Married 20 years this Sept 11th, yeah I know, last year was a trip anniversary. We were so bummed out we forgot all about it and waited a few days after to celebrate.

I know that every marriage is different, but this is what I suggest.

Secret to Marriage, IMHO, is figuring out what is worth arguing about, some things are not worth getting upset about. When you are upset, speak to your mate with at least the common courtesy you would with a stranger. Have 2 joint banking accounts, one for her, and one for me. My wife pays the house note, it's gravy after that for her, my wife is great with money, and I got everything else. We don't fight over money. Some things are not worth mentioning; try to talk about relevant issues with love, patience and compassion. Do not seek to dominate the other. Don't be so needy, yes we all have our moments but don't make it a life long moment, get over it whatever it maybe, don't be an emotional burden on your mate. Make sex fun, not a ritual. Play together. Pray together.

Allowing each to have their own space and friends. Don't try to change each other, let each other be who you are, your partner will be motivated by love to adjust and make changes if needed.

Keep your health, don't let yourself go to pieces, if you feel good, you send good vibes to your mate.

I really appreciate and love my wife for putting up with me, I don't try to control her because I respect her intellect and judgment, I don't own her, and I honor her with my life.

Your ideas?

[This message was edited by JuneBug on August 22, 2002 at 10:08 AM.]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

Original Post
junebug,

no wonder you've made it 20 years!! your foundation is sound. i was married for 9 years, and if a lot of the things you mentioned (separate/together money, not dominating, not being an emotional burden, respecting your mates opinion) would have helped my situation. i know i was equally responsible for the demise of my marriage, but i also feel like i gave it my all, and wasn't heard (until it was too late and my heart was no longer in it).

i received this list of characters that a "husband" should strife to achieve for his wife and family. if anyone has anything like this for "wives" i'd love to have it.

1. He is a man of courage, conviction, commitment, compassion and character. He takes the initiative in cultivating a spiritual environment for the family. He becomes a capable and competent student of God's word and lives out before all a life founded on the Word of God. He leads his wife in becoming a woman of God, and he takes the lead in training the children in the things of the Lord.

2. He understands her need for personal affirmation/appreciation. He praises her for personal tributes and qualities. He extols her virtues as a wife, mother and homemaker. He openly commends her, in the presence of others as a marvelous mate, friend, lover and companion. She feels that to him, no one is more important in this world.

3. He understands her need for personal affection (romance). He showers her with timely and generous displays of affection. He also tells her how much he cares for her with a steadfast flow of words, cards, flowers, gifts and common courtesies. Remember: affection is the environment in which sexual union is enjoyed and a wonderful lifetime together developed.

4. He understands her need for intimate conversation. He talks with her at the feeling level, (heart to heart). He listens to her thoughts (i.e., her heart) about the events of her day with sensitivity, interest and concern. Conversations with her convey a desire to understand her, not to change her.

5. He understands her need for honesty and openness. He looks into her eyes and in love, tells her what he really thinks. He explains his plans and actions clearly and completely because he regards himself as responsible for her. He wants her to trust him and feel secure.

6. He understands her need for home support and stability. He firmly shoulders the responsibility to house, feed and clothe the family. He provides and protects, and does not feel sorry for himself when things get tough. Instead he looks for concrete ways to improve home life. He desires to raise their relationship and family to a safer and more fulfilling level. Remember: the husband/father/partner is the security hub of the family.

7. He understands her need for family commitment. He puts his family first. He commits his time and energy to the spiritual, moral and intellectual development of the children. For example, he prays with them, especially at night by the bedside, he reads to them, he engages in sports with them and takes them on other outings. He does not play the fool's game of working long hours, trying to get ahead, while children and spouse languish in neglect.

feedback???

those who stand for nothing fall for anything
Congrats Junebug, the Misses and I celebrated our 22nd in July. With all the quickly marriages and even quicker breakups you and I are a vanishing breed.

As I posted earlier about the success of my marriage don't go to bed mad because you don't know when the lord will call one of you home; don't discuss money in the bedroom its for sleeping and that other activity that should be playful and fun. And above all else support your spouse in her dreams and goals, let her know that they are as important to you as they are to her.

I'm like you in that I'm lucky in that my wife has understood that my job required me to be away for long periods of time and that I wasn't always there for birthdays and anniversities but thru it all we have always been there for each other. Mutual love and respect for each other never goes away no matter how far apart we are.

I tell people that its amazing that nowadays people spend more time and interest in picking out a car that they trade in every four years then taking the time in getting to know and pick someone to share their life with.
*yawn* all marriages are different. You can't enter an institution with a set plan of action. "when I get married, it's gonna be like this"...hahaha, people like that never get married, or are married but headed to divorce faster that the speed of light. You can't get advice from those who are NOT married. You have to work as a team. That's it. Work as a team and for the team. The reason why most marriages fail?? People trying to be "strong and independent" and yet still be a part of the team. Marriage=teamwork. enuff said

"Only the extremely ignorant or the extremely intelligent can resist change."
-- Socrates (470?-399 BC),

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