ever wonder why...
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a
hen's butt looked edible?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a Broker?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Did you know that the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?
(Are you singing them both to really find out?!)

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window.

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars
in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

if you don't know your options, you don't have any!
From an email I received:

Best signs during the Washington DC peace march January 18th:

Drunken frat boy drives country into ditch.

Who would Jesus bomb?

War begins with 'Dubya'.

Bush is proof that empty warheads can be dangerous.

Let's bomb Texas, they have oil too.

How did our oil get under their sand?

Daddy, can I start the war now?

1000 points of light and one dim bulb.

Sacrifice SUV's, not children.

Preemptive impeachment.

No George, I said Mac Attack.

Frodo has failed, Bush has the ring.

Look, I'll pay more for gas!

He is a moron and a bully.

It's the stupid economy.

Draft dodgers shouldn't start wars.

War is sweet to those who haven't tasted it (Erasmus).

Different Bush, same shit.

Stop the Bushit.

Just war = just oil.

You don't have to like Bush to love America.

Bushes are for pissing on.

Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld: the asses of evil.

$1 billion a day to kill people -- what a bargain.

Consume -- Consume -- Bomb -- Bomb -- Consume --Consume

It's time to trim the Bush.

Hey Pro-lifers! War kills innocent children.

Big brother isn't coming -- he's already here.

Empires fall.

An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind (Gandhi).

Impeach the squatters.

Mainstream white guys for peace.

Hans Blix -- look over here.

Let Exxon send their own troops.

Curious, George? -- get a clue.

Destroy Florida. [It could happen again]

There's a terrorist behind every Bush.

SUV owners roll over for terrorism.

We can't afford to rule the world.

War is so 20th century!

9-11-01: 15 Saudis, 0 Iraqis.

While you were watching the war, Bush was raping America.

Don't waive your rights while waving your flag.

Drop Bush not bombs.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

I asked for universal health care and all I got was this lousy sealth bomber.

War is not a family value.

A picture of Bush with a red-stained upper lip: Got blood?

A picture of Bush saying "Why should I care what the American people think?
They didn't vote for me."

A picture of Bush saying "Ask me about my lobotomy."


La Femme Nkechi
Be the change in the world you want to see...it starts with you
This could really go under a number of headings, but I am putting it hear for now.
Kmart Calls Cops When Easter Rabbit Protests Military-Themed Holiday Baskets
Bunny Busters



God has told you, O man and woman, what is good; and what does the SOVEREIGN ONE require of you but to do justice, and to be compassionate, and to walk humbly with your God?
This was just too funny, reminded me of the common smart-azzedness we have at work.



Qantas Airlines:
After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

KEY:
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

PROBLEMS AND SOLUTIONS

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed.



La Femme Nkechi
...
Be the change in the world you want to see...it starts with you
Funny, kinda, an Australian news source juxtaposes the words of an Iraqi official with a some Flash pictures here.

Also, I have found out that we should be suspicious of the Aussie SAS.

quote:

The truth about the Aussie SAS...

There has been some speculation about why the Australian military contribution to the war in Iraq has not received anything like the coverage that the American (obviously) and British forces have.

Well the reasons are twofold: firstly, the size of the force is a great deal smaller as it is made up of the elite Australian Special Air Service (which is operating in conjunction with their British SAS and American Delta Force & SEAL counterparts)... and secondly the fact they are special forces means operational security is paramount. The Aussies are famous in Special Forces circles for their ability to survive without resupply for long periods of time, something very useful when operating behind enemy lines. Just how they do this is a closely guarded secret.

However there is another more... puzzling... aspect to the lack of news, considering the Australians are the only group to invite the Al-Jazeera TV channel to embed journalists with them. A recently broadcast signal from a Australian SAS unit 'somewhere in Iraq' made mention that they had run out of embedded journalists and could they send a couple more out, preferably less stringy ones this time. It is unclear what the significance of that last remark was.
Element Name:WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at any thing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful wealth reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.

(What about that pig??)



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)



OINK OINK


Not my comments, just posting the email I received... I don't want to be a pig, but I'll work on those 30 minute orgasms.

La Femme Nkechi
...
Be the change in the world you want to see...it starts with you
quote:
Originally posted by Nkechi:

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.) .....


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Nkechi, do you know if that is for female pigs, male pigs, or both Big Grin. My guess is that it is probably referring to female pigs in which case, I would have to go with being a lion Wink.

God has told you, O man and woman, what is good; and what does the SOVEREIGN ONE require of you but to do justice, and to be compassionate, and to walk humbly with your God?
I'm sure its the female because of the way the reproductive system works. Her orgasm is what helps the sperm get into the Uterus (well at least that is what I know for human females) <--Don't mean to get all serious and educational like in the Silly Stuff thread...

Roll Eyes I don't think any species of male DESERVES 30 minute orgasms over a female.

BTW.. Cool Icon... I'm gonna have to steal it... hehehehe

La Femme Nkechi
...
Be the change in the world you want to see...it starts with you
Wink
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
Need I say more?"

-Chris Rock

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
This is not funny but it is a reality.



-------------------------
By all standards, some creatures are just plain strange, making us do double takes because their compositions or habits or appearances defy our sense of logic and our way of viewing reality. Take the wildebeest, the warthog, the hyena, the brown pelican, the Shar-Pei. These animals, seemingly wrought by committee, make us laugh or shake our heads. Another such creature, of the human kind -- and perhaps the strangest of all -- is the black Republican. "

Bill Maxwell

More to come later!

Your Brother Faheem
Black Folks In Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have Black folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems.


They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over the streets of Gold. Some folk are walking around with one wing.

They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds.Some of
them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messin up they hair ...

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems,let's call the Devil.

"The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on.

"The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there." The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold.

After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?" The Lord said,"What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't belie..... hold on, Lord". This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry
Lord, I can't talk right now. These Negroes dun put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"

------------------------------
The Lord is on my side;I will not fear:what can man do unto me?
(Psalms 118:6)


If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

quote:
Originally posted by Nkechi:
LOL...

http://fox302.com/index.pl?s=vf&user=polm&category=pics&file=grocery_store_kid_no_candy.avi

_La Femme_ _Nkechi_
...
Be the change in the world you want to see...it starts with you


I know that I have to stop thinking like this, but when I saw the video, my first thought was that I'd like to see the kid pull that tantrum stuff with your average black parents. Now that would have been a funny video. Wink

God has told you, O man and woman, what is good; and what does the SOVEREIGN ONE require of you but to do justice, and to be compassionate, and to walk humbly with your God?
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to
live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since
she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look
even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?"

God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you."

Big Grin

[This message was edited by Yssys on May 09, 2003 at 10:58 AM.]
What are they teaching our kids in school these days! Big Grin

quote:
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back of the class raised her hand and said, "All I want
out of life is four animals".

The teacher said, "Oh, really! What four animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "a mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in
bed, and a jackass to pay for it all."
."

Our people have made the mistake of confusing the methods with the objectives. As long as we agree on objectives, we should never fall out with each other just because we believe in different methods, or tactics, or strategy. We have to keep in mind at all times that we are not fighting for separation. We are fighting for recognition as free humans in this society
Malcolm X, 1965
LOL Kresege Big Grin

Our people have made the mistake of confusing the methods with the objectives. As long as we agree on objectives, we should never fall out with each other just because we believe in different methods, or tactics, or strategy. We have to keep in mind at all times that we are not fighting for separation. We are fighting for recognition as free humans in this society
Malcolm X, 1965
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is sexually transmitted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;

Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years.

Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
quote:
Originally posted by Nykkii:
ever wonder why...
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a
hen's butt looked edible?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a Broker?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Did you know that the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?
(Are you singing them both to really find out?!)

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window.

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars
in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

if you don't know your options, you don't have any!
Big Grin

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