Help! There is a Lack of Brothas

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Originally posted by naturallyme:
I did cut him off completely becuase I am not going to hold onto someone who doesnt know if he wants to hold on to me.

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You know what sistah. Shhh. Just stop. No more. Calm down. Don't worry about him anymore. Get your mind off that fool. These men wouldn't know a good woman if she landed flat in their faces. They're waiting for some fat ugly white bitch to come along, someone who only needs them for sex and will never require them to confront the harsh realities of manhood. But a black man who has his shit together (and consequently will have better taste in women) is waiting for you sistah. You only need to be patient. Wait on the good Spirit. And when that next prospect comes along, don't behave defensively, but guard your heart. Because you will be wiser, stronger in spirit, and ready to share a new experience with him. Your man is coming.

Thank You Rowe for your support and advice. Everything you have said is everything I knew but didnt really allow myself to believe it. Its always great to hear the words of another sista.

And thanks to the guys,AudioGuy and Kweli4Real
for the male perspective. Oh and AudiGuy I am 23 years old (but I am wiser than my years, so people tell me ) He is 26 years old. Now for the part of how long until he told me he loved me....you are so making me think hard on this one, I am the girl that cant even tell you the date of the first time we went out! I believe after 7 months he told me he loved me and it took me 4 months later for me to realize and tell him the same. I might be off by a month (give or take).

But we can end this "theraputic session" cus' I have realized that I just need to move on and not waste anymore energy on the sistuation because focusing on the sistuation is not helping me to obtain closure.

Thanks again!

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Originally posted by Rowe:
I'm really impressed with your answer. The response above, in particular, is a solid piece of advice that every woman should commit to...

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That is exactly why I advocate communication between the sexes. Sisters talking to sisters, and brothers talking to brothers is cool, but there has to be an open line of communication/dialogue between brothers and sisters in order to get a greater understanding of one another.

I hope it continues.

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Originally posted by naturallyme:
..;Oh and AudiGuy I am 23 years old...
...He is 26 years old...

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I asked because I thought that you were relatively young - you have plenty of time to recover from the madness that he created.

However you "recover", just try to remember that this has only been a small part of your life - learn from it and move on. There is no sense in carrying it with you into other relationships.

Great advice Audio Guy. Sistahs would do well to listen to a sensitive and perceptive man like you.

Thanks. That means a lot.

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Originally posted by naturallyme:
So I have been at an all time low when it comes to meeting black guys that are dateable, actually I haven't met any ever since I started grad school. I say that I am at my all time low because white men have now started looking mighty good to me, even dateable . For me that is a problem because I like to stay with my black brothas and pride myself in staying strong to that conviction. But lately I can't find any black men to socialize with or to strike some companionship with.

Now I am not talking about looking for a husband but I am just looking for good conversation and being able to socialize with other black people (especially males) and talk about just about anything. These interactions do not need to lead into a relationship (don't get me wrong that would be nice ). I have brainstormed with other female friends to figure out why is this is the case. We are women who are educated and who are doing very well for ourselves- so I would say we would make a pretty good catch, but I guess I am wrong on that one cus' we are dateless and all are conversations tend to be with each other.

So I guess I am just clueless as to why is it hard to find pockets of black people that are in our age group to be able to converse and chill with? I thought maybe it was because I was in the middle of Whiteyville but she is in the city full of black people and yet we still have this problem. Is it just us? Or are other sista's experiencing this? How do you all handle this?

Good luck with that

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Originally posted by Rowe:

I understand what you're saying, but Naturallyme doesn't strike me as someone that would pursue a thug in the first place. Naturallyme is talking about something altogether different. In her first response, she said, "Now I am not talking about looking for a husband but I am just looking for good conversation and being able to socialize with other black people (especially males) and talk about just about anything." Nowhere in her statement is there a description of a thug. The only problem that I have with her statement and those that followed is that it kind of puts men on the defense. It unfairly places the fault of not finding adequate companionship on men. Again, I think this is unfair, especially if the woman is not making and has not made a sincere and consistent effort to seek out those that would meet her requirements. Women have tendency to fall into relationships with men that do not meet their standards, then complain later about the outcome of their poorly made decision. Therefore, when they say there's a "male shortage," what they really mean is that there is a shortage of men that can replace the fool they just got rid of. As for Akilah's statements, simply because you go out and get an "education" does not mean that everyone has to subsequently follow suit nor does it make you a better catch than someone that does not have an education.

Vivica A fox [age 40+] and 50 cent [rap artist that boastfully defiles women with just about every verse]

Singer Monica and C-Murder...she got into trouble with her record label when she objected to them wanting to airbrush out an arm tattoo that proclaimed her love for rapper C-murder, who ironically is in jail for murder at the moment.

Beyonce 'I NEED A SOLDIER!!' and Jay-Z
"If his status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for him
Betta be street if he lookin' at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me"

Whitney and Bobby - nuff said

I think what fact you are missing is that often times women make love choices that are not logical to the outsiders of that relationship. 'Thugs' stir emotion in women and emotions are powerful. Women are very emotional by nature. Why do you think some many drug dealers have so many babymommas?? YES, i know you would want your daughter to date the honor student at Howard University, but HER choices are the only thing that matters. When she proudly 'stands by her man' who frequently does 'tours of duty' at the local prison [He's a SOLDIER!!!], you can better understand the current state of affairs. If she winds up being babymomma number 15 from an Ol' Dirty Bastard type of guy, you must always remember, SHE made that choice and has to live with it. Men pick women they like [they do the approaching most times], but women have the veto power to start or halt any later relationship. Question...why is she giving the green light to so many loser and abusers??

I think this is a common misunderstanding when it comes to women and relationships. What she says she wants in a man [her standards] and what/who she chooses. If and until women choose better, they actually do better.

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Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
Question...why is she giving the green light to so many loser and abusers??

I'm not too keen on taking advice, about women, from a man whose perception of women is so low that he would post tasteless pictures of them "in all varieties" on an African-American forum comprising of mainly intellectuals as a ploy to invite people into a discussion on the benefits of "diversity." A man with this type of interest in women not only possess a character that should raise some concerns, but his judgement is questionable as well. To answer your question however, women choose losers, particularly minority women, because unfortunately, there are more 'losers' in urban black communities/environments than there are men with professional jobs beyond menial, advanced degree(s), having no criminal history/record, and can function adequately without committing acts of violence to get what they want. In other words, there are far too many "Tyrones" (since black men make up most of America's prison population) available to black women and not enough Dr. Ben Carsons available (who by the way also came from a poor background and still managed to become an accomplished man). If we had more Dr. Ben Carsons and less "I-want-to-knock-your-ass-up-then-leave" types who are terribly lacking in character, values, and integrity, the black community in general would not be in the embarressing state that its in today. Therefore, to imply that black women desire men having no employment, are violent, and cannot provide for themselves is a mistake, huge mistake. "Destiny's Child" certainly cannot speak for the entire black women population, especially those over 30. And the time has long since come for men to wake up and realize how their circumstances, behavioral responses to these circumstances and subsequent choices are impacting their communities, rather than "passing the buck" and using women as scapegoats.

<--college dropout
(temporarily)

I found that when I was in school, I had multiple languages/forms of communication. The was a certain way I would talk to my benefactors/mentors (old white people), there was a way that I talked to my ex-girlfriend (black BCIS major) and there was a drastic change in how I talked to my family and homies (hood/street).

What I'm saying is most men wouldn't take the time to do that (although I did it involuntarily). We just want to be ourselves, whether we're talking to a Dentist or Pre-Law or any other grad major. Being yourself is comfortable. It doesn't mean we're losers. You want good conversation, you have to get on Mother status. Meaning we show you the same respect that we show our mothers. We watch our language, we maintain utmost respect at all times. When we answer the phone it's "Hey Babe" instead of "Sup?".

Practice a little patience with your men you encounter. Hell, we're patient with the prissy/sedity/distance from reality that women slap in our face. So yall should practice the same patience.

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Originally posted by HeruStar:
Practice a little patience with your men you encounter. So yall should practice the same patience.

I agree with your suggestion for women to become more "patient" with the brothas, with men in general. But let's have women to understand that there's a difference between being patient and being stupid. Patience should be practiced when your loved one is pursuing a better job, is working on becoming more intimate and less sexual by reciprocating your affection, or perhaps quitting a cigarette addiction. Patience should NOT be practiced when your man has not pursued a job or education since the two of you got together, makes excuses for his lack of motivation, obsessively squanders his income away on gambling and alcohol sending the both of you into debt, is physically beating up on you, and is verbally abusive and disrespectful. This type of man, I don't care what color he is, doesn't deserve your time of day, never mind your patience.

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Originally posted by HeruStar:
Practice a little patience with your men you encounter. Hell, we're patient with the prissy/sedity/distance from reality that women slap in our face. So yall should practice the same patience.

That's some women. And I don't know how 'yall do it. I don't even have the patience for prissy/sedity/distance from reality types. But as I get older I notice one thing. Some of you guys get so accustomed to dealing with/even wanting those types, it's to the point that you don't know what to do with a women who doesn't equate happiness with recieving an overprised designer purse every now and then... Some of you get used to the simplicity in that type of relationship...Those types don't make you think... So out of laziness they become the preffered type... but I digress... again...

I'm glad you said the "S" word. It's one of my favorit words this year and last. Simplicity. I find romance in simplicity. I find beauty in simplicity. Not to say that an educated sista is undesirable, but sometimes there is peace in simplicity. Don't get it twisted. I'm not intimidated by a complex intelligent woman. But sometimes while she's babbling on and on, I drift to myself and think "Why is she so impossible"

I get annoyed by simple-mindedness. However I put up with it because SHE is predictable and simple. Now if I can get a simple woman to appreciate the simple things Whoooh... that'll be good.

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Originally posted by HeruStar:
I'm glad you said the "S" word. It's one of my favorit words this year and last. Simplicity. I find romance in simplicity. I find beauty in simplicity. Not to say that an educated sista is undesirable, but sometimes there is peace in simplicity. Don't get it twisted. I'm not intimidated by a complex intelligent woman. But sometimes while she's babbling on and on, I drift to myself and think "Why is she so impossible"

I get annoyed by simple-mindedness. However I put up with it because SHE is predictable and simple. Now if I can get a simple woman to appreciate the simple things Whoooh... that'll be good.

FYI Intelligent women don't babble. (Damn you are so sexist)And simplicity does not mean simple-mindedness.

Simple minded people DO NOT appreciate the simple things in life. But they are easy to please with material goods.

Lazy and shallow eople like that type of interaction.

Now I'm lazy and shallow.

That's cute.


Better yet maybe I am lazy when it comes to relationships. I don't like to do alot of work. I put all the work in before the relationship, so that I can get better pay with less hours. Not everybody's a farmer.

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Originally posted by HeruStar:
Now I'm lazy and shallow.

That's cute.


Better yet maybe I am lazy when it comes to relationships. I don't like to do alot of work. I put all the work in before the relationship, so that I can get better pay with less hours. Not everybody's a farmer.

Only if you like to mave a materialistic relationship with women.

I told you...

I like the simple things

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Originally posted by naturallyme:
I say that I am at my all time low because white men have now started looking mighty good to me, even dateable . For me that is a problem because I like to stay with my black brothas and pride myself in staying strong to that conviction.

isn't it interesting how often educated black men have no problem with dating and marrying white women? i'm curious to know what makes us black women so loyal, especially in the face of what feels like a horrible shortage and lack of loyalty from our black male counterparts. black women often speak of interracial dating as if it's some kind of nasty plague. it's a viable option and there's nothing wrong with you for considering it. maybe it would be easier for you if you opened your search to all good men, as opposed to only black good men.

i agree also with the idea of opening your search to men who don't have the same level of education but are every bit as intelligent as you are. a man with adegree does not garantee a good conversationalist or companion. there is a great differential in education between my husband and myself. it works because i don't care about his resume, i only care about his heart.

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Originally posted by little minx:
isn't it interesting how often educated black men have no problem with dating and marrying white women...

THAT depends on the education. You won't find any non brainwashed brothers doing that.

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i'm curious to know what makes us black women so loyal...

IMHO, Black women are more cognizant of the importance of finding a suitable mate. Suitable for women usually translates into someone that you have the most in common with. For men, on the other hand, it is usually find a mate first, then find out if they are suitable. Suitable for men usually translates into as little stress as possible - white women generally don't ask a lot of questions as long as the money is right. Black women want to know as much as possible and ask a lot of questions. A good example would be Clarence Thomas' wife vs. Mayor Barry's wife. CT's wife said nothing throught his whole ordeal and stayed with him. MB's wife stayed for a minute, then got ghost (poof).

Don't get me wrong, I love my sisters and will always be with one - regardless of my educational or financial status, I am just sharing an observation.

As far as I'm concerned, Mayor Barry's wife is a saint for staying as long as she did. The man was on crack, in and out of rehab, busted with white powder pasted around his mouth corners, all while the city went to hell in a handbasket. From 1990 to 2002, he was a hot stinking mess disrespecting the hell out of his wife and family with that kind of lawless lifestyle.

Speaking in generalities, white women don't have to ask as many questions and be all up in a brotha's business because you all don't treat her like you would a sista. You wanna take a Black woman through living hell and back when she's with you, but you whip yourself into shape PRONTO as soon as Becky comes into the picture. From what I've seen, it works like this:

• Black women who ask questions are too nosey and naggy and needs to much.
  
• Black women who don't ask you a thing are pushovers who aren't "keepin it real."
  
• White women who ask questions are just concerned and trying to pamper their man and make him feel important.
  
• White women who don't ask you a thing are easy-going and relaxing.

When you meet a white woman, you're open to all the possibilities of where the relationship might go. When you meet a Black woman, you aren't looking for anything serious right now, you don't believe in commitment, blahblahbullshit. A Black woman will never do/be/say anything "right" for a man who is in reality looking for a white woman.

look at frenchy droppin that science! she's absofrigginlutely right. a black man with a black woman is a baby daddy. a black man with a white woman is a husband. i noted that when i knew two black brothers (literally). one brother was with a white girl and he was engaged (they later got married). the other was with a black woman and they'd just had a baby (no marraige in sight). too often its just the way frenchy said.

You know, we do so much talking on how women can make ourselves different or how men can be different, but we have a real numbers problem. I don't know if there is a away around it. There are simply MORE women than men.

And to compound this, black women do not have the cross-cultural cache that black men have. So, dating interracially is just not the same plan B for us that it can be for black men.

true. i'm hoping things will be better for the next generation.

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we have a real numbers problem

I agree. The number of Black men who love the skin they're in is smaller than it should be.

Seriously though, there are more white men than white women as well and when I read my Cosmo or whatever magazine articles about why (white) women can't find dates, the list seems to be completely different than what Ebony/Essense tells me. White women are told they are having trouble finding mates because they are in the wrong place at the wrong time and need to get out more. Black women are told they are having trouble finding a mate because something about them is undesireable. Then you run into Black men in real life who spout off that same thing and you end up with a whole bunch of Black women who want to know where are the brothas who actually like being Black. I don't think the question is ever really "Where are the Brothas?" as much as it's "Where are the Brothas that want a Sista?"

Off Topic: Thanks for the big up, little minx! LOL!

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Originally posted by Frenchy:
I agree. The number of Black men who love the skin they're in...

I always love the skins I'm in!!

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White women are told they are having trouble finding mates because they are in the wrong place at the wrong time and need to get out more. Black women are told they are having trouble finding a mate because something about them is undesireable...

So, if there is one, what's the solution?

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I always love the skins I'm in!!

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So, if there is one, what's the solution?

I think a large part is just recognizing that it's bull and discarding it.

Im from the UK London - and I swear it must be worse over here in finding a decent brother. It have gotten so bad many of my girlfriends are going over to the state on a hunt for a husband.

have you ever noticed how many thread topics are about not being able to find a man? maybe we sisters would do better to focus our attention elsewhere. perhaps part of the problem is that we give this waaaay too much thought. it's as if we as women are programmed to think about nothing but men in our adulthood. i understand the biological clock, but sometimes i wonder if we do ourselves a disservice by focusing so much on it. just know that i am not passing judgement. this is a new perspective for me, which i just considered at this moment. i have been known to lament the absence of eligible brothers. i'm just trying to offer a different perspective which may empower us as women. we can't change the numbers, we can't change some of the crooked brothers out there, but we can change our perspective. . .

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It have gotten so bad many of my girlfriends are going over to the state on a hunt for a husband.

Quick, somebody call Immigration and tell them to turn all that competition back at the gates . LOL!

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maybe we sisters would do better to focus our attention elsewhere. perhaps part of the problem is that we give this waaaay too much thought.

I think we already do focus our attention elsewhere, but ultimately many of us feel unfulfilled. We want/need a Black man. I think the venting is healthy. At least we know that the experience isn't unique to us as individuals. Plus, I think we seem to talk about it so much is because Black men rarely talk about it at all. They are chillin'.

Then you have those who are quick to tell Black women the reason they can't find a mate is because they have an attitude of "I have all this other stuff going on in my life, I don't need a man!"

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Originally posted by little minx:
have you ever noticed how many thread topics are about not being able to find a man? maybe we sisters would do better to focus our attention elsewhere. perhaps part of the problem is that we give this waaaay too much thought. it's as if we as women are programmed to think about nothing but men in our adulthood. i understand the biological clock, but sometimes i wonder if we do ourselves a disservice by focusing so much on it. just know that i am not passing judgement. this is a new perspective for me, which i just considered at this moment. i have been known to lament the absence of eligible brothers. i'm just trying to offer a different perspective which may empower us as women. we can't change the numbers, we can't change some of the crooked brothers out there, but we can change our perspective. . .

This is the best damn post I've seen from a woman in this entire thread--finally, a sister admits what one of the primary problems is in the disparities amongst black men and black women. In my experience, this is one of the primary problems:

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have you ever noticed how many thread topics are about not being able to find a man? maybe we sisters would do better to focus our attention elsewhere. perhaps part of the problem is that we give this waaaay too much thought. it's as if we as women are programmed to think about nothing but men in our adulthood. --little minx

Some black male friends of mine and I can personally attest to the times we've been close to marriage--both her and my parents have given us their approval--things are going fine in the relationship, and all of a sudden the mood swings and ultimatums come out of nowhere.

It's not even a matter of cold feet or wanting to be sexually explorative--it's a matter of making the right decision at the right time. Too many young sisters make this same statement, "I want to be married by the time I'm 23," and turn the act of courting into a crash course.

I can only speak for myself when I say that one of the main reasons why I'm not married now is because I did not want to go into marriage without finding myself, completing my educational endeavors, and without securing a stable career. Some sisters turn courtship into an agenda, and that agenda must be followed all the way down to how many guest invitations will be sent out regardless of the level of mental, emotional, financial or spiritual preparedness her fiancee may be in.

My question to these type of sisters is this: Why would you want to rush a brother into marriage that is unsure of himself and his future?

The main reason why so many or our marriages end up in divorce is because we go into marriage without a plan. We don't take the time to really get to know each other--our strengths, weaknesses, goals, aspirations--we don't take the time to plan how many children we want and when is a good time to bring them into the world--we don't take the time to plan for the longterm financially, and most importantly, we marry for the wrong reasons.

Some sisters think love can conquer all--love can't conquer unpaid bills, love can't conquer a mortgage, love can't conquer medical bills, love can't conquer conflict of interests, love can't conquer Jr. missing football practice because daddy was working a second job. Do you get where I'm trying to go with this?

When I marry, I want to be able to protect and provide for my wife and family through the bad times as well as the good--make the proper decisions in the face of adversity, and work through trials and tribulations together. Brothers need to be given the time to experience, mature, reflect, and grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially in order to be a viable husband, father, lover and friend.

I don't want to make marriage a crash course--learn how to develop a marriage the hard way under arduous circumstances that could have been easily avoided if more time was taken to solve any inconsistencies in the relationship before marriage.

I'm not saying brothers and sisters should be perfectly prepaired when they are married--that would be impossible--all I'm saying is that two people should be as prepared as possible to ensure love and happiness--longevity in a marriage.

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I think we already do focus our attention elsewhere, but ultimately many of us feel unfulfilled. We want/need a Black man. I think the venting is healthy. At least we know that the experience isn't unique to us as individuals. Plus, I think we seem to talk about it so much is because Black men rarely talk about it at all. They are chillin'.

Wow, Frenchy, that was a sexist remark: "I think we seem to talk about it so much because black men rarely talk about it at all. They're chillin'." As a matter of fact, a group of my boys were 'chillin' and we were talking about this very subject of marriage and women.

We're all handsome, single, educated, professional brothers with legitimate reasons for not being married--we're all in our early 30's and collectively sharing stories and ideas about sisters as we navigate our lives while in the pursuit of love and happiness. We were supposed to play cards and dominoes but we ended up talking all night about sisters, marriage, religion, politics, etc.

No, Frenchy, contrary to popular belief, there are some of us brothers out there that actually participate in a melding of the minds--we're not sitting around scratching ourselves and plotting which club we gonna hit and seek out some "ho's." There are some brothers out there that are engaged in the same types of conversations you sisters are engaged in. There are some brothers out there that are just as concerned with marriage and their future as many of you sisters are. There are some of us brothers out there that are just as frustrated as you sisters are about the biases that exist between brothers and sisters.

quote:

Originally posted by Frenchy:
As far as I'm concerned, Mayor Barry's wife is a saint for staying as long as she did. The man was on crack, in and out of rehab, busted with white powder pasted around his mouth corners, all while the city went to hell in a handbasket. From 1990 to 2002, he was a hot stinking mess disrespecting the hell out of his wife and family with that kind of lawless lifestyle.

Speaking in generalities, white women don't have to ask as many questions and be all up in a brotha's business because you all don't treat her like you would a sista. You wanna take a Black woman through living hell and back when she's with you, but you whip yourself into shape PRONTO as soon as Becky comes into the picture. From what I've seen, it works like this:

• Black women who ask questions are too nosey and naggy and needs to much.
  
• Black women who don't ask you a thing are pushovers who aren't "keepin it real."
  
• White women who ask questions are just concerned and trying to pamper their man and make him feel important.
  
• White women who don't ask you a thing are easy-going and relaxing.

When you meet a white woman, you're open to all the possibilities of where the relationship might go. When you meet a Black woman, you aren't looking for anything serious right now, you don't believe in commitment, blahblahbullshit. A Black woman will never do/be/say anything "right" for a man who is in reality looking for a white woman.

Face it, Frenchy--many sisters, women period, mess themselves up by asking for one thing but wanting another. many sisters mess themselves up by putting up with the shit they don't need to be putting up with but rejecting issues that require time and patience. Too many sisters put up with bullshit from a brother that they know many white women wouldn't put up with. So why should that biased existence be allowed to perpetuate, sisters?

It's one thing to be patient with a brother that's striving to complete his education, climb the ladder of success or get on the ladder of success or improve his personal appearance--it's quite another to put up with a sorry ass brother that doesn't have a plan, doesn't know what he wants out of life, lives off of you or other women and leaves babies around the neighborhood.

Why is it that a sister will support a sorry ass brother but run away from a decent brother that's trying to be somebody? Using the excuse of male shortage is weak and played out. Men may do the choosing but it's the women that have the veto power to keep the brother or send him on his marry little way. In the same instance, you have the power to make a brother change.

Here's where many of you sisters mess up: "...but I love him!!"

if you want to support a sorry ass brother, support him in the effort to better himself but have the willpower to kick him to the curb if he isn't fulfilling his end of the bargain. If homeboy was sorry with you, he'll be sorry with another woman. If more sisters would have the courage to stand up to these brothers instead of allowing them to act the way they do perhaps there would be more stable relationships out there.

I'm not saying it's solely the sister's job to turn these brothers around--these brothers need a good, swift kick in the ass( i.e. mentoring, positive influence, brotherhood, etc.) from "good" men.

I'm talking about inability to find a mate from a numbers perspective, not because of differing life goals, etc (which is what you seem to be talking about). Generally speaking, it seems that sistas spend more time lamenting quantity ("I can't even find someone to ask me out on a date" etc) and brothas spend more time lamenting quality ("All these women have too many kids" etc).

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Originally posted by Frenchy:
I'm talking about inability to find a mate from a numbers perspective, not because of differing life goals, etc (which is what you seem to be talking about). Generally speaking, it seems that sistas spend more time lamenting quantity ("I can't even find someone to ask me out on a date" etc) and brothas spend more time lamenting quality ("All these women have too many kids" etc).

So, what you're saying, Frenchy, is that a brother is obligated to marry a sister regardless of his standards and beliefs because a sister is single?

It isn't always necessarily the case of numbers either, Frenchy. I've witnessed my own two sisters, as well as a number of black females that were friends of the family, run brothers off because they felt a brother might not meet the criteria of what her 'girlfriends' would approve of.

Some sisters are truly their own worst enemy, and I'm speaking as a witness and as a personal victim to the unwise decisions some sisters make in dating and relationships. I'm in no way saying I'm innocent but I'm also saying that sisters are in no way 100% innocent of the ordeal they are faced with themselves.

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So, what you're saying, Frenchy, is that a brother is obligated to marry a sister regardless of his standards and beliefs because a sister is single?

No. How are you drawing that conclusion?

I'm drawing to a certain conclusion because of this statement, Frenchy:

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Generally speaking, it seems that sistas spend more time lamenting quantity ("I can't even find someone to ask me out on a date" etc) and brothas spend more time lamenting quality ("All these women have too many kids" etc). --Frenchy

Are you saying that brothers should forego quality because of sheer numbers of available black women?

I know this is off subject but it's relative to the point I'm trying to make: I worked in an area where I was the only black man and a new employee was the only black woman. All of our white co-workers singled us out and tried to encourage us to date.

It would have worked except she was very insecure. To make a long story short, she ended up letting a brother, a prison guard, shack up with her because his water heater broke. Heheheheh. Okay, the point is, why should black men and black women be paired up because the numbers work, regardless of compatability, love interest, etc. just because we are black?

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Are you saying that brothers should forego quality because of sheer numbers of available black women?

No, I'm just commenting on what I see Black men and women talking about when they get together and talk about the dating scene. Just something that illustrates to me the different ways that we experience dating (or lack thereof). I'm not making any suggestions for what Black men need to do. Their blues aint like mine.

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Originally posted by Frenchy:

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Are you saying that brothers should forego quality because of sheer numbers of available black women?

No, I'm just commenting on what I see Black men and women talking about when they get together and talk about the dating scene. Just something that illustrates to me the different ways that we experience dating (or lack thereof). I'm not making any suggestions for what Black men need to do. Their blues aint like mine.

Our blues may not be like yours but they are blues just the same.

Anyways, I hate blues--I love women too much to let the negative experiences of others, even my own negative experiences, get me down. I don't know where you live, Frenchy, but the pickings are slim down here too. In Alabama, if you don't get married with the rest of the cows and sheep, in your early 20's, you get left out.

I don't share that brain dead, cornfed mentality, primarily because half the people I know that followed that dogma are either divorced with kids or working on their second marriage and haven't even hit 35 yet.

Meanwhile, I'm 33, and I have the rest of my life to look forward too

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Our blues may not be like yours but they are blues just the same.

Point taken. Though, I'd rather trade positions.

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In Alabama, if you don't get married with the rest of the cows and sheep, in your early 20's, you get left out.

I can relate. At 24, I'm considered a spinster .

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Originally posted by IRONHORSE:

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Originally posted by Frenchy:
I'm talking about inability to find a mate from a numbers perspective, not because of differing life goals, etc (which is what you seem to be talking about). Generally speaking, it seems that sistas spend more time lamenting quantity ("I can't even find someone to ask me out on a date" etc) and brothas spend more time lamenting quality ("All these women have too many kids" etc).

So, what you're saying, Frenchy, is that a brother is obligated to marry a sister regardless of his standards and beliefs because a sister is single?

It isn't always necessarily the case of numbers either, Frenchy. I've witnessed my own two sisters, as well as a number of black females that were friends of the family, run brothers off because they felt a brother might not meet the criteria of what her 'girlfriends' would approve of.

Some sisters are truly their own worst enemy, and I'm speaking as a witness and as a personal victim to the unwise decisions some sisters make in dating and relationships. I'm in no way saying I'm innocent but I'm also saying that sisters are in no way 100% innocent of the ordeal they are faced with themselves.

Speaking of "Girlfriends", I saw a new episode where Joan saw William with another woman. William wasn't serious with his date, because he still have feelings for Joan. If she doesn't come to grips with her feelings for William, she's gonna be a old maid. Sad part is, I'm too crazy about the show. Those females are living for each other's acceptance.

Sooner or later, whether on a show or real life, a woman of any race who's in love with a decent man, and yet still have close girlfriends, will have to ask this question:

Who's going to date/marry, have sex and/or bear children with this guy? Me...or my girlfriends?