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I have a beautiful daughter who just turned one in July. (Her father is the man that I talked about in my topic "my Story" in the Den.) Since I have decided that I don't want to be with him anymore (for obvious reasons) and stopped having sex with him, he no longer feels the need to honor his commitments to our daughter. His child support is ALWAYS late if he even pays and he doesn't see her as much as he did when we were still kicking it. He sees his other kids EVERY week and helps out financially as well. He is still sleeping with both of these women.

Just a sample of what I am dealing with: Yesterday, he called me to argue with me about something. I picked up the phone and said "Oh, you can call when you think I'm mad but you can't call to check on your daughter?" He says "I don't need to call you period. I can text you for that." He may as well have shot me in the chest. So, he can text me and find out how our beautiful, developing one year old daughter is? He doesn't need to see her???

Please help me understand this.

Fellas: Have you ever done this type of thing and why???? Ladies: Have you experienced this type of thing? How did you handle it? How do I keep him from blowing holes in my heart with his mean words? Why does it hurt me so much that he chooses not to be in our daughter's life? Please help me understand......
Shema
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Heeeyyy at least you GET your child support; I have to wait a full year (at least) to get mine by taking her income tax refund. To stop his words from hurting, the best way is to stop caring about his words. You already know his character. You won't and can't change him. Your daughter needs your energy and attention on and for HER. Get the child support checks, put that money towards your daughters well being and keep him in the past. You're allowing him way too much power over you.
quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:
Heeeyyy at least you GET your child support; I have to wait a full year (at least) to get mine by taking her income tax refund. To stop his words from hurting, the best way is to stop caring about his words. You already know his character. You won't and can't change him. Your daughter needs your energy and attention on and for HER. Get the child support checks, put that money towards your daughters well being and keep him in the past. You're allowing him way too much power over you.



yeah

If my brother behaved this way, * I * would kick his azz.

Dear sistah, this fool is not worth your energy. There is nothing more to understand.
quote:
Originally posted by HonestBrother:
quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:
Heeeyyy at least you GET your child support; I have to wait a full year (at least) to get mine by taking her income tax refund. To stop his words from hurting, the best way is to stop caring about his words. You already know his character. You won't and can't change him. Your daughter needs your energy and attention on and for HER. Get the child support checks, put that money towards your daughters well being and keep him in the past. You're allowing him way too much power over you.



yeah

If my brother behaved this way, * I * would kick his azz.

Dear sistah, this fool is not worth your energy. There is nothing more to understand.


Thank you both. I am so glad to hear from some men on this. I think you are both right.

I mean, as long as things were going his way and I looked the other way while he cheated on me, fathered two children outside of our relationship, etc., he was the model father. Now, all of a sudden, he didn't "run" like he thought he would so his money is short or he lies and says he wasn't in town. HE MISSED OUR DAUGHTER'S FIRST BIRTHDAY. I don't have to tell you how destroyed I was. Its just frustrating. When I don't have to deal with him, I am so happy and content. It just KILLS me inside that he doesn't care about our child. I know I can't make him but it just feels like a direct assault on me for some reason.
quote:
Originally posted by The one and only ME:
I have a beautiful daughter who just turned one in July. (Her father is the man that I talked about in my topic "my Story" in the Den.) Since I have decided that I don't want to be with him anymore (for obvious reasons) and stopped having sex with him, he no longer feels the need to honor his commitments to our daughter. His child support is ALWAYS late if he even pays and he doesn't see her as much as he did when we were still kicking it. He sees his other kids EVERY week and helps out financially as well. He is still sleeping with both of these women.

Just a sample of what I am dealing with: Yesterday, he called me to argue with me about something. I picked up the phone and said "Oh, you can call when you think I'm mad but you can't call to check on your daughter?" He says "I don't need to call you period. I can text you for that." He may as well have shot me in the chest. So, he can text me and find out how our beautiful, developing one year old daughter is? He doesn't need to see her???

Please help me understand this.

Fellas: Have you ever done this type of thing and why???? Ladies: Have you experienced this type of thing? How did you handle it? How do I keep him from blowing holes in my heart with his mean words? Why does it hurt me so much that he chooses not to be in our daughter's life? Please help me understand......


Both Gambit & Honestbrother gave you excellent advice, my sister Smile There's nothing to understand, the man is trifling -- move on.

It seems to me you may 'still' harbor romantic feelings for your ex, now THAT always makes it tough. Keep in mind, though, this old cliche: "The best revenge is to live well."

Yep, and it's true. Smile The best revenge IS to live well, so concentrate on YOU & YOUR DAUGHTER.

Picture how your life will be. . . Smile See yourself with all that you want out of life.

And then too, get a court order for that child support, have the courts make your ex pay what he's supposed to pay.

Dang, I can remember when I wished I had your problem. I wanted my ex completely out of my life AND I wanted him to see our daughter 'once,' maybe 'twice' a month. Yeah, I was living in a dream world, Neo. LOL. I didn't care how much he loved his daughter [I was trippin' big time].

My ex put up such a legal battle, I almost had to borrow from a retirement fund to cover legal expenses.

And when I say there was a vicious custody battle, that's putting it mildly. Frown

Thank goodness your situation isn't like THAT [emotionally & financially draining with attempts to drag your good name through the mud] -- see, it could always be worse. Smile Focus on how much better it is for you, and how much better it will continue to be.

When I think of my custody situation now, I realize I reacted "emotionally" and not to the best interest of my daughter. It wasn't to her 'best interest' to visit her father once a month. I knew my ex was a "family man" [who would be committed to his children] when I married him.

And sadly, I must admit. . .without realizing it, I wanted to hurt him. Once I understood some of the TRUE motives behind my actions, I was able to let it go.

That said, the best interest of your daughter is for YOU to be happy by setting a good example for her.

So keep your head UP, my sister, and move on.

This too shall pass. Smile
quote:
Originally posted by The one and only ME:
I know I can't make him but it just feels like a direct assault on me for some reason.


Perhaps it is ... in an indirect way, TOAOM! sck

There could be any number of reasons for his behavior. Maybe his distance is not so much away from his daughter as it is from you. Just as you are feeling the pains of being separated from him he could be feeling the pains of being separated from you! (Although probably not for the same reasons ... you because you loved and trusted him, him because he's not used to not getting what he wants! Although, it's possible he slipped up and fell in love too ... in that case, rational behavior goes out the window fo real, tho!! Eek)

Also, make sure you are not using the hopes of him being involved with his daughter as your secret desire to make sure you see him. Would you be all right with him simply only seeing his daughter (say, picking her up for a weekend) or is it that you hope that he comes to spend time with her and you?? Because that would determine if you have truly let go. sck

The guys are right. He's not worth your energy. But, it's easier to tell your head that than it is to make your heart hear and know it. It will take time, but that should be your goal. As unfortunate as it is that he is choosing to miss out on his child's development ... it's HIS loss, that will have to be his cross to bear ... but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying and partaking in every single moment of her!! Smile Also, since he already has several other children, it may be a process where he feels he's already "been there, done that" while it is more new and exciting for you.

As long as you know that you are giving him every opportunity to be a part of your little angel's life and be the daddy she needs ... him not taking advantage of it is his problem and his alone. Don't burden yourself. You've got enough to handle with the "Terrible Twos" coming your way! Smile
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
quote:
Originally posted by The one and only ME:
I know I can't make him but it just feels like a direct assault on me for some reason.


Perhaps it is ... in an indirect way, TOAOM! sck

There could be any number of reasons for his behavior. Maybe his distance is not so much away from his daughter as it is from you. Just as you are feeling the pains of being separated from him he could be feeling the pains of being separated from you! (Although probably not for the same reasons ... you because you loved and trusted him, him because he's not used to not getting what he wants! Although, it's possible he slipped up and fell in love too ... in that case, rational behavior goes out the window fo real, tho!! Eek)

Also, make sure you are not using the hopes of him being involved with his daughter as your secret desire to make sure you see him. Would you be all right with him simply only seeing his daughter (say, picking her up for a weekend) or is it that you hope that he comes to spend time with her and you?? Because that would determine if you have truly let go. sck

The guys are right. He's not worth your energy. But, it's easier to tell your head that than it is to make your heart hear and know it. It will take time, but that should be your goal. As unfortunate as it is that he is choosing to miss out on his child's development ... it's HIS loss, that will have to be his cross to bear ... but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying and partaking in every single moment of her!! Smile Also, since he already has several other children, it may be a process where he feels he's already "been there, done that" while it is more new and exciting for you.

As long as you know that you are giving him every opportunity to be a part of your little angel's life and be the daddy she needs ... him not taking advantage of it is his problem and his alone. Don't burden yourself. You've got enough to handle with the "Terrible Twos" coming your way! Smile


These are very good points! Honestly, I know he is a spoiled BRAT and can pout when I don't give in to him. I just hadn't considered that he would do that at the expense of our baby! Fall in love? Huh! You can't do that without a HEART!!!

To answer your question: No, I am not secretly hoping to see him. If I call him right now and say "Come here, my luv". Trust and believe that he will be right there ASAP! I ended our relationship not because of the things he did but because of the way I felt as a result of them. I NEVER thought I would get to a point where I could be in the room with this man and not want to touch him, hold him or have him do the same for me. When I finally got to a point where I could look into his eyes and not turn to jello, I knew I was good to go. And guess what? That was BEFORE I even ended the relationship..... I've done all I can with US. I just want him to be a father.
Fab: Whoa! Thats a tough situation. At this point, though, I would welcome a little resistance for the RIGHT REASONS. At least, I would know that he cares for my little boo boo.

Man: I guess you are right. He knows that, right now, this is the only way to hurt me.

ALL: You guys have really made me feel better today. I was about 15 minutes short of violence with this brotha yesterday. Now, that I've talked to you, I am a little more at peace. Thank you.

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