For those of us who are married or in relationships if you find that your and your mates sex drives dont match how have you or do you find the balance? How do you keep the sex life happy in that regard?
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quote:Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Well, this is not personal experience, but a Dear Margo letter that I ran across that at least loosely applies to your question ... so I thought I would share!
DEAR MARGO: I have been married to a wonderful woman for many years. Our marriage is the best I know, except in one area: We are, and have always been, sexually incompatible. She does not like sex, and I have many fantasies that remain bottled up. This is a great source of stress, lack of sleep and occasional anger for me. I have tried many times to convince her to go to therapy together, but she refuses, saying we do not have a problem. And from her perspective, she is right, because we have the sex life she has always wanted: infrequent and within the framework of what the Vatican would approve. I, however, feel I am reaching a breaking point. Leaving her, visiting a prostitute or otherwise cheating on her are not options. So I have narrowed my choices down to two very imperfect alternatives: going to therapy on my own -- but I am concerned about the expense for something I'm not sure would help if she is not involved; or investigating some sort of drug that would reduce my sex drive, if such drugs actually exist. Do you have any advice?
--- BURDENED
DEAR BURD: What a sad situation to be in. The hopeful part is that you say she is a wonderful woman and your marriage is the best, except for the one major missing ingredient. Not to be indelicate, but I am guessing masturbation has not proven satisfactory. Since you have eliminated the options that might ameliorate the problem, I do think counseling would help you, even alone. As for a drug along the lines of what we, as teenagers, called saltpeter (which may have been a joke), why not make an appointment with a urologist specializing in male sexuality and raise that question? On a philosophical level, I would share with you the Zen saying: There may be no solution; seek it lovingly.
--- MARGO, SUPPORTIVELY
quote:Originally posted by thabrothaman69:
For those of us who are married or in relationships if you find that your and your mates sex drives dont match how have you or do you find the balance? How do you keep the sex life happy in that regard?
quote:Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Well, this is not personal experience, but a Dear Margo letter that I ran across that at least loosely applies to your question ... so I thought I would share!
DEAR MARGO: I have been married to a wonderful woman for many years. Our marriage is the best I know, except in one area: We are, and have always been, sexually incompatible. She does not like sex, and I have many fantasies that remain bottled up. This is a great source of stress, lack of sleep and occasional anger for me. I have tried many times to convince her to go to therapy together, but she refuses, saying we do not have a problem. And from her perspective, she is right, because we have the sex life she has always wanted: infrequent and within the framework of what the Vatican would approve. I, however, feel I am reaching a breaking point. Leaving her, visiting a prostitute or otherwise cheating on her are not options. So I have narrowed my choices down to two very imperfect alternatives: going to therapy on my own -- but I am concerned about the expense for something I'm not sure would help if she is not involved; or investigating some sort of drug that would reduce my sex drive, if such drugs actually exist. Do you have any advice?
--- BURDENED
quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
I think the oversexually stimulated western culture and western minded people focus too much on sex...
and I think this coupled with porn etc... makes many problems unnecessary...
some problems are as sister said above... hormonal
Which means an immature level of impatience on the part of the partner .... such as men who are unwilling to wait for their wives to recover from birth ...
that said... that even in the most righteous society physical incompatibility can be reduced through homogeny and courtship... where things are known... or at least discussed frankly before hand... and there are expectations that are laid out on the line...
but in an oversexed society where people are not looking for marriage but to "hook up" and then may discover after hooking up for a while they want to try "marriage" ... iono... delve further into porn... cheat on your spouse... drug yourself... alter your body chemistry... talk and talk about it and hope talking will spark emotions to do it...
If you are of some of the eastern half righteous half selfish mentality... you could just take on another wife to satisfy your urges... you could advocate lots and LOTS of fornication so young men and women will test drive their bodies with one another and preach to them to remove their emotions from the act so that they understand the importance of a good climax in marriage...
or...
oh...
you could change your thinking about sex... and realize that one move by one person may result in a completely different reaction by you from another person making the same moves...
the difference of pleasure and desire is not in the mechanics but in the connection between the two...
but, this society is not ready for that...
so ...
on with the lube... toys... drugs... cheating.. and fornicating..
how enlightening! [/sarcasm]
quote:Originally posted by THEBIGDODDY:quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
I think the oversexually stimulated western culture and western minded people focus too much on sex...
and I think this coupled with porn etc... makes many problems unnecessary...
some problems are as sister said above... hormonal
Which means an immature level of impatience on the part of the partner .... such as men who are unwilling to wait for their wives to recover from birth ...
that said... that even in the most righteous society physical incompatibility can be reduced through homogeny and courtship... where things are known... or at least discussed frankly before hand... and there are expectations that are laid out on the line...
but in an oversexed society where people are not looking for marriage but to "hook up" and then may discover after hooking up for a while they want to try "marriage" ... iono... delve further into porn... cheat on your spouse... drug yourself... alter your body chemistry... talk and talk about it and hope talking will spark emotions to do it...
If you are of some of the eastern half righteous half selfish mentality... you could just take on another wife to satisfy your urges... you could advocate lots and LOTS of fornication so young men and women will test drive their bodies with one another and preach to them to remove their emotions from the act so that they understand the importance of a good climax in marriage...
or...
oh...
you could change your thinking about sex... and realize that one move by one person may result in a completely different reaction by you from another person making the same moves...
the difference of pleasure and desire is not in the mechanics but in the connection between the two...
but, this society is not ready for that...
so ...
on with the lube... toys... drugs... cheating.. and fornicating..
how enlightening! [/sarcasm]
My sister, what you have just written comes off as so condescending and self-righteous it's ridiculous.
Instead of just saying, "everything has to be kept in balance and perspective", you busted out with that.
The bottom line is that SEX is part of the package when two people are to be yoked in matrimony, but of course it's not the ONLY part.
So my dear sister it's a two way street and in the scenario presented there are a lot of things happening and it has very little, IMO, to do with western fixations and impurities. Not that I don't agree that those things exist, but.. anyhow.. my position is this:
Every sort of human relationship requires something, and they primarily require FAITHFULNESS. We are all required to walk in FAITHFULNESS towards each other. A lack of faithfulness, in ANY sort of human relationship, is grounds for us extricating ourselves from that relationship until godly amends and efforts are made. If those amends and efforts are not made, then woe be to the person who refuses to be faithful. We are to consistently be handling our business when we are engaging with one another. No exceptions or excuses.
So what is Faithfulness? Faithfulness is when we are deliberately and consistently applying ourselves to meeting the godly requirements of ALL of our relationships.
And I'm not just talking about SEX, but I'm sure you get that.
Their primary issue is communication, and then compassion. I wouldn't have an issue with a partner who had some biological thing happening that made sex challenging, as long as her MIND was right, and her tongue and attitude about it demonstrated a desire to progress and remedy the situation. Apathy and a lack of diligence in that area (or ANY other area) will eventually lead to you getting the boot.
quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
Negro please...
I could care less how I come off to a bunch of oversexed people... OF COURSE any mention of the obvious lack of self control and complete remiss of the purpose and beauty of what sex is SUPPOSED to be is going to be met with a indignant retort.. that is to be EXPECTED... lol In this society being foul is supposed to be dignified... I have little respect for the position...
quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
At any rate... I was speaking in general.. so if you see yourself as not what I described.. then this has little to do with you...
Plus... I don't even know why you quoted me.. you haven't addressed my points... that is if you really understood them instead of just posting out of defense... My point was not about balance.. it was about a complete overhaul of human thought about how to interact with one another... so of course I wouldn't say what I didn't mean...![]()
quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
And I'm not your sister...
quote:Originally posted by THEBIGDODDY:quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
Negro please...
I could care less how I come off to a bunch of oversexed people... OF COURSE any mention of the obvious lack of self control and complete remiss of the purpose and beauty of what sex is SUPPOSED to be is going to be met with a indignant retort.. that is to be EXPECTED... lol In this society being foul is supposed to be dignified... I have little respect for the position...
A bunch of oversexed people? Lack of self-control?
Now who is really being foul up in this mug?
And with what POSITION regarding sex do you find disagreeable?
quote:quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
At any rate... I was speaking in general.. so if you see yourself as not what I described.. then this has little to do with you...
Plus... I don't even know why you quoted me.. you haven't addressed my points... that is if you really understood them instead of just posting out of defense... My point was not about balance.. it was about a complete overhaul of human thought about how to interact with one another... so of course I wouldn't say what I didn't mean...![]()
Why not talk about balance? Is that not what it's really about? Is not mercy, compassion, patience and self-control really about BALANCE?
And I'm not posting out of defense. I'm on the offense.
So, if you have the keys to the sexual universe, then spit.
quote:quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
And I'm not your sister...
Yes you are.
Don't be mad.
quote:Originally posted by THEBIGDODDY:
Okay.
quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
If you are of some of the eastern half righteous half selfish mentality... you could just take on another wife to satisfy your urges... you could advocate lots and LOTS of fornication so young men and women will test drive their bodies with one another and preach to them to remove their emotions from the act so that they understand the importance of a good climax in marriage...
quote:Originally posted by Oshun Auset:quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
If you are of some of the eastern half righteous half selfish mentality... you could just take on another wife to satisfy your urges... you could advocate lots and LOTS of fornication so young men and women will test drive their bodies with one another and preach to them to remove their emotions from the act so that they understand the importance of a good climax in marriage...
Can you explain this type of person, or give examples?... I'm curious about what type of person/attitude this is... I've never heard of a personn/attitude being describes quite like this before. I'm intrigued to whom/what type of person/attitude this refers to. I would like to be able to more clearly idenitfy this type of attitude/person. Thanks you in advance.
quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:quote:Originally posted by Oshun Auset:quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:
If you are of some of the eastern half righteous half selfish mentality... you could just take on another wife to satisfy your urges... you could advocate lots and LOTS of fornication so young men and women will test drive their bodies with one another and preach to them to remove their emotions from the act so that they understand the importance of a good climax in marriage...
Can you explain this type of person, or give examples?... I'm curious about what type of person/attitude this is... I've never heard of a personn/attitude being describes quite like this before. I'm intrigued to whom/what type of person/attitude this refers to. I would like to be able to more clearly idenitfy this type of attitude/person. Thanks you in advance.
eastern half righteous half selfish mentality...
Arabs
you could advocate lots and LOTS of fornication so young men and women will test drive their bodies with one another and preach to them to remove their emotions from the act so that they understand the importance of a good climax in marriage...
Anyone who sees value in fornication... particularly those in the West...
quote:Originally posted by THEBIGDODDY:
Whatever man.. the heart of man is desperately and deceitfully wicked, who can know it?
That was no kinda explanation at all.
Any MATURE enlightened person (even the FORNICATOR) knows that sex is more than just some robotic mechanical act designed to meet a single end.
All the rest of that is just scoffing.
Be what the engagement demands and do it joyfully and you secure all the blessings of that engagement.
I ain't trying to have NOTHING with anybody who is doing it outta duty or with some lofty or vague agenda in mind that REALLY seeks to WITHHOLD, rather than SHARE.
quote:Originally posted by Wiz:
Sooo I guess I should get my credit card back from that hooker?
quote:Originally posted by Wiz:
Sooo I guess I should get my credit card back from that hooker?
quote:Originally posted by Wiz:
Awww, gee Khalliqa, I was just fun'n, I ain't got no credit card.
quote:Originally posted by Wiz:
Awww, gee Khalliqa, I was just fun'n, I ain't got no credit card.
Begging your patience, I used S&H Green Stamps, she was an old ho.quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:quote:Originally posted by Wiz:
Awww, gee Khalliqa, I was just fun'n, I ain't got no credit card.
I know.. I was being rigid... plus... what did you use cash?????
quote:Originally posted by Wiz:Begging your patience, I used S&H Green Stamps, she was an old ho.quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:quote:Originally posted by Wiz:
Awww, gee Khalliqa, I was just fun'n, I ain't got no credit card.
I know.. I was being rigid... plus... what did you use cash?????
quote:Remember, the right answer at the wrong time, is the wrong answer (i think).
quote:I don't no nothing
It's not... I am... I am... I am...quote:That's not a good look.... sounds pathetic.... you must be real hard up for someone to touch you physically ... plus you're broke...
quote:Originally posted by Wiz:It's not... I am... I am... I am...quote:That's not a good look.... sounds pathetic.... you must be real hard up for someone to touch you physically ... plus you're broke...
quote:As far as not knowing anything, well the acknowledgement of one's ignorance is the beginning of one's wisdom. Non?
quote:A grain of salt is not bad.
quote:Originally posted by Wiz:
You respond to a joke with a thesis on the evils of prostitution and you call me weird?
quote:I am certainly not white
unless you separate "you" from your thoughts displayed on the board.. yes ... at the current moment...quote:
But this is not about me, is it?
quote:Remember, the right answer at the wrong time, is the wrong answer (i think).
quote:But this is not about me, is it?
This, being the net and all, you come off as pretty bitter, and not just around racism either. Maybe you ain't happy or something, whatever it is, it ain't cute. And just so you do not trip (cause I know you like to), by 'cute' I mean nice, pleasant, thoughtful, kind, respectful... you know, 'cute'quote:Originally posted by Khalliqa:quote:Originally posted by Wiz:
You respond to a joke with a thesis on the evils of prostitution and you call me weird?
Yes... I find it weird that jokes about degrading women are normal... but then this is America... I suppose for a certain mind that's cute...There was nothing in the joke that degraded women, that is just the way you wanted to see it, which says more about you than it does me. The absurdity of the joke was enough to leave it alone right there. But you wanted to start preaching n'shit.quote:I am certainly not white
you have the mentality of a sneaky racist.... this is the net just your saying I'm not white doesn't make it so.... you're either white or a stupid negro... take your pick... first off, I do not have the mentality of a racist, sneaky or any other sort, there is just something fucked up in your perspective to bring you to that conclusion and you might want to get that check out. And since you ain't got shit to do with who I am, your limit of choices does not mean a damned thing to me, other than what it speaks of you. So unless you are coming with some money on it, you can drop the white shit.
|unless you separate "you" from your thoughts displayed on the board.. yes ... at the current moment...quote:
But this is not about me, is it?
sure...
quote:Originally posted by Wiz:
There was nothing in the joke that degraded women,
quote:first off, I do not have the mentality of a racist, sneaky or any other sort, there is just something fucked up in your perspective to bring you to that conclusion and you might want to get that check out. And since you ain't got shit to do with who I am, your limit of choices does not mean a damned thing to me, other than what it speaks of you. So unless you are coming with some money on it, you can drop the white shit.
quote:This, being the net and all, you come off as pretty bitter, and not just around racism either. Maybe you ain't happy or something, whatever it is, it ain't cute. And just so you do not trip (cause I know you like to), by 'cute' I mean nice, pleasant, thoughtful, kind, respectful... you know, 'cute'
quote:Originally posted by Wiz:
I know what it is, it is the last word syndrome. So I will let you have it,