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A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came
flying out of the pew and screamed
"Good God all mighty!"
"Correct!" said the minister and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?" the wife hit him again and he jumped
up and shouted
"Jesus Christ!"
"That's right!" said the minister and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to fall asleep again.
The minister then goes to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of 29th child?"
The wife poked her husband once again and he shouted
"If you stick that damn thing in me again
I'll break it off!"
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Okay, on the religious joke tip:

A new priest is giving his first mass and understandably nervous, so he speaks with an older priest, "What do you do about nerves?" The older priest glances around and whispers, "Well, I just take a sip of the sacramental wine and the nerves fade away."

Well, the young priest was very nervous, so he drank the whole bottle and proceeded to give the mass of a life time. The church was rocking.

After the mass, the older priest approached the young priest and said, "Well, that certainly was a, uh, uh, spirited service." He then continued, "But might I offer you a little constructive criticism?: Well, first of all, there were ten commandments not twelve. And twelve disciples not ten. We don't refer to Jesus and the disciples as 'J.C. and the Crew' But most importantly, we don't refer to the Blessed Holy Mother as 'Mary with the cherry.'"
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon
they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband
said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is
getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got
his yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his
wife's butt.

"Yep" he said, "Just what I thought, just about the
same size."

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do
the gardening alone.

She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest
of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled
up to his wife and said, "How about it Honey, how about
a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving
him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire
up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

Big Grin

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A man went to church one day and afterward,
he stopped to shake the priest's hand.

MAN: "Father, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned fine!"

PRIEST: "Thank you sir, but I'd rather
you didn't use that kind of language in the
Lord's House."

MAN: "I was so damned impressed
with that sermon I put five thousand dollars
in the offering plate!"

PRIEST: "No shit"

brotongue

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A line of nuns are confessing their sins before Father Flanagan.

The first nun steps up and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. Last night, I and 3 others who snuck into the rectory and I pulled back your blanket caught a glimpse of your penis."

Father Flanagan said, "Yes, my child you have sinned. Go say 1 Hail Mary and wash your eyes in this Holy Water."

The second nun steps forward and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I, too, snuck into the rectory and saw your penis; but I had never touched one, so I reached out and touched it."

Father Flanagan says to this nun, "Yes child, you have sinned. Go say 3 Hail Marys and 2 Our Fathers and go wash your hands in this Holy Water.

The third nun steps up, but is pushed out the way by the fourth nun, who says, "Sorry father, but can I gurgle before Sister Sarah washes her pu$$y?"
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and
every time they had sex, the husband always insisted on
shutting off the lights. Well after 20 years, the wife
felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him
out of the crazy habit. So one night while they were in
the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband holding a dildo.
She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard!"
she screams. "How could you be lying to me all these
years? You better explain yourself."
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says
calmly...
"I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."

broscream

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LOL

A bus with 3 preachera and their wives plunges off a cliff, killing everyone. When they arrive at the pearly gates they are met by St. Peter, who announces step forward and be judged.

Well, the first preacher steps up boldly and says, "I've lived my life in righteous piety. May I enter into the kingdom?" St. Peter looks in his book and says, "It is true that you lived a good life. But you cannot enter. You loved money more than the Lord. You loved money so much, you even married a woman named penny. To hell you go." And with that, the preach disappeared.

The second preacher stepped forward and saud, "St. Peter, I have lived a righteous and pious life of poverty. May I enter into the kingdom?" St. Peter looks into his book and says, "It is true that you lived a good life of poverty; but no, you may not enter. You loved drink more than you loved the Lord. You loved drink so much, you even married a woman named Brandy. To hell you go." And with that, the preacher disappeared.

The last preacher seeing that it was his turn to approach, looked at his wife and said, "Come on Kat, we ain't getting in."
One day a man meet a truly fine woman in a bar. After much talking, he finally ended up at her home for some hot sex.

The next morning, he looked around the room and saw a man's picture. The lucky guy asked his lover, "You didn't tell me you were married. Is that your husband?" The lover looked at the picture and said, "No, that's not my husband."

The man asked, "Is that your boyfriend?"

The woman said, "No, that's not my boyfriend."

The man asked, "Your brother?

The woman answered, "Nope, not my brother either."

So the man finally asked, "So who is this man that you have a picture of him in your bedroom?"

The woman looked the man in the eye and said, "Oh, that's me before the operation."
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving.

"I can't take it anymore,' she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55mph mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60mph, off came her pants. At 65mph, off came her bra and at 70mph, her panties.

Now seeing his girlfriend naked for the first time and driving faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the roadway and hit a tree. Although, his girlfriend was not hurt, he was trapped behind the steering wheel. she tried and tried to pull him free, but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Soon a truck driver, seeing the naked woman, pulled over.

When he got out of the truck, the woman yelled. "Help. Help. My boyfriend," so sobbed. "He's stuck and I can pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Lady, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A clown in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her
head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A "shaggy dog" since no one can interrupt.

I was Roy's birthday. Dale was strolling through town window shopping idly looking for something to buy him. What do you get for someone who has everything.

Just then she's sees a pair of beautiful, hand-carved, painted, leather boots. She thought, "He's got boots, but those are BOOTS!"
She rushed into the shop and bought them.

The next morning when Roy arose she waited until after breakfast, and strolled across the kitchen with her hands behind her. She stopped in front of Roy, yelled, "Surprise." and handed him the boots.

Roy astonished a the beauty of boots. He shouted, "Thanks. I'm going to put on right now and take ride on Trigger!" Dale watched as he hurried to the barn, saddled Trigger, and galloped past house waving. Past the house, down the rode through the gate, out across the pasture and into the foothills he rode. Dale watched him disappear in the morning mist.

Roy galloped into the hills enjoying the vast views of his land. He was pleased. Just as he looked down at his new, shiny boots, he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. He quickly looked up. A bobcat was in mid-flight leaping at him. He quickly leaned to the side. The bobcat missed him, but caught on to his lower leg snarling and slashing. It ripped his boot to shreds.

Roy drew his six-shoot and with regret and anguished shot the animal. He looked at the dead cat, and gently picked it up and threw across Trigger's back in front of the saddle.

Dale had been waiting since the minute Roy left.

The morning wore on. No Roy.

Noon past. No Roy

The day grew into late afternoon. Still, no Roy.

Dusk. No Roy.

Night began to fall. Gazing out, far in the distance, Dale thought she saw movement. She squinted. yes. She was sure there's someone out there. She waited. The figure grew closer, but she couldn't see who it was. Then. Yes. It was Roy. She recognized Trigger.

Trigger trotted slowly across the pasture. Through the gate. Up the long road. Dale could see something was wrong.

She ran down the steps, and out into the yard. As Trigger trotted up she could Roy was O.K., but his boots. Then she noticed the bobcat thrown acroos Trigger's back.

Dale gasped, "Pardon me Roy. Is that-the-cat-that-chewed-you-new-shoes."

Hint: Musician Alert!!!

PEACE

Jim Chester

You are who you say you are. Your children are who you say you are.
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

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