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old Ebony article with alot of good advice.

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_4_56/ai_69653990/pg_2

How To Get A Man In Four Weeks Or Less - If You Want One
Ebony, Feb, 2001 by Kelly Starling


PEEP this. You walk into a club and see a guy checking you out. The Brother is fine and appears friendly. You make eye contact and shyly smile his way. Fine Brother approaches you and extends his hand. He politely asks your name and if he can take you to dinner next weekend. Flattered, you give him the digits and give yourself dap for landing a possible "do right" man.

Fast forward to date night. Fine Brother is half an hour late. He hasn't called. When he finally shows up, he doesn't even offer an excuse. At dinner, Fine Brother spends the whole time talking about himself. "Can it get any worse?" you wonder as you nod and smile at his babble.

Then it does: The waiter brings the bill. Fine Brother picks it up, checks out the damage and looks at you: "So how do you want to do this?" he says in that Barry White voice you thought was so suave. "Are we going dutch?"

By this time--if you're smart --you've realized that you caught a dud. You say goodnight and throw him back. Tomorrow is ladies' night. Hopefully, Fine Brother will take a day off from the club.

For many single women, that scenario happens too often. They meet men without a plan. These are the same Sisters who make plans to go back to college. They strategize for retirement. They invest time in choosing and buying a home. But when it comes to finding a good man, they forget to prepare. How many times have you heard someone talk about "falling into love" or "stumbling upon happiness." Experts say that choosing a life mate is too to leave to chance.

Some habits last a lifetime. But some people believe you can change your dating attitude--and find a man--in four weeks or less. A month may be too short to find Mr. Right, but if you follow these tips, they say, you'll definitely increase your odds of meeting that special someone. So pick up a calendar and start working. Your date with a good Brother might be just days away.


The First Five Days: Work On You

You take the first step toward finding a man when you take a hard look at yourself. What do you bring to a relationship? What are your strengths? Weaknesses? Relationship experts say you should determine if you possess the attributes you seek in a mate.

Author Myreah Moore advises women to get honest with themselves by making two lists. On one side, write what you want in a mate or qualities that are part of your wish list. On the other side, write the deal breakers or the needs you must find in a significant other to make you happy. That does two things: First, it helps you to be clear about what you're looking for. Second, it lets you know that you need to work on yourself.

Women, experts say, sometimes hold Brothers to a higher standard than they hold themselves. They want a man who's financially secure, educated, politically aware, spiritual, sensitive, giving and honest. That's fine, if you have those qualifies too. But if you're one paycheck from poverty and only go to church on Christmas, don't expect to land a man with a portfolio of stocks and a flawless record of tithing.

"If you want a man with these qualities, all you have to do is develop them within yourself," says Moore, co-author with Jodie Gould of Date Like a Man: To Get the Man You Want and Have Fun Doing It! and America's Dating Coach. "When you are what you're looking for, there is no place you have to go. You'll become a man magnet."

Brittian Wilder says to get ready to meet a good man, you must begin to resolve past issues such as old relationships, baby-mama drama and heavy debt. Also, look at your appearance. Are there ways you could be more desirable? Maybe a different hair style or more flattering clothes. Finally, evaluate your emotional well-being.

"Just because you're single doesn't mean that something is wrong with you," says Wilder, author of Understanding the Games Men Play (How to Think Like a Man). "The first step is to emotionally prepare yourself to get into the game."

Some Sisters suffer from low self-esteem. Society, relationship experts say, teaches that Black women are the lowest on the social scale--what Zora Neale Hurston calls "mules of the world." "Men have a much higher self-esteem," says Moore. "They are taught not to settle. No matter how they look or what age they are, they believe that they can get Halle Berry. Most women believe they can't get Denzel, so they take whoever is around. It takes a courageous woman to say, `You're a wonderful man, but you're not for me.'"


Days 6-10: Expand Your Options

Forget the there-are-no-available-Black-men hype. There are good Brothers all around you. Your friends know them. Your co-workers know them. Your family knows them. You just need an introduction.

"I truly believe what you think is what you create in your life," says Moore. "If you think all men are dogs, gay or that no men are out there, that's what you'll find. The mind is a powerful computer. If you think it's raining men, that's what will show up."

Tell everyone you know that you're interested in meeting a quality man. Assure them that you're looking for a new friend, not an instant husband.

Consider different ways to get the word out. Placing a personal ad in a newspaper might work for some people. Others might think about writing or responding to an ad online. "On the Internet, you can meet a lot people without wasting a whole lot of time and [without obligation]," Michael Brown, founder of Blacksingles.com tells EBONY. "How many times have you gone out with someone and sat across from the person and have nothing to say?"

Next, think about what activities make you happy. Do you enjoy hearing lectures at the university? Listening to jazz? Do you love reggae or salsa? Your Mr. Wonderful probably enjoys some of the same things you do. Another good place to try is self-improvement classes. Community colleges and local universities offer lessons in cooking, French, African drumming, horseback riding, swimming--just about anything you want to learn. Pick a hobby and keep your eyes open. While helping yourself, you can meet plenty of new guys.

Dr. Chris Jackson of Nashville's Conqueror's Church offers a word of caution, however, about new pursuits. Make sure it's something you really enjoy and not just a temporary pastime to land a man. If you meet a new prospect at a basketball game and then he finds out you hate sports, that's fraud, the minister says.

"If you're going on a prowl or on a hunt, that intention will come out," says Dr. Jackson, author of The Black Christian Singles Guide to Dating and Sexuality. "But if you go with the right motive, pursuing your gifts and talents in life, you will have to take numbers. People are naturally drawn to others who are living their purpose."

Days 11-15: Give Your Expectations A Reality Check

You've told people that you're looking. By now, you might have met some interesting guys or identified some prospects. Continue scouting for new friendships, but also review your list of wants and needs. Author Wilder says women sometimes fall into the trap of defining a man by what he does or how he looks instead of considering his heart and soul. "Your soul mate is someone who completes you," he says. "He enhances that which you are lacking. A lot of times men are overlooked because they are not driving an impressive car or wearing expensive clothes."

While it's important to go after who's best for you, you also need to remain focused. What matters most --his job title or his drive? For the next few days, work on fine tuning your expectations. What qualities are important and which are insignificant? Does it matter, for instance, if he works at a garage instead of a bank as long as he is trying to get ahead and celebrates you?

Experts say some of the most important considerations are finding a man who believes in a higher power, who will love you, respect you, is ambitious and wants to build a life together. But only you can know what matters to you. Don't apologize for your standards. Just make sure they really count.

Days 16-30: Get Out There And Date

OK. It's time for the fun part. You're in the home stretch. Get ready to date.

"I'm tired of hearing women say `I want to find my soul mate and I want to be in a relationship' like that's the end all, be all," says Moore. "[Many] men aren't looking for a soul mate or a relationship. They're just looking for fun. I believe that our biggest problem is that we're dating-deficient."

The average man, she says, dates 200 women before he gets married. The average woman, Moore says, dates just seven men. The author says that Sisters can empower themselves by embracing a "pair-and-a-spare" approach to dating. That means you should be dating at least three men at one time. Now, let's be clear. Each man should know you're checking out your options. Moore says Sisters should also understand that when she says date three men, that's just what she means. Not having sex with three men or being intimate with three men--just dating.

Women, experts say, also need to learn how to approach someone who they find interesting. You could compliment him or just say hello. Or if you're feeling particularly plucky, you could ask him out for coffee or lunch. If the man doesn't return your interest, don't worry--at least you tried.

"If you see someone you like, don't be afraid to make the first move," Wilder says. "Remember, we're in the year 2001. Men's fear of rejection is as great as yours."

Whether you do the asking or he invites you on a date, women should have no expectations about these getting-to-know-you sessions. There's no reason to worry about blowing it. You're just there to have fun and learn about the other person.

Experts say that single men and women should work on becoming friends and let a relationship develop naturally. Take your time in becoming emotionally and physically intimate. Having sex too soon can confuse you into thinking that this man might be "the one." Instead, keep talking. Don't be afraid to let a date who has potential know that ultimately you're searching for a committed relationship. If he's not where you are, that's OK. "Every man you meet is not a soul mate," Wilder says. "Some men may be a potential friend or a buddy."

Moore says the worst thing women can do is to accept substandard treatment out of desperation. "[Some women] think it's their last chance," she says. "They think, `If I don't capture this one, I will not have someone in my life.' That's bull. It's a wide, big world."

When evaluating a potential mate, check out his values, financial and family expectations, your similarities and differences. Look for a man who is interested in you and who will make a contribution to your life. It may seem like a lot of work, but making an informed choice will pay off.

"People who think they don't have to work at dating, I tell them they're living in a fantasy world," says Moore. "Just like you just don't end up [being] a CEO, you have to work at this."

And don't forget to enjoy yourself. Dating should be a blast. If you don't find "Mr. Do Right" in four weeks, don't sweat it. Instead, look at the upside. You get to continue exploring.

"Reading books and articles, that's the hard part," says Moore,. "It's the lecture. Dating, that's the fun part. That's the lab."

All right, it's lab time.

COPYRIGHT 2001 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2001 Gale Group
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Original Post
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
honestly bruh, it'll get ignored cuz we agree with it.


Wow Radio, a total of five articles targeting desparate women. You are definitely on a roll my brother. For one thing, I never read Ebony, Essence, or any literature of this type. The reason is because often times the images and message represented in these magagzines are in fact designed to create anxiety and insecurity in girls and women. This is in fact how this industry earns its billions annually--by feeding off the fears and anxieties that they have created. Not a month goes by that I don't peep some magazine reminding women and girls of what they don't have and what they need (Notice most of the magazines target women). It's no wonder why women are constantly worried about getting a man, keeping a man, being prettier, being younger, being thinner, having more, having less, etc. because these parasitic magazine editors won't let them forget!!! This is why I warn women, especially young girls, to steer clear of such magazines and to very be critical of the messages that they convey. Better yet, DON'T READ THEM. Read literature that will EMPOWER you and edify your mind. This is how you will attract quality people in general, and not just men.
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rowe i think the reason these women's magazines focus on these topics is because that's what women are worried about. they are indeed targeting women, as women's magazines. however, the question is what came first the chicken or the egg? your argument is that women are insecure at least in some part due to these articles. however i think these articles exist because women are already worried about these topics. we don't need essence to worry that we aren't cute enough, or whatever. due to many reasons including sociological ones, we are already worried about that.

i don't think there is anything wrong with radio raheem posting these articles. aren't we as women always complaining about these very topics. women like to vent and aren't always looking for a solution. but men want to find a solution when they hear us venting. its one of those we're from venus and they're from mars things. i don't take offense. in fact i think this is radio raheem's way of showing some love to the women who are concerned about these topics. i at least appreciate that he's not pulling it out of his behind, he's getting these things from periodicals for women. which means he must be genuinely interested in researching and addressing a woman's concerns.
quote:
Originally posted by Rowe:

I never read Ebony, Essence, or any literature of this type. The reason is because often times the images and message represented in these magagzines are in fact designed to create anxiety and insecurity in girls and women. This is in fact how this industry earns its billions annually--by feeding off the fears and anxieties that they have created. Not a month goes by that I don't peep some magazine reminding women and girls of what they don't have and what they need (Notice most of the magazines target women). It's no wonder why women are constantly worried about getting a man, keeping a man, being prettier, being younger, being thinner, having more, having less, etc. because these parasitic magazine editors won't let them forget!!! This is why I warn women, especially young girls, to steer clear of such magazines and to very be critical of the messages that they convey. Better yet, DON'T READ THEM. Read literature that will EMPOWER you and edify your mind. This is how you will attract quality people in general, and not just men.


A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y SPOT ON!!! kiss
.
quote:
rowe i think the reason these women's magazines focus on these topics is because that's what women are worried about.


Sister, if this is the argument that you are presenting, then my question for you is, is it the editor's job to exacerbate these fears? Should we read and invest into magazines that prey on our fears? Lastly, how is emphasizing, magnifying, and polarizing our fears beyond recognition going to help eliminate our fears, especially when you bombard us with images of people who you say that we should emulate? I once, regrettably, read an article in some stupid women's magazine that titled, "10 Ways To Keep Yor Man Interested In The Bedroom." After reading, I said to myself, "So if I don't perform these 'tricks' for my man in the bedroom, he won't remain interested?" I mean, the advice they were offering was ridicuolous nonsense.

quote:
i don't think there is anything wrong with radio raheem posting these articles. but men want to find a solution when they hear us venting.


I don't think there is anything wrong with the brother posting them either. I am simply providng a response to the content of the articles that I am reading, which in my view, is a little patronizing and cheesy. Why do think not very many women are responding???

quote:
aren't we as women always complaining about these very topics.


"We" are not complaining about not being able to "get men" in four weeks. I can get a man just by walking out the door if I wanted. I have no problems getting men. What "we" are complaining about is a epidemic that should really concern EVERYONE. A large number of Black men are overcrowding jails, being sentence to death, they are not in the homes raising children, not in schools teaching children, not employed with respectable jobs, not active in the local, national, or global community, etc. This is a COMMUNITY issue on which everyone should have some constructive input and EVERYONE should be working towards solving. This is not a "women's issue." Until we acknowledge and accept that truth, we can accomplish nothing. Therefore, rather than bombard us with a string of topics on how to find a man, bombard the forum with serious topics of concern that will help us rebuild our communities TOGETHER, rather than passing all of the responsibility onto women.
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quote:
Originally posted by SistahSouljah:
Good advice, but does that title scream desperation or what? lol


I realize that some brothers are only trying to help, and it must be incredibly difficult having to defend yourself and dispute characterizations that are so unlike what you are about, but we should also keep things in perspective. If this were just an issue of women finding the "right men" in the "right environment" and at the "right time" I doubt if these issues would span across so many different areas of African American life and experience.
quote:
This is a COMMUNITY issue on which everyone should have some constructive input and EVERYONE should be working towards solving. This is not a "women's issue."


I do agree with this. However I also think that whatever the motivation for posting the articles, it does invite comment and that is a good thing. IMHO it is rare for men to directly discuss their own personal issues upfront (unless it concerns you in particular), it is usually via a third party or at arm's length by some other means. Smile

I think men want to know how women tick as much as women want the same. It's the amount of energy to ROI ratio that differs between the sexes. Big Grin
.
quote:
Originally posted by art_gurl:
I think men want to know how women tick as much as women want the same.


Yes, you are right about this. And also because lately our discussions over here have mainly focused on where to get find good men, I suppose Brother Radio was only trying to post articles that he thinks would interest us. However, personally (and I can only speak for myself), my interest in this issue does not and has never centered on how women can "Get A Man" individually, but how we can improve the condition of our communities, collectively. In my view, examining how we can improve the conditions of our communities as a WHOLE is the only way that we can truly make available to the masses of women quality men and relationships.
quote:
A large number of Black men are overcrowding jails, being sentence to death, they are not in the homes raising children, not in schools teaching children, not employed with respectable jobs, not active in the local, national, or global community, etc. This is a COMMUNITY issue on which everyone should have some constructive input and EVERYONE should be working towards solving. This is not a "women's issue

appl
quote:
Originally posted by little minx:
rowe i think the reason these women's magazines focus on these topics is because that's what women are worried about. they are indeed targeting women, as women's magazines. however, the question is what came first the chicken or the egg? your argument is that women are insecure at least in some part due to these articles. however i think these articles exist because women are already worried about these topics. we don't need essence to worry that we aren't cute enough, or whatever. due to many reasons including sociological ones, we are already worried about that.

i don't think there is anything wrong with radio raheem posting these articles. aren't we as women always complaining about these very topics. women like to vent and aren't always looking for a solution. but men want to find a solution when they hear us venting. its one of those we're from venus and they're from mars things. i don't take offense. in fact i think this is radio raheem's way of showing some love to the women who are concerned about these topics. i at least appreciate that he's not pulling it out of his behind, he's getting these things from periodicals for women. which means he must be genuinely interested in researching and addressing a woman's concerns.

tfro tfro
quote:
Originally posted by Rowe:
What "we" are complaining about is a epidemic that should really concern EVERYONE. A large number of Black men are overcrowding jails, being sentence to death, they are not in the homes raising children, not in schools teaching children, not employed with respectable jobs, not active in the local, national, or global community, etc. This is a COMMUNITY issue on which everyone should have some constructive input and EVERYONE should be working towards solving. This is not a "women's issue." Until we acknowledge and accept that truth, we can accomplish nothing. Therefore, rather than bombard us with a string of topics on how to find a man, bombard the forum with serious topics of concern that will help us rebuild our communities TOGETHER, rather than passing all of the responsibility onto women.


yeah Preach it, Rowe! Tell it!! bow
quote:
Originally posted by Frenchy:
quote:
Originally posted by Rowe:
What "we" are complaining about is a epidemic that should really concern EVERYONE. A large number of Black men are overcrowding jails, being sentence to death, they are not in the homes raising children, not in schools teaching children, not employed with respectable jobs, not active in the local, national, or global community, etc. This is a COMMUNITY issue on which everyone should have some constructive input and EVERYONE should be working towards solving. This is not a "women's issue." Until we acknowledge and accept that truth, we can accomplish nothing. Therefore, rather than bombard us with a string of topics on how to find a man, bombard the forum with serious topics of concern that will help us rebuild our communities TOGETHER, rather than passing all of the responsibility onto women.


yeah Preach it, Rowe! Tell it!! bow


I knew you would appreciate that response Sister Frenchy.
quote:
Originally posted by Rowe:
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
honestly bruh, it'll get ignored cuz we agree with it.


Wow Radio, a total of five articles targeting desparate women. You are definitely on a roll my brother. For one thing, I never read Ebony, Essence, or any literature of this type. The reason is because often times the images and message represented in these magagzines are in fact designed to create anxiety and insecurity in girls and women. This is in fact how this industry earns its billions annually--by feeding off the fears and anxieties that they have created. Not a month goes by that I don't peep some magazine reminding women and girls of what they don't have and what they need (Notice most of the magazines target women). It's no wonder why women are constantly worried about getting a man, keeping a man, being prettier, being younger, being thinner, having more, having less, etc. because these parasitic magazine editors won't let them forget!!! This is why I warn women, especially young girls, to steer clear of such magazines and to very be critical of the messages that they convey. Better yet, DON'T READ THEM. Read literature that will EMPOWER you and edify your mind. This is how you will attract quality people in general, and not just men.


i chose this article because it presented a good 'gameplan' for those women that are on a 'manhunt' [IMHO]. It finally explains how women can 'take charge' in their dating lives, a theme I presented at least three or four different times since my first login here. As a side note, I read more articles/books that 'edify' my mind, but those are more along the lines of my personal and business development [my chosen field of study/career]. I posted this Ebony article here to help those that my need it. I feel that many single Black women, who are seeking out lifepartners{not babydaddies}, are at lost in how to make that happen. This posting can help them. Moreover, Dr. Phil's new book 'Love matters' as mentioned some of those same thing that are from this article [as shown on the Dr. Phil show last week]. Hopefully, the transfer of information like this will lead to many more dates and new marriages. God Bless
quote:
Originally posted by Rowe:
quote:
Originally posted by art_gurl:
I think men want to know how women tick as much as women want the same.


Yes, you are right about this. And also because lately our discussions over here have mainly focused on where to get find good men, I suppose Brother Radio was only trying to post articles that he thinks would interest us. However, personally (and I can only speak for myself), my interest in this issue does not and has never centered on how women can "Get A Man" individually, but how we can improve the condition of our communities, collectively. In my view, examining how we can improve the conditions of our communities as a WHOLE is the only way that we can truly make available to the masses of women quality men and relationships.


I was posting this article because I thought it would HELP the single women here. Black women have spent MILLIONS of dollars in the form of Essence magazine cover prices, self help books, Christian single's nights activities, etc...with little to no return. Many are miserable and have no gameplan at all.


I agree...Building a community begins at home. Building better families will lead to a better Black community.
RadioRaheem, your "advice" is only in the form of changing women. It neither addresses nor seeks solutions for the entire situation. Furthermore, the "gameplan" put forth is always in the tone of "Get those expectations down, Ladies! Are you really sure you deserve a man with ambition? Or one who's respectful?" I've already expressed how I feel about that.

You can run out there with a gameplan all you like, but if the Black man/woman is no longer recpetive to keeping together and creating Black families, valuing a Black partner, valuing marriage PERIOD, what are you really accomplishing?
rowe, it's not an editor's job to emphasize, magnify or polarize our fears. it's their job to sell magazines. rowe, if we as women did not buy the magazines, these magazines would not sell so well. the only reason they continue to prey on us is because "we" as women eat it up, and buy magazines by the tons with topics about how to keep and get a man. again, it's the chicken or the egg question.

then there's the question of balance. these issues don't need to be magnified, but there is nothing wrong with a man or a woman wanting to know how to keep their relationship strong. don't men's magazines feature articles about how to please a woman? should men take this as a sign that there is something terribly wrong with them? no. women need not be obsessed with the topic, but we are more relationship oriented, more home and hearth based than men. so relationship stuff will be read more often by women. men are statistically more likely to be interested in how to financially support their family and be a strong head of household.



not many women responding?that was because when you posted this not many had responded yet. but as you can see now, women are weighing in whether they agree or disagree. interestingly i find that when women really disagree with a topic, they respond swiftly and sharply to the topic.

"we" are not complaining about not being able to find men? are you kidding? this forum is awash with women who do feel that it is difficult to find a relationship with a black man. maybe that's not an issue for you and me, but let's not ignore that many women on this forum do feel that finding a man to have a RELATIONSHIP with is difficult. we could all walk out the door and find somebody to sleep with but a relationship is alittle more complicated. that's why raheem is posting this. women go into the mens forum and talk about how difficult it is to find a man too. maybe not specifically in four weeks, but that is a common statement on this board from women.


i am in total agreement with you. the issue is much more complex than "i can't find a man". however, to the single woman in her late thirties to early forties, it sure does seem to be the main manifestation of the societal issue. recognizing that it is a societal issue may or may not assist the woman who is looking for a mate and consequently a family in the near future. the focus should be on the larger picture, because in the long run it would help us all. but again, this is raheem's way of addressing the manifestation of the societal issue which some women find very painful. we as a community need to find ways to increase black male involvment in the family. for if a black man is a father and husband, he naturally becomes more interested in the community in which he is raising and educating his children. we've seen that manifested. so it does make sense to try to assist in helping to develop and strengthen the BLACK FAMILY. this begins with boy meets girl, so it makes sense to try and facilitate that event. i don't think the onus should be on women. however since we are the ones with the foresight to see this as an issue, and we are the ones who are most interested in knowing how to start a long term relationship, then it makes sense to give us some tools to this effect.
quote:
Originally posted by Frenchy:
RadioRaheem, your "advice" is only in the form of changing women. It neither addresses nor seeks solutions for the entire situation. Furthermore, the "gameplan" put forth is always in the tone of "Get those expectations down, Ladies! Are you really sure you deserve a man with ambition? Or one who's respectful?" I've already expressed how I feel about that.

You can run out there with a gameplan all you like, but if the Black man/woman is no longer recpetive to keeping together and creating Black families, valuing a Black partner, valuing marriage PERIOD, what are you really accomplishing?



With the current dating situation as described by many black women, i'd say a change is needed. Unless those womens main point is to sit and complain about men, they would probably benefit from some 'gameplan' advice.

As far as your point about 'Are you really sure you deserve a man with ambition?'...please read the section "Give Your Expectations A Reality Check". I think that is most directed at the Condi Rice looking women hoping for Denzels. It's nice to 'dream' for a good relationship, just stop with the fanasties. All and all good advice from this article, which wouldn't fly in Essence, because it doesn't blame black men for a black woman's sorry dating situation.
From that section, "Experts say some of the most important considerations are finding a man who believes in a higher power, who will love you, respect you, is ambitious and wants to build a life together. But only you can know what matters to you. Don't apologize for your standards. Just make sure they really count."


"You can run out there with a gameplan all you like, but if the Black man/woman is no longer recpetive to keeping together and creating Black families, valuing a Black partner, valuing marriage PERIOD, what are you really accomplishing?"
* with a gameplan, you will be[and here it goes again] taking charge of your dating situation, or like the article says 'dating like a man' does. dating predates marriage right?? ...so better dating would lead to better marriages...which leads to better families...which leads to better community...I know it may seem like a pipe dream to some, but it's all possible for single black women. Now, it's time to break the huddle and get out there and run your gameplan.

And for the 'respect' part of your reply, if you are, or anyone is, currently in a dating situation and are not being respected, take this advice and GET OUT NOW!!!
quote:
Originally posted by little minx:
rowe, it's not an editor's job to emphasize, magnify or polarize our fears. it's their job to sell magazines. rowe, if we as women did not buy the magazines, these magazines would not sell so well. the only reason they continue to prey on us is because "we" as women eat it up, and buy magazines by the tons with topics about how to keep and get a man. again, it's the chicken or the egg question.

then there's the question of balance. these issues don't need to be magnified, but there is nothing wrong with a man or a woman wanting to know how to keep their relationship strong. don't men's magazines feature articles about how to please a woman? should men take this as a sign that there is something terribly wrong with them? no. women need not be obsessed with the topic, but we are more relationship oriented, more home and hearth based than men. so relationship stuff will be read more often by women. men are statistically more likely to be interested in how to financially support their family and be a strong head of household.



not many women responding?that was because when you posted this not many had responded yet. but as you can see now, women are weighing in whether they agree or disagree. interestingly i find that when women really disagree with a topic, they respond swiftly and sharply to the topic.

"we" are not complaining about not being able to find men? are you kidding? this forum is awash with women who do feel that it is difficult to find a relationship with a black man. maybe that's not an issue for you and me, but let's not ignore that many women on this forum do feel that finding a man to have a RELATIONSHIP with is difficult. we could all walk out the door and find somebody to sleep with but a relationship is alittle more complicated. that's why raheem is posting this. women go into the mens forum and talk about how difficult it is to find a man too. maybe not specifically in four weeks, but that is a common statement on this board from women.


i am in total agreement with you. the issue is much more complex than "i can't find a man". however, to the single woman in her late thirties to early forties, it sure does seem to be the main manifestation of the societal issue. recognizing that it is a societal issue may or may not assist the woman who is looking for a mate and consequently a family in the near future. the focus should be on the larger picture, because in the long run it would help us all. but again, this is raheem's way of addressing the manifestation of the societal issue which some women find very painful. we as a community need to find ways to increase black male involvment in the family. for if a black man is a father and husband, he naturally becomes more interested in the community in which he is raising and educating his children. we've seen that manifested. so it does make sense to try to assist in helping to develop and strengthen the BLACK FAMILY. this begins with boy meets girl, so it makes sense to try and facilitate that event. i don't think the onus should be on women. however since we are the ones with the foresight to see this as an issue, and we are the ones who are most interested in knowing how to start a long term relationship, then it makes sense to give us some tools to this effect.



well put! tfro
quote:
Originally posted by little minx:
Are you kidding? this forum is awash with women who do feel that it is difficult to find a relationship with a black man. maybe that's not an issue for you and me, but let's not ignore that many women on this forum do feel that finding a man to have a RELATIONSHIP with is difficult.


Again, the problem with the masses of today's Black women not being able to find quality men has less to do with what Black women are doing (or not doing) and MORE to do with the lack of availability of men who are of equal status. That is a reality that my latest article "Relationship Dilemma" addresses, and is a reality that apparently you and Brother Raheem are dismissing.

Frenchy asked the question (paraphrasing) "What is the point of having a "gameplan" when there aren't enough available players?" For example, I can go to church--an obviously nice place to find decent men--with a gameplan, but if men are scarce in the church, my gameplan is useless. But when I go into the county jails and detention units, the drug-infested street corners, the drug and counseling rehab facilities, and the local bars and liquor stores, in those environments, I will find Black men are plentiful! My "gameplan" would be useful in these environments, but what is the probability of any woman wanting to establish relationships with men in those situations, if she is smart? This is why, again, focusing our "gameplan" on African American women is a mistake, because compared to Black men, African American women are doing alright. So lets move on to the real issue. The gameplan should and definitely needs to focus on, first increasing the education, job skills, and job training of Black men so that they will be prepared to lead families and consequently become more attractive options for Black women. Having a mission is fine, but understanding why the mission is necessary in the first place is important.
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quote:
Originally posted by Rowe:
quote:
Originally posted by little minx:
Are you kidding? this forum is awash with women who do feel that it is difficult to find a relationship with a black man. maybe that's not an issue for you and me, but let's not ignore that many women on this forum do feel that finding a man to have a RELATIONSHIP with is difficult.


Again, the problem with the masses of today's Black women not being able to find quality men has less to do with what Black women are doing (or not doing) and MORE to do with the lack of availability of men who are of equal status. That is a reality that my latest article "Relationship Dilemma" addresses, and is a reality that apparently you and Brother Raheem are dismissing.

Frenchy asked the question (paraphrasing) "What is the point of having a "gameplan" when there aren't enough available players?" For example, I can go to church--an obviously nice place to find decent men--with a gameplan, but if men are scarce in the church, my gameplan is useless. But when I go into the jails, detention units, death row, the drug street corners, and the liquor stores, there Black men are plentiful! My "gameplan" would be useful in these environments, but what is the probability of any woman wanting to establish relationships with men in those situations, if she is smart? This is why, again, focusing our "gameplan" on women is a mistake, because compared to Black men, Black women are doing alright. So lets move on to the real issue. The gameplan should and definitely needs to focus on increasing the education, job skills, and job training of Black men so that they will be prepared to lead families and consequently become more attractive options for Black women.


you are assuming that all those 'extra' women are desireable. Very bad assumption. If a single black man [who is childless] seeks the same childless quality in a mate, 3.1 million single Black women are eliminated. What's the ratio of women to men after that simple math is done?? Love is a two way street.

Also, it should be noted that according to the US Census 2003[ http://www.census.gov/prod/2003pubs/p20-541.pdf figure6] that only 18% of black women have a college degree [versus 16% of black men], that's over 80% who do not. The numbers of Black women with degrees are a small minority within that Black woman population. It's not like you are talking about a majority of black women anyway, Essence would lead you to believe that the number is over 90% or something. How now do you explain the 'lack of players' idea in your class based dating system?? It seems like you and others in your camp need to go back to the drawing board for this one.

Still, the 'gameplan' helps because it is better than the 'wait and hope' procedure many Black women are using. A good man is not going to fall out of the sky or may not notice her when she notices him. Be active and do something.
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For the sake of this discussion, can we define "equal status"? This sounds like a potential booby trap in phrasing. Are we talking about romantic involvement or a business proposition? If a man & woman are supporting themselves (place to live, legal source of income, able to meet their day to day needs) alone and share common interests & values, isn't that "equal status"?
quote:
you are assuming that all those 'extra' women are desireable. Very bad assumption. If a single black man [who is childless] seeks the same childless quality in a mate, 3.1 million single Black women are eliminated.


Again, that is why the focus should be on improving the social and economic status of Black men, because 3.1 million Black women would not have father-less children if Black men played more active and responsible roles in the lives of their children and loved ones. All you have done is confirmed the point that Sister Frenchy and I are making.

quote:
The 'gameplan' helps because it is better than the 'wait and hope' procedure many Black women are using. A good man is not going to fall out of the sky or may not notice her when she notices him.


I have not suggested that women or men "wait and hope" on anything. What I suggests and have strongly encouraged all along is for all of us, as a community, to work together towards addresssing this very serious problem. And I do not believe that this problem can be solved with quick-fix, "Get yourself a man in four weeks" solutions. If we can take anything from the last Millions More Movement, we need to understand that this is not simply a "women's problem," this is in fact a crisis, an epidemic. Therefore, WE MUST handle this very seriously. Articles like these, in my view, trivializes the problem, confuses the issue, and causes readers to lose perspective. But listen, I just want to say that I know you have good intentions. I'm not trying to get down on you. We appreciate your interest in this topic and PLEASE don't be discouraged from posting more topics that you think would be of interest to women. I think that is great. We are simply having a debate, so please do not take anything personal.
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quote:
Originally posted by Rowe:
quote:
you are assuming that all those 'extra' women are desireable. Very bad assumption. If a single black man [who is childless] seeks the same childless quality in a mate, 3.1 million single Black women are eliminated.


Again brother, that is why the focus should be on improving the social and economic status of Black men, because 3.1 million Black women would not have father-less children if Black men played more active and responsible roles in the lives of their children and loved ones. All you have done is confirmed the point that Sister Frenchy and I are making.

quote:
The 'gameplan' helps because it is better than the 'wait and hope' procedure many Black women are using. A good man is not going to fall out of the sky or may not notice her when she notices him.


I have not suggested that women or men "wait and hope" on anything brother. What I suggests and have strongly encouraged all along is for all of us, as a community, to work together towards addresssing this very serious problem. And I do not believe that this problem can be solved with quick-fix, "Get yourself a man in four week solutions." I think articles like these trivializes the problem, and more importantly, they cause readers to lose sight of the real issue at hand. Listen, I just want to say that I know you have good intentions. I'm not trying to get down on you. We appreciate your interests and PLEASE don't be discouraged from posting more topics that you think would be of interest to women. I think that is great. We are simply having a debate, so please do not take anything personal.



I think we are talking about two different topics. Might I suggest you develop a thread topic about Black community development, volunteering, and overall Black leadership. This topic is about dating advice and those that need it. Black love is a very serious topic that is the basis of many other black community problems. I don't mean to disrespect your valid points [I actually agree with you a great deal] but I just wanted to post an article to assist those out there looking for solutions. God Bless and Happy Holidays.
quote:
Originally posted by ddouble:
For the sake of this discussion, can we define "equal status"? This sounds like a potential booby trap in phrasing. Are we talking about romantic involvement or a business proposition? If a man & woman are supporting themselves (place to live, legal source of income, able to meet their day to day needs) alone and share common interests & values, isn't that "equal status"?


the answers varies from class, education, and status. I find it weird however that many single moms, i've met wanted 'someone on their level', yet preferred that he be childless.

Good luck finding the answer to that one bruh. Happy Holidays
quote:
Originally posted by ddouble:
Do we know that all 3.1 million Black single moms wanted the children's fathers around? The question isn't presented to invalid your premise, just to round out the perspective.


Brother Ddouble, I want you to just for a moment to think critically about the question you've just asked, and then answer this question. What woman in her right mind would want to have a litter of children and no father to support her? Let's not insult the intelligence of Black women, please. If a large number of couples are having children without the support of the fathers (the other member who created the child), then we need to question what is preventing them from performing their roles as fathers.
quote:
Originally posted by Rowe:
quote:
Originally posted by ddouble:
Do we know that all 3.1 million Black single moms wanted the children's fathers around? The question isn't presented to invalid your premise, just to round out the perspective.


Brother Ddouble, I want you to just for a moment to think critically about the question you've just asked, and then answer this question. What woman in her right mind would want to have a litter of children and no father to support her? Let's not insult the intelligence of Black women, please. If a large number of couples are having children without the support of the fathers (the other member who created the child), then we need to question what is preventing them from performing their roles as fathers.


Insane people make up the dating population too! Wink

Seriously, I'm not insulting anyone's intelligence. I wanted to bring some balance to the discussion. RR showed in his edit that the gap in college educated (I'm assuming this is part of "equal status" (still waiting on that defintion, BTW)) Black men & women is much smaller than it is touted to be. I don't know if the stats are available, but when you mention single moms, you have to consider divorcees, widows, and messy breakups. These three catagories may reduce the number of single moms that wanted the fathers present.

I've said it in other threads & I think it bears repeating:
There are a lot of urban legends & myths about Black folk that WE perpetuate!

The dearth of suitable African-American mates is one of these urban myths.

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