...so as to get your thoughts.

I introduced my girl to this guy a few months ago. They exchanged emails, text messages, and sometimes phone calls. Then, they finally hooked up (it was actually a group of us together) and they seemed to hit it off.

He then began to be sporadic in his dealings with her--sometimes returning phone calls, texts, emails and stuff, other times not. Finally, she told him she was tired of it, then finally he visited her at her crib and they 'got down'. The visits began to become infrequent for a while. Once again, she told him she was finished with all of that, then they began to become more frequent, only with a twist.

He now comes over and has dinner then 'dessert'. He's just moved into a new apartment, but she's never been there. They've never been anywhere on a date. The only time he comes around in public is when we're in a group, much like we'll be in a group hanging out tonight. She claims that he invited her over and that she's going over there tonight after we all hook up for dinner.

I'm now getting the stories 3rd party as I grew weary of hearing about it all the time, and I let her know this indirectly.

My questions to the brothas:

Is he just using her for a bedding down and a free meal?
Was I wrong for growing tired as hell of hearing about how she was gonna be finished with him just to end up telling me that he was coming over again?

Help! bang Confused

Of course, sistahs comments are always welcome. 4
"I find, in being black, a thing of "beauty"; like a joy; a strength; a secret cup of gladness." Beauty Ossie Davis
Original Post
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
...so as to get your thoughts.

I introduced my girl to this guy a few months ago. They exchanged emails, text messages, and sometimes phone calls. Then, they finally hooked up (it was actually a group of us together) and they seemed to hit it off.

He then began to be sporadic in his dealings with her--sometimes returning phone calls, texts, emails and stuff, other times not. Finally, she told him she was tired of it, then finally he visited her at her crib and they 'got down'. The visits began to become infrequent for a while. Once again, she told him she was finished with all of that, then they began to become more frequent, only with a twist.

He now comes over and has dinner then 'dessert'. He's just moved into a new apartment, but she's never been there. They've never been anywhere on a date. The only time he comes around in public is when we're in a group, much like we'll be in a group hanging out tonight. She claims that he invited her over and that she's going over there tonight after we all hook up for dinner.

I'm now getting the stories 3rd party as I grew weary of hearing about it all the time, and I let her know this indirectly.

My questions to the brothas:

Is he just using her for a bedding down and a free meal?
Was I wrong for growing tired as hell of hearing about how she was gonna be finished with him just to end up telling me that he was coming over again?

Help! bang Confused

Of course, sistahs comments are always welcome. 4


I think he did what she let him do. You described them initially as "sporadic." Who knows what that really meant? Was he interested in going more slowly than she? Did they even want the same things? (I realize you may not know the answers)

**I know this is looking like I'm blaming the sista but I'm not**

Then you say she was "tired of it" Tired of what, exactly? If she was tired of the fact that he apparently was moving too slowly for her, this is the point where she should moved on, deciding he wasn't the one. Their subsequent get togethers (sex) was just more of the same.

It looks like she wanted A, and he wanted B. She gave him B and is now frustrated she didn't get A from him. I'm not assessing blame, but they were not after the same things, it seems.

No, you're not wrong for being tired of hearing it, but she's going to need you more when she finally does work dude out of her system.
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
I think he did what she let him do. You described them initially as "sporadic." Who knows what that really meant?

When I say sporadic, I mean, she'd text him, and he wouldn't send a note back. Then out of the blue, he'd send a note to say hi or something like that.

Was he interested in going more slowly than she? Did they even want the same things? (I realize you may not know the answers)

He told her that he 'enjoyed his freedom'. But I know she wanted and still wants a full-blown relationship. But, it just sounds like she's settling.

**I know this is looking like I'm blaming the sista but I'm not**

Then you say she was "tired of it" Tired of what, exactly? If she was tired of the fact that he apparently was moving too slowly for her, this is the point where she should moved on, deciding he wasn't the one. Their subsequent get togethers (sex) was just more of the same.

She was 'tired' of the fact that they didn't see each other all that much, and that had never invited her over and they never had gone out anywhere.

It looks like she wanted A, and he wanted B. She gave him B and is now frustrated she didn't get A from him. I'm not assessing blame, but they were not after the same things, it seems.

Well it would seem that way to me too, but now he's coming over her crib about once or twice per week, but they still never go anywhere. She cooks, then they both have 'dessert' and then he goes home.

No, you're not wrong for being tired of hearing it, but she's going to need you more when she finally does work dude out of her system.

I don't think she's gonna work this out of her system. It seems like desparation to me, but I feel you, Truth.
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:

My questions to the brothas:

Is he just using her for a bedding down and a free meal?
Was I wrong for growing tired as hell of hearing about how she was gonna be finished with him just to end up telling me that he was coming over again?

Help! bang Confused

4



Sometimes I really wonder about women ... Is it really so hard to see what's going on here that you must ask? Big Grin

If it looks like a duck and quacks like one it's a duck. A doggie with an itch is going to "scratch" your leg and run. A birdie that wants to nest will gather straw ...
quote:
Originally posted by HonestBrother:

Sometimes I really wonder about women ... Is it really so hard to see what's going on here that you must ask? Big Grin

Just asking...no harm, no foul.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like one it's a duck. A doggie with an itch is going to "scratch" your leg and run. A birdie that wants to nest will gather straw ...

What the hell does all of that mean? tongue
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
Is he just using her for a bedding down and a free meal?


Most definitely. Without question.


quote:
Was I wrong for growing tired as hell of hearing about how she was gonna be finished with him just to end up telling me that he was coming over again?


Nope. But you should have expected it. The writing was on the wall from the beginning on this one.

I don't understand why with the contact becoming "sporadic" she felt the need to tell him she was tired of it. It was at that point that there was really nothing to be "tired" of. Sporadic contact means he's only "spradically" interested. Believe me, if a man wants contact with a woman, he will make it. And when he doesn't, it's not what he wants. Her telling him she was tired of "it" only let him know that she was open to more of it ... and to anything else he wanted, for that matter. He 'hit it' because he could ... because it was available, not because he was interested in her. Interest and sporadic are not two words that go together for men when there is interest in a relationship.

The cat and mouse will continue as long as she lets it. And to save yourself an earful, you should make sure that's not very long at all! Tell her to cut her losses ... and his gravy train!
I have girl friends that behave the same way.

A man gives them a 'little bit' of attention, he says the right words.....and they loose their damn minds.

Welcome to the world of dating.....

Your friend is going to have to realize that these type of men are on a hunt, and if she cares about herself, shes going to have to turn a deaf ear, when he starts talking BS.

........And sleeping with him, was the worst thing to do!!

I've explain this to my friends, and it doesnt matter, because.......they fall for it everytime.

Hopefully these women will change, but i doubt it.
I hate to come out the pocket like this...but this scenario is just happening too damn frequently in our communities.

Tre,your girl needs to be hit with a fully loaded sandbag upside her head, then doused with a fire hose. *sorry, but thats the most direct way I can express my frustration.... Frown*

You're not wrong for not wanting to hear it anymore..in fact you showed more kindnest than I would have..I would of told her, "You're being used, you know you're being used, and apparently you enjoy being used..so cut the crap and be content, this is obviously your wish come true." *SIGH*

Anyway..focus on your life..she's gonna do what she wants to do no matter what; don't allow her drama to derail you.

My 23 pesos and a ruble....
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:

Your friend is going to have to realize that these type of men are on a hunt, and if she cares about herself, shes going to have to turn a deaf ear, when he starts talking BS.

Ok, but she's been married before, so how come she doesn't realize this? This is the first guy that's come along since her recent divorce that has shown her any 'real' interest--so I think that is what the attraction is about

quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:

Nope. But you should have expected it. The writing was on the wall from the beginning on this one.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I don't understand why with the contact becoming "sporadic" she felt the need to tell him she was tired of it. It was at that point that there was really nothing to be "tired" of. Sporadic contact means he's only "spradically" interested. Believe me, if a man wants contact with a woman, he will make it. And when he doesn't, it's not what he wants. Her telling him she was tired of "it" only let him know that she was open to more of it ... and to anything else he wanted, for that matter.

Now, here's the issue, I think. You are absolutely right! Him not calling or texting, or returning calls or text messages was her way out as this was an indication of his feelings. But her sending him a message saying it's over was the door to Pandora's box opening again. He always 'says' the right thing, then shows up at her house, he dycks her down then it's all good.He 'hit it' because he could ... because it was available, not because he was interested in her. Interest and sporadic are not two words that go together for men when there is interest in a relationship.

And to save yourself an earful, you should make sure that's not very long at all! Tell her to cut her losses ... and his gravy train!

There's nothing that I can tell her. We all went out on Friday, and she was acting peculiar to me, as she has been for the last couple of weeks now as I told her (subtly) my thoughts as it related to this subject. When she tried to bring it up, I acted casually about it, as I really didn't want to hear it. She had begun to tell our other girl, much like she did on Friday when we went out, as I was not interested. The thing is, he was supposed to meet us at the club and didn't show. She text him and he responded and that went on for part of the night, but he still never showed. She then said that if he called during the weekend, mind you, that she would not pick up the phone. I was like, 'yeah okay'. The way I see it is that she's gonna do what she wants anyway, regardless what I think--so that's cool, as long as I'm not involved.
quote:
Originally posted by xxGAMBITxx:

Tre,your girl needs to be hit with a fully loaded sandbag upside her head, then doused with a fire hose. *sorry, but thats the most direct way I can express my frustration.... Frown*

I would 2XGam, the only thing is, she didn't give me a lot of grief when I was going through my 'moments of insanity'. The thing is, mine lasted only a couple of months, this has lasted for about 6 months and still going strong (in a way).

Anyway..focus on your life..she's gonna do what she wants to do no matter what; don't allow her drama to derail you.

Great advice! That's exactly what I'm doing.

quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
quote:
Originally posted by qty226:

Your friend is going to have to realize that these type of men are on a hunt, and if she cares about herself, shes going to have to turn a deaf ear, when he starts talking BS.

Ok, but she's been married before, so how come she doesn't realize this? This is the first guy that's come along since her recent divorce that has shown her any 'real' interest--so I think that is what the attraction is about


"...since her divorce that has shown her any 'real' interest--"

from what you've described of his behavior, I wouldn't call that "interest."

You'd said earlier he told her that he "enjoyed his freedom." In every language known to man, that is codespeak for he ain't interested.

She's probably best to roll on from dude....like yesterday.
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
You'd said earlier he told her that he "enjoyed his freedom." In every language known to man, that is codespeak for he ain't interested.

She's probably best to roll on from dude....like yesterday.

I agree wholeheartedly, Truth, but I think she's thinking that this relationship, such as it is, beats the alternative--which was her not dating anyone at all.

quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Tre ...

Tell your girl she deserves better. And that she's selling herself short if she does not give herself that. Smile

ER,
I've told her that. This very same way of thinking helped me get out of my 'situation'. I thought to myself that there is someone out there for me who can and will devote himself to me, without the dramatic bull shyt. I just gave up trying to tell her, becuz I figure that once she's tired of it, she'd leave him alone on her own. Nothing I can say can make her stop the madness before she's ready.
sck
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Tre ...

Tell your girl she deserves better. And that she's selling herself short if she does not give herself that. Smile

ER,
I've told her that. This very same way of thinking helped me get out of my 'situation'. I thought to myself that there is someone out there for me who can and will devote himself to me, without the dramatic bull shyt. I just gave up trying to tell her, becuz I figure that once she's tired of it, she'd leave him alone on her own. Nothing I can say can make her stop the madness before she's ready.
sck


Just curious, Tre,
How long was your friend married, and how long has she been divorced? People who become single again, particulary after a long period of marriage, sometimes have a tendency to go "buck wild" even if only for a shortime. Everything is new again, and you don't always make the best decisions; so I won't judge the sista.

But I'm wondering if her lack of judgement is because of her "newfound" single status, or is she just relationship-ignorant like that?
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
Just curious, Tre,
How long was your friend married, and how long has she been divorced? People who become single again, particulary after a long period of marriage, sometimes have a tendency to go "buck wild" even if only for a shortime. Everything is new again, and you don't always make the best decisions; so I won't judge the sista.

Truth, this was her third marriage and she was married for about 6 years, but had been 'with' the guy for much longer than that, like over 10 years. She would always say that 'this if the first guy that has actually shown "interest" in a very long time'.

But I'm wondering if her lack of judgement is because of her "newfound" single status, or is she just relationship-ignorant like that?

Well, even during the time when she was married and the marriage was on the rocks, she was looking to get with someone. So, I just think it has everything to do with being with someone no matter how frequent the being 'with' someone is.
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
... He then began to be sporadic in his dealings with her--sometimes returning phone calls, texts, emails and stuff, other times not. Finally, she told him she was tired of it, then finally he visited her at her crib and they 'got down'. The visits began to become infrequent for a while. Once again, she told him she was finished with all of that, then they began to become more frequent, only with a twist.

He now comes over and has dinner then 'dessert'...
Your girl established a pattern from the get go... She said she was done, and then let him back in... So many times women say that they are putting their foot down... and the do something completely different... He will not respect her until she really puts her foot down and says goodbye... Permanently...
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
quote:
Originally posted by Shango67:
quote:
He will not respect her until she really puts her foot down and says goodbye... Permanently...

He is not going to respect she REGARDLESS of her decision.


I agree. tfro


Shang and Fabu,

I feel you both--but she's still seeing him, so whatever. Roll Eyes
quote:
From Tre:
And in addition, he's not going to be the one to let go--is this correct?
I don't understand the question...

All I was saying was that women have the power to command respect... but they have to do it from day one... They cannot expect respect if they say one thing and do another...
quote:
Originally posted by AudioGuy:
quote:
From Tre:
And in addition, he's not going to be the one to let go--is this correct?
I don't understand the question...



AG, the question is really just making a statement, indirectly at least. I was saying if she doesn't end it, he's not because he's cool with the way things are now.

That's all.
quote:
Originally posted by MidLifeMan:

Translation: "I don't want to be tied down to one women and this is my way of telling you but if you want to sex me and feed me when I want that's on you"


That sounds about right, MidLife.

Tell your son I'm gonna bite his cute little face if I ever see him. 5
quote:
Originally posted by MidLifeMan:
There is her first clue:

quote:
He told her that he 'enjoyed his freedom'.


Translation: "I don't want to be tied down to one women and this is my way of telling you but if you want to sex me and feed me when I want that's on you"


Actually, a more accurate translation would be: "I don't want to be tied down to YOU and this is my way of telling you but if you want to sex me and feed me when I want that's on you"
quote:
Originally posted by Kweli4Real:

Actually, a more accurate translation would be: "I don't want to be tied down to YOU and this is my way of telling you but if you want to sex me and feed me when I want that's on you"


That's an even more interesting point.
quote:
Originally posted by Tre:
...so as to get your thoughts.

I introduced my girl to this guy a few months ago. They exchanged emails, text messages, and sometimes phone calls. Then, they finally hooked up (it was actually a group of us together) and they seemed to hit it off.

*Sounds good so far*


He then began to be sporadic in his dealings with her--sometimes returning phone calls, texts, emails and stuff, other times not. Finally, she told him she was tired of it, then finally he visited her at her crib and they 'got down'. The visits began to become infrequent for a while. Once again, she told him she was finished with all of that, then they began to become more frequent, only with a twist.

*she should had held to her guns. If she wanted him to call her more, she should have held that against him when he came by, not gave him some poosie. I think she set herself like a straight up booty call. In her mind, she did that to get closer to him, but in his mind, he knows that once a woman gives it up, he's got her mentally under control.


He now comes over and has dinner then 'dessert'.

*told ya!! HAHHAHA!!*


He's just moved into a new apartment, but she's never been there.

*Why would she be invited over??, she's not his girlfriend, she's just 'that girl i had sex with in november'...or something like that*

They've never been anywhere on a date.

*I'm shocked!!! You mean he isn't taking a bedroom hump buddy out on the town?? *


The only time he comes around in public is when we're in a group, much like we'll be in a group hanging out tonight. She claims that he invited her over and that she's going over there tonight after we all hook up for dinner.

*More sex. At least she found a place in his life. *



My questions to the brothas:

Is he just using her for a bedding down and a free meal?

*He gets a free meal too?? now that's my MVP!!*


Was I wrong for growing tired as hell of hearing about how she was gonna be finished with him just to end up telling me that he was coming over again?

*You are not wrong. Please understand that your female friend felt rejected and rejection makes that target person more desired*


Help! bang Confused

Of course, sistahs comments are always welcome. 4




I hope my input helps you

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