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quote:
Originally posted by Frenchy:
EVER WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN?

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my bestfriend and me.


A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral on him.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.


A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.


A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being
away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral on him.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.


A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.


A: I'm not sure I understand the problem.


What i do not understand is the focus on orgasms and clit finding? Frenchy? help!
quote:
Originally posted by Frenchy:
quote:
What i do not understand is the focus on orgasms and clit finding? Frenchy? help!


Felix, I'm not sure I understand your question. The focus of the joke on orgasms and clit finding? Or women in general's focus on orgasms and clit finding?


It seems to me that you tend to pick these topics, just kidding..I am just being mischievous! It is hard to reconcile the little girl in the pic and the Frenchy who is actually
posting such topics
*douses AudioGuy with ice cold water*

You Know You're From Washington DC When...

  • You say you're from DC, but you actually live in VA or MD but are too tired to explain where.

  • You don't consider exploding man hole covers to be an unusual occurrence.

  • You know where the Pentagon really is but never bother to correct anyone about its location.

  • When it takes you 45 minutes to drive 3 miles on I-66, 95, 395, 495, 50, 123, 29, or 270, it's a pretty good day.

  • There are at least fifteen ways to get everywhere and you know which way to go based on the weather, time of day, current political climate, terrorism road closures, and whether you are coming or going.

  • You pay more money in parking tickets in a year than you do in medical bills, college costs and rent combined.

  • "I got stuck behind a motorcade" is a common and real excuse for being late.

  • "Finding a parking space" actually becomes an appointment on your calendar. (E.g.. 7:00-8:00 Gym, 8:30-9:00PM - find a parking space, 9:00-10:30PM - Dinner reservations.)

  • You've never once been to Wal-Mart and don't even know if there is one.

  • When you say you're going to the mall and you don't mean shopping.

  • You never refer to the 'Metro' as the 'subway'.

  • You elbow tourists out of the way on the Metro escalators to "gently" emind them to WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT.

  • You don't bat an eye at 500 politicians and businessmen in suits running like their lives depended on it just to catch a Metro that will be followed by another in 90 seconds.

  • You call it Tarjay, not Target, and are well aware that the one in Alexandria is just a "tad different".

  • When Washington National Airport is and will always be "WASHINGTON NATIONAL", not "Reagan National".

  • You can tell by people's cars where they live and maybe even what neighborhood.

  • You have the Metro map memorized, yet act like you don't know when someone asks you how to get to Metro Center.

  • You meet someone else who says they're from the DC area and you realize they live two hours away from you.

  • You notice that there's been construction on the same stretch of highway for the past 5 years and you've never see anyone working on it.

  • You know that Vietnam is no longer in the South Pacific, it's now been re-located to Seven Corners.

  • The few times you have gotten lost in DC you have somehow ALWAYS ended up in Anacostia and every road out somehow leads back to Anacostia.

  • You realize that I-395 is Northern Virginia's version of NASCAR.

  • There is no such thing as North, South, East, or West on the beltway, it's just go "that" way!(Inner circle / outer circle)

  • Ice on the roads just means that you pay more attention to other cars, but still go 75 mph on the highways

  • You can see the national cathedral from almost anywhere

  • You know at least 2 rowers

  • You know that Georgetown is NOT only a school

  • You consider Northern VA to be in no way similar to southern VA

  • You know which bridges to cross to get to Maryland or VA

  • You actually know what goes on in Dupont circle

  • You can't go to Tysons Mall without seeing someone you know

  • You can harmonize perfectly with the alert for "Doors Closing" on the Metro
You Know You're From Florida When...

  • You own at least five pairs of flip flops

  • You know someone who's been struck by lightning

  • You're more scared of the freaks who live down the street than gators

  • Your backyard is sometimes a swamp

  • You're officially sick of Disney

  • You shrug off hurricane warnings

  • You've been permanently blinded by fat men in speedos

  • There are only two seasons - hot and hotter


Too true!!
You Know You're From Atlanta When...

  • You give directions starting with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House."

  • You only drink Coke or Diet Coke - drinking Pepsi is blasphemy.

  • You know to wear sneakers to the airport.

  • The 8:00 AM rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM. The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon, and lasts through 2:00 AM Saturday.

  • You use "Sir" and "Ma'am" if there's a remote possibility that person you're talking to is least 30 minutes older than you are.

  • You can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue correctly.

  • The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules.

  • If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days, and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. All the grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.

  • If there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" tee-shirts, not to mention the fact that all schools will close at the slightest possible chance of snow.

  • If you are standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

  • Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's version of Old Faithful erupts.

  • Construction crews are not doing their jobs properly unless they close down all major streets during rush hour.

  • You never go 55 on "The Watermelon 500" or the Georgia 400.

  • You know you're not allergic to pollen, because if you were - you'd be dead already.

  • You've never gone around the block and ended up on the street you started on.

  • You know where 'Butthead' and 'F*ckhead' are, and it's the same part of town.

  • You haven't been downtown at night in years

  • You've woken up at 4:30 am on workdays to beat the traffic to work, intending to leave work before 3 pm to compensate.

  • You know at least five different ways to get to work, none of them ideal

  • You know what "sunshine slowdown", "auto-flambe'", "topside" mean, and what color a H.E.R.O. is.

  • You know where PIB, JCB, FIB, MLK, PDK and "Grady curve" are, and you try to never go there during any of the nine hours of rush "hour"

  • You've thought about getting a blow-up companion for the front passenger seat

  • You hope you are the one to spot the vehicle that is the subject of the latest "Amber Alert" which has been flashing for ten minutes on the DOT message board exactly 13.5 feet above the hood of your SUV

  • You've been in traffic on 85, 75, 20 or 400 (choose one) - wondering if your fuel, your cell-phone battery and your bladder will make it to the next exit, just 1/2 mile ahead
You Know You're From Cleveland When...

  • Your idea of fine cuisine includes keilbasa and Stroh's beer

  • You think the Antichrist walks among us and moved to Baltimore in 1995

  • You refer to Pittsburgh as a Third World nation

  • You have to look at a map before you realize Cincinnati is NOT in Kentucky

  • You believe plastic lawn flamingos are essential in any landscaping project

  • Your second car is completely dissolved by salt by the time April rolls around

  • The phrase "lake effect" strikes terror in your heart

  • You actually remember when Dennis Kucinich was mayor

  • You see nothing wrong with wearing white sox with black shoes, even when wearing a tux

  • Party music involves an accordion

  • You always knew you lived in the Rock n Roll Capital of the World

  • You know more about Frankie Yankovic than Weird Al Yankovic

  • Tourists ask you what time the river catches fire

  • You believe the Second Coming meant the Browns returning in 1999

  • You don't really know any homosexuals, you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood.

  • You know you don't really have an accent, the rest of the world does.

  • You hate country music, don't know anyone that does like country music, and yet WGAR just won the country music station of the year.

  • You take credit for Cedar Point even though it is 2 hours away.

  • You honestly believe that Cleveland is the best city in the world.

  • The Tri-C jingle "students for life" scares the hell out of you.

  • You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath.

  • You know about the Eastside/Westside rivalry, but don't really understand it.

  • "Good Morning from the Buzzard Morning Zoo" is a jingle you'll never forget.

  • Your neighborhood schools went without sports because all the senior citizens refused to pass the levies.

  • You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga.

  • You can't tell Brook Park, Brooklyn, or Old Brooklyn apart.

  • You see Christmas lights still up in July.

  • You love BW-3, but have no clue what the heck weck is.

  • You find yourself singing "Garfield 1-2323" in the shower.

  • You're still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City.

  • You have never ridden in a taxi.

  • You wear shorts the first day of the year it isn't below 30 and snowing, just because you can.

  • You have gotten 3 speeding tickets, and they are all from the mile long stretch of a suburb named Linndale.

  • You hate Baltimore and you have never been there.

  • St. Patty's Day is your number one holiday, and you aren't Irish.

  • You counted down with the monument in Tower City to the exact second in 1999 when the Browns came back.

  • You know Tower City isn't a city at all.

  • Stories of Little Italy still send chills down your spine.

  • At least half of your wardrobe is Tribe apparel.
quote:
Originally posted by Frenchy:
You Know You're From Cleveland When...

  • Your idea of fine cuisine includes keilbasa and Stroh's beer

  • You think the Antichrist walks among us and moved to Baltimore in 1995

  • You refer to Pittsburgh as a Third World nation

  • You have to look at a map before you realize Cincinnati is NOT in Kentucky

  • You believe plastic lawn flamingos are essential in any landscaping project

  • Your second car is completely dissolved by salt by the time April rolls around

  • The phrase "lake effect" strikes terror in your heart

  • You actually remember when Dennis Kucinich was mayor

  • You see nothing wrong with wearing white sox with black shoes, even when wearing a tux

  • Party music involves an accordion

  • You always knew you lived in the Rock n Roll Capital of the World

  • You know more about Frankie Yankovic than Weird Al Yankovic

  • Tourists ask you what time the river catches fire

  • You believe the Second Coming meant the Browns returning in 1999

  • You don't really know any homosexuals, you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood.

  • You know you don't really have an accent, the rest of the world does.

  • You hate country music, don't know anyone that does like country music, and yet WGAR just won the country music station of the year.

  • You take credit for Cedar Point even though it is 2 hours away.

  • You honestly believe that Cleveland is the best city in the world.

  • The Tri-C jingle "students for life" scares the hell out of you.

  • You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath.

  • You know about the Eastside/Westside rivalry, but don't really understand it.

  • "Good Morning from the Buzzard Morning Zoo" is a jingle you'll never forget.

  • Your neighborhood schools went without sports because all the senior citizens refused to pass the levies.

  • You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga.

  • You can't tell Brook Park, Brooklyn, or Old Brooklyn apart.

  • You see Christmas lights still up in July.

  • You love BW-3, but have no clue what the heck weck is.

  • You find yourself singing "Garfield 1-2323" in the shower.

  • You're still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City.

  • You have never ridden in a taxi.

  • You wear shorts the first day of the year it isn't below 30 and snowing, just because you can.

  • You have gotten 3 speeding tickets, and they are all from the mile long stretch of a suburb named Linndale.

  • You hate Baltimore and you have never been there.

  • St. Patty's Day is your number one holiday, and you aren't Irish.

  • You counted down with the monument in Tower City to the exact second in 1999 when the Browns came back.

  • You know Tower City isn't a city at all.

  • Stories of Little Italy still send chills down your spine.

  • At least half of your wardrobe is Tribe apparel.


Frenchy, you had to go there didn't you?
But you are right on the money about Little Italy. It is an area nearby the hospital where I am doing my training. It is well known amongst Clevelanders that Little Italy is the simply the most racist place in the city of Cleveland. The other sayings are for the most part true to my chagrin...I am not from Cleveland...just here temporarily. But true Clevelanders really feel that Cleveland is the best place on earth..frightening!
You Know You're From Arizona When...

  • You've signed so many petitions to recall governors you can't remember the name of the incumbent.
  • You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
  • You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
  • You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
  • You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without flinching.
  • You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour...and it will be over 100 degrees.
  • You discover, in July it only takes two fingers to drive your car, because your steering wheel is so hot.
  • You can make sun tea instantly.
  • You run your a/c in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
  • The best parking is determined by shade.....not distance.
  • You realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance.
  • Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
  • It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation and yet all the streets are totally empty of both cars and people.
  • You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
  • Sunscreen is sold year round, kept right at the checkout counter.
  • You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mail box.
  • Some fools will market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them. Worse.....some fools actually try to jog.
  • You know hot air balloons can't rise because the air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon.
  • No one would dream of putting vinyl inside a car.
  • You see two trees fighting over a dog.
  • You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny
  • You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River
  • You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves
  • You can pronounce"Saguaro", "Tempe", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", and "Cholla"
  • You can understand the reason for a town named "Why"
  • You can fry an egg on the hood of a car IN THE MORNING!
  • You hear people say "but it's a DRY heat!"
  • You buy salsa by the gallon.
  • Your Christmas decorations include sand and l00 paper bags.
  • You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
  • All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.
  • You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
  • Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los."
  • You think 60 tons of crushed red rock makes a beautiful yard.
  • Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
  • Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
  • Most homes have more firearms than people.
  • Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"
  • People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out of-state or nuts.
  • You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're wearing shorts.
  • If you haven't worked for Motorola at some time, you must be a newcomer.
  • You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
  • A lady went to her parish priest one day and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

    "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

    "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" said the women.

    "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

    "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."

    "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

    The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

    As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

    Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

    "Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

    There was a stunned silence.

    Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
    .
    .
    A man owned a parrot and the parrot swore like a sailor. It could swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is, the guy who owns the bird is a quiet, conservative type, and this parrot's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

    One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "Quit it!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

    Then the guy gets really mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

    This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

    Now the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

    For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

    At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door.

    The bird calmly climbs onto the man's arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

    The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

    Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
    .
    .
    A Husband's Moment of Realization

    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

    As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

    "What dear?" She asked gently.

    "I think you bring me bad luck."
    SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
    (prepared and presented by men)


    1. Elementary Map Reading
    2. Crying and Law Enforcement
    3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
    4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
    5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
    6. Driving I:Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
    7. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
    8. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
    9. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
    10. Telephone Translation (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I love You")
    11. Gift-giving Fundamentals
    (formerly- "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
    12. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
    13. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
    14. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
    15. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
    16. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
    17. Commitment Schimittment
    (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
    18. To Honor and Obey:Remembering the Small Print Above I Do"
    19. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

    SEMINARS FOR MEN
    (prepared and presented by women)


    1. Combatting? Stupidity
    2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
    3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
    4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
    5. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
    6. How Not to Act Like a Jackass? When You're Obviously Wrong
    7. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
    8. How to Stay Awake in Public
    9. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
    10. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
    11. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
    12. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
    13. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
    14. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
    15. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
    16. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits"? From Your Vocabulary
    17. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
    18. Techniques for calling home
    The perfect day according to HER:

    8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
    9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
    9:30 Light breakfast
    11:00 Sunbathe
    12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    1:45 Shopping
    2:30 Run into boyfriend/husband's ex - notice she's gained 50 pounds
    3:00 Facial, massage, nap
    7:30 Candelight dinner for two and dancing
    10:00 Make love
    11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
    WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

    ELEMENT: Women
    SYMBOL: Wo
    DISCOVERER: Adam

    ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

    OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

    1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
    2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
    3. Melts if given special treatment.
    4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
    5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
    6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

    1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
    2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
    3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
    4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
    5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

    COMMON USES:

    1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
    2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
    3. Very effective cleaning agent.

    TESTS:

    1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
    2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

    HAZARDS:

    1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
    2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

    MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

    ELEMENT: Man
    SYMBOL: Ego
    ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs
    DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.

    OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)

    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

    1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.
    2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense.
    3. Melts if treated like a God.
    4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
    5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
    6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

    1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
    2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
    3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
    4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
    5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
    6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
    7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.
    8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
    9. Is impervious to embarrassment.
    10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.
    An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

    The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
    The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
    The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

    The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
    The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
    The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
    The woman gives him her license.

    The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
    The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
    The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
    A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

    "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

    She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

    He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

    When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water"
    .
    .
    A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer. At the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password -- something he would use to log on.

    The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s".

    His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

    PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
    THE HELPFUL WIFE

    Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir."
    The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't have cruise control."

    As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did".

    As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman, shut your mouth! NOW!"

    The officer frowns and says, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket." And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Corvette."

    And, as the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!?"

    And the officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

    "Oh heavens no, Officer, only when he's been drinking..."
    Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

    At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea how many people try to sneak into heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

    Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

    Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

    Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

    The next to arrive is Pablo Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso thinks for a moment and then says, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

    "Go right ahead", Saint Peter says.

    Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning work of art with just a few strokes of chalk. It's magnificent.

    Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!. Come on in!"

    Then, Saint Peter hears a knock at the door. He opens it and there's stands George W. Bush.

    Saint Peter is perplexed and scratches his head. Finally, he says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. But I'm not sure what to ask you so you can prove yours."

    George Dubya looks a little bewildered and says, "Who's Einstein and Picasso?"

    "Perfect", says Saint Peter. "Come on in, George."
    A young man stood with his best friend outside the building where is wedding reception was being held. He told his friend that he was very afraid of going on their honeymoon since he was a virgin. His friend thought a while, and finally volunteered to go along, rent a room next to theirs, and listen through the wall to hear if there was any way he could help him.

    The groom agreed.

    Once arriving in their room, the groom made one excuse after the other about getting into bed. He stayed in the bathroom as long as he could. The bride tried to be patient, and tried to make him understand that nothing bad would happened.

    Finally, she had to go the bathroom, but still couldn't get him to come out. In desperation, she had to find somewhere to 'go'. Looking around desperately, she found a shoe box, and used it.

    Just as she finished, the groom opened the bathroom door.

    The bride quickly kicked the shoe box to get it under the bed, and turned off the light as she heard the bathroom door close.

    The groom came stumbling across the floor, and stepped squarely into the shoe box.

    He jerk his foot up, and yelled, 'There's shit in this box!'

    The friend listening with his ear to the wall immediately yelled, 'Turn her over. Turn her over.'

    PEACE

    Jim Chester
    quote:
    Originally posted by James Wesley Chester:
    A young man stood with his best friend outside the building where is wedding reception was being held. He told his friend that he was very afraid of going on their honeymoon since he was a virgin. His friend thought a while, and finally volunteered to go along, rent a room next to theirs, and listen through the wall to hear if there was any way he could help him.

    The groom agreed.

    Once arriving in their room, the groom made one excuse after the other about getting into bed. He stayed in the bathroom as long as he could. The bride tried to be patient, and tried to make him understand that nothing bad would happened.

    Finally, she had to go the bathroom, but still couldn't get him to come out. In desperation, she had to find somewhere to 'go'. Looking around desperately, she found a shoe box, and used it.

    Just as she finished, the groom opened the bathroom door.

    The bride quickly kicked the shoe box to get it under the bed, and turned off the light as she heard the bathroom door close.

    The groom came stumbling across the floor, and stepped squarely into the shoe box.

    He jerk his foot up, and yelled, 'There's shit in this box!'

    The friend listening with his ear to the wall immediately yelled, 'Turn her over. Turn her over.'

    PEACE

    Jim Chester



    laugh laugh laugh
    One day in the not too distant future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place."

    George thought about this for a moment.

    "Okay", said the Devil. "I'll tell you what. I'll let you decide who leaves. How's that?"

    Bush pondered the deal and thought it sounded pretty good. "Okay", he said, so the Devil opened the door of the first room.

    In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over, forever. Such was his fate in hell.

    "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long".

    The Devil closed the door and led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time after time.

    "Ahhh... no. See, I've got this problem with my shoulder", commented George. "I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day".

    The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle position. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    Bush took all this in and his heart and other parts of him jumped with joy. Finally he said, "Yeah, alright... I think I can handle this."

    The Devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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