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Hey Ddouble, great topic. I think apologies are very important in a relationship. They don't necessarily mean that a person won't ever offend you again; it simply means (at least to me) that he or she acknowledges that you are hurt or offended and that he or she is claiming responsibility for the offense. When people claim responsibility for their offenses, I think it shows integrity.
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Originally posted by Rowe:
Hey Ddouble, great topic. I think apologies are very important in a relationship. They don't necessarily mean that a person won't ever offend you again; it simply means (at least to me) that he or she acknowledges that you are hurt or offended and that he or she is claiming responsibility for the offense. When people claim responsibility for their offenses, I think it shows integrity.


Agreed. As for which gender has more difficulty apologizing, it probably depends on the nature of the "wrong". I thought of adding that question, but intentionally left it out... 16
If I think I'm wrong, I'll apologize most of the time. Even if I don't think I'm wrong, but he is offended, I apologize for not being able to see it the way he does, lol.

But, if I feel goaded or that he is being whiney, I can't get one out even if I am feeling wrong and sorry. That has caused drama before.

But I'm sincere when I apologize.

While I suppose apologizies are important in a relationship, I think there are variables.

For example, I don't put too much weight on apologies. I'm very into action. So, I really don't care if someone says sorry or not so long as their actions show me what I want to see.

I've only begun apologizing a few years ago because I've learned that many people can't see the actions if they haven't heard the sorries. But if I were with someone more like me in this aspect, I don't think the words would be all that important to our relationship so long as the feelings and actions were on point.
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While I suppose apologizies are important in a relationship, I think there are variables.

For example, I don't put too much weight on apologies. I'm very into action. So, I really don't care if someone says sorry or not so long as their actions show me what I want to see.



I'm feeling that. SHOW me you are sorry, don't just say the words.
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Originally posted by ddouble:
When you realize you've said or done something in a relationship you need to apologize for, how do you handle it? Are apologies important to you or your partner?


"Hey, uh, baby,....you know you is wearin' the heck out of that dress, girl" Cool

No, seriously, what is the difficulty in apologizing? Presumably, we're dating someone we have respect for and we're comfortable with, so why should an apology be hard? Nobody is right all the time; it doesn't diminish me as a man to admit that I was wrong.
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Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
No, seriously, what is the difficulty in apologizing? Presumably, we're dating someone we have respect for and we're comfortable with, so why should an apology be hard? Nobody is right all the time; it doesn't diminish me as a man to admit that I was wrong.


I can't speak for others, but the main reason that I've been so reluctant to apolgize in the past wasn't because I thought it would "diminish" me but because I couldn't see that point.

If I've changed my behavior out of respect for your feelings, isn't it obvious I'm sorry for what I've done? What does an apology add to the matter?

Since a sorry added nothing in my POV, I didn't understand why I should waste time issuing one.
I apologize if I think I am wrong.

If I don't understand what I did to offend or insult, I will first try to understand by probing before I apologize, because I wouldn't want it to be an empty one. This has had me accused in the past of not 'never wanting to be wrong' by people who had issues communicating, and thought we should read each other's minds... while others without this 'issue' think it is a sincere attempt at empathy.

Also, I hate when people apologize just to shut me up, because it takes the spirit/essense out of the act, and therefore renders it meaningless, pointless, and ineffective(and insulting).

No matter how well an apology is delivered, if there is no end to the offending behavior and no corrective atonement for the offense, it is also meaningless, pointless, and adds insult to injury.
A couple of years ago, I was reading this book and in the book this woman and her man had a rule that they would take turns apologizing. They just had to say they were sorry that they let things get out of hand and reaffirm their love for each other. I thought that was a great idea so in my relationships since I have been able to convince my partner that was something we should try. Now in my marriage it has worked really well, we seem to argue a lot less than some of our other couple friends. I think next time I have to apologize, you know he will remind me if I forget, but I don't really mind because there is something to be said about make-up lovin' Big Grin
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Originally posted by ma'am:
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Originally posted by tru2urself16:
A couple of years ago, I was reading this book and in the book this woman and her man had a rule that they would take turns apologizing.


I don't understand what you mean.


Well, the way it was portrayed in the book is that whenever there was an arguement between the couple they would wait until things cooled and then one would apologize and the next time there was an arguement the other would apologize, no matter who started the arguement or what it was about. They didn't have to admit the other person was right, just that things shouldn't have gotten to that point and reaffirm their love for each other. Like I said it sounds like a really good idea for couples willing to try it.

There does that help?
quote:
Originally posted by tru2urself16:
Well, the way it was portrayed in the book is that whenever there was an arguement between the couple they would wait until things cooled and then one would apologize and the next time there was an arguement the other would apologize, no matter who started the arguement or what it was about. They didn't have to admit the other person was right, just that things shouldn't have gotten to that point and reaffirm their love for each other. Like I said it sounds like a really good idea for couples willing to try it.

There does that help?


Sorry, but that just sounds real insincere. "ain't really sorry, but's my turn."

...like it's the alternate possession in basketball. I got this one, you get the next one. Roll Eyes
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Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
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Originally posted by tru2urself16:
Well, the way it was portrayed in the book is that whenever there was an arguement between the couple they would wait until things cooled and then one would apologize and the next time there was an arguement the other would apologize, no matter who started the arguement or what it was about. They didn't have to admit the other person was right, just that things shouldn't have gotten to that point and reaffirm their love for each other. Like I said it sounds like a really good idea for couples willing to try it.

There does that help?


Sorry, but that just sounds real insincere. "ain't really sorry, but's my turn."

...like it's the alternate possession in basketball. I got this one, you get the next one. Roll Eyes



Okay, I guess it could come off that way, but as I said it has worked for me. I will admit though that each relationship is different, in a couple of my relationships it did not work because the person was so insistent that someone is right and someone be wrong. I think this idea takes it past that. I see it as you not saying, "Oh, I'm right, so you must be wrong. Therefore you need to apologize!" which that may or may not cause another argument. Instead this is saying, "Okay, I apologize for allowing myself to turn a talk turn into an argument. I love you and I want to understand your point, although I may not relinquish mine." I think that this approach gives you a way to throw the arguement away and have a decent conversation about what is really bothering you. You get rid of the the old battle and start the compromise. Besides I don't think this is meant for every small insignificant argument, more like the big ones like whatever your big problems are in your relationship. The ones where neither of you is willing to relinquish your position/ stand on things. Well, that's how I took it, but maybe you are right.

I want to ask you a question though, when you get into an argument with your partner, aren't you sorry that things turned heated, no matter who was at fault? If so, then that's what you would be apologizing for, not for your view of the situation.
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Originally posted by tru2urself16:
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Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
quote:
Originally posted by tru2urself16:
Well, the way it was portrayed in the book is that whenever there was an arguement between the couple they would wait until things cooled and then one would apologize and the next time there was an arguement the other would apologize, no matter who started the arguement or what it was about. They didn't have to admit the other person was right, just that things shouldn't have gotten to that point and reaffirm their love for each other. Like I said it sounds like a really good idea for couples willing to try it.

There does that help?


Sorry, but that just sounds real insincere. "ain't really sorry, but's my turn."

...like it's the alternate possession in basketball. I got this one, you get the next one. Roll Eyes



Okay, I guess it could come off that way, but as I said it has worked for me. I will admit though that each relationship is different, in a couple of my relationships it did not work because the person was so insistent that someone is right and someone be wrong. I think this idea takes it past that. I see it as you not saying, "Oh, I'm right, so you must be wrong. Therefore you need to apologize!" which that may or may not cause another argument. Instead this is saying, "Okay, I apologize for allowing myself to turn a talk turn into an argument. I love you and I want to understand your point, although I may not relinquish mine." I think that this approach gives you a way to throw the arguement away and have a decent conversation about what is really bothering you. You get rid of the the old battle and start the compromise. Besides I don't think this is meant for every small insignificant argument, more like the big ones like whatever your big problems are in your relationship. The ones where neither of you is willing to relinquish your position/ stand on things. Well, that's how I took it, but maybe you are right.

I want to ask you a question though, when you get into an argument with your partner, aren't you sorry that things turned heated, no matter who was at fault? If so, then that's what you would be apologizing for, not for your view of the situation.


Ok, with the added context, I can give your system more lattitude, and congratulate you that it works for you. Smile Hey, maybe you're just more magnanimous than I am.

As to your question, yes, I find when arguing w/ my partner (fortunately, rare situations) that I regret that fact that it's reached that point.

And while I can apologize for my part in bringing us to that point, the issue of the disagreeement (because it is such a rare occurance) probably still does need to be addressed and settled. Otherwise, you're soon to be right back in the same arugment, just over a different touchpoint, right?

I guess I can see "my turn, your turn" over the fact that we're in disagreement, but if I'm right about the point of disagreement then homegirl's argument has got to be systematically, point-by-point, vanquished!!!! (nah, I'm just playin') Big Grin

...did you just win this argument? hat
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
Ok, with the added context, I can give your system more lattitude, and congratulate you that it works for you. Smile Hey, maybe you're just more magnanimous than I am.


Thank you, now I wouldn't go that far as me being more magnanimous than anybody. I think I've just learned a few lessons earlier in life than some.

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As to your question, yes, I find when arguing w/ my partner (fortunately, rare situations) That's great! Smilethat I regret that fact that it's reached that point.

And while I can apologize for my part in bringing us to that point, the issue of the disagreeement (because it is such a rare occurance) probably still does need to be addressed and settled. Otherwise, you're soon to be right back in the same arugment, just over a different touchpoint, right?


That is exactly what I meant. You make it open for a clear conversation and let go of the old argument.

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I guess I can see "my turn, your turn" over the fact that we're in disagreement, but if I'm right about the point of disagreement then homegirl's argument has got to be systematically, point-by-point, vanquished!!!! (nah, I'm just playin') Big Grin

...did you just win this argument? hat


This was an exchange of opinions Wink, so therefore we can call it a draw.

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