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Hello everyone. I've been seeing this guy for a couple of months now and from day one, I felt like he was a major player. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or if it's my intuition. How do you tell the difference?

Some of the things that he does that makes me think he's a dog:

Our first date was out to dinner and he had about 5 phone calls that he accepted. He told me that they were all friends and that he had lots of girlfriends. He now turns his cell phone off when around me because I was not gonna deal with it.

When we were watching the game together, I picked up his phone to use it and he had 9 messages. I told him he had 9 messages and that he should check them. he said, "no, I'll check them later. It can't be that important." Then he proceeded to check only one message.....

He has to look hard at everyone that walks by. Sometimes, I can't tell if he's checking females out or just curiously looking at people. He says he loves to "people watch".


He's always got something going on every weekend. He's either going out of town or having someone come visit him from out of town.

So, I can't connect with him emotionally with all these behaviors spinning around in my head.

Last night we went to dinner then, we came back to my place and watched a little TV. he tried to hold my hand and be affectionate with me. I was so turned off. Even though it's been a couple of months, I still don't know what to think of him.

Am I being paranoid?
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quote:
Originally posted by keylargo:

I've been seeing this guy for a couple of months now and from day one, I felt like he was a major player. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or if it's my intuition. How do you tell the difference?



Is he a dog? If you have to ask the question, it's a good bet that he is.


There is no passion to be found playing small, in settling for a life
that is less than the one you are capable of living. - Mandela


[This message was edited by MBM on September 20, 2003 at 08:40 AM.]
quote:
Originally posted by keylargo:

yes but i've also dated a couple of guys that i didn't think for a moment that they were dogs. i had to find out the hard way.


That's precisely why I say that if you suspect it, it's probably true. "Players" try to keep so much of their "stuff" underground that when it does surface, like an iceberg, it's probably just the tip! brosmile

Now, good brothers can make mistakes and can do stupid things - and still not be "players". You just have to determine how much you want to invest in him to see which he is.


There is no passion to be found playing small, in settling for a life
that is less than the one you are capable of living. - Mandela
Well, as long as he continues to buy dinner without getting anything but good conversation in return, I'll keep him around.

I told him on our second date that I refused to be physically intimate with someone unless we were in a committed relationship. I don't think he believes me. So, it will be interesting to see how long he's willing to hang around.
Hey KeyLargo! Is he a "dog". You know the answer to that question girl. Smile I think that you should see other people as friends or associates don't get caught up into this person. Definitely don't sleep with him at all. I know that you know that 2/3 of all new AIDS cases are black women. I encourage all women to date as if they were men. You'll have SO much fun!
With love,
Sista Yssys
keylargo ....

Although it's highly possible that dude does indeed bark ... there is another criteria by which you should measure which might give you a little insight into his true character.

It's not only the quantity of quality time that this man gives you, it's the quality of the quality time that you receive from him that is also important.

Just based on the limited information you've given, I would make the following limited assessment of him:

#1 - the fact that he no longer takes calls when he's with you is an indicator of some kind of respect. You need to determine if he gives that to you because he's just trying to impress you to get the panties, or is he really concerned about your perception of him.

#2 - the fact that he told you upfront that he has many girl friends is a declaration of honesty on his part. How he interacts with these girl friends might tell you the exact nature of the "friend" part of these girls!! However, if he doesn't talk to them while you're around, you can't really find out much about that interaction! But how he talks to them and what he says is a good indicator.

#3 - during his times of something going on on the weekend - are these times off limits to you? Or are you still able to communicate with him? Are your calls one of those that goes into a message and doesn't get returned? Or do you feel there is effort to keep in close contact most of the time?

#4 - Lastly, if you get "turned off" by his actions toward you, there is something there that might not just be his being a dog, but maybe there is incompatibility on another level between you two. Sometimes the chemistry is just not mixable - like oil and water, they separate from each other.

I can tell you, perceptions aren't always what they seem to be. I, personally, have missed out on a lot potential relationships because of the fact that I am a really, really busy person!! And I tell guys that right up front ... of course, the majority say it's okay, they can handle it. But what happens in a lot of cases is, at times when I really don't have a lot of time to devote to the development of the relationship, they decide in their minds that I'm spending my time doing something other than the family and business stuff that does actually take up most of my time! I can't help what they think, but they perceive me to be out running the streets and having fun, when I am, in fact, just trying to juggle what are more responsibilities than the average single person has! Smile

So, rather than looking at those things that might definitely declare him as a dog, look at those things that don't and see if he really is what he's trying to make you believe he is. If you are able to cancel any of those things out ... then yes, girlfriend ... dude is probably very much a DOG!! Big Grin

BLACK by NATURE, PROUD by CHOICE.
Free your mind, and the rest will follow.
Thanks everyone. I just have a hard time trusting in my perception sometimes because I've been wrong many times.

As far as this guy is concerned, Ebony, you bring up several good questions but I can't answer them all. when he's "busy" on the weekends, I don't call him. Actually, I really don't call him much at all unless I'm returning his call. He doesn't call me when he's out of town. He usually calls when he returns like on Sunday evening or Monday.

I haven't had the opportunity to observe him with others. I haven't met any of his friends which is fine becuause he hasn't met my friends either.

when he said he had many girlfriends, I thought that it was a perfect excuse to have girls calling him all the time.

he also told me that he liked to go out to happy hour with people from work alot. He didn't believe in mixing his personal life with work. That's understandable but it seems to me like another excuse to be out without his girlfriend if he had one.


oh and yes, there is physical chemistry there trust me. I just want something a lot deeper then that. I guess that will take time.


Now that I think about it, he could probably call me a dog too. I have this other gentleman friend that I'm seeing. We're not in a relationship but we do spend a lot of time together. I don't keep a cell phone so it's not like a guy can track me down Wink

I guess I would say that I like both guys but, I want to be with the one who adores me the most. I haven't found that in either one. I'd actually like to meet some other guys to throw into the mix.
Key, a couple of quick questions. Have you been to his house for any length of time? What telephone numbers do you have for him, his house number, his cell phone, or both? Have you meet any of his friends, male and/or female?

The reason I ask is because based on your description of his conduct (and my experience with checking backgrounds), depending on your answers to the above questions, I'd wager that the guy is either married or living with someone.

But I have to agree with what MBM wrote, if you have to ask the question, you generally already know the answer.

And even if the guy isn't a dog, there clearly is something about him (more than what you wrote) that you are uncomfortable with. TRUST YOURSELF.
i think it is rude to leave your cellphone on during a date, unless you are the VERY VERY essential personnal at your job...but even then 5 CALLS!!! I think he is a player and maybe needs to be checked, I'd give it a little time, but if he is caught in a few 'lies', like where he was last night or last weekend, then he's prolly playing you. IMHO

***********************************************************
'Sometimes life is obscene' - Black Crowes


Commerical Hall of Fame - All time list


'Who in the hell left the gate open???' Confused

'Somebody put roots on me' Frown

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quote:
Originally posted by Kweli4Real:
Key, a couple of quick questions. Have you been to his house for any length of time? What telephone numbers do you have for him, his house number, his cell phone, or both? Have you meet any of his friends, male and/or female?



I went over to his place once to watch a game. That's when I used his phone and saw the 9 messages. His place definately looked like a a typical guy's place. There was nothing that indicated a live-in girlfriend. He could possibly have a long distance thing going on since he's always gone for the weekends.

I have his home phone number and a cell phone number. The greeting on his cell phone indicates that it is primarily for work. Now, some folks do use their cell phone for both work and for personal use.

I have not met any of his friends.
Honor yourself by honoring the voice (spirit) inside of you. If self is telling you to run, girl put on those track shoes and go. People come into your life for a reason and a season. Learn the lesson, bend, and go (grow). You will feel a lot better about yourself when you learn to honor self. Use your spirit as a measuring stick, if anyone does not measure up, it indicates that you have to move on.

Peace

Peace

WHEN THE HELL FORCES IS KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR AND THE DEVIL IS OUT TO DESTROY, GOD COMMANDS YOU TO ORDER PEACE INTO YOU LIFE. MMMMM...IS THAT NOT WONDERFUL. LIVE, LOVE, AND GET ON YOUR KNEES \O/ KDO
umm,

*timidly raising hand*

how come nobody has addressed Keylargo's own fears of committment? What behavior has she displayed which would make her particularly unique? different from all the others who call him? Perhaps when she voices some indication that she'd like the relationship to be different, he may change his behavior?

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