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Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth.
The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"
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God and the man
A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."
So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"
God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."
The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?"
God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."
The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me five cents please?"
God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.
Just wait five minutes!"
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Bad Luck
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
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John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few more moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike."
"The Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know their having sex?"
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"
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What do you call a 350 pound stripper?
Broke.
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A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.
