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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."
quote:
Originally posted by Sandye:
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."


It is hard, ok, nearly impossible to win!
You Know You're Lazy When...

*You turn on the TV, crawl into bed and watch 3 hours of wrestling because the remote control is on the other side of the room

*You don't move away from the curb, even after a truck splashes you

*It's too much trouble to get your umbrella out of your car during a sudden downpour

*You pause the exercise tape 90 seconds into the warm-up to have a cigarette.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)


I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"




CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!!



WHO DOES WHAT


A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. F! urious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
The Shit List

1. Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel shit come out but there is no shit in the toilet.

2. Clean Shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

3. Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt at least 90 times and it feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin your pants.

4. Second Wave Shit: It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.

5. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Head Shit: The kind where you strain so much to get the shit out you practically have a stroke.

6. Richard Simmons Shit: You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.

7. Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of shit that is so huge that you are afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

8. Gassy Shit: It's noisy; everyone within earshot is giggling.

9. Drinker Shit: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet.

10. Corn Shit: Self-explanatory.

11. Gee I Wish I Could Shit Shit: It's the kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times.

12. Spinal Tap Shit: That's where it hurts so bad coming out you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

13. Wet Cheeks Shit (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your rear end so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.

14. Liquid Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

15. Mexican Food Shit: It smells so bad the room must be condemned.

16. Upperclass Shit: The kind of shit that doesn't smell.

17. Fisherman's Bobber Shit: That's the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall; you shit and flush two times but several golf ball size pieces are still floating above the water line.

18. Ambush Shit: This kind never occurs at home but usually at a party or while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart just a little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for the rest of the day.

19. Santa Clause Shit: A shit that is so big, you have no idea how it made it down the drain after flushing.

20. Stalactite Shit: A shit that gets stuck and hangs from your butt for a moment.

21. Deja Vu Shit: When you could swear you've taken the exact same shit before.

22. Five Alarm Shit: Your asshole burns so bad you think it's on fire. Usually after eating really spicy chili or other spicy food.

23. False Alarm Shit: After a really big fart you think you might have shit yourself, but you didn't.

24. Titanic Shit: The tip of the shit is visible above the water line.

25. Rainbow Shit: The kind of shit that is at least 7 different colors.

26. Gangster Shit: A shit that sounds like an automatic weapon is being fired in the toilet.

27. Gold Medal Shit: A shit you work so hard to get out that you just have to tell a friend about it.
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You Know You're a Republican When...

  • You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

  • You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

  • You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

  • You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

  • You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

  • You think trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

  • You believe global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

  • You think being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

  • You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

  • You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

  • You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

  • You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

  • You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

  • Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

  • You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

  • You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

  • You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

  • You've ever called education a luxury.

  • You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

  • You're despise the "liberal media."

  • You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

  • You believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

  • You think God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

  • You believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

  • You think "abortion doctor" is an oxymoron.

  • You've never met a tax cut you didn't like.

  • You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings with a vodka straight in hand.

  • You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.

  • You actually believe that people own AK-47's for "hunting purposes"

  • You have faith in "trickle down economics"
You Know You're a Democrat When...

  • You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.

  • You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

  • You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.

  • You think marriage is obsolete - except for homosexuals.

  • You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.

  • You think the black middle class is a myth created by Republicans.

  • You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Ronald Reagan is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter-century.

  • You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on, "Well, they're gonna do it anyway so..."

  • You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."

  • You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

  • You've ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

  • You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

  • After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

  • You think the rich can get richer off people who have no money.

  • You've tried to argue that all of societies problems are based on the fact that McDonald's, by law, only has to pay $5.15/hr.

  • You have ever used the phrase "protecting prisoner's rights".

  • You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during a conversation.

  • You've ever argued that "you can't legislate morality".

  • You've referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic, chauvinistic, lily white, slave owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous personnel".

  • You argued that a few more months of sanctions and Sadam Hussein would have folded like rookie poker player.

  • You know more than 2 people who have a degree in "Women's Studies."

  • You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy has done for the women of this country!"

  • You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was an agrarian society.

  • You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally organized militias.

  • You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.

  • You've ever referred to "the glass ceiling."

  • You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian budget cuts."

  • You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk at the unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good work.

  • You've ever stated "How does what he does in his personal life have any bearing on doing his job?"

  • You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.

  • You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.

  • You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.

  • You've never had to worry about marginal tax rates.

  • You actually expect to collect Social Security.

  • You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.

  • You know at least one vegan.

  • You actually think that poverty can be abolished.

  • You admire the Swedish welfare system.

  • You honestly feel that alcoholics deserve social security disability benefits.

  • You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were only willing to redistribute their wealth.

  • You've ever referred to someone as a "bigot" or "Nazi".

  • You support diversity, as long as others agree with you.

  • You agree that all the world's problems can be traced back to white Anglo-Saxon men taking advantage of others.

  • You donate money because it makes you "feel good".

  • You think people who make above minimun wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent.

  • You ever said, "differently abled" when you mean "crippled."

  • You ever referred to someone's GI Joe figurines and matching tac nukes as "war toys."

  • You can't write or speak the word "he" without following it with, "or she."

  • You think the phrase, "separation of church and state" is contained in the Constitution.

  • You think organically grown vegetables are worth the higher price.

  • You speak out on the "evils of corporate America" but spend a great deal of your time at Starbucks.[/list]
  • Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

    10. Did you get any under the tree?
    9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
    8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
    7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
    6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
    5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
    4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
    3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
    2. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
    1. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
    Too Much Teasing . . .

    It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

    The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

    The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

    She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

    She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

    Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . "
    Petting the Kitty

    A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty". He did this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book.

    The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.

    The husband confused, asked, "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?"

    The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty", I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.

    The husband said, "No, not at all."

    Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?"

    To which the husband replied, "I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book."
    Checking the Caps

    Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

    They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

    The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

    The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

    Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."
    Football Broadcast Lines that Sound Dirty

  • The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

  • He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

  • He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

  • It's a game of inches.

  • That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

  • When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.

  • He found his tight end.

  • He had to stretch to get it in.

  • He gets penetration into the backfield.

  • He blows them off (at the line).

  • He bangs it in.

  • He goes deep.

  • He found a hole and slid through it

  • He pounds it in

  • He's got great hands
  • A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....

    "Da-ad..."
    "What?"
    "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
    "No, you had your chance. Lights out."

    Five minutes later....
    "Da-aaaaaaad...."
    "WHAT?"
    "I'm THIRSTY! Can I have a drink of water?"
    "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you."

    Five minutes later...
    "Daaaaaa-aaaaaaad..."
    "WHAT?!?!"
    "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
    A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in Math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?!" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
    Top Signs Your Preschooler Is A Future Geek

  • Counts from zero
  • Hacked fisher-price.com, can now place orders online free of charge
  • Telnets into your bank when you withhold her allowance
  • Names her pet kitty "Felis Domesticus"
  • Her Lego creations are just a little *too* functional
  • Suddenly your DVD plays any region
  • Asks Santa Clause for a GeForce 3 video card
  • Stephen Hawkings lists her as a colleague in his newest paper.
  • She calls you 'Grasshopper'.
  • Counts 0,1 then says "All the other numbers are irrelevent daddy"
  • quote:
    Originally posted by Black Viking:
    Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day.

    On the way home from work, some lady I didn't know walked up to me and said, "It's St. Patrick's Day. Why aren't you wearing green?"

    I looked her dead in the face and asked, "Do I look Irish to you?"


    I love it! lol having an Irish background myself... btw did she laugh when you answered?

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