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Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

Documentaries

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Where was the toothbrush invented?

Arkansas.

If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

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How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island. They've been there for many days with only a little food and water, and they're losing hope.

Every day, the first lawyer climbs a palm tree and scans the horizon, searching for rescue. One day, he can't believe his eyes.

He quickly jumps out of the tree and finds the second lawyer, and he excitedly tells him, "you won't believe what just washed up on the beach". "It's a gorgeous blonde, and she's naked!"

The second lawyer says, "You're kidding! Do you think we should screw her?",

the first lawyer thinks about it for a minute, then he says, "Outta what?"
A man dies and goes to the pearly gates to meet St. Peter. He passes his judgement and St. Peter leads him through the gates.

As they pass through, the first thing the man sees is millions and millions of face clocks floating around in the air.

Man: What are those?

St. Peter: Those are "lie clocks". Everyone has a lie clock. It ticks off one second every time you tell a lie. Here look at this one.

He shows the man Benjamin Franklin's lie clock. It has two seconds ticked off.

Man: Wow! Benjamin Franklin only told two lies in his whole life?

St. Peter: That's right. Here, look at this one.

He shows the man Mother Theresa's lie clock. It has no seconds ticked on it.

Man: Wow! Mother Theresa never told a lie in her whole life?

St. Peter: That's right.

Man: Could I see one more before we move on. I'd really like to see George W. Bush's lie clock.

St. Peter: Sorry, I can't show you that one.

Man: Why not?

St. Peter: Because I don't have it. Jesus keeps it in his office to use as a fan.
A man walks into a bar and sees a horse sitting in the corner. He walks up to the bartender and says "Whose horse is that?"

The bartender replies "That's my horse, why do you ask?" The man replies, "I'll bet you 100 dollars that I can make your horse laugh, and then make him cry."

The bartender laughs at him and says, "Sure, you can't make a horse laugh and cry." So the guy walks over to the horse and within seconds he has the horse laughing hysterically. Within
seconds after that the horse is crying his eyes out.

The man returns to the bar and asks for his 100 dollars. The bartender says, "Before I give you your money, you have to tell me how you did it." The man answers, "It was easy, to
make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his."

The bartender then says, "How did you make him cry, then?" The man replies, "That was easy too, I showed him."

Fab: Now, that last part just cracked me UP. Dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng. lol
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"Help, is there anybody up there?" he shouted, and a majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch." boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anyone else up there I could talk to?"
A film crew was on location deep in the desert.

One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him.

"I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said.

"Radio is broken."
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take
one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got married?"
30 harsh things a Woman Can Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.30
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car.

As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior:

"I know it's none of my business,... but I was wondering why you weren't in the room having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."

lol laugh lol
CAROLINA GIRLS!!!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all
washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Carolina girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the
table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to
fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
quote:
Originally posted by Black Viking:
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."

lol laugh lol
20 lol 20
Height of patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.

Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.

Height of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting
for an earthquake to do the rest.

Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Technology: Condom with zip.

Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching
So Billy Bob was getting ready for work one morning and his wife walk in the bathroom and said "Billy Bob you look terrible...Billy Bob said that is funny cause I feel great.

As he was walking down the stairs he ran into his daughter and she also said "Dad you look terrible...Once again Billy Bob said that is funny because I feel great.

When he got to work his co-workers said my god Billy Bob you look terrible but once again all Billy Bob could say is I feel great.

He got worried and went to the Doctor that afternoon and the Dr asked him what is wrong and by the way Billy Bob you look terrible. But once again Billy Bob said but I feel great.

The Doctor reached for his medical book and keep saying, "looks terrible but feels great"...

Suddenly his eyes light up and he said, "Billy Bob I got it"...

Billy Bob said, what is it Doc?

Well Billy Bob, it says here that you are a Vagina.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped, his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she said earnestly.

"Umph, ooh, nnoo, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a minute", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage
him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?

He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Tips for a happy life:

* Never take a beer to a job interview.

* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-HAUL to the funeral home.
The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.

Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it.

Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road.

A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.

"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell-- its late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like
that," Willie replied.

"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa
won't like it."

After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the wagon"
Subject: Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel SO much better. Anger management really does work!!!
As a painless way to save money, a young couple agreed that every time they made love the husband would put his pocket change into a piggy bank.

One night, during a particularly athletic session of love-making, he knocked the bank off the table.

It hit the floor and shattered. To his surprise, among the coins was a handful of bills.

"What's with the paper money?" he asked his wife.

"Well," she replied, "not everyone's as cheap as you!"
Ralph arrived at his tax audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.

Going over his records, the tax official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"

"I love to gamble and I usually win," replied Ralph.The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look. "I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!" Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped.

Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole. "Want to go double or nothing?" asked Ralph. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again. Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it."
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some
small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No...".

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed.

This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks..."So,you finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No...".

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing
and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again... "So, you finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian..."

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