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Dear Earthling,

Hello!

I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this posted message by this unsuspecting user. As you are reading it I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling.


Please pass me on to someone else because I am really horny.

La Femme Nkechi ...
Be the change in the world you want to see...and... When you know better, do better
Original Post
There was a rich man and a poor man talking. The poor man asked the rich man,"What did you get your wife for Christmas," and he said a Lexus and a fur coat!" So the poor man said Okay! Then the rich man asked the poor man,"What did you get your wife?"and the poor man said,"Some slippers and a vibrator." The rich man said, "why did you buy her that?" and the poor man said, " I figure if she don't like the slippers she can go phuck herself!"

Ha Ha Ha! big grin

------------------------------
The Lord is on my side;I will not fear:what can man do unto me?
(Psalms 118:6)


If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any
breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon,
for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't
getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's
walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?" wink
One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the
Barber replies: I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next
morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.

The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

A Brother goes for a haircut and he too goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am
doing a community Service.


The Brother is, of course, very happy and leaves the shop. Well now, the next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what HE finds there ?

A DOZEN BROTHAS WAITING FOR A FREE
HAIRCUT...............

those who stand for nothing fall for anything
  1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
  2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
  3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
  4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
  5. It is important that these four men never meet. eek
Two little brothers come downstairs to get breakfast before going to grade school. The mother asks the older brother, "What would you like for breakfast?" The older brother says, "Give me some mfkg oatmeal". The mother backhands the older boy across the face and sends him flying out of his chair and onto the floor, crashing against the wall. The mother then asks the younger boy what he would like for breakfast. The younger boy looks over at his brother and then back to his mother and says, "I sure don't want any mfkg oatmeal".
Once a long time ago an old farmer and his newly wed wife decided to take a trip into town for their honeymoon. They get to town check, into the saloon and enjoy their honeymoon. The next day they head back home an as they are playing lovey-dovey games the horse steps into a hole and trips. The farmer calmly gets out walks up to the horse and grabs it by the bridal and says "that's one". Then he gets back into the wagon and continues on the way home. Once again the horse steps into a hole and stumbles and the farmer once again walks up to the horse, grabs the horse by the bridal and says "that's two". He gets back in the wagon and continues home and about 100 yards from the house the horse hits another hole and stumbles. This time the farmer gets out of the wagon, pulls out his rifle and shoots the horse between the eyes. The wife not believing what she has seen starts yelling at the farmer, "You idiot, we were only 100 yards from the house, why did you shoot the horse". The farmer walks over to his wife looks her in the eyes and says "that's one" ............. l
romance mathematics-

smart man + smart woman = romance

smart man + dumb woman = affair

dumb man + smart woman = marriage

dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


office arithmetic


smart boss + smart employee = profit

smart boss + dumb employee = production

dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


shopping math


a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn


general equations & statistics


a woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

a successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

a successful woman is one who can find such a man.



happiness


to be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little.

to be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.



appearance


men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

women somehow deteriorate during the night.



propensity to change


a woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn

a man marries a woman expecting that she won change, and she does.



discussion technique


a woman has the last word in any argument.

anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A ventriloquist is going through his routine of jokes about mentally challenged blondes when a blonde jumps up and says, "I have had enough about you making fun of us. We are human and we have feelings. Why are you always picking on us and making us the object of ridicule all the time?" The ventriloquist starts to apologize when the blonde says, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that jerk sitting in your lap."
A patient goes in to see his doctor. The doctor comes in and tells the patient, "Well, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The patient says, "Well, doc, give me the good news first." The doc says, "You have twenty four hours to live." The patient says, "Well what in the world is the bad news?" The doctor responds, "I forgot to tell you yesterday."
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.He came to the doorstep
of a
house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money. I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex,
and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.
A bus carrying 3 preachers and their wives to a convention plunges over a cliff sending all of them to their deaths. Upon arrival at the pearly gates, the first preacher steps forward and announces his arrival. But is stopped by St. Peter. St. Peter tells him, "We have no place for the likes of you. You are a man who loved money more than the Lord. You loved money so much you married a woman named Penny. So to hell you go." And the preacher vanished.

Seeing this the second minister stepped forward with confidence for he had given away all of his money years before and chose to live in poverty. But St. Peter told him, "We have no place for the likes of you. You are a man that loved the fruit of the vine more than you loved the Lord. You loved drink so much that you married a woman named Brandy. To hell you go." And the second preacher vanished.

Upon seeing this the third preacher turned to his wife and said, "Let's go Kat. They ain't got no room."
*The Difference Between Men and Women* - Author Unknown

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -
even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is
shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help
the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel
so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There
is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to
come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he
thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into
his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says. "Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place,
he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes
deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two
South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice
in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way
he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks,
maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Author unknown ...

The wise woman wishes to be no one's enemy, the wise woman refuses to be anyone's victim. -Maya Angelou
Here is one my cousin sent me:

"Communication Problem"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
This isn't a joke, it's a news of the weird, from Australia Blind, disabled 'should be able to fly':

By MATTHEW DENHOLM Work and Family Reporter
27sep02
THE physically and mentally disabled may no longer be barred from becoming pilots or air traffic controllers.

Eyesight and other medical tests imposed on flight crew have been found to be in breach of anti-discrimination laws.

The finding, by the Federal Attorney General's Department has created fears air safety regulators will be hit with discrimination complaints.

Civil Aviation Safety Authority lawyers have made an urgent application to the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission for an exemption from federal Sex and Disability Discrimination Acts.

Under CASA rules, pilots, flight navigators, flight engineers and air traffic controllers must past strict eyesight and hearing tests.

They are also refused licences if they have heart, respiratory, immune system and blood pressure conditions which could affect safety.

In some cases, pregnant women or those with severe menstrual problems can also be barred.

CASA is confident the commission will back its call for an exemption to allow the medical standards to continue.

But its application – subject to a commission inquiry – is complicated by union fears about a wider agenda.

CASA plans to subject cabin crew to medical tests similar to those applied to pilots.

The Flight Attendant's Association fears the tests could be used to exclude crew who are overweight, short or suffer from minor complaints such as asthma.

"We don't want a one-size fits all medical approach," association official Guy Mclean said. The union has sought talks with the commission to discuss CASA's bid for an exemption to the discrimination Acts.

And it wants CASA to clarify its plans.

CASA spokesman Peter Gibson warned any delay to the granting of an exemption could leave the way open to discrimination complaints.

"Clearly it's in our interests for the commission to make a determination as soon as it possibly can," he said.

"Without [enforceable medical standards] you would not be able to guarantee the safety of flights because you couldn't guarantee that pilots were safe to carry out their jobs."
Blacks to whites:

COLOR
When I was born, I was black.
When I grow up, I'm black.
When I'm ill, I'm black.
When I go out in the sun, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I die, I'm black.

But you -

When you're born, you're pink.
When you grow up, you're white.
When you're ill, you're green.
When you go out in the sun, you go red.
When you're cold, you go blue.
When you die, you're purple.

And you have the nerve to call me colored?

smile
S t . M o m ' s W o r t

Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
_____________________________

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n

Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
_____________________________

P e p t o b i m b o

Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and improves flirting.
______________________________

D u m e r o l

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment
of country western music.
______________________________

F l i p i t o r

Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.
______________________________

A n t i b o y o t i c s

When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
______________________________

M e n i c i l l i n

Potent antiboyotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as, "You
make me want to be a better person ...
can we get naked now?"
______________________________

B u y a g r a

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
______________________________

Extra Strength Buy-One-all

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD
or a book by Dr. Laura.
______________________________

J a c k A s s p i r i n

Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
______________________________

A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.
______________________________

S e x c e d r i n

Bedroom aerosol spray for men.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
______________________________

R a g a m e t

When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend,
saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very
dark night
and in the middle of a storm. The night was cold and no cars
went by, the
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of
him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy
without thinking
about it got in the car closes the door just to realize
there's nobody
behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at
the road and sees
a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for
his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the
curve, a hand
appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy,
paralyzed in terror
watched how the hand appears every time they are before a
curve.

The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to
the nearest
town. Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks for two
shots of
tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible
experience he went
through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was
crying and
wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina
and one said to
the other. "Look Pepe, that's the weird nut that jumped in
the car when we
were
pushing it."
An 92 year old man meets a 19 year old woman in a bar. After several drinks, the couple hurries out of the bar, runs across the street into the motel. They get a room and can bearly contain themselves. They get in the room, fall on the bed and begin passionately kissing. Off come the clothes and after some effort, the old man enters his young mate.

After several hours of wild sex, the old man looks over and says," Dearly, you were so tight. I'm sorry. If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken my time and made love to you right." The young woman just laughed and said, "Old man, if I had known you could get it up, I would have taken off my panty-hose."
* marriage=the most expensive way to get your laundry and house cleaned for free

* first guy: "My wife is an angel"
second guy: "Man you lucky, cuz my wife is still alive"

* Having sex with your pregnant wife, is like putting gas in your car after you wrecked it smile
Jim went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, Jim went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Jim that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

Jim thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says Jim. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance... eek
welcome to the boards Melesi!! you'll get the hang of it.

you have 60 mins after you post to go back and edit something you've posted or even delete it if it hasn't been replied to. you can try on those above if you still have time. other wise you can send a private message to MBM (the host) and ask them to be removed. OR--we can just save them for prosperity!!! smile

welcome!! big grin

Don't make me come down there. --God
1. You can kill your own food.

2. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

3. You know stuff about military tanks.

4. You can open your own jars.

5. A five-day vacation takes one suitcase.

6.You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

7. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

8. If a friend forgets to invite you to something, he's still your friend.

9. Your underwear is cheap.

10. If you are 34 and single, nobody cares.

11. Everything on your face stays its original color.

12. You never use the passenger-side brake pedal.

13. Three pairs of shoes are enough.

14. You can watch an entire game without talking and never think, "He must be mad at me."

15. Your friends never trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"

16. You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

17. You don't have to know more than five colors.

18. The same hairstyle lasts for years.

19. You don't have to shave below your neck.

20. Belching can be fun.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as
he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put
to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the
answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept
her price.

First, the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights
of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was
horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage,
made obscene noises ... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant
creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure
such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that
nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and
the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants is
to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch
granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch
put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.

The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience,
entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful
woman he'd ever seen lay before him!

The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that
since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would
henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other
half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be
during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a
beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch,
but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own
choice.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.


What is the moral of this story?

The moral is: If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.

Don't make me come down there. --God
1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Don't make me come down there. --God

[This message was edited by Nykkii on October 14, 2002 at 12:54 PM.]
The CIA Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists...

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes , "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair."
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had
a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?".
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
A husband asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear – everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -- the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of this story:

Even when the man is listening, he's still going to be wrong.


big grin TeeHeee, yuk, yuk, yuk yuk yuk, big grin!!
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have been killed, and over a million injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community is sending food and money.

The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park....

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.... The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again....

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there....

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered:
"Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Big Grin
A cab driver stops to pick up a nun in a rather seedy neighborhood. As she gets into the cab the cabbie catches a flash of thigh peeking out from underneath her habit. The cabbie gets to thinking, "Hummm, I wonder?" So he asks the nun, "Sister, do nuns think about sex?" The nun answered, "Well, certainly. But we are the brides of Christ, so until that day, we abstine."

The cab then asks, "Well, can you kiss?" And the nun responds, "Well, I see nothing wrong with a kiss." Emboldened the cabbie asks the Nun for a kiss.

The nun tells the cabbie, "I would only kiss a man who is a devout Catholic, has never been married and has no children." The cabbie smiles and says, "You're in luck Sister, I'm a devout Catholic, have no children and have never been married."

So the nun gives the cabbie a full on wet kiss.

As they pull up to the Nun's stop, the Cabbie stricken with guilt says, "Sister, I lied to you. I'm really a married Baptist with 4 children. Will you please forgive me? You see since I was young, I've had this fantasy about Nuns." The Nun looks over her shoulder and says, "Of course I'll forgive you, if you forgive me. You see, actually my name is Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party.""
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.


Oh, wait, you misread it...

please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.

MEN--is this true??? hehehehe Big Grin

holiday warning: the consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whipsering when you are not--cheers!
knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

LOL Big Grin Razz

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
quote:
Originally posted by Nykkii:
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.


Oh, wait, you misread it...

please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.

MEN--is this true???


No, she could be short...... Wink
Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here.
The old man said, "Thank you," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him again and walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine, somewhat annoyed at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you again tomorrow, Sir!
Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is part of an open letter to Dr Laura penned by a listener, which was posted on the Internet:


Dear Dr Laura:

...learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.

  • I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.

    In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

  • I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24).

    The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

  • Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.

    Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

  • I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.

    Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

  • A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.

    I don't agree. Can you settle this?

  • Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.

    Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

  • Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.

    How should they die?

  • I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

  • My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.

    Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16)

    Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

  • When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.

    Should I smite them?


I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

At a recent medical convention, a British doctor bragged, In England, the state of medicine is so advanced, we can transplant a kidney into a patient and they're up and looking for work in 12 months!"

To this, an Indian doctor replied, "That's nothing. In my beloved India, we can do a lung transplant and the patient will be up and looking for work in 6 months!"

To this, a Russian doctor stated, "Well, in my beloved Russia, we have taken half a heart from one patient and transplanted it into a second patient, and they're both up and looking for work in three months!"

Not to be outdone, an American doctor said, "Hey boys, that's nothing. In the good ole US of A, we took an A--Hole from texas, put him in the White House and Hell, by next month we'll all be looking for work!"

[This message was edited by Kweli4Real on January 29, 2003 at 02:34 PM.]
- ONLY IN AMERICA

1. Only in America...... can a pizza get to
your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

5. Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the

driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
,all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.When I was 16,
I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate
girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a dramaqueen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some
stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that,
I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. At 28, I found an exciting girl,
but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling
on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made
me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very
energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on
the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned. Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

Cool

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
THERE WAS THIS OLD MAN THAT HAD A BAD STUTTERING PROBLEM. HE WOULD HAS TAKE HIS DOG HUNTING WITH HIM, BUT ONE DAY THE DOG GOT LOST, AND THE OLD MAN WAS VERY SAD. HE LOST HIS ONLY FRIEND. HE LOOKED FOR THAT DOG DAY AND NIGHT FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS, BUT FINALLY GAVE UP. HE WENT TO TOWN ONE DAY AND LOW AND BEHOLD HE SAW HIS DOG TIED IN THE BACK YARD OF SOMEONE ELSE'S YARD. HE WENT TO THE DOOR AND KNOCKED. A MAN CAME TO THE DOOR."MAY I HELP YOU?" THE OLD MAN SAID"Y-Y-YES, T-T-THAT'S M-M-MY D-D-DOG". THE MAN OF THE HOUSE SAID" NO, I HAD THAT DOG FOR MONTHS". THE OLD MAN SAID "H-H-HE W-W-WAS L-L-LOST.C-C-CAN I P-P-P-PLEASE HAVE M-MY D-D-DOG B-B-BACK?" "WELL, LET'S SEE WHO THE DOG WILL COME TO", THE MAN OF THE HOUSE SAID. THEY WALKED WHERE THE DOG WAS, AND THE MAN OF THE HOUSE CALLED THE DOG THREE TIMES BUT HE WOULD NOT MOVE. THE OLD MAN CALLED HIM NEXT. "C-C-OME H-H-HERE B-B-BOY!" THE DOG JUMPED UP, EAR STOOD STRAIGHT IN THE AIR AND SAID "B-B-BOW W-W-WOW!" 20 20

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT WAS LAME. WHEN I HEARD IT I FELL OUT LAUGHING. HOPE Y'ALL LIKE IT!
Secret To A Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot that poor animal? Are you crazy?"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment...we have lived happily ever after.
quote:
Originally posted by donna12:
THERE WAS THIS OLD MAN THAT HAD A BAD STUTTERING PROBLEM. HE WOULD HAS TAKE HIS DOG HUNTING WITH HIM, BUT ONE DAY THE DOG GOT LOST, AND THE OLD MAN WAS VERY SAD. HE LOST HIS ONLY FRIEND. HE LOOKED FOR THAT DOG DAY AND NIGHT FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS, BUT FINALLY GAVE UP. HE WENT TO TOWN ONE DAY AND LOW AND BEHOLD HE SAW HIS DOG TIED IN THE BACK YARD OF SOMEONE ELSE'S YARD. HE WENT TO THE DOOR AND KNOCKED. A MAN CAME TO THE DOOR."MAY I HELP YOU?" THE OLD MAN SAID"Y-Y-YES, T-T-THAT'S M-M-MY D-D-DOG". THE MAN OF THE HOUSE SAID" NO, I HAD THAT DOG FOR MONTHS". THE OLD MAN SAID "H-H-HE W-W-WAS L-L-LOST.C-C-CAN I P-P-P-PLEASE HAVE M-MY D-D-DOG B-B-BACK?" "WELL, LET'S SEE WHO THE DOG WILL COME TO", THE MAN OF THE HOUSE SAID. THEY WALKED WHERE THE DOG WAS, AND THE MAN OF THE HOUSE CALLED THE DOG THREE TIMES BUT HE WOULD NOT MOVE. THE OLD MAN CALLED HIM NEXT. "C-C-OME H-H-HERE B-B-BOY!" THE DOG JUMPED UP, EAR STOOD STRAIGHT IN THE AIR AND SAID "B-B-BOW W-W-WOW!" 20 20

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT WAS LAME. WHEN I HEARD IT I FELL OUT LAUGHING. HOPE Y'ALL LIKE IT!


laugh
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Secret To A Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot that poor animal? Are you crazy?"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment...we have lived happily ever after.



laugh
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. Kennedy kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All Blair did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared.

"No!" Bush said. "I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"

The devil opened a third door. In it George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle position. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said... "Monica, you're free to go!"
This is actually a real news story ... but I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it! And it did make me laugh. Big Grin

Naked man arrested for concealed weapon
Sat Nov 4, 12:41 AM ET


A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors "” naked "” and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.

The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.

John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

"You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said.

Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.

Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon.

"When you're talking about an awl or an ice pick and you're dealing with somebody who's fresh out of prison, it's a weapon. That's a stabbing instrument," Horgan said.

It was not immediately clear what Sheehan was on parole for. A person answering the phone at the jail Friday night did not know whether Sheehan had a lawyer.
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow , Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?

"The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"!

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom ,and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.

"The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times....
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in
fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
"Am I wrong for laughing at a man that's cockeyed... and he drives a Ford Focus?"

"Am I wrong for laughing at a one armed man... when complains about second hand smoke?"

Q: What do call a fat girl in L.A.?
A: A tourist.

Jokes courtesy of Ron G. from the show called "Who's Got Jokes" on TVOne
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.

"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture.

Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied. "Oh yes," said the young man,

"I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row.

I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again,the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.

Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked

"To get my teeth!"
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
A man is standing on top a mountain talking to God. The man asks, "Dear Lord, is it true that a million years is but a second to You?" God replies, "That is true." Then the man asks, "Is it also true that a million dollars is but a penny to You, Lord?" God answers, "That is also true, my son." So the man, actually thinking he can outwit the Almighty, asks, "Can I have a penny?" And God answers, "Just a second."
Hillary at an Elementary School

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
A mail man was finally retiring after 40 years of delivering mail on the same route. Neither snow or rain, nor heat nor hail prevented him from making a single delivery. As you would imagine, the residents on his route were sorry to see him go.

At each delivery, the residents gave him tokens of their appreciation. He got cards full of money, freshly baked cakes, pies and cookies and the such.

As he arrived at the last house on the route, he found the door wide open. Concerned, the mail man poked his head in a called out to the residents, "Uhm, Mr. Smith? Mrs. Smith? Is anyone home? Is everything alright?

Just then Mrs. Smith walked to the door completely naked. Mrs. Smith then grabbed the mail man by the hand and led him to the bedroom. Immediately upon arriving to the bedroom, Mrs. Smith pushed the mail man to the bed and proceeded to make wild and passionate love with him.

After a couple of hours, she stood up and handed the mail man a single dollar, and led the completely satisfied mail man to the kitchen where Mrs. Smith cooked him a wonderful lunch.

As soon as the mail man had finished, Mrs. Smith took the mail man by the hand, led him to the front door and pushed him out.

As the Mail man was headed out the door, he said, "Lord knows I'm not complaining, but what was that all about."

Mrs. Smith responded, "Well, I was just doing what my husband suggested." Mrs. Smith went on to explain: "When I told my husband that I had heard that this was your last day on the job after more than 40 years of delivering the mail. I don't know you well, but I know that in the 3 years we've lived here you have never missed a day. And, when I asked him what I should give you as a token of our appreciation, he told me: 'Fu*k him, give him a dollar' ... the lunch was my idea." lol
It's an oldie from Redd Foxx

A woman comes into the doctor with uncontrollable sneezes.....she says:

"Doc, I don't know what it is...I can't stop sneezing, and everytime I do.....I climax."

So the Doc says: "well what are you doing for it."

She says: "sniffing pepper"

lol
This one is called:

Dark in Here!

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the
boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold"

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost I'm taking you to church, to confession."

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet now."

laugh
An old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank"

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

" I see, " says the manager "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?


A cherry float.

******************

Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?


To find a tight seal.

**********************

Two sperm are swimming along and the one is starting to get tired. He asks his buddy, "How far do you think is it to the uterus? I'm getting pretty tired!"

His buddy says, "I'm not sure but I think it's a long way; we just passed the adams apple."


*************************

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 5-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
BRAIN CRAMPS

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss America 1995 from Alabama Heather Whitestone

*******************

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Popular Pop Singer Mariah Carey

***********************

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
(During an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.) Model, movie and TV actress Brooke Shields

***************************

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--University of Kentucky Basketball Forward Winston Bennett

**********************

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry

*******************

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."-- A congressional candidate in Texas

*****************************

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies Manager Danny Ozark

************************

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore

************************

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore

**************************

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

******************

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves, How much clean air do we need?" --Chrysler Chairman and CEO Lee Iacocca

***********************

The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --NFL Quarterback and Sports Analyst Joe Theisman

***********************

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." ---ROTC Instructor Colonel Gerald Wellman

***********************

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery....(who?)

**********************

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Greenville, South Carolina Department of Social Services

************************

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."---FCC Chairman Mark S. Fowler
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

***********************

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes,the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

***********************

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."
My wife just sent me this via e-mail.


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day
How to impress a woman:

Compliment her.
Respect her.
Honour her.
Cuddle her.
Kiss her.
Caress her.
Loveher.
Stroke her.
Tease her.
Please her.
Comfort her.
Protect her.
Hug her.
Hold her.
Spend money on her.
Wine and dine her.
Buy things for her.
Listen to her.
Care for her.
Stand by her.
Support her.
Hold her.
Go to the ends of the Earth for her.

How to impress a man:
Show up in revealing attire.
Bring food.
The Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
This Year's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
"I'm from the Government and I'm here to help you."

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me.

See this card?

The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm work.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

"YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!"
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
"I'm from the Government and I'm here to help you."

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me.

See this card?

The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm work.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

"YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!"



hahahahaha! That was too cute, Fabulous!

"Wisdom Is A Woman Laughin!"
So i met this girl who worked at starbucks, and i worked up the courage to ask her on a date. After a couple conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn't really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unzipped my jeans, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally gets all the way down, looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I've ever seen and says "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast" and I'm like "No way, you had candy for breakfast?" She replies, "Not candy! Reese's puffs cereal!" So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter taste.
quote:
Originally posted by AlwaysFidelis:
So i met this girl who worked at starbucks, and i worked up the courage to ask her on a date. After a couple conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn't really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unzipped my jeans, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally gets all the way down, looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I've ever seen and says "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast" and I'm like "No way, you had candy for breakfast?" She replies, "Not candy! Reese's puffs cereal!" So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter taste.


Confused I don't get it.
quote:
Originally posted by AlwaysFidelis:
So i met this girl who worked at starbucks, and i worked up the courage to ask her on a date. After a couple conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn't really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unzipped my jeans, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally gets all the way down, looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I've ever seen and says "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast" and I'm like "No way, you had candy for breakfast?" She replies, "Not candy! Reese's puffs cereal!" So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter taste.

Um . . . AF . . . are you trying to share with us that your body parts taste like candy-flavored cereal? Or, that girl really wasn't a month older than you? 19

Either way I'm tellin'!
This is plain ole mean-spirited.

Loyalty in marriage

Just a wee story about loyalty in marriage...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired,you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."


Eek
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
This is plain ole mean-spirited.

Loyalty in marriage

Just a wee story about loyalty in marriage...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired,you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."


Eek


lol
This is just wrong...

WE'VE ALL SPOKEN TO HIM

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.


The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'


Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'


The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow , Pink and Green '


Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'


The manager said, 'Go ahead.'


Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow, this is Mujibar.'


Mujibar now works at a call center.


No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
A Great Canadian Joke



The Canadian Mounties always get their man!

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked RCMP for help. Within a minute RCMP e-mailed the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair of your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....
Originally posted by EbonyRose
quote:
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair of your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....


fro 20 Thanks Sista EbonyRose....I needed a good laugh. Whew! lol fro
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'


'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start? 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. In the bathtub and on the living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that. 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.


The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.' And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with. 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment? 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.


Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger?"


The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know" said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.


"OK!", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama ... when you don't know shit?"


Big Grin
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger?"


The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know" said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.


"OK!", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama ... when you don't know shit?"


Big Grin


Big Grin lol laugh 20 Girl, you've just made my week. I'm stealing this joke for work today.
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger?"


The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know" said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.


"OK!", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama ... when you don't know shit?"


Big Grin


20 Good one ER! tfro
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger?"


The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know" said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.


"OK!", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama ... when you don't know shit?"


Big Grin


on da flo

laughin' my a** off 20

Good one EbonyRose
WARNING: ADULT HUMOR

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

****************************

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Eek

***********************************

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

******************************


Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

*************************************

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

*************************************

Q. Do you know how New
Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

***************************************

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

****************************************

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

****************************************

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

******************************

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

**********************************

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

*************************************

Q: What's the
difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

***************************************

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

****************************************


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

***********************************


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

**********************************

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

************************************

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

************************************

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when
they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!
quote:

WARNING: ADULT HUMOR

"Sex Therapy for Seniors"
A Green Valley couple, both well into their 80s, go to
a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed
that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual
advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's
absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse.

He thanks them for coming in, and then wishes

them good luck. He charges them $50.00 and
he says good bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks
the sex therapist to watch again.


The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but again agrees.

This goes on for several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no
problems, pays the doctor and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.....Just
what are you trying to find out?'


The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married - we can't go to her house.
I'm married - we can't go to my house. The holiday Inn
charges $98.00.

The Hilton charges $139.00.

We do it here for $50.00, and I get $43.00 back from Medicare.
***WARNING: ADULT HUMOR***

Garbage Bags


A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a
while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a
policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out
of your bag.' 'Oh, really? Darn,' says the little old lady. 'I'd better
go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me...'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that
money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?' 'Oh, no,' says the little old
lady. You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium
parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence
into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge
clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab
it and I say, ''$20 or off it comes!'' '

'OK, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'So, good luck. Oh, by the
way, what's in the other bag?' 'Well, you know', says the little old
lady, 'not everybody pays.'
quote:
Originally posted by kresge:
quote:

WARNING: ADULT HUMOR

"Sex Therapy for Seniors"
A Green Valley couple, both well into their 80s, go to
a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed
that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual
advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's
absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse.

He thanks them for coming in, and then wishes

them good luck. He charges them $50.00 and
he says good bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks
the sex therapist to watch again.


The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but again agrees.

This goes on for several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no
problems, pays the doctor and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.....Just
what are you trying to find out?'


The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married - we can't go to her house.
I'm married - we can't go to my house. The holiday Inn
charges $98.00.

The Hilton charges $139.00.

We do it here for $50.00, and I get $43.00 back from Medicare.


OMG! ek

20

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