2 guys are walking down the street, they see a dog licking his balls, one of the guys says to the other. Boy I wish I could do that, The other guy says, dont you think you should pet him first.

*******************

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth.

The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"

************************
God and the man

A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."

So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"

God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."

The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?"

God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."

The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me five cents please?"

God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.

Just wait five minutes!"

************************

Bad Luck

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.

I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

************************

John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. A few moments passed.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few more moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike."

"The Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.

"How do you know their having sex?"

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"

**********************

What do you call a 350 pound stripper?

Broke.

*******

A Woman's Poem


He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do. Smile
Original Post
Southern Virgin

There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married. To celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town. Tammy Jo was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie and Billy Bob thought she was absolutely breathtaking.


As they were getting hot and heavy, Tammy Jo said, "Be gentle with me, I'm a virgin." Billy Bob was totally outraged to hear this revelation. He jumped up, dragged Tammy Jo out of the room, drove to her parents' house and left her crying on the doorstep.

Billy Bob immediately went over to his father's house and told him what had just happened. "She said she was a virgin... A VIRGIN!" To which his father replied, "Well son, as I've always told you, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!"

**********************
Top Nine reasons the 80's were a cooler time to grow up than the 90's:

9) MTV actually played videos in the 80's.

8) There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (White with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.

7) A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

6) In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.


5) In the 80's, when you were out with friends, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.

4) New Kids on the Block vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw.


3) In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol legally.


2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.


1) In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.

********************

How To Crap Like A Man

1. Select reading material.

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang
comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell
people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the bowl.

*Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

11. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

12. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

13. Wash your hands once.

14. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

*******************

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- Silence --

HUSBAND: "Shit."

*************************

A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"

******************

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IMA DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Fab: Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands.

*************************

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa!" answered Jimmy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mother-fucker!"

************************

A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice.

So, when construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a peep hole, the orthopedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door was painted all kinds of crazy colors, and the proctologist's door was left open - just a crack

***********************


Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door and says to the lady,
"I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly give you some great sex instead."

Little Johnny agrees, "All right."

He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them down. To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's ever seen.

Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of washers, and begins sliding them onto his penis.

The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it."

"Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny.

*************************


Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?



Ask your folks.

**********************

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her face.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around,
being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old; this hat is brand new!"

***************************


THERE WAS this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his PENIS which he readily decided to do something about.

He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady.

"There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady said, "what do you mean?"

The first old lady said, "Look at that. . . When I was 20 I was curious about it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50 I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about it, and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild--and I'm too old to squat!"
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:

"Let me see if I've got this right. . .

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify
their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone,newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a
piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile

AND. . .

on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and then you tell me . . .

I CAN'T PRAY ????"


******************

MEDICINAL M&M'S

At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.

The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you want to be left alone.

If you feel a headache coming on eat the PURPLE one.

The BLUE one reduces bloating.

You can eat the BROWN ones ANYTIME!!

If all symptoms occur at the same time,

Eat the WHOLE DAMN BAG!

************************

A very tired husband came home from the office after a long grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand. She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch where she proceeded to help make him "more comfortable."

"How should we do it tonight, honey?" she cooed in his ear, "Shall we do 69?"

"I don't think so dear. I'm pretty tired. How about 68?" he said.

"Huh, 68? What's 68?" she asked, a little puzzled.

"You do me, and I'll owe you one."
WHITE HOUSE BREAKFAST

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...

"It's pronounced 'quiche'."

*************************

Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change:

10. While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.

9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.

8. On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the center lane of a highway, you suddenly run out of gas.

7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six pallbearers.

6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, "I'm sorry, I dont do autopsies."

5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with "Dear Weenie...".

6. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following diaglogue box: "ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike? (Y/N)".

4. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to "chew the fat".

3. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.

2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which looks very similiar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.

1. Your twelve-year-old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.

***********************


How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?

The kid stutters.

********************

This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it, so when they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him "So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?"

The man responds by raising his hand and outstretching his fingers.

"What? Five times?" asks the eager girl.

"No", he replied. "Pick a finger".
You Might Be A Mom If . . .

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor, and you don't care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicles become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10. Your kids make jokes about bodily functions, and you think it's funny.

11. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls...and HE hangs up on YOU!

12. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

13. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

14. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making Rice Krispie treats.

15. You're up each night until 10:00 P.M. vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving,
flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting,
clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding,pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog.

You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink, or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

***********************

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.

" The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

*************************

REJECTED TITLES FOR "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN"
-------

1. HIGH NOONER

2. JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON

3. TRUE, HE GRITS

4. THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE

5. THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE

6. HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG

7. THE WILD BRUNCH

8. HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON

9. THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER

10. DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID

11. VERY RAW HIDE

12. LONESOME DOUG

13. THE HOARSE SOLDIERS

14. DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN

15. MCCABE AND MR. MILLER

16. A FISTFUL OF NED

17. HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!

18. QUICKLY DOWN UNDER

19. BAREBACK MOUNTING

20. BONE-NANZA

21. DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS

22. HOME ON THE RANGER

23. OKLAHOMO

24. LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE

25. PRANCES WITH WOLVES
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF

1. If you buy incence candles at WalMart.
2. If you can play the banjo.
3. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
4. If you think a volvo is a part of female anatomy
5. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
6. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
7. People hear your car long before they see it.
8. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
9. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
10. Your secret family recipe is illegal.
11. If When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
12. If your altar is a washing machine.
13. If tobacco is considered a "sacred herb."
14. If the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal.
15. You've ever re-used a paper plate.
16. You've ever used scissors on food.
17. You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
18. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
19. You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
20. If you can play "burning times" on the banjo.
21. If you pray for your beer to last longer.
22. If it takes your whole entire large family to show 25 teeth.
23. If a family tradition is to go to a gay club.
24. If you ever meditated to "dueling banjos."
25. If your god statue looks a little bit too much like Elvis and your goddess says Miss September at the bottom.
26. If you put your kid in the dishwasher.
27. If your kids ride in the back and your dog in front.
28. If your broom has 4 wheel drive.
29. If your favorite company is "budweiser."
30. If your code name is "bubba."
31. On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
32. Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
33. You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
34. You think deer hunting should be an Olympic sport.
35. Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
36. Your son has ever stolen dissected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.
37. You've ever shoplifted Spam.
38. You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
39. You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazard" episodes.
40. You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
41. You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
42. You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar
43. Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional"
44. The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
45. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
46. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
47. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
48. You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
49. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
50. You use a '55 Chevy as a guest house.
51. You bring your dog to work with you.
52. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
53. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
54. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
55. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
56. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
57. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
58. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
59. Your screen door has no screen.
60. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
61. You consider pork 'n beans to be a gourmet food.
62. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
63. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Last edited {1}
Originally posted by HonestBrother:
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF

6. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
7. People hear your car long before they see it.
8. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

14. If the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal.
15. You've ever re-used a paper plate.
16. You've ever used scissors on food.

19. You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

22. If it takes your whole entire large family to show 25 teeth.
23. If a family tradition is to go to a gay club.

26. If you put your kid in the dishwasher.
27. If your kids ride in the back and your dog in front.
28. If your broom has 4 wheel drive.
29. If your favorite company is "budweiser."
30. If your code name is "bubba."
31. On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
32. Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
33. You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
34. You think deer hunting should be an Olympic sport.
35. Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
36. Your son has ever stolen dissected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.
37. You've ever shoplifted Spam.
38. You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
39. You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazard" episodes.
40. You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
41. You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
42. You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar
43. Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional"
44. The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.

46. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
47. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
48. You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

50. You use a '55 Chevy as a guest house.
51. You bring your dog to work with you.

53. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
54. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
55. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
56. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

59. Your screen door has no screen.
60. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
61. You consider pork 'n beans to be a gourmet food.
62. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
63. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
----------

20 lol
Picking a New Primary Care Physician

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. . .

so we're just waiting.
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
Picking a New Primary Care Physician

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"



ROFLMAO 20
What I Owe My Mother

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19.My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25.My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.

"Do you understand?" his mother asked.

"Yes," replied Little Johnny.

"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.

"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.

"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.

"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will screw ANYTHING!"
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right.

Upon entering the house, the man discovers his
friend in the living room having sex with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died
yesterday!!"

His friend looks up and says, "In all this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their adult son overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills for himself.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked! Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said stubborn Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. It will cover you for one pill, get and mail it soon."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He phoned Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa.

"The hundred is from your Grandma!"
More Adventures of Little Johnny

Little Johnny went to Sunday school and that day the teacher decided to talk about the Rapture. When she explained what that meant.... that all the believers would meet Jesus in the sky... Little Johnny raised his hand excitedly and could barely wait his turn to speak.

When the teacher finally called on him, he asked which part of the body would rise to heaven first.

The teacher said, "I really don't know. The Bible doesn't say."

Then Little Johnny said, "I know... I know.... It's the feet."

"The feet?" she said in surprise.

"The other day I went to my parents' room and Mommy was in the bed with her feet in the air, Daddy was on top of her trying to hold her down, and Mommy kept saying, "Oh, God! I'm cumming... Oh, God! I'm cumming.""
LESSONS ABOUT PATIENCE

Two bulls, father and son, where standing at the top of a hill looking at twenty cows grazing below. Son says with youthful exuberance, "Hey dad! Let's run down there and fuck one of them cows!!

Dad replies, "No son. I have a better idea... Let's walk down and fuck them all"
Did you hear about the call girl that had to get her appendix out?

The doctor sewed up the wrong hole and now she's making money on the side.

********************


What does a woman & KFC have in common?



Once you get past the breasts & thighs all you have left is a greasy hole to put your bone in. Wink

********************

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?


A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?


A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a 'gynecologist appointment' tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over, taps his wife again, and asks, "Do you have a 'dentist appointment' tomorrow, too?"
A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out, I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I will be back in a few minutes."

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm, "No way, I hate needles and I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not... it makes me sick for a couple of days. I am not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water.

"Here, take this pill."

"What is it?" asks the cowboy.

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth."
The man and his wife went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called her into his office and told her that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your husband has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The wife paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about it just last week from my sheep's vet."
A couple was sitting up waiting for their 13 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.

"Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My butt's too sore.

**********************************


A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts.

The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down.

The woman chose the bra.

The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra.

She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar.

Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started flapping his legs.

"I see we have the same doctor," he said.
HER HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN...

You let one rip in your sleep
and don't care if he hears.

Talking dirty in bed means
shouting obscenities when he
hogs the blanket.

Chivalry's as dead as the
door he lets slam in your face.

PMS lasts all month.

Your jumbo box of absorbent
maxi-pads is on open display.

"Honey, what are you thinking?"
is now, "Are you finished yet?!"

He yawns when you bitch about that
guy hitting on you at work.

Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties
have become way too uncomfortable.

Two weeks no orgasm.

Three weeks no orgasm ... and you
still don't miss it.

When he lends you five bucks, he
expects it back.

You'd rather spend quality time
with your vibrator.
TALK ABOUT A CASE OF PENIS ENVY!

Two kids are playing doctor, one girl and one boy. Upset and very pissed off, the girl runs to her mother and says, "NOW I KNOW WHY BOYS RUN FASTER THAN GIRLS!"

Mom says, "do tell."

Little girl responds, "CAUSE THEY GOT A STICK SHIFT AND BALL BEARINGS!"
Exercise is good for you...
-----------------------------------
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.

2) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

3) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures what I'm doing.

5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
SOUTHERN HUMOR?

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "'Bout what?"

*************************

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"

"Jes' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"

"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you BOTH of 'em!"

"OK. Ummmmm......FIVE?"

****************************

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

*********************

Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?

Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
I will seek and find you. . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
*The Flu*
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of
it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before.

However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point,
they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
Things overheard at the STD clinic

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
Things overheard at the STD clinic

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."


Uuuugghhh.... Eek ....
The ABC's of ex wives

A is for Alimony ... the gift that keeps on giving.

B is for Balls ... which are now ours again.

C is for Court ... where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.

D is for Divorce ... the alternative to ax murder.

E is for Equitable Distribution ... another oxymoron.

F is for Flatulence ... finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.

G is for Gandhi ... someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.

H is for House ... which the bitch also got.

I is for Inmate ... where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.

J is for Jewelry ... the former great equalizer.

K is for Kids ... the best of everything.

L is for Lawyer ... whose most recent vacation you just paid for.

M is for Mother ... and Oh what a Mother F**ker!

N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.

O is for Overdrawn ... what your checking account always was.

P is for PMS ... what we say: "No, honey, you don't look like you're retaining water." . . . what we mean, "No wonder there's a citywide drought."

Q is for Quarter ... what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.

R is for Rehearsal Dinner ... should never have stayed for dessert.

S is for Sex ... thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.

T is for Throat ... the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.

U is for UPS ... the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.

V is for Visa ... one of several cards she maxed out.

W is for Wrong ... which you always were.

X is for X chromosome ... I swear some women have more than two!

Y is for Yacht ... maybe the next guy will have one.

Z is for Zirconium ... I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.
JOE'S HEADACHES

Joe goes to the doctor telling him he has had these headaches for a long time and wants to know if there is anything he can do for him.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit. That will make me feel a little better."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit... it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit -- $400
New shirt -- $36
New underwear -- $6
Second Opinion -- PRICELESS
Originally posted by HonestBrother:
Originally posted by Fabulous:

Things overheard at the STD clinic

{snip} "My pee smells like ham."

-------------------

Uuuugghhh.... Eek ....

------------------

Fab <<<~~~~throwing her head back and laughing out loud.

Hey, Honestbrother, you changed your avatar--I like it. Smile A very cheery vibe you got goin' on there.

dance
Subject: FW: The Koala and the Little Lizard


A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and
says, "Hey Koal a ! What are you doing?"

The koala says: Smoking a joint, come up and have
some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the
koala and they smoke a few joints. After a while the
little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' he's going to
get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is
so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into
the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little
lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little
lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the
tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks
into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala
is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says
"Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:
< BR>"Shiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"
Three cowboys, one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins... The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The guy from Arkansas can't stand to be bested. "Why I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!" The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
A man and his wife have separate bedrooms because of his loud snoring. One night when he was feeling amorous, he called out to his wife. "Oh my little boopey-boo, I miss you."

So his wife got up went to his room, but as she was walking in she tripped on the carpet and fell flat on her face.

"Oh," he said sweetly, "did my little honey-woney hurt her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up, enters her husband's bed and they make passionate love.

Afterward, as she is going back to her room she once again trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man raises his head from the pillow, looks at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive

" The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

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