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79 replies

Men and Girl Friends ...

MBMMBMA1
My only point is that sometimes "mistakes" are uncovered only after making a commitment. You see things about others that you might not have seen before. You change. They change. Shit happens. If there were some way that people could be more analytical (and perhaps less emotional - as crazy as that sounds) about compatability issues before making commitments - better, more happy and healthy long term relationships could result.

Onward and Upward!
N NykkiiA1
i agree, 100%. i think we were asking the same question above (without the committment, you may not realize the mistake).
although i think the author has a point...the fear of committment, the fear of missing out on something better causes a lot of men and women to date eternally, with some giving a false promise of marriage.

i guess bottom line--if you think you've met your mate for life, you've given it time, been analytical and looked at it from a less-emotional state of mind (tell me how that works)--there is still a chance that things will change, you will change, she will change and shit will happen. nothing is for certain.
just gotta deal with the shit, if and when it comes.

Don't make me come down there. --God
LM little minxA1
DON'T FOOL YOURSELF, IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE either.

there are number of reasons why men may delay marrying the woman he wants. the simplest of all is maturity. men sometimes smile suffer from the disease of immaturity. they are waiting because what if they meet halley berry and she wants him? what if after he commits, there's an orgy and he can't partake?

even the concept of the "right woman" gets in the way. what if he commits, and then the perfect woman (who in reality does not exist) comes along? you know, the woman who won't make any demands, cook, clean and agree with him about everything. oh, and lest i forget, she's a supermodel.

it's well known that women are often ready for marriage long before their males counterparts. let's not get into how that plays out in the black community. i don't know why. my theory is that women are only able to reproduce for a limited period of time and men can makes babies til they're dead. women appreciate more, the need to create a life, and family now rather than later. men who think they have forever fail to consider the fact that they don't want people mistaking him for his kids grandfather.

my point is simply that, there are ofcourse situations in which men just clearly don't want to settle for something they don't want. but on the other hand, a long courtship does not ALWAYS mean that he doesn't want her. it may also just mean, he's not mature enough to marry her now.
N NykkiiA1
quote:
Originally posted by little minx:
DON'T FOOL YOURSELF, IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE either.

there are number of reasons why men may delay marrying the woman he wants. the simplest of all is maturity. men sometimes smile suffer from the disease of immaturity. they are waiting because what if they meet halley berry and she wants him? what if after he commits, there's an orgy and he can't partake?

even the concept of the "right woman" gets in the way. what if he commits, and then the perfect woman (who in reality does not exist) comes along? you know, the woman who won't make any demands, cook, clean and agree with him about everything. oh, and lest i forget, she's a supermodel.


minx--i think your point is well taken and you've given a title to what the author of the email was describing -- immaturity.

"cold conclusion: IF A MAN IS STABLE IN LIFE AND HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP AND NOT MARRIED, THEN IT IS BECAUSE HE IS NOT SURE ABOUT THE WOMAN THAT HE IS WITH. He is not willing to commit to her and constantly has his eye open for something better or is waiting for her to become something better. Point blank. When he finds a woman that he is satisfied with, he will make her his wife. We as men, good ones that is, don't waste time when: "We find what we believe is the right woman in our lives."

i've been conducting a little test of my own with single men and men who are dating--and the man who wrote this seems to be speaking the truth. whether we call it immaturity or something else...if ur in a long term dating situation with the promise of marriage...look at it with open eyes, look at the reasons for waiting to move to the next level...are they valid--or can they happen after an engagement or marriage takes place?

Don't make me come down there. --God
I Icon (Guest)
quote:
Originally posted by little minx:
they are waiting because what if they meet halley berry and she wants him? what if after he commits, there's an orgy and he can't partake?


Ladies, I am 35 and never married. Why? Because I AM waiting for Halle or J-LO. Also, the orgy thing is VERY IMPORTANT. It hasn't happened yet (heck, I've never even heard anyone next door making love), but who knows when it will. Think how devastated I'll be if I can't go because the wifey isn't having it? eek

Listen, J-LO been married about 14 times. Maybe I'm 15. Why not. Maybe she'll realize that a reagular, down-to-earth, brother is what she really needs. I've got to be prepared!! big grin
N NykkiiA1
brother Icon--let me call my girl Hey-Ho..ooops i mean J-Lo wink and let her know she's making a BIG mistake with Ben. that way you can get your girl, your super model and super freak all in one!!

no one should have to wait once they've identified what they want, and if that's what you want, i'll do what i can for ya...

one thing though--you know she pick her nose and eats it...is that alright with you? HAHAHAHAHA

Don't make me come down there. --God
N NykkiiA1
*bump*

can men and women be friends??? (this article is being reposted...)

he's just a friend...

intersting article:

When it comes to friendships, society says you only truly befriend those who are of the same sex. Meaning men can only have men as true friends and women can only have women as friends. Can this be true? Skeptics believe that platonic friendships between men and women don't exist since too many physical and mental factors cloud the scene. Women seem to always be conscious of a mans' intentions; how he perceives her and his current relationship status. For many females, it's completely comical to mention to a girlfriend, "oh...he's just my friend." This statement is usually followed by a, "yeah, right!" or a, "whatever". Men are visual creatures and can't be around a female without gawking at her cleavage and making a mental measurement of her booty size. If he's doing this, how could he possibly respect you as a friend?

The Women
Well, it can and does, happen. Some of the most sincere, meaningful friendships are shared between men and women. All of this takes place without the weekend booty calls or the demand for a committed agreement. Many women find it easier to communicate with males and can sometimes find a plethora of comedy through them. Whether she's laughing at his Chris Tucker like jokes, or taking the time to explore his unique knowledge of the male species. Comfort and trust are mandatory for women when choosing male friends. Any feelings of sexual innuendos, or being treated like a babysitter, must not exist.

The Men
Things can be a bit more difficult for men. Since men tend to be more visual and physical, the female body and all of its parts, are very noticeable. Nothing really wrong with that, but men must realize that women do talk, see, eat, have opinions, work for a living, have feelings and actually hold salaries that are much higher than their male counterparts. Speaking of the workplace, some men have trouble relating to women outside of sex or relationships. This seems to be the reason why most workplace harrassment cases are filed by women. Apparently, some of these jerky men don't recognize the fact that women not only are intelligent, independent and confident, but actually appear in the office for the same reasons the men do. But all is not lost. Many men establish strong friendships with women that are strictly platonic. Not only lacking intimacy or disrespect, but also the desire to treat their friend as something other than a friend. A solution to the male/female friendship issue is to treat your male and female friends in the same manner. Be respectful, considerate and trustworthy. Love can blind-side any of us and if you find yourself having stronger feelings for your friend, let them know. Take the responsibility of learning why an individual is a part of your life. Never consider a friend of the opposite sex a, "backup" and you suspect that you're a backup, you never truly had a friend to begin with.

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[This message was edited by Nykkii on September 05, 2003 at 10:16 AM.]
RadioRaheemRadioRaheemA1
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
I actually have several questions about this, but let me start with the explanation.

Over the years, I have made several male friends (platonic variety). In fact, in terms of quantity, I have more male friends than girl friends! I like sports and fixing things and cars and those are the things that usually initiate the bond. However, many of my male friendships did not start out that way! Many of them started out with him thinking there was going to be more and more or less "settling" for the friendship aspect when he found that that was as far as it would go.

Now, I'm just a very friendly person by nature, but my first question is, do most of you guys ever look at a male/female situation initially as "just friends"? If not, why? And if so, why? Smile

Although it's easier for me to be friends with men than it is with women (with women I have to get past the initial suspicions and other issues) I have girlfriends that see no point being involved with men if there's no romantic or intimacy-related involvement. So, my question to the ladies is, do you feel that the male/female issue is better left at the dating/marrying line, or do you see having a male friend as beneficial to you?

Because of the different rules of the game made up by society and men and women not seeing the same thing the same way most of the time, the issue of friends can cross many boundries. So, my next question is to both genders ... what happens to your friends of the opposite sex when you become involoved or married? Do the lines have to be redrawn? And should they be?

I would really like the men's perspective on this!! But, ladies, your input is just as valuable, so please tell me what you think!
I think most men view 'platoic' female friends as '****' blockers and dead weight. It seems like she is 'using' you to do the stuff that a boyfriend 'would'/'should' do...without the benefits. I had that problem in high school and college with 'platoic' friends that wanted to 'hang' out and go to functions, esp. since many things, i.e. movies, plays, formal parties, etc, assume that women MUST have dates with them. I looked at myself as a 'backup' when she was manless or the boyfriend was unavailable/not interested in going. THis 'friendship' also become a problem when I had a girlfriend and the 'female' buddy wanted to 'tag' along, esp. when she was without a relationship and was having a 'lonely weekend'.

Now that i'm older, i don't get too close to females that i'm not dating. Either we start out dating from the jump or no deal...ever!!! Wink

***********************************************************
'Sometimes life is obscene' - Black Crowes


Commerical Hall of Fame - All time list


'Who in the hell left the gate open???' Confused

'Somebody put roots on me' Frown

'I've fallen, and I can't give up!!!' broscream
T Tigers37C1
I can't speak for most men, only myself...but I don't view women as blockers...because the older I get, the mysteries of women become more intriguing...and it takes another woman to unwrap that mystery. That's one of the reasons I think have women friends are valuable.

I have been fortunate to have had a few women friends, one I consider my best friend. In fact, I am the Godfather of her son. We started as friends, and understand that there wouldn't be anything else...we both recognized that there was something missing for us to be together.

This thread has provided a number points of view about men/women friendships. I think what these friendships provide are a missing portion of the normal male/female relationship. In that, no man or woman can fulfill 100 percent of what the other person needs. Friends, male and female, make up that other portion, someone to talk or share, to hear alternative points of view in a safe environment, and tell you if you are off base.

I don't worry about being taken advantage of, because if you have true friends, the giving and receiving isn't issue. You are just helping each other out. I will agree that if I have a female friend, my significant other should meet and know the person...to make sure there aren't any issues that will impact the main relationship.

I don't if I can agree with others about having a friendship after being intimate. We can be "acquaintances", but I can't imagine calling one of them up and asking for advice about a current relationship...maybe a non-personal advice, like investments, that's a possibility.

I guess to summarize, I can't imagine not having female friends. To me, it would like cutting off the half of the world's knowledge and experience. I learn from men and women, and to only have males as a source of friendship eliminates a lot of potential.
isistahisistahA1
(Applause!) Well said, Tiger37. I've had many male friends over the years also and they've been very valuable to me. Not as a "boyfriend filler" (an escort, to help me move etc.), but as honest non-judgemental friends. A sexual attraction doesn't exist between every male and female. Even if you find each other easy on the eyes, that romantic spark just might not be there. But if you're both open to it, a relationship can exist. I think having platonic friends of the opposite sex helps one develop communication skills and a relaxed, confidant manner with same. I would be a little wary of dating a man who had never had any female friends.

I have a male friend with whom I had a long relationship, 20 years ago. Even though we've had other relationships (he's currently married), our friendship has never abated and we've never returned to a sexual relationship. His wife knows that we are friends only and always greets me warmly. It's all about respect, maturity, and communication.
N NykkiiA1
well said both of you (isistah and tigers37)!! it's important that men and women can function on a level beyond sexual and "in-a-relationship".
men having female friends, and women having male friends only makes us as men and women more well rounded as people. to gain insight on what the way the opposite sex approaches life is an advantage.

i agree with you isistah, i don't know if i could consider dating a man who had never had a woman as a friend.

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keylargokeylargoA4
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
[QUOTE]I think most men view 'platoic' female friends as '****' blockers and dead weight.


I'm with you on this one Radio. I don't like to hang out with male friends because I think that they are messing up my "game". It may be different when I'm married but right now I'm single and am always looking to meet men Wink
I don't want a guy to not approach me because he thinks I'm with my boyfriend.


As far as platonic male friends, I don't really have any. I use to but it was only temporarily. My platonic male friends were always trying to "win me over" or seduce me. They wanted more then I wanted so eventually I had to cut them lose.

Now on the other end of the spectrum, I can't remain friends with a guy that I was intimate with. If I was intimate with him, it's because I had deep feelings for him. If he does not want anything more then friendship, then I need to cut him lose. It's too painful to see them with someone else.

Now I do have male friends that I am currently dating. We're not physical and we're still trying to decide where things are going. We will remain friends until we decide where the relationship is going. Eventually, we will either commit or go separate ways.
N NykkiiA1
interesting keylargo...when i kick it with my male friends i still attract men. my friends don't block and don't give off that vibe that we're "together". if anything having them with me gets me introduced to many of they're friends--being the only girl can be a really good thing. but maybe thats just my way of handling the situation.

this is an observational question for all involved based on the obvious two sides this discussion has...

does age have anything to do with when men and women are comfortable enough to engage the opposite sex as a "friend" (post intimacy or not)??

i may be way off base, but i wonder if there is a generational difference in accepting or having opposite sex friends???

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keylargokeylargoA4
quote:
Originally posted by Nykkii:
interesting keylargo...

this is an observational question for all involved based on the obvious two sides this discussion has...

does age have anything to do with when men and women are comfortable enough to engage the opposite sex as a "friend" (post intimacy or not)??

i may be way off base, but i wonder if there is a generational difference in accepting or having opposite sex friends???




Maybe. I'm 31 and I think my clock may be starting to tick....
N NykkiiA1
key--im not that much older than you--and i just don't have the male friend "blocker" issue.

i value my male friends...who better knows how men think than men? and they value me for the same insight.

maybe its just what you're after-i don't have the ticking clock issue, so maybe it's more life experience and where you are in your life that allows you to have friends of the opposite sex more than age...

who knows...

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keylargokeylargoA4
I do have male co-workers that I love to talk to and joke around with. They are married so the physical thing should never be an issue. I talk about guys to them all the time. I will even hang out with them and their wives but that's a little different. I'll also hang out with a group of friends that are both male and female. It's the one on one thing that I don't do.

I'm pretty sure that's what you're focusing on Nykki right?
N NykkiiA1
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Although it's easier for me to be friends with men than it is with women (with women I have to get past the initial suspicions and other issues) I have girlfriends that see no point being involved with men if there's no romantic or intimacy-related involvement. So, my question to the ladies is, do you feel that the male/female issue is better left at the dating/marrying line, or do you see having a male friend as beneficial to you?


i think ebony's question to the ladies on this topic was are men beneficial as friends to us as women, and my answer is YES!! your answer key--seems to be in line with the female friends ebony spoke of in her opening post--men are better left at the dating/relationship level, and to hang with a man one on one could give the impression that your are with him therefore block action from other available men. correct me if i've misread your post. Smile

my focus was only wondering why the difference--is it an age difference thing, is it related to where we all are in our own lives, or something else?

i can easily see a woman who is interested in meeting men, dating men, and looking forward to stopping the clock from ticking to be focused on dating men and not "befriending" them as just a friend. that makes perfect sense.

whereas a woman who is maybe at a different stage in her life can also be interested in dating men, meeting men, and just enjoys the company of men can do both--be friends (one on one) and date them with no issue. that makes sense as well.

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EbonyRoseEbonyRoseA1
Good question, Nykkii! Smile

And although I can definitely see where you're coming from with it (or maybe it's where you're going with it Big Grin) my initial answer was yes ... but on second reflection, I think maybe it's both yes and no.

I think age would play a much bigger part in the guys' being able to accept the platonic relationship in their youth than it would for most females. As the article you posted said, with men being much more visual and physical, if you add the raging testosterone thing into the equation, you come up with it being hard not to think of sex as a first, middle and last thought! Smile

But then, too, there are some females (as evidenced in earlier posts) that just prefer the intimate type of relationship with men from the beginning of the dating game, and that's just something that defines their personalities. A couple of my best friends are like that and have been since forever!!

My neice, who is 20, (and very much like her Auntie Big Grin) has maintained several platonic relationships while (seemingly always) having one steady boyfriend. I don't know what exactly is going through these young men's minds (if they think that one day she will dump her boyfriend and come to them) but, they remain friends with her, and she makes it pretty clear that that's all they can be. And most go for it. Also, my nephews (her brothers) have always seemed to have been able to keep girls as friends even when those girls wanted something more. So all this leads me to believe that a lot of it is in the personality of those involved. Regardless of the age level.

Oh, heck ... I don't know!! LOL As I said before, that's really an excellent question! thumbsup

BLACK by NATURE, PROUD by CHOICE.
Free your mind, and the rest will follow.
isistahisistahA1
I don't think it's an age thing, but more of a personality thing. It can involve your family background and how you were raised. I don't have any brothers, and so have been curious about how males think, feel,and act all my life. Maybe that makes me more open to non-sexual friendships, I don't know. I had male friends as a child and as a teenager. My son has female friends. I think it starts early.

Maintaining the friendship after intimacy might be based on what you were looking for in that romantic relationship in the first place and how you part. If it's agreed that it's not working out, you still like the other person, and wish each other well--why not remain friends? Who knows you better?
N NykkiiA1
I have to say I agree with you both (ER and ISISTAH)...and I don't know if I was going anywhere in particular with the question, it just hit me as I read some of the reply's. It seems this topic has two sides to it.

1. you are capable of having "friends" of the opposite sex who you either have never been intimate with, or have shared intimacy with in the past but are now strictly friends. you are capable of having these types of friends while maintaining a relationship yourself, or with them being in a relationship.

or--

2. you only see the opposite sex as a "dating/relationship" entity in your life. your friends are same sex friends.

the differences in these polarized stances I think it could be a combination of age, experience and personality.

I think like ER said, if you learn to develop these kinds of friendships (opposite sex) early on, you are probably more adept at maintaining them later in life. you can probably see the opposite sex as having a valuable impact on your life outside of "relationship" or just as a sexual partner. I also think that as you get a little older and wiser, and have a few seriously meaningful relationships under your belt your thought process about relationships (friend or intimate) matures. hopefully, you learn more about who you are and about what makes the opposite sex tick. You may find that it is important to keep friends of the opposite sex to help your thoughts and views on relationships in general. All of that comes with time and experience which could easily play into age.

Good/bad examples set at a young age could also play a factor in younger people either being able to maintain opposite sex friends, or not wanting friends of the opposite sex. If you grow up seeing the opposite sex used for selfish reasons, or degraded, by peers or adults you look up to, it could shape your outlook on men and women when you get to an age to make decisions about dating and close friends.

I think Keylargo's point about just really wanting to date as much as she can right now is valid as well. For her, male friends are a hindrance to meeting potential men, and for me they are a very helpful, who better to introduce you to "new guys" than guys you already trust. who better to give you the low down on possible men in your area than men you know and trust. (i always let a new man speak for himself, but a little bit background info never hurt) Wink

I also want to say Isistah you make an excellent point on the post-intimate friendships. If you end the relationship or sexual intimacy with mutal respect and understanding, and both parties find value in remaining friends then there is no reason a friendship can't continue. That could be a personality trait, or it also could just be maturity. Being mature enough to recognize that something isn't working and to step up--and respectfully discuss it while maintaining a good friend at the same time.

on a personal note--my best male friend is someone I was seriously involved with years ago. he has been married and divorced and has kids just like me. now he is in a serious relationship, and about to pop that question. our friendship stems from a lot of common life experience, and the ability to know that 'people' are sometimes more important than a relationships or sex. Smile

maybe some guys are just better equipped for having female friends. Confused

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[This message was edited by Nykkii on September 16, 2003 at 10:41 AM.]
keylargokeylargoA4
I did not have a lot of positive males in my life as a child. I have a younger brother but we are not close. I was always taught that men were bad and just after sex. I lived with my grandmother for awhile and she did not allow me to play with boys or any girls from the neighborhood either. As I got older, I saw my mom and sister in and out of bad relationships. I vowed to never be so naive. Of course I realize now that men are not all bad.

This could have something to do with my current attitude about male friends-I've not had many ever.
EbonyRoseEbonyRoseA1
Very, very well said, Nykkii!! You hit all the nails on the head as far as I'm concerned! Big Grin

And keylargo ... I can understand what you are saying, and I think you are right that that probably has a lot to do with your outlook. It seems like you have come out of it pretty well, though, and with a healthy outlook on yourself and where you've been and where you're going! Smile Perhaps for you, your lover will be your best male friend .... and you can't have it any better than that, girlfriend! Big Grin

BLACK by NATURE, PROUD by CHOICE.
Free your mind, and the rest will follow.
T Tigers37C1
Thank you for sharing the information you did. Provided an interesting insight...I wonder...is it easier for a man to be a friend with a woman than a woman to be a friend to a man?

I have numerous female friends, and I believe it's easier to share with a woman than with another man. My guess is not letting that vulnerable side out to another man. Women, however, tend to listen better, which reflects the better ability to communicate, more nurturing (?). A generalization, women grow up having tea parties, etc in which talking, sharing is a part of the process.

But to my original question, is it easier for a woman to have a male friend than a male to have a female friend? Ladies?
EbonyRoseEbonyRoseA1
Well, Tigers37, my answer would be that I believe it's easier for a woman to have a male friend, than it is for a male to have a female friend, for the reason that as you said that men don't like to show that vulerable side to another man ... well, a lot of them don't like to show that side to a woman either! Eek I believe many of them can see the rewards when/if they do ... but there's a lot of machoism and egotism to break through in the typical male psyche (no offense, guys Big Grin)!!! But there are still alot of guys out there that have too (or believe they should) show the strong, manly side of themselves out there to a woman ... and I think that tends to get in the way a bit more than if does with women, as we don't really carry that kind of mentality.

I think another reason, as has been stated above is because men tend to look at woman initially, and first and foremost, in more intimate/sexual ways than women do men (generally speaking). And, for me, anyway, the way I see it is, it's so very easy to make a friend -- be it male or female. It's a lot less complicated and drama-filled than making a lover. It's pretty much the way I start out all my relationships, or perhaps the outlook I take toward it, and so, to gain a male as a friend is just, almost a natural occurrence!! Whereas to make him my lover takes a lot more involvement. Smile And in the case of women, there is no other option! lol

So, I would say it's easier for a woman to have a male friend than the other way around.

BLACK by NATURE, PROUD by CHOICE.
Free your mind, and the rest will follow.
T Tigers37C1
Thank you EbonyRose,

your response is very helpful...I would have to agree with you about a number of issues, especially the male psyche...issue of machoism and ego. We do tend to put on that strong "front" because for a variety of reasons, which need not be explained further.

"I believe many of them can see the rewards when/if they do" is a true statement...because I have definitely seen the rewards."

What I have learned is that the more I have become "vulnerable", i.e., being aware of that "sensitive" side, my mental side has actually become stronger, and I'm more confident in who I am. It's similar to a previous post I had, about having female friends. That "other" side gives more balance, and better awareness, and becomes a strengthening opportunity. A man may appear weak because of this awareness, when in actuality, he becomes stronger, because he learns to value what is really important, versus image or concern of perception.

Gentlemen, I originally asked the Ladies to comment, any comments?
RadioRaheemRadioRaheemA1
quote:
Originally posted by keylargo:
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
[QUOTE]I think most men view 'platoic' female friends as '****' blockers and dead weight.


I'm with you on this one Radio. I don't like to hang out with male friends because I think that they are messing up my "game". It may be different when I'm married but right now I'm single and am always looking to meet men Wink
I don't want a guy to not approach me because he thinks I'm with my boyfriend.


As far as platonic male friends, I don't really have any. I use to but it was only temporarily. My platonic male friends were always trying to "win me over" or seduce me. They wanted more then I wanted so eventually I had to cut them lose.

Now on the other end of the spectrum, I can't remain friends with a guy that I was intimate with. If I was intimate with him, it's because I had deep feelings for him. If he does not want anything more then friendship, then I need to cut him lose. It's too painful to see them with someone else.

Now I do have male friends that I am currently dating. We're not physical and we're still trying to decide where things are going. We will remain friends until we decide where the relationship is going. Eventually, we will either commit or go separate ways.


i don't know why other disagree with what i've said, i guesss the didn't have the 'real life' experience of 'hanging out' with those 'platoic' buddies and then seeing someone that you really would like to talk to...and how that 'situation' looks to the total stranger. To them, it looks like you are on a date, esp. when it's just a one on one 'friend' dinner. I've had this happen a few times, until i cut my loses and chose to just converse with my female friends and not be a 'backup' 'boyfriend, without the benefits....I call it the 'economy of action' why 'date' someone that you aren't 'dating'...oh well, thanks for the support on this concept, I guess others are talking about things that they haven't lived Wink

***********************************************************
'Sometimes life is obscene' - Black Crowes


Commerical Hall of Fame - All time list


'Who in the hell left the gate open???' Confused

'Somebody put roots on me' Frown

'I've fallen, and I can't give up!!!' broscream
isistahisistahA1
You're concept of the situation seems skewed. If you're out to dinner with a friend it's just that-- it's not a date. If I'm out with a male friend and he wants to invite a female over to our table, or talk to a woman, or buy a woman a drink, I don't have a problem with that. Why would I, he's not my man. Why are all of your dates in quotation marks? It makes it seem as though it has a meaning other than the obvious. If a "date" is synonymous with sex for you, then "friend" is synonymous for lover?

[This message was edited by isistah on September 22, 2003 at 05:37 AM.]
RadioRaheemRadioRaheemA1
quote:
Originally posted by isistah:
You're concept of the situation seems skewed. If you're out to dinner with a friend it's just that-- it's not a date. If I'm out with a male friend and he wants to invite a female over to our table, or talk to a woman, or buy a woman a drink, I don't have a problem with that. Why would I, he's not my man. Why are all of your dates in quotation marks? It makes it seem as though it has a meaning other than the obvious. If a "date" is synonymous with sex for you, then "friend" is synonymous for lover?

[This message was edited by isistah on September 22, 2003 at 05:37 AM.]


i was talking about the appearance to the new person that i would be trying to meet. It makes the situation very cloudy and then i must question why. If two people are out together and sitting at dinner, to the outsiders looking in, it looks like a date. Why not just hang with the homies [no appearance of a date] and then walk over an say hi. It makes me look single, as opposed to the 'having with a female friend' situation looks and would have to be explained [remember this new people does not know you and has NO REASON to trust you, esp on the first meet up.

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I have several male friends in my life. These friendships are totally platonic by the true essence of the word.

Some people you just click with and these men have been there with me through thick and thin.

I know one thing; if I was with a man intimately, there is no way in hell that we'd remain just friends.

That would leave too many windows of opportunity to hook up, yet I digress, b/c I don't have sex with my friends. And I don't continue to have interaction with my ex's (there's a reason that they are an ex Wink).

The relationship that I'm in now he has his male and female friends and I have mine. I trust him alone with his female friends and he trusts me with my male friends.

So, there is no need for boundaries. Boundaries are for folks that can't be trusted.

Now on the other hand, if it's someone that's a "friend" and they used to screw around; I don't think I'd like for him to be alone with her at any given time.

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