How Do Men Fall in Love?

very good questions!!!

Yeah ... but I really need one (or more) of y'all to tell me a really good answer!!

I'm tryin' to figger y'all out!

WELL, EBONY ROSE, I AM NOT A MAN BUT I WOULD TAKE A WACK AT IT.

MY HUSBAND TOLD ME, THE FIRST TIME HE HEARD MY VOICE ON THE PHONE HE WAS ATTRACTED TO ME, THE NEXT TIME HE SAW ME SMILE, AND HOW MY EYES SHONED IN THE DARK(DON'T ASK),(HIS EXACT WORDS WERE HE WAS HOOKED)

Believe it or not, there was a time when I had these same questions! In fact, back in 2003, when this was very much on my mind, I even started a thread asking a similar question!

I guess that says a lot, huh?

Since then, when it has happened (and it did, once), it wasn't something I "saw coming." In other words, it was there already before I cognitively became aware that I was in love.

Why do you ask, anyway?

Thanks, donna529! Sounds like he just fell in head first!

And Vox ...

Wow ... I'm sorry I missed that thread!! Looks like a good one But, I think that was before I was venturing into the Den ... I wasn't always sure it was safe.

I don't have a lot of time right now, but I'd like to try to answer both of your inquiries, this thread and the other, in one shot if I could.

First of all, the reason that I ask is because ... well, aside from my neverending quest to figure you all out (and I think I've gotten pretty good at it, myself! )... I was wondering why in all of any of the few long relationships I've had, (those lasting say more than a couple years), it has always happened that after the time comes to end it, is when I hear "But you can't leave me. I love you!" And it's like some revelation, because I can tell that as they are saying it to me, they are really just realizing it for themselves!

Women, on the other hand, can pretty much tell when the shoe has dropped! I believe most women will say "I'm falling in love with him" as the relationship grows, while most men, until they actually feel the piercing of Cupid's arrow hitting them in the butt (or the heart, as it were!) don't realize how much they care for that woman and that relationship at the time.

I'm the type of person who will exhaust every chance at a relationship that has the makings to be a happy, healthy and wise one for the both of us. I've got time and patience and all that good stuff! But, once it becomes apparent that the relationship is not headed in that direction, well .... it's time to go! Ya know? But I feel bad because I know what it's like to have feeling for someone and they are not reciprocated to you.

That "love" is a tricky thing! lol It takes all kinds of different shapes and forms and is hard to recognize sometimes. But, I'm just wondering how much the difference in emotional levels between men and women affect a man's ability to know when he's in love. And I think I've figured it out, but I thought I'd ask to test my theory!

I think the butterfiles are reserved for certain people, certain souls that connect in a certain way. But, I'm pretty much convinced that a person that does that to you is someone you will love in some way. The fact that you don't get them just means that you're probably much more practical now!

quote:

I was wondering why in all of any of the few long relationships I've had, (those lasting say more than a couple years), it has always happened that after the time comes to end it, is when I hear "But you can't leave me. I love you!" And it's like some revelation, because I can tell that as they are saying it to me, they are really just realizing it for themselves!

this truly is a curiousity. (I'll answer my experience of the original question later).
A friend left Sydney and went to live in New York for 4 years. 4 yrs=length of visa, ok?
She meets a guy, they fall in love, move in together, blah, blah. One month before she has to come home - visa is running out - he says 'oh, but can't you stay?' Hum, no. Like, so where are we heading? Not much to say from him. He'd forgotten about the V-I-S-A...or what? Reality time!!
She leaves the USA, comes home to Australia. Kaboomba... weeks later he flies out to Australia with a ring and proposes. Sounds romantic, but WTF? She said, um, no. You should have thought about all this BEFOREHAND.
End of story.

My experience has been that men slide semi-consciously into love mode, and s-l-o-w-l-y realise it themselves... and can't quite believe it. Then they get reallye excited by the concept. They try not to let on too much... but eventually it comes out. Then it's
.

Men in love scare me....

The energy is usually extremely overpowering, overbearing and controlling....

and often too late....


Peace,
Virtue

quote:

Originally posted by virtue:
Men in love scare me....

The energy is usually extremely overpowering, overbearing and controlling....

IMHO, this won't happen if the man is in love, and he has self-control.

quote:

Originally posted by Black Viking:
IMHO, this won't happen if the man is in love, and he has self-control.

Point taken....


Peace,
Virtue

Well ... men, it seems to me that men and self-control when it comes to things "emotional" is often a bit tricky!

As they mature, it's easier for them to get a grip on such things ... but in youth

So, I understand what Virtue is saying.

quote:

The energy is usually extremely overpowering, overbearing and controlling....

Alot of women use the 'please be faithful' approach.

Some men use the 'oh you gon' be faithful!' approach. (as he waves figuratively waves his fist)

They do this by irrationally, assertively, and aggressively trying to manipulate their lovers daily lives. But can you blame them? For one, alot of women tolerate this because they think it is 'cute'(some women have a strange fascination with cute and cuddly 'childishness)(a baby lion is cute until it bites you in the behind), also this is the only way that some women can 'feel' love.

Another set of women, the womanipulators of the manipulators tolerate these men because they see the desperation and vulnerability of the unsuspecting baby lions' and use it to their advantage. These are the women in love who scare me, because they apply this womanipulative behavior to any and every male.

How do men fall in love? (I got issues with 'fall')

Anyhow, I "fell" in love one time, with innocence. She had a positive upbringing, with a positive outlook on life that boardered naivness. This sort of naivness she had was cute and innocent, I felt inclined to preserve and protect that. So I guess one way a man 'falls' in love is because he feels needed. Women know how to 'lift' a man up and make him feel useful. Maybe it's encoded in them.

quote:

Originally posted by HeruStar:
Anyhow, I fell in love one time, with innocence. She had a positive upbringing, with a positive outlook on life that boardered naivness. This sort of naivness she had was cute and innocent, I felt inclined to preserve and protect that. So I guess one way a man 'falls' in love is because he feels needed. Women know how to 'lift' a man up and make him feel useful. Maybe it's encoded in them.

Wow, Heru. We have something in common. I can identify with this. I call it the "damsel-in-distress" complex. I've tried to resist it though ever since I noticed I tend to do this.

quote:

I call it the "damsel-in-distress" complex. I've tried to resist it though ever since I noticed I tend to do this.

Why resist? It's natural...

quote:

Originally posted by HeruStar:

quote:

The energy is usually extremely overpowering, overbearing and controlling....

Alot of women use the 'please be faithful' approach.

Some men use the 'oh you gon' be faithful!' approach. (as he waves figuratively waves his fist)

They do this by irrationally, assertively, and aggressively trying to manipulate their lovers daily lives. But can you blame them? For one, alot of women tolerate this because they think it is 'cute'(some women have a strange fascination with cute and cuddly 'childishness)(a baby lion is cute until it bites you in the behind), also this is the only way that some women can 'feel' love.

Another set of women, the womanipulators of the manipulators tolerate these men because they see the desperation and vulnerability of the unsuspecting baby lions' and use it to their advantage. These are the women in love who scare me, because they apply this womanipulative behavior to any and every male.

Perhaps....

I do not doubt you know women like this.....
but sometimes....
a man........
once "there"........
in love....

simply does not know how to handle it....

or the woman he claims his love for....

Yet, the question is a very general one.... and men are not monolithic....

quote:

How do men fall in love? (I got issues with 'fall')

Anyhow, I "fell" in love one time, with innocence. She had a positive upbringing, with a positive outlook on life that boardered naivness. This sort of naivness she had was cute and innocent, I felt inclined to preserve and protect that. So I guess one way a man 'falls' in love is because he feels needed. Women know how to 'lift' a man up and make him feel useful. Maybe it's encoded in them.

HeruStar?

You can be sweet sometimes....


Peace,
Virtue

quote:

HeruStar?

You can be sweet sometimes....

I'm not all bad...

quote:

Originally posted by art_gurl:
My experience has been that men slide semi-consciously into love mode, and s-l-o-w-l-y realise it themselves... and can't quite believe it. Then they get reallye excited by the concept. They try not to let on too much... but eventually it comes out. Then it's
.

I agree with you, art_gurl. I think this is mainly the way it happens with guys. I sometimes wonder how the result would be different if maybe we told them what was happening to them in time to have it be a meaningful part of the relationship! lol However, I'm not sure many of them would be able to take the shock!

I actually find that kind of naiveness (is that a word?) about men kinda cute and endearing, though. Kind of like seeing the eyes of the kid who gets their first new bike on Christmas morning!

Then again, I just love men, period.

quote:

Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Then again, I just love men, period.

yup... most of them anyhoo

I wasn't expecting it so I was "ambushed" in a weird sort of way. She walked into the office one day and I was smitten. I'm not sure if it was her looks, voice or maturity, but I was done. It was so bad that even though I said I would never say the "L" word again I did......


catch

i think men fall in love to quickly.

Isn't there a book out called "He's just not in to you"?

Men who "procrastinate" on admitting or realizing their "love" for a woman probably don't.

It doesn't take a great "revelation" for us to know this. I'll let you in on a little secret...most men know from a conversation and a date that you are "the one". It doesn't take someone YEARS to know this.

Wise up ladies.

There was a couple that my wife and I knew who had been dating/engaged for several years. When we announced our engagement after only dating a year you should have seen the look on his and her face...hers was like "I'll be dammed" his was like "F*CK!"

And yes men experience "love at first sight" and can fall for a women and KNOW they are in love in a very short time.

All that "I need time to get myself together" sh*t that men give women is jus stalling. He's hoping for something better.

quote:

Originally posted by MidLifeMan:
Men who "procrastinate" on admitting or realizing their "love" for a woman probably don't.

(snip)

All that "I need time to get myself together" sh*t that men give women is jus stalling. He's hoping for something better.

Wow. I've been on the receiving end of that line a few times. What cruelty.

quote:

Originally posted by MidLifeMan:
Isn't there a book out called "He's just not in to you"?

Men who "procrastinate" on admitting or realizing their "love" for a woman probably don't.

It doesn't take a great "revelation" for us to know this. I'll let you in on a little secret...most men know from a conversation and a date that you are "the one". It doesn't take someone YEARS to know this.

Wise up ladies.

There was a couple that my wife and I knew who had been dating/engaged for several years. When we announced our engagement after only dating a year you should have seen the look on his and her face...hers was like "I'll be dammed" his was like "F*CK!"

And yes men experience "love at first sight" and can fall for a women and KNOW they are in love in a very short time.

All that "I need time to get myself together" sh*t that men give women is jus stalling. He's hoping for something better.

I'm going to print this out and give it to every one of my girlfriends!! Perhaps they will finally believe it coming from a man!

quote:

All that "I need time to get myself together" sh*t that men give women is jus stalling. He's hoping for something better.

I've been on the giving end and not to make excuses...some of us don't do it to be cruel. We just don't know what we want...but I know men in their 40s still struggling with knowing "themselves". We all struggle with this.

My feeling is that when a man truly knows that he wants it doesn't matter what position he is in he will want to make a commit to "the one" even if there are things he needs to do first

quote:

Originally posted by MidLifeMan:

My feeling is that when a man truly knows that he wants it doesn't matter what position he is in he will want to make a commit to "the one" even if there are things he needs to do first

I agree.....

the same applies to women as well.......


Peace,
Virtue

I really dont know how men fall in love... i dont like that word... fall ... to me anything you fall into you can fall out of. I will say that I have loved alot of men for different reasons... the main one always being the way they treated me. Respect for another person will take you a long way. And I have been with me who were not that attractive to me but they were good to me and because they were good to me I was able to give the best and the worst of me without feeling like I had to act. When there worst came out I remembered that they are human just like me and we go through things. I can say that I am friends still with those me who were good to me... why am I not with them.. I dont know. I do believe you meet everyone for a reason, a season, or for eternity. Love for a woman is showed in so many different forms that have nothing to do with sex, and sometimes you have the privalege of meeting someone who needs to be loved, deserves, wants it and gives it back. We all crave it and need.. some people just abuse it. What ever your reason or however long you have mad a deposit in someones life...try and make it a positive one

I know i tend to fall fast.

At least i have in the past but that's something i have corrected lol.

For me it seem that if i am really feelin her is that her smell will just drive me nuts. I'll be happy to see her. I was sucker for a girl with very pretty eyes. I would want to sing to her and silly stuff like that and no i don't do that anymore lol. Get nervous around her for no reason and just would seek her touch just to have it.

That's all i can think of right now.

quote:

Originally posted by LovNThySoul:
Get nervous around her for no reason and just would seek her touch just to have it.

Don't know why.....

but I thought this was real sweet and expressive.....


There are plenty of women who would respond positively to this.....

you look young.... (20's?)

there are plenty of young(20's) women on this board even that respect a sensitive man...



Peace,
Virtue

quote:

Originally posted by virtue:

quote:

Originally posted by LovNThySoul:
Get nervous around her for no reason and just would seek her touch just to have it.

Don't know why.....

but I thought this was real sweet and expressive.....


There are plenty of women who would respond positively to this.....

you look young.... (20's?)

there are plenty of young(20's) women on this board even that respect a sensitive man...



Peace,
Virtue

It is taken as weakness before they really even get to know me.

That pic was taken July of 05. I am now 33. Maybe i have very good aging genetics but i get that alot.

In my experience, and all i have ever really done is long term relationships, is that i get prejudged alot.

I hear it from those i am interested in. I have dated the same woman in very different packages. From thick to slim but it doesn't matter.

I'm a libra if that means anything. I am a very passionate guy. I don't have issue with correcting my flaws as i am the type that continously tries to grow inside and out.

I just think sometimes most cannot feel the type of man I am due to never having been with one to begin with so alot is assumed and never asked.

*shrugs* I haven't dated in over a year just cause of all the craziness of it. It does get old.

quote:

I am now 33.

I thought you were in your teens!!

quote:

Originally posted by Frenchy:

quote:

I am now 33.

I thought you were in your teens!!

LOL.

quote:

Originally posted by EbonyRose:
This is mostly aimed at the fellas, but ... anybody who cares to jump in ... feel free ...

Based on you or our buddy's/friend's experience of having fallen in love, would you say that when men fall in love that most men actually see love coming ... meaning that they may fall in love with her gradually, maybe for how she may do something a certian way or the way she is a particular thing or how she, I don't know, wrinkles her nose or something () as opposed to more or less just waking up one morning and saying, "Dang, I guess I musta went and fell in love!!"

I mean, would you say that most guys know what's coming before it gets there ... or are more prone to find out after the fact??

I grew in love with Mrs. Brown.

We were in church and the preacher asked the married folk in the congregation were we in love with our spouse or growing in love?

I thought it was an akward question and one I never pondered but I knew right away I was growing in love with my wife. I proudly looked over at her and whispered "I am growing in love with you."

Not a good idea...we hadn't been married for a year and since before we were married I had told her "I love you."

She was upset that after a year of being married I was growing in love with her.

I apologized for the early misconceptions and told her that I never thought of love as growing and that it made more sense to me than the idea of being in love when I knew I wasn't.

It was a hard dose of reality for her and I did feel responsible but we grew from that and it's a topic we talk about with each other and other couples.

6 yrs later we are still growing in love.

quote:

Originally posted by virtue:

quote:

Originally posted by LovNThySoul:
Get nervous around her for no reason and just would seek her touch just to have it.

Don't know why.....

but I thought this was real sweet and expressive.....


There are plenty of women who would respond positively to this.....

you look young.... (20's?)

there are plenty of young(20's) women on this board even that respect a sensitive man...



Peace,
Virtue

Did my age shut you up LOL?

quote:

Originally posted by LovNThySoul:

quote:

Originally posted by virtue:

quote:

Originally posted by LovNThySoul:
Get nervous around her for no reason and just would seek her touch just to have it.

Don't know why.....

but I thought this was real sweet and expressive.....


There are plenty of women who would respond positively to this.....

you look young.... (20's?)

there are plenty of young(20's) women on this board even that respect a sensitive man...



Peace,
Virtue

Did my age shut you up LOL?

No....

Why do you say that?


Peace,
Virtue

quote:

Originally posted by virtue:
No....

Why do you say that?


Peace,
Virtue

You seemed to just drop what you were saying. I guess i expected you to say something more for some reason.

My bad.

Peace.

quote:

Originally posted by LovNThySoul:

quote:

Originally posted by virtue:

quote:

Originally posted by LovNThySoul:
Get nervous around her for no reason and just would seek her touch just to have it.

Don't know why.....

but I thought this was real sweet and expressive.....


There are plenty of women who would respond positively to this.....

you look young.... (20's?)

there are plenty of young(20's) women on this board even that respect a sensitive man...



Peace,
Virtue

It is taken as weakness before they really even get to know me.

That pic was taken July of 05. I am now 33. Maybe i have very good aging genetics but i get that alot.

In my experience, and all i have ever really done is long term relationships, is that i get prejudged alot.

I hear it from those i am interested in. I have dated the same woman in very different packages. From thick to slim but it doesn't matter.

I'm a libra if that means anything. I am a very passionate guy. I don't have issue with correcting my flaws as i am the type that continously tries to grow inside and out.

I just think sometimes most cannot feel the type of man I am due to never having been with one to begin with so alot is assumed and never asked.

*shrugs* I haven't dated in over a year just cause of all the craziness of it. It does get old.

More?

Well.....

You seem in tune with your emotions....

and prepared to give of yourself in this way.....

You are handsome

You don't come off harsh....

inviting even.....

many women respond to this.....

I was surprised that you haven't received what you say you are looking for......

and since you seemed young.... I was simply saying that you shouldn't worry, there are women, who are your age, that will respond to this....

You are 33.....

You still would probably be happier with a woman younger than you...

It usually works out better that way...

Just my humble opinion though...


this is the internet..... if your personality is "real"..... then keep being yourself...... and I have no doubt you'll find what you're looking for.....





Peace,
Virtue

quote:

this is the internet..... if your personality is "real"..... then keep being yourself...... and I have no doubt you'll find what you're looking for.....

And so said the oracle virtue....

I think men (ok, I'll speak for myself) are more comfortable if it's gradual. Women, typically, are more closely in touch with their emotions anyway, so they understand it better and it's a more comfortable fit. (a generalization I know, but I think it's true).

Men are like airplanes, we need to ease down the runway, build up speed and soar into "love." Sistas are like helicopters; when the engine is on and they know, they go straight up!!