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Fist, let me say this: I am not posting this as a ploy to meet new men to date. (If that happens, cool, but thats not my intention!) I am posting this story because I hear so many men complain about women for various reasons-mainly because of baggage they bring to relationships. Brothers, I want you to know that there are sistas out there who have experienced all sorts of pain and sorrow and are still open to love.

I want to tell you a story about one of the only men that I have loved-whom I will call "Joe". Now, I am 31 and I have only loved 2 men in my life. I mean, really, truly, unconditionally.

I met Joe in 1997 in class. We were both jobless and looking for a new beginning. I was involved in a relationship and I'm sure he was as well. He had the most beautiful brown eyes and long eyelashes and a scar on his cheek that just intrigued me. I HAD to have him. I observed this man for days before I made my move. Joe was accepting of my advances and we were instantly inseperable. Both our prior relationships took a back seat to "us".

I have to tell you why I loved this man. Joe was fresh out of prison (very short sentence for some stupid, childish crap) yet, you could not tell this man that he wasn't the most successful man in Charlotte. His confidence was intoxicating. His strength was contagious. I could NOT stay away from him. He was kind, romantic, giving in so many ways. I didn't know then the extent of my love for him. I thought I was infatuated with him (very sexy, handsome, great bod). Anyway, as our relationship blossomed I realized that he wasn't ready for the serious commitment that I was. We became a little distant. I married the gentleman that i was involved with when I met Joe......

Joe was upset, understandably, when he learned that I had gotten married and we didn't speak for a while. Months later, he called me at work and we met for lunch. It was as if nothing had changed. He totally discredited my marriage because he knew, as I did, that he was the love of my life. Yes, I cheated on my husband, my friend, whom I never should have married knowing full well that my heart belonged to someone else....... Years later, I left my husband. I did not tell Joe right away that I left my husband because I wanted to be sure that what I felt for Joe all those years was not a result of the loneliness I felt at home with my husband. It wasn't. I finally decided to tell Joe that I left and I invited him over to my apartment. He told me that he was involved in a serious live-in relationship. I didn't pressure him or make him feel uncomfortable. I just moved on. Joe and I remained friends.

Three years after I left my husband, in June, Joe came to me and said that he was ready. He wanted to settle down and marry me. He said that all the relationships he had after me, had been a constant search for "me". No one could compare. I was stunned. The timing was all wrong but I wanted to roll with it. I told him that I wanted him to slow down just a bit but we could definitely pick up where we left off!

Today, 2 1/2 years later, Joe and I are not together. In August (the same year Joe came back to me), I found out that he was seeing another woman and that she was pregnant with his child. I was devastated. I cried for what seemed like weeks! But I loved him. When he explained himself to me and told me what a mistake it was and how much he still loved and wanted to be with me, I BELIEVED HIM. I forgave him and let him come back. On Thanksgiving that next year, she called to tell me that she was pregnant by him again..... No more. I could not still love this man after this. After all the times he apologized for the mistake he made. After all the times he promised me it would NEVER happen again. After all the dreams he sold me.....and I bought....

I also found out that, during our relationship, he had been sleeping with his son's mom whenever the urge hit him, that he was meeting females all over the east coast (b/c of the flexibility of his job) and conversing with them daily (not sure about sex with them but most likely it went down with some of them).

Yet, today, I am not mad at him. He is just who he is. I can't change him or convince him that when you love someone that love runs through your veins-all of them-even the ones in your penis.....

Will the next man have to answer for Joe's mistakes? Nah. Because in spite of all the drama and lies and deception, I know that I can love again. I know that I will love again. I know that my soul mate awaits.........
Shema
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quote:
Originally posted by The one and only ME:


Three years after I left my husband, in June, Joe came to me and said that he was ready. He wanted to settle down and marry me. He said that all the relationships he had after me, had been a constant search for "me". No one could compare. I was stunned. The timing was all wrong but I wanted to roll with it. I told him that I wanted him to slow down just a bit but we could definitely pick up where we left off!



here's a little truth about men, sometimes we will say anything for the 'poosey'. Sound like you got played, no offense, just calling it like I see it. You should know that you aren't the only one that is attracted to that 'fresh outta jail' type....many sisters are...as shown by your "
I also found out that, during our relationship, he had been sleeping with his son's mom whenever the urge hit him, that he was meeting females all over the east coast (b/c of the flexibility of his job) and conversing with them daily (not sure about sex with them but most likely it went down with some of them).
" comment. Good luck in you search for love. flowers
LOL. "poosey" LOL

Yes, I certainly most definitely got played! But what's so messed up about it is that at the time he came to me I was at a point in my life where I would have been fine with having just a sexual relationship with him. Especially since being in a sexual relationship with Joe also means being wined and dined and treated like a queen!! I have yet to understand why he felt he needed to take it to the next level like that. It really was not necessary.
You should know that you aren't the only one that is attracted to that 'fresh outta jail' type....many sisters are...as shown by your "
I also found out that, during our relationship, he had been sleeping with his son's mom whenever the urge hit him, that he was meeting females all over the east coast (b/c of the flexibility of his job) and conversing with them daily (not sure about sex with them but most likely it went down with some of them).
" comment. Good luck in you search for love. flowers[/QUOTE]

I don't really think that I was attracted to the fact that he was fresh outta jail. I was really feeling his confidence and charm and, well, just him. You would never know that this brotha has a record if you met him. He is NOT the thug type or anything. (Not saying that there is anything wrong with the thug type) I think that's his appeal to women. He is like this pretty boy type with thug tendencies or something. Ion know........
quote:
Originally posted by The one and only ME:
I am not posting this as a ploy to meet new men to date. (If that happens, cool, but thats not my intention!) I am posting this story because I hear so many men complain about women for various reasons-mainly because of baggage they bring to relationships. Brothers, I want you to know that there are sistas out there who have experienced all sorts of pain and sorrow and are still open to love.


Don't Take It Personal

Sister TOAOM, first I want to welcome you to the forum, and thank you for sharing such a detailed and personalized story with us. I'm sure it must have been a great relief to unload these feelings and put them into writing; however, I would not take personally any of the topics being posted. Many of the threads that are being posted by various members are created only to inspire conversation, not to personally attack women or men, or to personally attack people individually. Brother Raheem, in particular, is well-known for posting controversial topics and provocative photos for the express purpose of inciting people's interests and to get people talking, and that's it. I just wanted to share this with you, because it reads as if might be a little overwhelmed by the mood that's been established over here, which admittedly, can be a little glum (and combative) at times. Unfortunately, we have our share of pity parties over here.
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flowers appl

Thank you for the honest story. It takes courage, maturity, and some heavy self-esteem to share a tale where you recognize your innocence as well as your guilt. It's not all doom & gloom in the Den and RR is not just an agent provocateur as implied above - sometimes object lessons and the male POV is needed around here. If not provided by men, then by whom (sooner or later, we have to defend ourselves, right? Wink )?

off
I lived in Charlotte in the late 90's. I found it very difficult to crack the social scene. If you were not a "local", people were very hesitant to engage you for long. If this is/was accurate in your experience,why?
quote:
Originally posted by ddouble:
flowers appl

Thank you for the honest story. It takes courage, maturity, and some heavy self-esteem to share a tale where you recognize your innocence as well as your guilt. It's not all doom & gloom in the Den and RR is not just an agent provocateur as implied above - sometimes object lessons and the male POV is needed around here. If not provided by men, then by whom (sooner or later, we have to defend ourselves, right? Wink )?

off
I lived in Charlotte in the late 90's. I found it very difficult to crack the social scene. If you were not a "local", people were very hesitant to engage you for long. If this is/was accurate in your experience,why?


Ddouble, this was a nice, warm welcome. Sometimes I think new members can get scared off by the sexual tension and hostile mood that sometimes exist between the male and female posters over here.
quote:
Originally posted by Rowe:
quote:
Originally posted by The one and only ME:
I am not posting this as a ploy to meet new men to date. (If that happens, cool, but thats not my intention!) I am posting this story because I hear so many men complain about women for various reasons-mainly because of baggage they bring to relationships. Brothers, I want you to know that there are sistas out there who have experienced all sorts of pain and sorrow and are still open to love.


Don't Take It Personal

Sister TOAOM, first I want to welcome you to the forum, and thank you for sharing such a detailed and personalized story with us. I'm sure it must have been a great relief to unload these feelings and put them into writing; however, I would not take personally any of the topics being posted. Many of the threads that are being posted by various members are created only to inspire conversation, not to personally attack women or men, or to personally attack people individually. Brother Raheem, in particular, is well-known for posting controversial topics and provocative photos for the express purpose of inciting people's interests and to get people talking, and that's it. I just wanted to share this with you, because it reads as if might be a little overwhelmed by the mood that's been established over here, which admittedly, can be a little glum (and combative) at times. Unfortunately, we have our share of pity parties over here.


I disagree. My intent was to provide an honest review of this thread/her story. She appeared to be in love with a man that simply 'spit game' and got her twisted/sprung. I doubt if any women here would have given that assessment, which by the way she agreed with. I think that too often women assume that they are going to get a 'you go girl!!!' or 'all these trifling men!!'...sometimes the truth from a man's point of view is helpful. I remember a few times when I simply expressed an opinion different from the 'yes, i agree' and got railroaded for it, i.e. [older] professional women have a hard time with dating [and finding deep commitments] because they aren't as desired as younger women, men: are you attracted to big women? [I think not], or dating women with kids(watering someone else's seed? wouldn't it be easier to date a childless woman?)]. I understand the anger generated by my opinions, women simply don't want to hear the truth or any thing other than what they believe to explain why their dating/love life sucks...'if men are worthless, then it's not my fault I can't have/find/keep a good man in my life'...'nothing I did to cause it...I'm suffering because I only want black men and plan to hold oyut until i get my own'..'it's the man shortage!!!'. I take it all those negative comments with a grain of salt. Maybe my purpose here is to simply make people think differently than they have for so long. I hope you have a lovely day Smile
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
I disagree. My intent was to provide an honest review of this thread/her story. She appeared to be in love with a man...


Brother Raheem, thanks for letting me know this, but I wasn't responding to the comment that you made in this thread. I only wanted to give Sister TOAOM a general and brief introduction to the type of threads that are commonly posted over here, and that's it.
Thank you all for your responses and the warm welcome.

Rowe: Thanks for the heads up. I am not easily offended. I hear the same complaints from so many men. "Women have too much baggage." "You always have to pay for the mistakes of the last man", etc. I only want to let the intelligent brothas out here know that not all of us who have been hurt cause havoc in future relationships. Yeah, we all have hangups and I was on the "men are so f---ing trifling" path for a minute. But I woke up and I refuse to let this man take away my dream!

Ddouble: How interesting.... I am a "local" and I have found that local men tend to be more intrigued with or interested in women who are NOT from Charlotte. The guy that I talk about in this story is a local. I felt a real connection with him in that we could both remember shopping downtown with our grannies when Belk and Iveys were uptown where the BOA Corporate Center now stands, etc. Nowadays, its so rare to find anyone who is an original Charlottean. You would certainly have better luck with social interaction'06.
I did love him but only as a friend. Which is what we should have remained. I was VERY young and at that time had never experienced the true feelings of love. So, for most of the time I dated my ex husband, I thought that the feelings of friendly love I had toward him was what "the real thing" felt like. Of course, that was until I started to see more of Joe and began to feel things that I knew I could never feel for my ex husband.

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