1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it of it that way.
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to to complain about having their boobs stared at. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet, attic, basement or worse, the garbage.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle