I am going through a soul searching phase in my life and looking for some source of...redemption(?) I don't care what you have to say to this post, if anything at all, I simply feel the need to get this off my chest, and what better place then on the internet and to the intelligencia of my past enemy.
As an early teen I was frustrated and angry at the way things seemed to be. I would see fellow black students behaving in a very loud and arrogant manner, and I would think to myself, how can they be like this, when they have accomplished so little? I would see my fellow white students behaving sometimes in a bizarrely submissive manner, and I would think to myself, how can they be like this, when they have accomplished so much? I became more and more frustrated and enraged over matters such as these.
White brethren wanting to tan themselves, changing their skin because they thought themselves less attractice as white, this enfuriated me. I would see white males walking about, dressed like some black rapper they saw on TV, trying to emulate themselves into Black culture so desperately, I wanted to puke, cry, and bash their traitorous skull in all at the same time.
A neighbor of mine matched this very description, the ultimate Wigger. One day we were at the busstop, and embroiled in my own inner conflicts, I looked at him, and lashed out, knocking out two of his teeth and giving me a suspension and my parents a lawsuit, this was 7th grade, and I was devastated, I can't tell you how many hours I cried, I was such a pussy.
I was still angry though, and began surfing the internet for people like me, I found this fairly quickly, and not even agreeing with many of their views, I decided I wanted to be a neo Nazi, to belong and have some source of power, and stop being so god damn lonely with my views. I met with 2 guys who lived near me once, I didn't see a spark of intelligence, and already troubled over the fact that I didn't hate Jews, or the American Government, I decided not to go down that road again.
A teacher of mine spoke to my parents, and they decided I needed therapy, so I started talking to this guy, and he helped me turn my focus from race, to individuals. I learned how to control my anger. Slowly I began to calm, and starting on my own new clean slate, at a different school, I began making new friends, getting a social life, all with people who I did not judge upon their race.
I think I am fairly recovered now, and I feel that my last step is this, admitting what I was to the people I hate, and understanding that I can and will change. Thank you for your reading.