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*On my back with both arms and both legs in the air*

It's the lowest point emotionally that I have ever been. I lost all reason. I would sit and think of ways to die. I'd pray to God every night not to wake me up in the morning.

I'd cut myself, shallow lines on my hands and deeper ones on my inner ankles. I'd watch myself bleed and try halfheartedly to stop it, wishing that my attempts would fail and I'd pass out anyway.

I overdosed on some type of prescription cough syrup...to this day I don't know exactly what it was but it got me high as a cloud. I drank the entire bottle. On that night I made deep slices on the inside of my right ankle. I didn't feel pain. I didn't feel anything. I could see what I thought was muscle peeking out at me after every cut. The blood flowed for an eternity. Again I pretended to stop it, but in all honesty I wanted to die.

I passed out that night, but not before vomiting a thick, dark black substance. I fell asleep in my bed, alone, with a pool of blood around my feet.

But God woke me up the next morning.

And when I look into the faces of my mother, my sisters, when I feel my stomach and my bundle of joy kicking inside...I'm so glad He did.
I thought about not being; not existing, because the pain was unbearable. But I never got to the methodological aspect. Some black people caused me to experience some mind-numbing/sadistic/savage pain, that is still in many ways, undescribable.

This past week, a beautiful young black woman in my class, gave me a suicide note in my class. She expressed that she was having some depression, and I told her to go home; but before she left, she gave me a note....which I didn't read until after I'd lectured two more classes.3 1/2 hours later. She has not returned to class, but she did call me from the hospital yesterday, where she said she was heavily sedated [?]
nayo you must be feeling numb! I hope you're not beating yourself up about it or blaming yourself in any way.

I flirted with the 'idea' when I was in my teens and unhappy. But thinking and doing are completely different actions.

Over the years, I thought about what makes people take that final actual step. And I believe it is when that person loses all hope of a solution to improve their situation - whatever it is. People who 'successfully' commit suicide aren't trying to get attention, they are set on achieving their goal.

Years ago I went to my niece's wedding - they married young and she was a city girl who married a country guy. I met her husband's uncle - then 40 at the wedding. He swore a lot in true country style, was friendly, feisty and open, and a genuinely colourful character, happily married to a local. About one month after my niece's wedding, his work hand found him hanging from a tree. I couldn't believe this man I'd met - so full of life - was now dead.

Who really knows what drove him to it? We'll probably never know.

Life is such a precious gift, I always hope people dealing with so much despair can find someone to talk to, even if its only to suicide prevention website.
.
wow. i'm glad that you're still here sistahsouljah. thanks everyone for sharing. i think it's an important topic especially from folks who have been to the edge and back. it shows that we can recover even in those most horrible moments.

nayo, i'm a social worker. so you can imagine how often i've heard of someone feeling this way. it's hard not to take on the pain of the people you work with sometimes.
No have not been to that black spot of my soul, but I know of a few coworkers who have tried and others who have suceeded.

My mantra is "this too shall pass"
i have found that no matter how bad we believe our lives to be there is some scary shit out there that we should be thankful that we will never have to experience.
My job is to make sure that my clients have enough skills to avoid that dark hole of death.
quote:
have found that no matter how bad we believe our lives to be there is some scary shit out there that we should be thankful that we will never have to experience.


I've had my depressed times - after my first marriage. But I never wanted to end it all. Broken hearts mend, money can be made again etc. Don't sweat the small stuff and in the grand design a lot of what we worry about is small stuff.

Every day above ground is a good day Wink
I have considered it and attempted it before. I tried to overdose on pills a couple of times.My boyfriend called an ambulance for me once but, they took so long to come out that i woke up out of it and convinced them that i was just drunk-I had been drinking so there were empty vodka bottles in the room and they believed me. I've been battling depression all of my life and put myself on anti-depressants about two years ago. God is the only reason I am still here to talk about it.

I to am in the social work field. Over the summer i worked at a psychiatric hospital working with children and adolescents and at least 80% of those kids were in there for overdosing and suicide attempts. It's hard not to take that home with you and think about it even after the kids have been discharged. Talking to some of them you could understand how someone would really make that final step over the edge.
I believe many of the thoughts and actions that we entertain are culturally-influenced. I doubt that if we were existing in a culture where life is highly valued that the people would resort to suicide so readily. For instance, I was watching the news today to learn about a game played by teenagers called the "Choking Game." This game is played by each teen taking turns choking one another just before losing consciousness. This game reveals just how little people in this country value life and the life of others.
Rwanda..during the "massacre". We wer'nt allowed to intervene but if any Rwandans came across the border we were allowed to help and airlift. The ones who made it across....it would of been more merciful just to shoot them. I got back to my apartment (when I was stationed in Cali) and just thought about what I saw, and drank, and thought some more and drank more. Until I pulled out my .9mm I had at the time and just stared at it. Then I loaded it (not realizing I was crying..and berating myself for following orders) and looked into the barrell. If my mother had'nt called me out of the blue based on some feeling she had.........
Yesterday, I had my children - essentially - taken from me by a biased (against fathers) legal system and an ex-wife with no integrity who would lie and steal and cheat to get her way. On top of that, I have no current income. Back in the spring when my ex basically kidnapped my kids and prevented me from either seeing or talking to them, I took my eye off the new business development ball (I have been a self-employed consultant). I have no pipeline - no money. So now - all of my existing contracts have expired. I am pounding the pavement looking to find a much needed j - o - b. In fact, the last company that I did a project for a few weeks back is screwing around and hasn't paid me. Today I am picking up the keys to an apartment - that I am essentially being forced to downsize to. My car lease is up in a couple of months. No doubt, I'll be downsizing there too.

The whole reason why I got married in the first place was to have children. I was impulsive and stupid and married someone I didn't even know and who I had nothing in common with. I had a 9 year NIGHTMARE of a marriage. My wife saw me as a way to get kids for herself and finance a lifestyle that she aspired to but couldn't earn herself. When we married I had about as close to perfect credit as you can get. After 9 years of her compulsive spending - spending everything that I earned and more - I today have NO credit, no money, no savings, no retirement, no life insurance, no nothing. At this very moment, I am probably at as close to the proverbial "bottom" as it gets.

So, basically, I have lost my children, my company, my home, my car, my credit, any assets, etc. Although I have not contemplated suicide, I can certainly comiserate. I certainly can! In these times I think it is our faith in God that sustains us. I have always believed that everything that happens to people does so for a reason. I can assure you that I am trying really hard to learn whatever lessons God has for me now!!
sck
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MBM,

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I've been their. Fortunately, I didn't father any children with my ex. But my HARD EARNED credit was destroyed in under year, which is how long the marriage lasted. I chalk it up to being young and naïve.

I lost my house and everything I PUT IN it because she only knew how to spend. But I was sitting in my little apartment that I had issue getting because of my ruined credit and there as a snow storm in the area. I was alone, cut off from family and friends, and depressed. I was angry and bitter and what I had lost. I wanted revenge but something spoke to me and said the best revenge is to live well. And that is exactly what I did.

After about 2 years, I finished getting my degree, bought a new, bigger, and nicer home, found a good solid job with the government. And today I sit in this house with my new wife and my 5 month old son.

In the past year my wife's brother went thru the same thing you are going thru. He has two children with his trifling wife. And the courts cut his throat. I know he was angry and depressed but I told him that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. He got thru it for the most part. He still has to deal with her for the kid's sake. You can do the same.

This maybe the time that God wants to see if you can look back and realize that he has been with you thru other hard times and he will be with you thru these times as well. It's easy to praise Him when things are good. The true TEST is can you praise him during the hard times.

I know that things will come around for you.

God Bless
quote:
Originally posted by MBM:
Yesterday, I had my children - essentially - taken from me by a biased (against fathers) legal system and an ex-wife with no integrity who would lie and steal and cheat to get her way. On top of that, I have no current income. Back in the spring when my ex basically kidnapped my kids and prevented me from either seeing or talking to them, I took my eye off the new business development ball (I have been a self-employed consultant). I have no pipeline - no money. So now - all of my existing contracts have expired. I am pounding the pavement looking to find a much needed j - o - b. In fact, the last company that I did a project for a few weeks back is screwing around and hasn't paid me. Today I am picking up the keys to an apartment - that I am essentially being forced to downsize to. My car lease is up in a couple of months. No doubt, I'll be downsizing there too.

The whole reason why I got married in the first place was to have children. I was impulsive and stupid and married someone I didn't even know and who I had nothing in common with. I had a 9 year NIGHTMARE of a marriage. My wife saw me as a way to get kids for herself and finance a lifestyle that she aspired to but couldn't earn herself. When we married I had about as close to perfect credit as you can get. After 9 years of her compulsive spending - spending everything that I earned and more - I today have NO credit, no money, no savings, no retirement, no life insurance, no nothing. At this very moment, I am probably at as close to the proverbial "bottom" as it gets.

So, basically, I have lost my children, my company, my home, my car, my credit, any assets, etc. Although I have not contemplated suicide, I can certainly comiserate. I certainly can! In these times I think it is our faith in God that sustains us. I have always believed that everything that happens to people does so for a reason. I can assure you that I am trying really hard to learn whatever lessons God has for me now!!
sck



MBM,


My prayers to you, for you. And I second what 'MidifeMan' said. As I mentioned earlier, I have had times in my life so painful, that the thought of NOT 'being' actually gave me comfort! However, there are still some daze.... However, hold on to your faith, and belief in yourself to see through these tough times.
I was in a doctoral program, putting myself through, in a job which had some of the most despicable people I had had the misfortune to work with. My grad. committee was runnerup, and this all in my final semester, as I was preparing for the comps and dissertation defense. Due to the stress,I began battling all manner of physical ailments, with one almost becoming life threatening. Around this time, I learned from home that my father had passed, and when requesting time off, was informed that I would be fired if I took off. I did not see how I should/could survive these indignities. But I told myself, 'no more pity part'. Work through this. I did. You will too.
I've seriously contemplated suicide and attempted it twice (the recovery from and reprocussions of both incidents was enough to make me wish I was dead). Both my grandmother and my brother were successful suicides.

I don't know if I'd agree that it's a testament to how little people value life. There's typically a great deal of (misguided) consideration for others that goes into planning your own death: everything from tying up loose ends before you go to imagining how much better off everyone will be afterward. There's a bit of relief to knowing that tomorrow or next Tuesday or whatever the day is, it's over.

I remember being in the hospital and a therapist came in to see me and she had a CD player with her and she played for me Enya's "Only Time" and told me that our only responsibility in life was to do all that we could, one day at a time. Just make it through the one day, giving it everything I have, and deal with tomorrow when it comes. That's helped me tremendously.

MBM, you are in my thoughts, cutie pie. Other divorced fathers can probably offer you the best practical and emotional advice. This group: Fathers Are Parents Too, has meetings in Atlanta. I don't know much about it, but it seems to be a combination of support, advice/lectures, and activism. Just food for thought. Smile
On a positive note, it's a great to hear that - as painful as it is - that each of you has worked through or is working through your crisis.

It's very difficult to feel that these 'challenges' are for a reason, and that the purpose is ultimately to make us stronger, better people. Although I find it's a struggle sometimes to believe it, I do believe it.

I choose to not follow any organised religion, which can make it quite challenging to try to work through issues - of all sizes - but as I say that's my choice. Smile

MBM: Love and hope to you and try not to become 'hard'. I've 'been there' but fortunately (for me) I didn't have children to add to the mix. It's very hard and only the very lucky get a 'quick fix'. However I believe your open heart and integrity WILL see you through it - and stronger for it.

tfro
.
I have to honestly say that...I have contemplated the idea of ending my life. The very sad part about it was that I was so young when I considered it. I was 12 my dad was being very flaky in picking me up for my weekend visits with him. So one weekend when he didn't show up at school to get me I called over there and asked him why he kept forgeting about me. He got so upset with me and I started crying so he "hung up", at least I think he tried to, anyway I heard him tell a lady in that background that his "stupid kid kept bothering him." That was only the beginning because then I heard him say something to the effect that he wished he'd never had me. I took that for face value and cried even more before I tried to take a bottle of pills. The thing you have to know about me is that up until that incident I had a serious case of "daddy's girl-itis", no one could tell me that my daddy wasn't superman or better Frown. Well I think I took maybe two of three pills before my older brother burst into the bathroom and made me throw them up and talk to him. That was the day my older brother saved my life.(LOVE U MIKE kiss ) Well anyway I'm really happy that I didn't. Even though I've had to cut my father out of my life sck just for me to realize that he was making me dislike who I was. I look at that experience now as one of those if it don't kill me it makes me stronger situations. I just have to remeber that I can't please everyone and the only person that I can please is me. Big Grin


~~~Love LIve LIfe You Only Get One heart~~~
quote:
Originally posted by Rowe:
I believe many of the thoughts and actions that we entertain are culturally-influenced. I doubt that if we were existing in a culture where life is highly valued that the people would resort to suicide so readily. For instance, I was watching the news today to learn about a game played by teenagers called the "Choking Game." This game is played by each teen taking turns choking one another just before losing consciousness. This game reveals just how little people in this country value life and the life of others.


Rowe,
I agree with you to a point...the crazy thing about this country is that things are readily reported here much, more so than in other countries where the rule is hush-hush and don't air out your dirty laundry. This I believe is a good thing..I wish that Nigeria was a little abit more revealing about such issues but that is another topic in itself. I must say you sound like most healthcare professionals who tend to look down on the roots causes of suicide amongst their colleagues as a sign of moral weakness.
I too have thought of commiting suicide when I was in medical school largely due to issues I never had to deal with revolving my childhood experiences. But with the love of friends, prayer and a combination of psychotherapy and medication...I overcame my past....but I am still dealing with it but now largely by writing and posting it on sites like this.
As to other countries, my gut says there is probably a higher incidence of depression in other countries but it is (not surprisingly) underreported
quote:
Originally posted by SistahSouljah:
*On my back with both arms and both legs in the air*

It's the lowest point emotionally that I have ever been. I lost all reason. I would sit and think of ways to die. I'd pray to God every night not to wake me up in the morning.

I'd cut myself, shallow lines on my hands and deeper ones on my inner ankles. I'd watch myself bleed and try halfheartedly to stop it, wishing that my attempts would fail and I'd pass out anyway.

I overdosed on some type of prescription cough syrup...to this day I don't know exactly what it was but it got me high as a cloud. I drank the entire bottle. On that night I made deep slices on the inside of my right ankle. I didn't feel pain. I didn't feel anything. I could see what I thought was muscle peeking out at me after every cut. The blood flowed for an eternity. Again I pretended to stop it, but in all honesty I wanted to die.

I passed out that night, but not before vomiting a thick, dark black substance. I fell asleep in my bed, alone, with a pool of blood around my feet.

But God woke me up the next morning.

And when I look into the faces of my mother, my sisters, when I feel my stomach and my bundle of joy kicking inside...I'm so glad He did.


I am glad that you are still around but I feel your pain.....Stay strong!
quote:
Originally posted by MBM:
Yesterday, I had my children - essentially - taken from me by a biased (against fathers) legal system and an ex-wife with no integrity who would lie and steal and cheat to get her way. On top of that, I have no current income. Back in the spring when my ex basically kidnapped my kids and prevented me from either seeing or talking to them, I took my eye off the new business development ball (I have been a self-employed consultant). I have no pipeline - no money. So now - all of my existing contracts have expired. I am pounding the pavement looking to find a much needed j - o - b. In fact, the last company that I did a project for a few weeks back is screwing around and hasn't paid me. Today I am picking up the keys to an apartment - that I am essentially being forced to downsize to. My car lease is up in a couple of months. No doubt, I'll be downsizing there too.

The whole reason why I got married in the first place was to have children. I was impulsive and stupid and married someone I didn't even know and who I had nothing in common with. I had a 9 year NIGHTMARE of a marriage. My wife saw me as a way to get kids for herself and finance a lifestyle that she aspired to but couldn't earn herself. When we married I had about as close to perfect credit as you can get. After 9 years of her compulsive spending - spending everything that I earned and more - I today have NO credit, no money, no savings, no retirement, no life insurance, no nothing. At this very moment, I am probably at as close to the proverbial "bottom" as it gets.

So, basically, I have lost my children, my company, my home, my car, my credit, any assets, etc. Although I have not contemplated suicide, I can certainly comiserate. I certainly can! In these times I think it is our faith in God that sustains us. I have always believed that everything that happens to people does so for a reason. I can assure you that I am trying really hard to learn whatever lessons God has for me now!!
sck


Geez,
MBM, I am sorry to hear that...it is tough out there...May God see you thru these hard times>
MBM,

i'm so sorry to hear what you are currently going through. i don't pretend to know the circumstances of your break up. but i will say that in your postings and in chats that i've had with you, you have always presented as a sensitive caring man. your ex wife is a fool not only for letting you go, but for treating you like this. it's not fair that good men get treated so badly, when there are women who would love nothing better than a good man.

i feel in my heart that you will preservere through this and you are going to make it. you will find a job, a better lifestyle, and if you want, a better relationship. although it's impossible to cut your wife out of the equation when it comes to your kids, it is possible to put them first. stay strong and keep letting them know any way you can that you love them and want to be with them, no matter what's going on with their mother.

you and your children will be in my prayers.
quote:
Originally posted by little minx:
i would like to thank everyone for their honest responses. i really think that every success story is an inspiration. you may think you are just telling your personal story, but what you are actually doing, is saving someone's life. your strength and your testimonials of healing are a blessing.

thank you

thanks


You are welcome!
I am glad that suicide is not a part of your plans, but I will include you in my prayers. I am so sorry to hear about the things you are going through, but I am glad that you felt that you can share your personal life with us(the forum). Before I signed up on this forum, I felt I didn't have too many friends to talk to, and I want to thank everyone for giving me advice to make it through my problems. Keep your head up.

I can hopefully give you some good advice.

To make some extra money:
1. Sue the da-- company for not paying you.
2. Get all the things you have that you think is junk, and have a yard sale or go to the flea market ( one person's junk, is another person's treasure)
3. I don't know what your business field is, but let it work for you.(work smarter, not harder)
4. Get into a business/job field you always wanted to do.
5. Come up with intelligent NEW ways to make money, like for instance, I order about 300.00 to 500.00 worth of wholesale merchandise, and sell at retail at sporting events as a vendor.
A good day after paying for your vendor spot might be 2,000-3,000 dollars(it depends on the merchandise) One example, my husband and I set up at a football game as vendors(you need a business license of course), and we did very well, but the people beside us were selling food and drinks they said they spent 2,500 in food/drinks/supplies, had their license, DHEC to check their vendor trailor, and they made
over 20,000!
6. Remember anything is possible, when you are POSITIVE, and you put your mind to accomplish it.

Again you are in my daily, and evening prayers.
MBM I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a trying time right now. I'm not in a very stable point in my own life right now so I doubt there is anything i can do to help you, but if there is anything i can do you just let me know. You were always supportive of me here, it's been a long run-I remember some words of wisdom you imparted to me when i was going through a very hard breakup and now the whole chaos surrounding the hurricane that really helped me. just know that your work here is certainly not for nothing you are helping your community-just look at posts like this, it may be a sore subject to discuss but discussing it is better than acting on it and without you we wouldn't be talking about suicide right now, who nows what some of us would be doing.
quote:
Originally posted by MBM:
Yesterday, I had my children - essentially - taken from me by a biased (against fathers) legal system and an ex-wife with no integrity who would lie and steal and cheat to get her way. On top of that, I have no current income. Back in the spring when my ex basically kidnapped my kids and prevented me from either seeing or talking to them, I took my eye off the new business development ball (I have been a self-employed consultant). I have no pipeline - no money. So now - all of my existing contracts have expired. I am pounding the pavement looking to find a much needed j - o - b. In fact, the last company that I did a project for a few weeks back is screwing around and hasn't paid me. Today I am picking up the keys to an apartment - that I am essentially being forced to downsize to. My car lease is up in a couple of months. No doubt, I'll be downsizing there too.

The whole reason why I got married in the first place was to have children. I was impulsive and stupid and married someone I didn't even know and who I had nothing in common with. I had a 9 year NIGHTMARE of a marriage. My wife saw me as a way to get kids for herself and finance a lifestyle that she aspired to but couldn't earn herself. When we married I had about as close to perfect credit as you can get. After 9 years of her compulsive spending - spending everything that I earned and more - I today have NO credit, no money, no savings, no retirement, no life insurance, no nothing. At this very moment, I am probably at as close to the proverbial "bottom" as it gets.

So, basically, I have lost my children, my company, my home, my car, my credit, any assets, etc. Although I have not contemplated suicide, I can certainly comiserate. I certainly can! In these times I think it is our faith in God that sustains us. I have always believed that everything that happens to people does so for a reason. I can assure you that I am trying really hard to learn whatever lessons God has for me now!!
sck
You have no idea how much we have in common......


Peace,
Virtue
Well, friend, my heart sincerely goes out to you. I would not wish this on anyone. I will tell you, though, that for me - even though I am still in the thick of it - things are MUCH better now than then. If this is something you are going through now - there IS light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
bsm
I've never tried to commit suicide... and perhaps I've never even seriously considered it.... I have a cousin who thinks that we have some sort of survival gene in our family because - even through all the dark episodes and twisted personalities - it seems that none of us have resorted to suicide...

I do know what it's like to be severely depressed though.... There's no darkness like it... And it manifested itself physically in my case... For awhile I thought I had MS because I was exhibiting symptoms of it. Losing sensation in my limbs, severe aches and tremors, temporary paralysis, etc. I was physically exhausted for weeks on end. I went from sleeping 6 hrs/day to sleeping 15 hrs/day. Sleeping all the time... loss of appetite. It WAS BAD... VERY BAD...

But it was during this time that I first seriously picked up a camera. It was my camera that got me out of bed... that helped me to face the world again... So something good came out of it...

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