the nature of women not to speak until spoken to. But if a woman feels the need to approach a man, she isn't necessarily desperate. Why can't she just be social or a "strong black woman"? Sistas nowadays are doing everything and they got everything (but a man). Women are boxing, playing full contact football and fighting wars; why can't they approach a man? Forty, fifty years ago, a woman would look out of place approaching a man but not today.

It is nice to hear that you feel that you should work on looking more approachable. Most sistas just fault men for being intimidated by their beauty/success and never consider that maybe they are not as approachable as they think.

[This message was edited by detroit1 on August 11, 2003 at 09:26 AM.]
quote:
Originally posted by detroit1:
Is it because black guys prefer women that approach them first? What type of vibes do you need to get from a woman that you find attractive in order for you to approach her?
I believe the insecurities are felt on both ends... I know that I should work on looking more approachable. At the same time, guys need to be strong too and go after what they want instead of settling for what comes easy to them.
I'm speaking of guys that you just see in passing-guys that you may never see again.
there are a lot of things it seems like are okay for single men to do but looked at a either really brave for single women or as a desperate move by society.



It's nice to hear honesty and you have asked some really important questions. I can only speak for myself and the circle of brothas I know, but no, brothas no better than to expect a woman to approach them. If one of my boys comments on a nice looking sista and if he doesn't make a move I'll say "what are you waiting on, you know she ain't' coming over here." I have heard about certain bars where the sistas do have the nerve to approach a man and buy him a drink but I have yet to experience or witness this. A woman has a million ways to let a man know she is interested without opening her mouth. To me, vibes and body language speak very loud. Like I mentioned before, of all the times that women hit me with that certain look and that humbling smile and I didn't act upon it, I not only felt like a goof but I thought about "what if" for the rest of the day.

But if a sista wants to know how to motivate and encourage a brotha to step to them, I advise just revealing a little honesty on your part. If you like the way he looks, check him out and make sure he notices/senses what you are doing. You don't need to have a constant stare going on but do that thing women do: when he turns to look at you because he feels your eyes, turn your head (don't cut your eyes) like you don't want him to catch you checking him out and then do it again. Make sure to look pleasant/friendly and make eye contact when in speaking distance (he'll speak if he has manners). I could give you all types of scenarios but basically the easiest way to make friends out of strangers is to appear down to earth, that goes for opposite sex or same sex. It is not a big deal to be social with anyone; give folk the benefit of the doubt that they are down to earth too.

On the flip side there are vibes that hinder any approaching (which is the basis of the original post). A lot of women have this built in idea that they should play this "hard to get" role when it comes to men. It's true that anything good ain't gonna come easy but a woman could easily appear stuck up by doing this. Believe it or not, women must play an active role in the boy meets girl scenario. Just the sight alone, no matter how beautiful is not always enough for a man to approach a woman. Meet a brotha half way, don't give off the "closed door vibe". Me being a man, I don't understand the logic of women. If you want to meet someone, why would you give off the impression that you don't? There is no future in your frontin.

As a man I wouldn't shun an aggressive women even though it would totally surprise me to be approached by a women. I could be sitting next to a sista at the DMV all day and I know if I don't open my mouth, she's not. Maybe it's just the nature of women not to speak until spoken to. But if a woman feels the need to approach a man, she isn't necessarily desperate. Why can't she just be social or a "strong black woman"? Sistas nowadays are doing everything and they got everything (but a man). Women are boxing, playing full contact football and fighting wars; why can't they approach a man? Forty, fifty years ago, a woman would look out of place approaching a man but not today.

It is nice to hear that you feel that you should work on looking more approachable. Most sistas just fault men for being intimidated by their beauty/success and never consider that maybe they are not as approachable as they think.

[This message was edited by detroit1 on August 11, 2003 at 09:26 AM.]



i agree somewhat, but women need to active participate in their own dating lives. 'Sitting and waiting' for 'Mr. Right' rarely works and obviously is not working for Ms. Key. I don't think she should evelop more ways to be 'approachable', but that she should simply approach men that she desires. Too often blk women are unapproachable and borderline 'rude' when a man attempts to say hello. She needs to get into the game first and then play that game to get want she seeks...IMHO

***********************************************************
'Sometimes life is obscene' - Black Crowes

Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
detroit1...

i think a lot of women can be misread as being unapproachble, just like men can be misread as being uninterested.

"Most sistas just fault men for being intimidated by their beauty/success and never consider that maybe they are not as approachable as they think."

i think this is a really good call out too...and probably true for some. however, there is a myth that goes with the beauty and success and unapproachable appearance. men and women both think that the great looking guy or the beautiful woman is either taken, or has so many options that he/she wouldnt be interested...when in reality they are the ones without dates. the security of the approacher is in question here. to approach a beautiful man or woman with the thought that they aren't going to be interested anyway keeps a lot of people from even trying. and then the intimidation factor becomes truth -- when that beautiful person may be very approachable.

i say, if someone makes eye contact with you and shares a bit of themselves (a simple smile) and you get a vibe--go for it. say hello, see where it takes you. (this goes for men and women) i also agree with you detroit that it's all about the 'vibe' and whether or not the timing for both parties is right. if i get smiled at and im in the wrong frame of mind then the timing isn't right. doesn't mean i'm unapproachable, doesn't mean im a rude black woman, doesn't mean im "sitting and waiting" just means at that particular moment he and i weren't in the same space in the universe. maybe next time we will be, he's wasted nothing--only given a smile and who knows how much that smile might change my frame of mind. i've heard they're contagious--smiles that is. Big Grin

red
BLACK
green
quote:
Originally posted by Nkechi:
OMG... talk about side track. Couldn't read it all, got dizzy. So skipping issue altogether.

Detriot... Much love to ya. I once read, I believe in here somewhere, Someone else's rejection, is just God's protection. When you meet her, the one, you should probably thank your lucky stars that you were free and clear. I like to think of rejection as my natural filtering system, cuts alot of bullshyt and drama out. I use it in all areas of my life. Saves me time, energy and money!

Go visit this site.. http://www.happilysingle.com/whatishs.php?PHPSESSID=9c6aa969a7180d5b73f087c207897d8a .

This is what I know: 1) What you get back from relationships is a reflection of yourself and where you are at. 2) There is a bigger plan at work, leave it alone for a while, concentrate on you and the rest will reveal itself and come into being. 3) Do what you love and the rest will follow (that is where you will meet her). 4) Examine your life, if she showed up tomorrow, are you ready for her? 5) BTW, if you keep saying 'They don't show any interest in me' then they won't. You go to church... haven't they mentioned the 'You shall have what you say' part yet?. Watch your words, your attitude and your actions. Just know that she is comming and be grateful for it. Ask God, what is it you should be doing right now. Do that and all things will be added unto you.

She is probably watching you now, just waiting for the right moment to smile and say 'Hello' _(is it me you are looking for?)_ Had to throw Lionel Richie in there Big Grin

and almost last... on a more drama note. If you are that good looking, they probably figure you have a girlfriend already.

My own story: I stopped, I just stopped. Didn't want to look, didn't care about it, was all set to become a hermit and concentrate on me and the things I wanted to accomplish. I swear to God, everytime I do that, one pops out of the woodwork, and the last time, the guy I am with now, literaly came out of thin air. Not that they all work out, but they have been meaningful, wonderful and a growing experience. All this to say, stop thinking about it. Don't think something is wrong with them or that something is wrong with you. Be patient, prepare yourself and she/they will come when the time is right.

_La Femme_ _Nkechi_
...
Be the change in the world you want to see...it starts with you



that's a cool weblink site...thanks

***********************************************************
'Sometimes life is obscene' - Black Crowes

Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!

Add Reply

Likes (0)
Post
×
×
×
×