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happy holidays to my long lost friends on AA.ORG - and a warm hello to all of the women here that i don't know yet.

its been a while since i've posted, but i have had this on my mind for a while, and thought this would be a great place to open a discussion or get some feedback.

for the singles ladies out there (and the sisters, mothers, friends of single sistas):

do you notice differences in the black men you date who were raised by a single mom vs. those who had a 2 parent upbringing?

for example - are these men more or less secure in themselves, more or less attentive to their own children, more or less likely to have strong adult relationships with other men (peers or elders), more or less likely to be overly attached to their mothers?

what (if anything) have you noticed in your interactions with men raised by single women that make them different from men raised with a consistent man/father in his life during his upbringing?

with the number of single women out there raising their children - we might have a new style of men in the mix. do you notice a difference...have you thought about his actions (paid attention to them), and thougth about where they might stem from?

let me know your thoughts.

peace - nyk.
<small style="color: green; font-family: lucida sans unicode">"The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed." steve biko</small>
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Hey, Nyk. Nice to meet you. You raise an extremely complex issue. Parents are not the only individuals who have significate impact on the lives of young children. Teachers, peer pressure, etc. play a role as well. I have see wonderful boys turn to men without a father figure and the reverse as well. What if the daddy is a trifflin' crackhead? What if the daddy is an abuser? What if the daddy won't work? Unfortunatly these are the kinds of men who stay around a mooch - okay - 'cause a lot of women alow it.

Conversely, IMHO, children should be raised by the most capable parent regardless of gender. I do believe that a single female parent should attempt to provide a father-figure for her son, but pedophelia scares the crap out of me. Don't know Sis ... complex relationships out there. I am so glad my children are grown. I am afraid for children now.
nice to meet you as well Sandye!

my thoughts are more focused on the situation that has been more prevalent in our society over the 25-30 years. there are many black adult men out there who are the product of single parenting and more to come. i realize all 2 parent homes (actually most 2 parent homes) may contain more dysfunction than single parent homes (alcohol, drugs, unemployment, verbal/physical abuse, etc.), but even through that dysfunction there may be some granular benefit to a father being present.

my focus is really on the black adult male product of a black single female parent. do these men have traits and characteristics that can be seen as similar between them that could tie back to the fact that they did not have a 'father' - not uncle, pastor, grandfather - present and raising them?
That is so sad. When I was raising my adopted son, there were many male figures in his life, so perhaps we were extremely blessed. He is french kissing 30 and doing just fine. He had a "big brother", became a Muslim and they really helped out a great deal.

I am not only scared for children, I am scared to death for my grandchildren. There are no guarantees that any marriage will last long enough to raise children to adulthood. I didn't teach my son to be a man - I don't think it's possible to do. But I did involve him in as many positive male oriented activities. I got a little scared when he started boxing.
quote:
Originally posted by Nykkii:
do you notice differences in the black men you date who were raised by a single mom vs. those who had a 2 parent upbringing?


As a teacher I've discovered that children have a wonderful way of adapting and adjusting to almost any situation. They are extremely resilient, and if they see a parent doing the best he or she can to support them, they appreciate it. As long as a child has someone (mother, father, grandmother, aunt, neighbor) who genuninely cares for them and is doing everything posssible to guide their rearing, the child will be fine. Everyday we here success stories told by people who grew up without a dad or mom or whose parents divorced when they were very young, and they perservered to become great people. So not having both parents is no excuse for failure. You must still aspire toward greatness.

I have dated men whose parents were divorced, absent, or still together, and each of their situations were different. Therefore it is the effort and determination of a parent to see to that a child is well cared for that determines the development of a child, not the paren'ts gender.
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quote:
Originally posted by Nykkii:
for example - are these men more or less secure in themselves, more or less attentive to their own children, more or less likely to have strong adult relationships with other men (peers or elders), more or less likely to be overly attached to their mothers?


This is highly variable... some men I know are extremely nurturing... but I do not see this as a good thing... because in the process they have lost much machismo and the nuances of strength that come with being male....and other males smell it a mile away.... in other words... this kind of male is someone I wouldn't mind burping my baby... or giving me a hug, or crying with me....but not someone I would look to for protection or seek masculine comfort in....

Some men I know are hyper masculine to counter the effects of so much estrogen in their life.... and they are literally brutes and completely out of touch with human emotions.... this kind of male is someone I would probably be drawn to initially but would reject soon thereafter because he is incapable of feeling... or when he does it comes out so immature its a turn off...

I rarely meet someone I consider balanced... but my standards are different than most women... and therein lies the deciding factor.... it really depends on the woman...

quote:
what (if anything) have you noticed in your interactions with men raised by single women that make them different from men raised with a consistent man/father in his life during his upbringing?


see above...

quote:
with the number of single women out there raising their children - we might have a new style of men in the mix. do you notice a difference...have you thought about his actions (paid attention to them), and thougth about where they might stem from?

let me know your thoughts.

peace - nyk.


Yes... I do not think it is a good thing... I think we can overcome bad circumstances in our lives... but no matter how brutish a male might be... he is better off being influenced by other men in his rearing...

Kai said it best once... I'll quote him here:

"While anything is possible, I think that a man in the position of raising a daughter without the mother's assistance should seek out the aid of other women that he admires.

Girls are guided by energy as much as wisdom in their early years. if a girl fails to receive the nourishment of a females energy, she will grow physically, yet may arrive at adulthood underdevelopd.

Everything about guiding a childs mind is not instructional..Somethings are learned by synchronization, and copying...Ususally, a girl cannot copy her dad alone and become a feminine woman.."



I agree with his statements... just applicable to males instead of females


    * a woman in the position of raising a boy alone should seek out the aid of men she admires....


    * boys are guided by energy as much as wisdom... some things are learned through synchronization and copying...

    * a boy cannot copy his mother alone and become a masculine man....
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quote:
Originally quoted by Khalliqa; posted by Saracen:
Everything about guiding a childs mind is not instructional..Somethings are learned by synchronization, and copying...Ususally, a girl cannot copy her dad alone and become a feminine woman.."


But what or who does Brother Saracen consider a "feminine" woman? I'm sure he knows that what femininity means to one person may mean something completely different to another. You know this is why I stay clear of getting into these kinds of explanations with people, because terms like femininity and masculinity are relative terms.
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