Double jeopardy: what do you do if your best friend steals your man?

From: Ebony

Your best friend always had your back--and now she has your man!

Together, your man and your best friend have committed a dual deception that has left you disrespected, dazed and dumbfounded.

Granted, today's Black woman isn't naive; friends and lovers who have sought her trust have already earned it. But even the most seasoned Sistergirl can be blindsided by this ultimate act of betrayal.

Some believe that the alleged drought of sane, single, upwardly mobile (and 100 percent heterosexual) Black males has driven some women into coveting mode, and causing the man-stealing best friend to strike more often than you think.

In Atlanta, Kim (last name withheld per request)never thought she would have crossed that line. "I'd just ended what had been a lengthy, terrible relationship, and my girlfriend invited me out to dinner with her and her boyfriend to cheer me up," Kim says. "I never knew that he and I shared the same sense of humor, and the same taste ... We instinctively ordered the same dish ..."

And sooner than later they were sharing the same bed. Kim says that she felt horrible about betraying her friend, and she wanted to end the affair, but she "didn't feel horrible enough to be lonely again."

Oftentimes, according to relationship experts and Sisters who have been there before, bringing your mate around your suddenly single girlfriend could lead to disaster.

Just ask Sibyl (last name withheld, per request) of Chicago. After Sibyl's daughter went off to college, she and her husband settled into a very cozy home-alone relation ship, and were poised to relax and enjoy their empty nest.

But when Sibyl invited her best friend from work for a holiday dinner, everything changed.

"Gradually, my best friend and I stopped hanging out," Sibyl recalls. "And then he was gone 'over to a friend's house' a lot more often. My conversations with my husband had changed, too, but I thought that we were just going through a rut."

Sibyl and her husband, a house painter, had separate phone lines because he worked from the home. Once, while in her husband's home office, Sibyl answered his phone and was startled to hear her best friend's voice on the other line. "She started talking really fast, trying to explain why she was calling my husband, and I knew that she was lying," Sibyl recalls.

The husband and the best friend continued sneaking around behind Sibyl's back and one night when he didn't return home at all, Sibyl gave in to her woman's intuition. "I called her house early the next morning and told her to put him on the phone, and she did," she says. "He told me that he became exhausted from painting her house and that the fumes put him to sleep. I told him that I was packing his [bags] and sending them over there."

Sibyl confronted her husband about the affair and he confessed, although her best friend continued to deny anything was going on. Her husband moved out, and Sibyl still sees her former friend at work, although she is unsure if the friend is still seeing her husband. She does not speak to her former friend.

Sibyl and scores of other women who find themselves in such a painful predicament sometimes find it difficult to trust men and women friends again. And the brokenhearted woman is sure to be haunted by a barrage of questions: How could they do this to me? How often have they hooked-up behind my back? Who else knows about the betrayal? Does he find her more attractive? Is she better in bed? Does he love her?

"The irony of betrayal is that the victim may pursue unhealthy, abusive and promiscuous relationships, partly because of conditioning and acceptance of past mistreat ment, says Detroit husband-and-wife relationship counselors, psychologist Paris M. Finner Williams, Ph.D., and Robert D. Williams, MSW, authors of Single Wisdom: Empowering Singles, Divorcees, Widows & Widowers for Living a Purposeful Life. "Finally, the ultimate tragedy of betrayal is physical violence, permanent physical damage or death."

Psychologist Brenda Wade, Ph.D., of San Francisco, says that the first step to a successful emotional recovery is to realize your personal contribution to the situation and to ask the right questions of your partner and yourself.

"Don't ask, 'Why did they do this to me?' That's the wrong question," says Dr. Wade, author of Power Choices: 7 Milestones on Your Journey to Wholeness, Peace and Love. "Don't ask questions that lead you to feel like you're a victim. You may have been victimized, but you're not a victim. Victims have no power."
She continues. "Instead, ask yourself, 'How did I contribute to this situation? Did I tell my best friend all the details about my sex life and my personal life with my mate so that she became interested in him sexually? Did I leave the two of them alone and encourage them to go out because I was too tired to join them? Did I grow up with betrayal in my family, so now all that I can expect is betrayal?"

After realizing your personal contributions to the situation, the next step, according to relationship therapists, is to engage in constructive confrontation with your unfaithful patner. This discussion take place with a mutual, trusted individual present, and only when you're able to get your point across without insults, accusations and counter-accusations.

Can your relationship be saved?

According to statistics, a whopping 69 percent of African-American marriages end in divorce, with many couples citing adultery as the ultimate deal-breaker. However, some couples do manage to not only survive the scandal but, in fact, re-emerge as a stronger family unit, explains Dr. Brenda Wade.

"He must genuinely take responsibility and acknowledge that he did something that was truly hurtful," Dr. Wade explains. "He must be truly willing to work and make amends for it."

Unfortunately, not every relationship is worth saving, cautions Dr. Paris M. Finner-Williams, who is also a divorce attorney. She says that whether or not your relationship endures depends on the willingness of both parties to fight for it.

"There are conditions that may merit a divorce," she tells Ebony. "We would investigate the possibility of divorce when a partner engages in illicit intercourse and sexual immorality and unfaithfulness; when there is desertion or non-support; when the partner cannot financially and emotionally support the marriage by bringing their resources home; when the couple is unequally yoked and it comes to a point where the irreconcilable differences deteriorate their own personal functioning; and when there's mental, emotional, physical and/or psychological abuse that causes one individual to feel imprisoned and entrapped."

Under no circumstances should you consider rekindling a friendship with the woman who double-crossed you, according to psychologist Brenda Wade. She suggests that you focus on healing your wounds and charting out a new path in your life. "This is a time for deep growth," she says. "Do something new. Read inspiring books; take classes that will help you to grow spiritually. Remind yourself that other women have risen up out of these ashes." Sibyl lost her husband to her best friend more than nine years ago. Today she has reclaimed her life, crediting the wisdom and support of an aunt and her own spirituality. "My aunt Dolly told me that the other woman did me a favor. Just imagine if I had wasted a lifetime on someone who could not be trusted," Sibyl explains. "And now I realize that God is there for [me], even when it looks like He's not. God may reveal things to you that might hurt at the time, but knowing the truth makes you a better person in the end."

EBONY
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Ignore the B.S, forget the dramas, chat your fun and be happy!!!
Original Post
My girlfriend read this article in ebony too and she said she will fight with both of them if this should happen to her. But the question is why fight? If he cheats on you, what makes him worth fighting for? Why do women like to fight with the other woman when they catch their men cheating on them? I never understood that. But it will be an exception if it is a girlfriend of mine he cheated with as she should have known better...but i will still not waste my energy on her either. they both deserve each other and I will leave it alone.
I'm not a fighter either Lavender. I would be angry and hurt, but I wouldn't get violent. Nor would I beg him to come back. I'm an expert at walking away without so much as batting an eyelash.

I can also state with an absolute certainty that I would never date a man my best friend has ever dated.

A few years back, there was this guy that my sister was crazy about at her job. It turned out that was a man that I knew of, but didn't really know that well. I knew enough to know that he wanted to date me back in the day. When he found out that I was her sister, he started sending messages to me through my her. I couldn't go to her job without him all up in my face. I finally had to tell him that I didn't play that. Although he and my sister never dated, I wasn't going to hurt her by dating someone that she was interested in.

Some people are just off limits...period!
Mahogany, my sister went thru this bad habit with a girlfriend of hers. My sister dated the guy and then remain friends after it ended. It was obvious to all that my sister wanted more from the relationship but he was playing games and she choose to move on. They decided to remain friends which was cool with her. Of course she had confided with her friend all the details of the relationship. Then one day last year, her girlfriend was going to a party he was having in Houston where he lived. My sister although she kept it cool with him by remaining friends didn't want to attend the party. But it was a fun weekend and her girlfriend wanted out of New York and decided to go. Well, as you might already have suspected, the girlfriend ended up dating him....and that was the end of her phone calls to my sister. It was pathetic to say the least. My sister was like, even if she wanted to date him, it was not such a bad thing (not that she will ever trip like that with a girlfriend's ex) as she had broken up with him, but to stop calling her told her that everything that she had confided to her, had been narrated back to the guy. It was sad as my sister treasured the friendship with her girl.

The good thing that came out of it was the lesson learnt for all of us....never confide to friends or even family members your relationship matters...it hurt her so badly but she left both of them alone and now the ex-girlfriend is trying to win my sister's friendship back as he kicked her flat asss to the curve, but it is too late. I never really liked that girl but she was my sister's friend and I had to respect that.
quote:
Mahogany, my sister went thru this bad habit with a girlfriend of hers. My sister dated the guy and then remain friends after it ended. It was obvious to all that my sister wanted more from the relationship but he was playing games and she choose to move on. They decided to remain friends which was cool with her. Of course she had confided with her friend all the details of the relationship. Then one day last year, her girlfriend was going to a party he was having in Houston where he lived. My sister although she kept it cool with him by remaining friends didn't want to attend the party. But it was a fun weekend and her girlfriend wanted out of New York and decided to go. Well, as you might already have suspected, the girlfriend ended up dating him....and that was the end of her phone calls to my sister. It was pathetic to say the least. My sister was like, even if she wanted to date him, it was not such a bad thing (not that she will ever trip like that with a girlfriend's ex) as she had broken up with him, but to stop calling her told her that everything that she had confided to her, had been narrated back to the guy. It was sad as my sister treasured the friendship with her girl.

The good thing that came out of it was the lesson learnt for all of us....never confide to friends or even family members your relationship matters...it hurt her so badly but she left both of them alone and now the ex-girlfriend is trying to win my sister's friendship back as he kicked her flat asss to the curve, but it is too late. I never really liked that girl but she was my sister's friend and I had to respect that.


I can't believe your sister's so-called friend. But it sounds like your sis handled it with class! A part of me agrees that you shouldn't share too much info about your relationship with other people. But another part of me thinks that you should be able to trust your friends to do right by you. My best friend can tell me all the sorted details she likes. She can tell me that her man has something made of 14 carat gold. But I would never cross that line with her guy no matter what. I just don't operate that way.
First of all, the best friend can't really "take" the man. If he did anything with her at all, then he really wasn't all that committed to begin with.

Moreover, if she decided to cross that line, she really wasn't any sort of friend at all, because friends already know not to go there!

As far as fighting about it....no, I would not either. I'd have to walk away from the both of them. Some things you just can't come back from and this is one of them.

I would never date someone that one of my girl's dated...and you know what's funny? One of my friends actually accused me of NOT paying attention to who she went out with because I literally would not look at them much, just TO avoid this kind of situation. I knew one of the individuals in question had "feelings" for me, but I wasn't having it.

"Wisdom Is Always A Woman Who's A Faithful Friend!"
quote:
Originally posted by ShayaButHer:

Moreover, if she decided to cross that line, she really wasn't any sort of friend at all, because friends already know not to go there!



Good point! You have to be careful who you call a friend.
My grandmother told me on her death bed that everyone who claims to be my friend won't be. So true.
quote:
Originally posted by negrospiritual:
After the switchblade has been cleaned off, I would wish everyone well and be on my way! Cool


laugh I share similar sentiments.

No, but really...I would be going to jail because I don't play that and although right now I see exactly the logic and clear emotions of why not to fight or cut or commit major crimes. I do not believe that in the heat of the moment I would be as clear and understanding.
I mean it would be easy for me to just say, "Oh, I'd be hurt, but I wouldn't hurt them by getting violent." But I know in my heart because I have gotten that invested in my relationship, that I wouldn't be able to do that. Before, when I was just dating people... oh, yeah, I would've been more than able to just walk away from someone and a situation like this. I'd shake my head and say, "Flip you both very much. Deuces and kick rocks!" and would've been on my merry way. Now days nope, everybody is going down karate.
If my best friend stole my man [a scenario I simply cannot relate to]. . .

Yes, I would be angry and yes, I might throw or break things. . .

BUT! I would do NOTHING that would cause me to be locked up for any length of time.

In the end, I would value my OWN life & freedom more than 'getting back' at those two.
I don't have many friends; plenty of "girls", but not friends. So that would truly hurt me; especially since my friends are like sisters... with that being said I'd let the bytches go with some choice words I'm sure. Now if I happen to black out and jook someone(cut them to the white meat)my bad... but when I come to my senses I'd be thankful for my loss and press on... I shut people out easily that hurt me.
quote:
Originally posted by OhBlackButterfly:
~ danceIf your best friend steals your man, then count your blessings! You've been spared! She was never really your friend, nor was he really your man. So, good riddance! You're lucky to have found out when you did! They could have wasted your time for a LIFETIME!~ dance


Great advice, OBB. Smile

Unfortunately, it's not that cut & dry for some ladies. 14
I'M A LOVER NOT A FIGHTER Big Grin

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, IF MY BEST FRIND STEALS MY MAN, I WOULD BE UPSET, BUT THEN AGAIN I WOULD THINK TO MYSELF THEN I DO ALL THAT I NEEDED TO DO TO KEEP MY MAN, AND IS MY MAN WORTH KEEPING AT ALL?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO, BUT I DO KNOW THIS :

"IF YOUR BEST FRIEND STEALS YOUR MAN, YOU DIDN'T HAVE HIM ANYWAY"
quote:
Originally posted by donna12:
"IF YOUR BEST FRIEND STEALS YOUR MAN, YOU DIDN'T HAVE HIM ANYWAY"


You know donna12 .. this doesn't necessarily have to be completely accurate.

The thing is, men can have a fling, and for them, when they say, "but, it doesn't affect (or has no bearing on) the way I feel about my girlfriend/wife/SO .. it's really true! sck

Most men it's not a matter of searching for something they do not have, or looking for something other than what they've got. They get it because it is offered or available ... and the biggest consideration is not looking for another woman ... but not getting caught! Eek

Whereas, for most women that will venture to another .. they are looking for something *different* ... someone to fill some kind of void that is missing from relations with their mate.
[QUOTE]Originally posted by EbonyRose:
The thing is, men can have a fling, and for them, when they say, "but, it doesn't affect (or has no bearing on) the way I feel about my girlfriend/wife/SO .. it's really true! QUOTE]


~UGH! Pigs! Clearly the way such a pig feels about his wife is that her feelings mean little to him. He'd risk devastating her. THAT'S how he feels about her. She may be his, but he is NOT HERS. He's just got her fooled into THINKING that he is hers. All the while, he is in possession of her and is unworthy. Nasty pig! Not a man.~
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
quote:
Originally posted by OhBlackButterfly:
~ danceIf your best friend steals your man, then count your blessings! You've been spared! She was never really your friend, nor was he really your man. So, good riddance! You're lucky to have found out when you did! They could have wasted your time for a LIFETIME!~ dance


Great advice, OBB. Smile

Unfortunately, it's not that cut & dry for some ladies. 14


~Yep, that is unfortunate. Frown~
quote:
Originally posted by OhBlackButterfly:
~UGH! Pigs! Clearly the way such a pig feels about his wife is that her feelings mean little to him. He'd risk devastating her. THAT'S how he feels about her. She may be his, but he is NOT HERS. He's just got her fooled into THINKING that he is hers. All the while, he is in possession of her and is unworthy. Nasty pig! Not a man.~


LOL ...well, no, OBB .. actually, what you're describing is your typical, low-life, heat-seeking DOG!! But what I'm talking about is your everyday average male. And the truth is that they actually think just the opposite! Eek

Many of them are NOT willing to risk their relationships, and in fact, have no intentions of doing so. They just don't relate the little somethin' on the side to their current situation, because their feelings for one have nothing to do with the other. They don't realize that sex is what is supposed to be a sacred and exclusive part of the relationship he's having with you. Guys are just not wired that way. They separate the two.

But that's not to say that it's the right thing to do! nono It's just the way it happens a lot of times. But it is still inexcusable. sck
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
quote:
Originally posted by OhBlackButterfly:
~UGH! Pigs! Clearly the way such a pig feels about his wife is that her feelings mean little to him. He'd risk devastating her. THAT'S how he feels about her. She may be his, but he is NOT HERS. He's just got her fooled into THINKING that he is hers. All the while, he is in possession of her and is unworthy. Nasty pig! Not a man.~


LOL ...well, no, OBB .. actually, what you're describing is your typical, low-life, heat-seeking DOG!! But what I'm talking about is your everyday average male. And the truth is that they actually think just the opposite! Eek

Many of them are NOT willing to risk their relationships, and in fact, have no intentions of doing so. They just don't relate the little somethin' on the side to their current situation, because their feelings for one have nothing to do with the other. They don't realize that sex is what is supposed to be a sacred and exclusive part of the relationship he's having with you. Guys are just not wired that way. They separate the two.

But that's not to say that it's the right thing to do! nono It's just the way it happens a lot of times. But it is still inexcusable. sck


~Girl, go AWAY! You are depressing me! spank However, you speak truth. I ponder this very thing often. Every man that flirts with me is married or otherwise spoken for. They know it, I know it, and they know I know it. And they DO know what they're doing, and you're right, they are careful about risking that relationship. I'm gonna start cussing them the hell out. "Why the hell are you flirting with me, man?" Like I've got some kind of friggin' sign on my forehead or something! Nobody that flirts with me is available! What IS that? I'm already 99.9% sure that most men are the lowlife, heat-seeking dog that you speak of. Then you had to come along and hammer it home! spank~

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