I'm not sure which forum this belongs in, but I went with this one...

When someone is shy, what exactly are they afraid of or uncomfortable about? In the dating context, aside from a fear of rejection, what fear so often drives that discomfort? Forgetting about a fear of rejection, because it clearly goes beyond that -- what exactly is the shy person -- particularly the shy male -- afraid of?
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Original Post
I think most shyness is about how a person manages the energy of social interactions and communication in general. Some people are more adept at written communication, verbal communication, non-verbal or a combination... you get my point (I hope). Some people shine in groups while others shine in one on one settings. I think shyness is mostly a mismatch in communication/interpersonal strengths among people.
quote:
Originally posted by Vox:
I'm not sure which forum this belongs in, but I went with this one...

When someone is shy, what exactly are they afraid of or uncomfortable about? In the dating context, aside from a fear of rejection, what fear so often drives that discomfort? Forgetting about a fear of rejection, because it clearly goes beyond that -- what exactly is the shy person -- particularly the shy male -- afraid of?


Depends on the person... Put there is one reason with which I'm familiar:


Shyness can be displayed in anticipation of a characteristic with which a person is uncomfortable...

E.g.

Woman around Man: Reserved in anticipation of male sexual aggression... American culture is highly flirtatious and sometimes limitlessly touchy feely, and disrespectful of personal space..which can make one stand-offish when meeting someone new until they establish comfort zones...

Even online.. some men are assertively flirtatious and though other dialogue may be stimulating, a woman anticipating all of the other stuff can find decent conversation difficult to mine.. so they silence themselves until they feel that the person and/or the environment suits their comfort level...

Shyness in a male is something else.. most times though it is not listed as an attractive quality among women... well depending upon what kind of shy.. If he is shy because he's being respectful that can be endearing...
quote:
Originally posted by ddouble:
I think most shyness is about how a person manages the energy of social interactions and communication in general. Some people are more adept at written communication, verbal communication, non-verbal or a combination... you get my point (I hope). Some people shine in groups while others shine in one on one settings. I think shyness is mostly a mismatch in communication/interpersonal strengths among people.

yeah This is consistent with my understanding of introversion and extroversion. I have been characterized as shy, aloof, reserved, stuck up, etc. One woman, who I had barely acknowledged, came up to me and said that she thought I was a mean and nasty person. We later became friends, but she assumed that because I was not socially open and engaging with respect to her Roll Eyes (I should say that this was in the context of being the only two African Americans in a white organization) I was such a person.

Introversion can be exacerbated for those who have a different social style or posture when they are viewed or deemed by the larger social group as abnormal. From my personal experience, one can become a target for ridicule,basically signified as fundamentally "other" because they do not conform to what is seen as the norm.

Again, from personal experience, some of my shyness was exacerbated by how I was accepted socially, particularly as a child. I was derided by peers and even certain family members for speaking standard English, being studious, being overweight, not being athletically adept, etc.
quote:
Originally posted by ddouble:
I think most shyness is about how a person manages the energy of social interactions and communication in general. Some people are more adept at written communication, verbal communication, non-verbal or a combination... you get my point (I hope). Some people shine in groups while others shine in one on one settings. I think shyness is mostly a mismatch in communication/interpersonal strengths among people.


I like this answer! appl
This is a great topic. Shyness has been an issue for me since childhood. Going on job interviews is a complete diaster,  because in my mind, a job interview is nothing but an open invitation to be judged. Also, for me, the issue is getting distracted by what the other person might be thinking.  For example, I go on a job interview, and instead of thinking about the questions that I'm being asked and how to best answer them, I'm wondering what the interviewer might be thinking. I'm reading the interviewers thoughts, studying their body language, and facial expressions to try to estimate what's going on in the interviewer's head. I don't know if there's any merit to this, but I did some research on characteristics of my star sign and discovered that because of my star sign, my senses are very keen. According to the "stars", I'm able to read people and their thoughts almost to a psychic extent. Maybe that has something to do with it. Who knows.


As for the shy male in the dating context, I think the shy male is haunted by and preoccupied with the same thoughts as shy people in general. Essentially, shy men care too much about what others think. They worry about what the women in the dating pool may think of them. They want to be good enough to date. They don't want to be misjudged or belittled for not having enough style, money, swag, sex appeal, or something else they think the most desirable women want in men. Then again, when discussions about men approaching women are started, we don't often talk about just how busy people are in our society. People are always on the go, shopping for groceries, tending to kids, etc. The pressure to approach someone and interrupt their day can conjur up feelings of anxiety. You ask yourself, "Do I really want to disturb this individual? He or she looks really busy." Shy men can also be intimidated by the women to be approached or even the situation. Others might lack confidence, because they are simply not sure of how to approach people in general.
By the way, great topic Brother Vox. I think those of us are shy in certain situations can help one another overcome unrealistic fears. What's wierd is that I'm never shy when I'm with the kids. Because of their love and complete confidence in you, children have a way of letting your guard down and putting down your defenses. All they want from you is love, guidance, and care. That's why I love the children so much. Children are kind and sensitive. Children are love. They aren't mean spirited and polluted by bad experiences. It's the judging adults on the interviews that seem to reawaken my shyness. Why can't we keep the spirit of childhood? What happens to adults?

I've considered myself shy all my life. For me, it has been a fear of rejection and feeling out of place or even less intelligent if I gave my input on something and it was rebutted. Honestly, because I wanted to change that is why I decided to join this forum. I gotta admit though, yall can be harsh here with some of your replies, lol. But it's easier to do so when the contact is not face-to-face, and some may not take it as hard because of the same reason.

This is a great topic for so many reasons. It brings me to think of social anxiety. According to Wiki -Social anxiety is a discomfort or a fear when a person is in social interactions that involve a concern about being judged or evaluated by others.[1] It is typically characterized by an intense fear of what others are thinking about them (specifically fear of embarrassment, criticism, or rejection), which results in the individual feeling insecure, and that they are not good enough for other people.

 

I have experienced this to a lesser degree at one time or another. I think the difference for me is that when I am feeling anxious I know what messages to send myself to get realigned in a peaceful state of mind. 

 

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