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CNN had an expose on infidelity yesterday. It discussed why people cheat and how more women than ever are doing it. At the end it asked whether one should tell their partner of their cheating or not. What do you think? Should you tell your partner if you've cheated on him/her? Why?


There is no passion to be found playing small, in settling for a life
that is less than the one you are capable of living. - Mandela

© MBM

Original Post
No, don't tell UNLESS in your infidelity you contracted an incurable STD and have possibly infected your SO or mate. In this case they will find out anyway. Otherwise, count your blessings, and keep your mouth closed.

Why?
You don't tell because not everyone is willing to forgive or forget infidelity particularly in marriage. And I don't think you get that close where it's okay to tell everything to your partner. It might be best to keep your improprieties to yourself. If you can't work them out then perhaps you should consider leaving the relationship rather than putting your partner at risk.
I say tell the truth and shame the devil. If you don't let your partner know the business, it will eventually come out. Like they say anything done in the dark will come out in the light.

Furthermore, people that cheat are just selfish individuals that are trying to have their cake and eat it too.

There is no excuse for cheating and if folks like that feel like they need to sleep around with someone else, they don't need to be married or in a relationship...PERIOD.

STD's & AIDS aren't something to be played with. Condoms don't protect you from everything out there. It's just too scary to even think about.

If folks feel the need to cheat, ask your partner or spouse to play dress up. Roll playing sounds pretty good in the AIDS era. Slap a wig on and talk with an accent, yeah that outta help. LOL

Then add to the fact that the person that you've cheated with maybe a crazo. If they come calling your house at 3 am talking about a booty call, then what? What if they come to your crib and hang out in the bushes? What if they get upset b/c you don't want to see them again and stalk your significant other?? How do you explain that? So, cheater may as well fess up and take the responsiblity for slipping.

Cheaters never prosper. fro

______________________________
~You're UNIQUE, just like EVERYONE else~

NO!!! it could only hurt them. If they find out, you're screwed. No need to taddle on yourself. Let sleeping dogs lie

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'Who in the hell left the gate open???' Confused

'Somebody put roots on me' Frown

'I've fallen, and I can't give up!!!' broscream
Oh hell no!! And anyway, isn't that the whole concept and meaning of the word "cheat"? If you tell, then you move into a whole 'nother realm of something entirely else!!! It's not cheating anymore .... it's asking for that beat down that's probably going to follow your confession! Eek broscream

Personally if feel if you need to cheat, you might as well just leave the relationship altogether. It's toast if the other person finds out anyway!!

And y'all haven't heard that song "It's a Thin Line Between Love and Hate?" Big Grin

BLACK by NATURE, PROUD by CHOICE.
Free your mind, and the rest will follow.
That's a good one, MBM ....

But, I would have to say no, I don't think so.

I think there is a line you cross when you go from having an impulse to actually acting on it. I don't believe wanting to do something is the same as doing it... or that you get the same reaction from a mental thought as you do from a physical action.

A "strictly" internet relationship means, at most, you can only talk about it, not do it! brotongue

BLACK by NATURE, PROUD by CHOICE.
Free your mind, and the rest will follow.
quote:
Originally posted by isistah:
quote:
Originally posted by MBM:
Are strictly internet relationships/flirting "cheating"?




I think they are cheating. An internet relationship can involve long introspective conversations, confidences, and confessions that should stay within the bounds of the real relationship. If my guy has more to discuss with his cyberpal than with me, if he looks forward to interacting with her more than with me, do we really have the relationship I thought we had? If I sit at my computer and find pictures of another woman he is corresponding with, I'm out.
I say don't tell. I say evaluate the relationship and discover why you are a stinking dog? Lastly, and most importantly, know that you are a stinking dog? Flies like shit!! And infidelity is pure feces. If it don't feel good, than it is not good -- bottom line.

And for all my sisters out there if you even feel that your man, husband, and/or significant other is stepping out on you, immediately search thyself, honor thyself, and do thyself. You owe it to yourself to end the relationship. Don't wait until he done sapped all your juices to realize that you should have, could have, and would have left him. Honor your head, God gave you that sense and listen to the little voice. It speaks loudly and truthfully.

Peace,
Attuned to self. soapbox

WHEN THE HELL FORCES IS KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR AND THE DEVIL IS OUT TO DESTROY, GOD COMMANDS YOU TO ORDER PEACE INTO YOU LIFE. MMMMM...IS THAT NOT WONDERFUL. LIVE, LOVE, AND GET ON YOUR KNEES \O/ KDO
If ever I cheated, I would tell. Yes, honesty could cost you, but whatever burden you have to carry as a result of being honest is the consequence of only looking out for yourself. You earned it. People may argue against upsetting your spouse/significant other unnecessarily, but you also have to consider that the other person has a right to know who you really are and what kind of relationship you two are in, and it is the worst kind of lie to mislead them into thinking everything is ok when it isn't. So if I cheat and there's hell to pay, that's the price I accepted when I cheated, so if I don't want to give him the opportunity to make me pay it then that means I am less interested in my husband's dignity than I am in my own.
Good on you djonmaila. I don't know whether I could be as brave as you though. The truth is I can not cheat because the consequencies are just too great, I would be scared out of my mind if I got caught. Here in London your wife would promptly kick you out of the house for starters and you would be sleeping rough in the street. No woman or infedility is worth that. Then there is the shame of facing the children, no no no. Not worth it, not in a million years.

So should you tell. I would want to but I can't and I would have to live with that shame forever. Maybe when we are both old then I would tell.

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quote:
Originally posted by jazzdog:
Tell them only if you want to have azz beat down by one irate woman. The whole thing about the truth will set you free, well the truth will also get you hurt.....real bad thumbsup


eh, 'dog: speakin' from experience? winkgrin
stay strong, player.

"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up."
~ Booker T Washington
quote:
Originally posted by MBM:
CNN had an expose on infidelity yesterday. It discussed why people cheat and how more women than ever are doing it. At the end it asked whether one should tell their partner of their cheating or not. What do you think? Should you tell your partner if you've cheated on him/her? Why?



I'm torn on my answer here. First of all I don't believe in cheating. Married for 9 yrs, never strayed on my ex-husband, nor he on me. I feel like if you are looking for something that your mate is not giving you--you either work on getting it from your mate, or you get out of the relationship. You don't cheat.

If you do "slip-up"...then part of me says--yes you confess, you figure out why it happened with your mate, and you work on fixing what ever it was that put you out there in the cheating position. all of that is if you want the relationship.

if you don't want the relationship, but aren't ready to actually get out of it--then no, don't tell, don't cause any undo drama, but get out of the relationship...


bottom line--just DON'T CHEAT!!!

the value and worth you place on yourself will determine the people you will attract.
Infidelity represents the death of trust. While it may be possible to rebuild love after infidelity, I'm not sure you can rebuild the trust on which that love is built.

Sure, the easy answer would be to say no, don't confess to an indiscretion she never found out about. But I think eventually I'd have to say something. If my feelings were truly real for the woman, at a deeper level my knowledge of what I'd done would diminish, or make a mockery of what our relationship was about to me. Would a confession absolve that? Who knows? (and at that point it could fairly be asked if the confession was for me or for her?) But I'd definitely know that I'd taken something, some purity, from what we had. No momentary thrill would be worth that price, I'd think.
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
Infidelity represents the death of trust. While it may be possible to rebuild love after infidelity, I'm not sure you can rebuild the trust on which that love is built.

Sure, the easy answer would be to say no, don't confess to an indiscretion she never found out about. But I think eventually I'd have to say something. If my feelings were truly real for the woman, at a deeper level my knowledge of what I'd done would diminish, or make a mockery of what our relationship was about to me. Would a confession absolve that? Who knows? (and at that point it could fairly be asked if the confession was for me or for her?) But I'd definitely know that I'd taken something, some purity, from what we had. No momentary thrill would be worth that price, I'd think.


Yes, but what happens if you are not forgiven?
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
Infidelity represents the death of trust. While it may be possible to rebuild love after infidelity, I'm not sure you can rebuild the trust on which that love is built.

Sure, the easy answer would be to say no, don't confess to an indiscretion she never found out about. But I think eventually I'd have to say something. If my feelings were truly real for the woman, at a deeper level my knowledge of what I'd done would diminish, or make a mockery of what our relationship was about to me. Would a confession absolve that? Who knows? (and at that point it could fairly be asked if the confession was for me or for her?) But I'd definitely know that I'd taken something, some purity, from what we had. No momentary thrill would be worth that price, I'd think.


Yes, but what happens if you are not forgiven?


Then you move on, learn from it and in the next relationship hopefully act with more honor and valor.

There is simply no excuse for infidelity: If one is unhappy in their relationship you have two choices: Fix it or end it...there is no gray area, no "what if's" or "yeah buts"...cheating is trying to have everything without sacrificing.

Never trust anyone who comes at you with a laundry lists of reasons to justify infidelity..that person (man or woman) is nothing but scum and the humane thing to do would be to drive a wooden stake thru thier forehead...cause their vampires! LOL
quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:

Then you move on, learn from it and in the next relationship hopefully act with more honor and valor.

There is simply no excuse for infidelity: If one is unhappy in their relationship you have two choices: Fix it or end it...there is no gray area, no "what if's" or "yeah buts"...cheating is trying to have everything without sacrificing.

Never trust anyone who comes at you with a laundry lists of reasons to justify infidelity..that person (man or woman) is nothing but scum and the humane thing to do would be to drive a wooden stake thru thier forehead...cause their vampires! LOL



This is why i have issues with infidelity, because you may be destroying something that you may never find again.

But thats why this question is so important.

........Although no one is perfect, and things happen, why would you tell, if there is a strong possibility, you'll lose all you have worked so hard for?
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
Infidelity represents the death of trust. While it may be possible to rebuild love after infidelity, I'm not sure you can rebuild the trust on which that love is built.

Sure, the easy answer would be to say no, don't confess to an indiscretion she never found out about. But I think eventually I'd have to say something. If my feelings were truly real for the woman, at a deeper level my knowledge of what I'd done would diminish, or make a mockery of what our relationship was about to me. Would a confession absolve that? Who knows? (and at that point it could fairly be asked if the confession was for me or for her?) But I'd definitely know that I'd taken something, some purity, from what we had. No momentary thrill would be worth that price, I'd think.


Yes, but what happens if you are not forgiven?


then I guess that's just the price you'd pay for the foolishness you displayed. hopefully, they'd be better the next time.

qty226, that is a niiiiiiiice pic. I mean really, like-what-part-of-the-country-do-you-live-in-nice picture Smile
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:

Then you move on, learn from it and in the next relationship hopefully act with more honor and valor.

There is simply no excuse for infidelity: If one is unhappy in their relationship you have two choices: Fix it or end it...there is no gray area, no "what if's" or "yeah buts"...cheating is trying to have everything without sacrificing.

Never trust anyone who comes at you with a laundry lists of reasons to justify infidelity..that person (man or woman) is nothing but scum and the humane thing to do would be to drive a wooden stake thru thier forehead...cause their vampires! LOL



This is why i have issues with infidelity, because you may be destroying something that you may never find again.

But thats why this question is so important.

........Although no one is perfect, and things happen, why would you tell, if there is a strong possibility, you'll lose all you have worked so hard for?


Well from my personal perspective, I'm a big believer in honor. Doesnt mean one should be mr/mrs. holy than thou..but there is just a basic courtesy that should carried out in life. If you tell someone that your "heart", "emotions" et all is only for that person, you've established a bond that is almost sacred (if not actually sacred). And infidelity is never a mistake. That is a deliberate act that has to be thought thru (even if you're drunk). Plus, no matter what, if you cheat, it's going to be found out. Someone knows..they always know...ESPECIALLY in this day and age. Might as well come out with it and let the chips fall where they may because it can't be hidden....BLACK PEOPLE REALLY cant keep this a secret..LOL..everyone from Shaquanna to DeKimbo is acheing to drop dime...a little tryst becomes everyone else's free entertainment.
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:

Yes, but what happens if you are not forgiven?


then I guess that's just the price you'd pay for the foolishness you displayed. hopefully, they'd be better the next time.

qty226, that is a niiiiiiiice pic. I mean really, like-what-part-of-the-country-do-you-live-in-nice picture Smile



So you and Gambit........would just tell, and lose everything? Wife/kids, home, etc....?

Why not just go to counseling or something?



Truthseeker, thanks for the compliment Wink ...........I live in hell. lol (Tampa, Florida) Confused
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:

Yes, but what happens if you are not forgiven?


then I guess that's just the price you'd pay for the foolishness you displayed. hopefully, they'd be better the next time.

qty226, that is a niiiiiiiice pic. I mean really, like-what-part-of-the-country-do-you-live-in-nice picture Smile



So you and Gambit........would just tell, and lose everything? Wife/kids, home, etc....?

Why not just go to counseling or something?



Truthseeker, thanks for the compliment Wink ...........I live in hell. lol (Tampa, Florida) Confused


LOL this is exactly what happened to me but in reverse..but she wanted to hide it..I found out in under 24 hours...lol...counseling does'nt work because it does'nt resolve the root problem..the other person slept with someone else...that can never be truly repaired...

Remember, it might forgiven but it will never be forgotten.
quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:

LOL this is exactly what happened to me but in reverse..but she wanted to hide it..I found out in under 24 hours...lol...counseling does'nt work because it does'nt resolve the root problem..the other person slept with someone else...that can never be truly repaired...

Remember, it might forgiven but it will never be forgotten.



Yeah but she didnt tell you, someone snitched LOL

In any case, what if you never found this out, and she 'cleared her table', and moved on with life. You would've probably still have been married, raising your daughter, moving forward in the relationship.

See for me, i already know.......if he tells me, thats it. Im gone......there would be nothing to discuss, except who gets to keep what.

Why put your partner through that...?
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:

LOL this is exactly what happened to me but in reverse..but she wanted to hide it..I found out in under 24 hours...lol...counseling does'nt work because it does'nt resolve the root problem..the other person slept with someone else...that can never be truly repaired...

Remember, it might forgiven but it will never be forgotten.



Yeah but she didnt tell you, someone snitched LOL

In any case, what if you never found this out, and she 'cleared her table', and moved on with life. You would've probably still have been married, raising your daughter, moving forward in the relationship.

See for me, i already know.......if he tells me, thats it. Im gone......there would be nothing to discuss, except who gets to keep what.

Why put your partner through that...?


You cant hide infidelity. It might take 50 years...but it will be exposed..remember..someone else always knows..and human beings love drama; they are salivating to tell. I'm like you..cheat on me and prepare to to walk a differnt path than me because its over and I would fully expect her to be the same way.

Like I stated earlier..cheaters have thought the process out...they acted upon..and if they bring out justifications for it...you don't need to be with individual..they're spineless. Save some face, suffer whatever consequences arise and tell and get it over with and hopefully..(hopefully)..that person will learn and evolve..slim chance of it happening but it's possible.
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:

Yes, but what happens if you are not forgiven?


then I guess that's just the price you'd pay for the foolishness you displayed. hopefully, they'd be better the next time.

qty226, that is a niiiiiiiice pic. I mean really, like-what-part-of-the-country-do-you-live-in-nice picture Smile



So you and Gambit........would just tell, and lose everything? Wife/kids, home, etc....?

Why not just go to counseling or something?



Truthseeker, thanks for the compliment Wink ...........I live in hell. lol (Tampa, Florida) Confused


I'll be honest; it's "easy" to answer these scenarios in the abstract. None of us (hopefully) are living this. So, it's easier to say yes, come clean, even with everything on the line.

But wasn't everything on the line, when the person cheated? I'd hope after the confession she'd want to do counseling, but that's probably going to have to be the offended party's call --after they cooled off, I guess.

My decision to come clean probably has as much to do with my conscience as much as anything else. All I'd know is that for my heart to have any chance at "getting my good thang" back like it was, I gotta do something to restore, or at least approximate, the purity that was once there.
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
I know that i would never cheat, because i know it would cause much pain/hurt, and i wouldnt be able to live with myself, knowing i hurt someone that i love.

But, after seeing people dealing with this, im expecting it to happen to me.

Sad huh?


It is sad. Frown But you know something..this might sound strange..but you expecting to be cheated on actually gives you a leg up on things. It means your going into something eyes wide open and can be better prepared for it than say these half wits out here (men and women) who think that ONLY their relationship is going to be like a Harlequin romance novel.
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
I know that i would never cheat, because i know it would cause much pain/hurt, and i wouldnt be able to live with myself, knowing i hurt someone that i love.

But, after seeing people dealing with this, im expecting it to happen to me.

Sad huh?


I'm looking at this picture,(and thinking like dudes think)I'm saying to myself, "Self, if you holdin' at the crib like THAT, what better do you expect to find out in the street?" Cool

If I was you, I would not worry. Your game appears solid. Smile
quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:
It is sad. Frown But you know something..this might sound strange..but you expecting to be cheated on actually gives you a leg up on things. It means your going into something eyes wide open and can be better prepared for it than say these half wits out here (men and women) who think that ONLY their relationship is going to be like a Harlequin romance novel.


This is true........or it could backfire, and cause me to run, because its not something i want to deal with. Frown
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:

I'm looking at this picture,(and thinking like dudes think)I'm saying to myself, "Self, if you holdin' at the crib like THAT, what better do you expect to find out in the street?" Cool

If I was you, I would not worry. Your game appears solid. Smile


Aaaawwww......you get a big kiss for this.

kiss kiss
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:
quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:
It is sad. Frown But you know something..this might sound strange..but you expecting to be cheated on actually gives you a leg up on things. It means your going into something eyes wide open and can be better prepared for it than say these half wits out here (men and women) who think that ONLY their relationship is going to be like a Harlequin romance novel.


This is true........or it could backfire, and cause me to run, because its not something i want to deal with. Frown


Aint nothing wrong with running from drama or suspected drama. If more people did this we would'nt have all the garbage we have going on in the world.

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