So i met this girl who worked at starbucks, and i worked up the courage to ask her on a date. After a couple conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn't really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unzipped my jeans, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally gets all the way down, looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I've ever seen and says "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast" and I'm like "No way, you had candy for breakfast?" She replies, "Not candy! Reese's puffs cereal!" So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter taste.
quote:
Originally posted by AlwaysFidelis:
So i met this girl who worked at starbucks, and i worked up the courage to ask her on a date. After a couple conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn't really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unzipped my jeans, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally gets all the way down, looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I've ever seen and says "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast" and I'm like "No way, you had candy for breakfast?" She replies, "Not candy! Reese's puffs cereal!" So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter taste.


Confused I don't get it.
quote:
Originally posted by AlwaysFidelis:
So i met this girl who worked at starbucks, and i worked up the courage to ask her on a date. After a couple conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn't really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unzipped my jeans, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally gets all the way down, looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I've ever seen and says "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast" and I'm like "No way, you had candy for breakfast?" She replies, "Not candy! Reese's puffs cereal!" So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter taste.

Um . . . AF . . . are you trying to share with us that your body parts taste like candy-flavored cereal? Or, that girl really wasn't a month older than you? 19

Either way I'm tellin'!
This is plain ole mean-spirited.

Loyalty in marriage

Just a wee story about loyalty in marriage...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired,you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."


Eek
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
This is plain ole mean-spirited.

Loyalty in marriage

Just a wee story about loyalty in marriage...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired,you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."


Eek


lol
This is just wrong...

WE'VE ALL SPOKEN TO HIM

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.


The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'


Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'


The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow , Pink and Green '


Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'


The manager said, 'Go ahead.'


Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow, this is Mujibar.'


Mujibar now works at a call center.


No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
A Great Canadian Joke



The Canadian Mounties always get their man!

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked RCMP for help. Within a minute RCMP e-mailed the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair of your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....
Originally posted by EbonyRose
quote:
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair of your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....


fro 20 Thanks Sista EbonyRose....I needed a good laugh. Whew! lol fro
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'


'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start? 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. In the bathtub and on the living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that. 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.


The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.' And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with. 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment? 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.


Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger?"


The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know" said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.


"OK!", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama ... when you don't know shit?"


Big Grin
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger?"


The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know" said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.


"OK!", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama ... when you don't know shit?"


Big Grin


Big Grin lol laugh 20 Girl, you've just made my week. I'm stealing this joke for work today.
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger?"


The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know" said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.


"OK!", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama ... when you don't know shit?"


Big Grin


20 Good one ER! tfro
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger?"


The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know" said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.


"OK!", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama ... when you don't know shit?"


Big Grin


on da flo

laughin' my a** off 20

Good one EbonyRose
WARNING: ADULT HUMOR

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

****************************

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Eek

***********************************

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

******************************


Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

*************************************

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

*************************************

Q. Do you know how New
Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

***************************************

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

****************************************

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

****************************************

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

******************************

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

**********************************

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

*************************************

Q: What's the
difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

***************************************

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

****************************************


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

***********************************


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

**********************************

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

************************************

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

************************************

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when
they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!
quote:

WARNING: ADULT HUMOR

"Sex Therapy for Seniors"
A Green Valley couple, both well into their 80s, go to
a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed
that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual
advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's
absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse.

He thanks them for coming in, and then wishes

them good luck. He charges them $50.00 and
he says good bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks
the sex therapist to watch again.


The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but again agrees.

This goes on for several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no
problems, pays the doctor and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.....Just
what are you trying to find out?'


The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married - we can't go to her house.
I'm married - we can't go to my house. The holiday Inn
charges $98.00.

The Hilton charges $139.00.

We do it here for $50.00, and I get $43.00 back from Medicare.
***WARNING: ADULT HUMOR***

Garbage Bags


A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a
while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a
policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out
of your bag.' 'Oh, really? Darn,' says the little old lady. 'I'd better
go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me...'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that
money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?' 'Oh, no,' says the little old
lady. You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium
parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence
into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge
clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab
it and I say, ''$20 or off it comes!'' '

'OK, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'So, good luck. Oh, by the
way, what's in the other bag?' 'Well, you know', says the little old
lady, 'not everybody pays.'
quote:
Originally posted by kresge:
quote:

WARNING: ADULT HUMOR

"Sex Therapy for Seniors"
A Green Valley couple, both well into their 80s, go to
a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed
that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual
advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's
absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse.

He thanks them for coming in, and then wishes

them good luck. He charges them $50.00 and
he says good bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks
the sex therapist to watch again.


The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but again agrees.

This goes on for several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no
problems, pays the doctor and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.....Just
what are you trying to find out?'


The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married - we can't go to her house.
I'm married - we can't go to my house. The holiday Inn
charges $98.00.

The Hilton charges $139.00.

We do it here for $50.00, and I get $43.00 back from Medicare.


OMG! ek

20

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