If you have an unresolved disagreement with your mate, are you still able to have sex with them, or does the disagreement have to be resolved first?

Is this something that falls along gender lines? Is it right to use sex to smooth the way toward resolution?
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his nationalism depends upon him not understanding it...
Original Post
quote:
Originally posted by shulamite:
If you have an unresolved disagreement with your mate, are you still able to have sex with them....?

HELL NO

quote:


Is this something that falls along gender lines? Is it right to use sex to smooth the way toward resolution?


I don't know if it is gender related.. I do not think it is right to ask for intimacy when there is evident or clear strife...
quote:
Originally posted by negrospiritual:

Can't do it. If i'm angry then i can't switch that off and start rubbing caressing on a dude. sck

It amazes me how guys are able to do that. 19


It demonstrates our true commitment to our women and to the relationship that we can forget whatever she's said/done and show them love! dance
quote:
Originally posted by MBM:
It demonstrates our true commitment to our women and to the relationship unfettered access to the p*ssy that we can forget whatever she's we've likely said/done and show them love!


*Fixed* dance

--------

I was presented with an issue of whether sex itself could legitimately be used to create a bridge to bonding, and eventual calm discussion of the relationship issue.

I just couldn't bring myself to do it. 9
quote:
Originally posted by shulamite:

I was presented with an issue of whether sex itself could legitimately be used to create a bridge to bonding, and eventual calm discussion of the relationship issue.


I don't think sex, in itself, can or does, either one of those things. If anything, it would only mask the initial issue and obscure the reality of the problem. Sex cannot/does not make it go away.

I'm with K4R on this one ... if I'm mad at you, I'd probably just as soon try to kill you as kiss you! Eek And it's probably best to stay out of my face ... 'cause I may fail to realize the difference before it's too late! ek
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
I don't think sex, in itself, can or does, either one of those things. If anything, it would only mask the initial issue and obscure the reality of the problem. Sex cannot/does not make it go away.


I tend to take this tack, as well. But (trying to think like a man), I'm wondering if sex can legimately be used as a (very) temporary salve, to "cool the atmosphere". For background, I read a book that suggested men love through sex, women love through touch/words - not asisgning preference to one but simply noting the difference in approach.

quote:
if I'm mad at you, I'd probably just as soon try to kill you as kiss you! Eek And it's probably best to stay out of my face ... 'cause I may fail to realize the difference before it's too late! ek


lol For some reason that reminds me of that Eddie Murphy and Jasmine Guy scene in Harlem Nights.
quote:
Originally posted by shulamite:
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
I don't think sex, in itself, can or does, either one of those things. If anything, it would only mask the initial issue and obscure the reality of the problem. Sex cannot/does not make it go away.


I tend to take this tack, as well. But (trying to think like a man), I'm wondering if sex can legimately be used as a (very) temporary salve, to "cool the atmosphere". For background, I read a book that suggested men love through sex, women love through touch/words - not asisgning preference to one but simply noting the difference in approach.

Hmmm ... well, now, see .... this is a horse of a slightly different color!! Yes, I do think that for a man, sex could "cool the atmosphere" ... but that's not the same thing as *fixing* or even *lessening* the problem!

For one thing, it's relatively easy to not make a man be 'mad/angry' pretty quickly if you throw sex into the mix! It's kinda like an 'off/on' switch! Big Grin And, yes, I think their perception of sex in that situation would be different and a cooler head (the one on the shoulders! Eek) would prevail ... in terms of later discussion on the issue!

However, in getting to the real root of the problem, those tempers/emotions that created it are and will be still there. Sex, in that case, would be more line an 'interruption' than anything along the lines of a 'cure' or a 'bridge towards bonding' for the issue itself.

I think for some men, sex can change their perspective of their woman ... and he may be more inclined to negotiate a 'settlement' on the issued based on a desire not to fight about it. Which for some people (women especially) is a win. But, I don't see it as a real solution.

quote:
quote:
if I'm mad at you, I'd probably just as soon try to kill you as kiss you! Eek And it's probably best to stay out of my face ... 'cause I may fail to realize the difference before it's too late! ek


lol For some reason that reminds me of that Eddie Murphy and Jasmine Guy scene in Harlem Nights.


Ya know what I'm sayin'?? Big Grin

Oops! .... Dang! lol
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
he may be more inclined to negotiate a 'settlement' on the issued based on a desire not to fight about it. Which for some people (women especially) is a win. But, I don't see it as a real solution.


yeah Fool's gold comes to mind...

quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Oops! .... Dang! lol


rotflol.... now, Kweli, if you're reading, this is an example where a "do-over" would be welcome! 20
quote:
Originally posted by shulamite:
If you have an unresolved disagreement with your mate, are you still able to have sex with them, or does the disagreement have to be resolved first?

Is this something that falls along gender lines? Is it right to use sex to smooth the way toward resolution?


Sometimes, the cause of the tension or disagreement is not having sex. I know that if me and my wife go too long without being intimate, we both start to get a little out of sorts. Physical intimacy helps us to stay emotionally balanced. Sex isn't the MOST important thing in a marriage, but it's a vital part of it, and neglecting it can cause problems as much as anything else.
While it's been a while, no, I don't have sex when there's an unresolved issue afoot. It's a disgusting proposition (for me) simply because to engage in sex when angry just presents a whole slew of problems...not to mention the fact that I'd feel like I'd be aiding someone in their quest to 'sweep the issue under the rug.'

I'd rather deal with the issue, get it resolved and move forward PeaceFully, WITHOUT all of the FanFare and drama because if I'm angry, having sex with someone will be the last thing on my mind....believe that.

MoreOver, I've been hearing a lot of sex advocates talk about "taking one for the team" when one doesn't particularly "feel" like having sex...and I think that is a load of crap. It seems they are saying, "Honey, I KNOW you don't want to have sex, but just be a good lil Woman and sit there and take it because this is what he NEEDS!"

Look, my thought is this: If I don't want to have sex, I don't give a damn what you need - I ain't having sex. What about what I need?

LOL...

Sex doesn't "fix" the problem. While sex is a great releaser of energy and emotions, the problems will still be there after the sex. One might tend to feel a little "used" or "WorthLess" if their man/woman can't find the time to resolve an issue with them, but can sure as hell find the time for sex.

"Wisdom Is A Woman Who's Real!"
quote:
Originally posted by ShayaButHer:

MoreOver, I've been hearing a lot of sex advocates talk about "taking one for the team" when one doesn't particularly "feel" like having sex...and I think that is a load of crap. It seems they are saying, "Honey, I KNOW you don't want to have sex, but just be a good lil Woman and sit there and take it because this is what he NEEDS!"


Barring anger, strife, discontent.. I see nothing wrong with allowing your HUSBAND (not boyfriend) access to you for pleasure.. In a marriage this would seem reasonable.. I believe that every human being should practice restraint and not abuse their privilege with one another... but I don't see anything wrong with putting aside your tiredness to please your husband every once in a while.. or even consistently as long as it does not do damage to your physical health.. or mental health...

I mean where else is he supposed to go when he is turned on by you??? How long would you expect your husband to practice restraint if you're going through a particularly long period of being tired.. or simply not into it??
quote:
Originally posted by Khalliqa:
quote:
Originally posted by ShayaButHer:

MoreOver, I've been hearing a lot of sex advocates talk about "taking one for the team" when one doesn't particularly "feel" like having sex...and I think that is a load of crap. It seems they are saying, "Honey, I KNOW you don't want to have sex, but just be a good lil Woman and sit there and take it because this is what he NEEDS!"


Barring anger, strife, discontent.. I see nothing wrong with allowing your HUSBAND (not boyfriend) access to you for pleasure.. In a marriage this would seem reasonable.. I believe that every human being should practice restraint and not abuse their privilege with one another... but I don't see anything wrong with putting aside your tiredness to please your husband every once in a while.. or even consistently as long as it does not do damage to your physical health.. or mental health...

I mean where else is he supposed to go when he is turned on by you??? How long would you expect your husband to practice restraint if you're going through a particularly long period of being tired.. or simply not into it??


We're not talking about withholding sex just to be doing it. We are talking about being sensitive to what your partner may or may not be comfortable with. If your husband is into pleasing you, wouldn't he want you to be present when you have sex? Wouldn't he be considerate of the times when you did not want sex just as he'd expect you to be if he didn't want to have sex? That's what sensitivity is about.

"Wisdom Is A Woman Who UnderStands!"
quote:
Originally posted by ShayaButHer:

We're not talking about withholding sex just to be doing it. We are talking about being sensitive to what your partner may or may not be comfortable with. If your husband is into pleasing you, wouldn't he want you to be present when you have sex? Wouldn't he be considerate of the times when you did not want sex just as he'd expect you to be if he didn't want to have sex? That's what sensitivity is about.

"Wisdom Is A Woman Who UnderStands!"


If your partner is willingly giving you pleasure out of affection and consideration, doesn't that mean that they're "into it"? And who says that the fact that you're not seeking intimacy at the time necessarily means that you won't enjoy it when it occurs? And why do you assume that it's always the man who's seeking sex? There have been plenty of times when I wasn't in the mood, but my wife was, and I got into it for her sake. That's called giving. People do that for each other in a marriage, and they do it willingly. It sounds to me like you're talking about some other issues.
quote:
engaging in sex when angry?


No. That one was easy.

quote:
Originally posted by shulamite:

If you have an unresolved disagreement with your mate, are you still able to have sex with them, or does the disagreement have to be resolved first?


Well, anger is one thing, but unresolved disagreements are quite another matter. My wife and I have many unresolved disagreements.

Pizza, for example.

I love pizza, she hates it.

That one is likely to remain unresolved for a long, long time. Celebacy is not for me.

quote:
Is it right to use sex to smooth the way toward resolution?


It works. I never eat pizza during sex.
quote:
Originally posted by negrospiritual:
Can't do it. If i'm angry then i can't switch that off and start rubbing caressing on a dude. sck

It amazes me how guys are able to do that. 19


You know I had to consult some of my male friends on this. They told me they've done it, often. Even when they couldn't get it up one of them told me... lol I wonder exactly how that works?! lol lol lol Men are so funny sometimes!
quote:
Originally posted by Malik:
quote:
Originally posted by ShayaButHer:

We're not talking about withholding sex just to be doing it. We are talking about being sensitive to what your partner may or may not be comfortable with. If your husband is into pleasing you, wouldn't he want you to be present when you have sex? Wouldn't he be considerate of the times when you did not want sex just as he'd expect you to be if he didn't want to have sex? That's what sensitivity is about.

"Wisdom Is A Woman Who UnderStands!"


If your partner is willingly giving you pleasure out of affection and consideration, doesn't that mean that they're "into it"? And who says that the fact that you're not seeking intimacy at the time necessarily means that you won't enjoy it when it occurs? And why do you assume that it's always the man who's seeking sex? There have been plenty of times when I wasn't in the mood, but my wife was, and I got into it for her sake. That's called giving. People do that for each other in a marriage, and they do it willingly. It sounds to me like you're talking about some other issues.


Listen,

I know all about 'giving'...and that includes giving each other the necessary space when it's needed.

What I have a problem with is the fact that some assume that just because you may not "feel like" having sex at any given moment, then you are not loving, giving, affectionate, considerate, etc....can't you just NOT be in the mood and leave it at that? SomeTimes, you just don't have an inkling to engage in sex and that should be respected.

Whether you are seeking it or not or whether or not you 'might' enjoy it is not the issue. If a Woman says, "No," that should be respectd...and vice versa...and the fact that people can't respect that, married or not, is what troubles me. It doesn't take a genius to see what kinds of problems can be had, if one is not respecting the decision another makes regarding their own body.

MoreOver, I did not assume that it is always the Man who is seeking sex...and I stated as much when I asked, "Wouldn't he be considerate of the times when you did not want sex just as he'd expect you to be if he didn't want to have sex?" It goes both ways.

I was just talking about that very thing with a friend in the wee hours of the morning...his exact question was, "What if I didn't want to have sex with her when she wanted to?" referring to the fact that she was "hot to trot" after menstruation.

Our first inkling as humans is to say, "You better do that before someone else does!" HowEver, do we really have the right to "go all out there" just because our partners don't want to have sex with us when we want them to?

SomeTimes you just have to check your own desire. Just because you have it, doesn't mean that "She's gotta have it."

LOL...

"Wisdom Is A Woman With Boundaries!"
quote:
What I have a problem with is the fact that some assume that just because you may not "feel like" having sex at any given moment, then you are not loving, giving, affectionate, considerate, etc....can't you just NOT be in the mood and leave it at that?


Who said anything like that? Like I said, it sounds like you're talking about some other issue.
quote:
Originally posted by Malik:
quote:
What I have a problem with is the fact that some assume that just because you may not "feel like" having sex at any given moment, then you are not loving, giving, affectionate, considerate, etc....can't you just NOT be in the mood and leave it at that?


Who said anything like that? Like I said, it sounds like you're talking about some other issue.


So what "other issue" do you think I'm referring to? I don't think it's hard: you asked, "If your partner is willingly giving you pleasure out of affection and consideration, doesn't that mean that they're "into it"?" Any rational, thinking human being, would question if you are assuming that to NOT be "into it" meant that they were not "willing to please" or affectionate or considerate of their partner's want/need.

See again, in my post, I asked, "If your husband is into pleasing you, wouldn't he want you to be present when you have sex?" Obviously, if you are not wanting sex at that moment, you may not be "completely present," meaning that you most likely aren't feeling your most loving.....maybe you are...who knows? There are a whole host of reasons why a Man or Woman may not want sex at any given time.

....and the fact that they may not want sex does not mean they are trying to harm, damage or otherwise play games with you in any way. Maybe they just want to chill out for a while...do something besides sex...who knows? What I'm saying is that in that event, you should respect that and not expect that they should have to have sex with you just because it is what you want.

"Wisdom Is A Woman Clarifying!"
quote:
Originally posted by ShayaButHer:
quote:
Originally posted by Khalliqa:
quote:
Originally posted by ShayaButHer:

MoreOver, I've been hearing a lot of sex advocates talk about "taking one for the team" when one doesn't particularly "feel" like having sex...and I think that is a load of crap. It seems they are saying, "Honey, I KNOW you don't want to have sex, but just be a good lil Woman and sit there and take it because this is what he NEEDS!"


Barring anger, strife, discontent.. I see nothing wrong with allowing your HUSBAND (not boyfriend) access to you for pleasure.. In a marriage this would seem reasonable.. I believe that every human being should practice restraint and not abuse their privilege with one another... but I don't see anything wrong with putting aside your tiredness to please your husband every once in a while.. or even consistently as long as it does not do damage to your physical health.. or mental health...

I mean where else is he supposed to go when he is turned on by you??? How long would you expect your husband to practice restraint if you're going through a particularly long period of being tired.. or simply not into it??


We're not talking about withholding sex just to be doing it. We are talking about being sensitive to what your partner may or may not be comfortable with. If your husband is into pleasing you, wouldn't he want you to be present when you have sex? Wouldn't he be considerate of the times when you did not want sex just as he'd expect you to be if he didn't want to have sex? That's what sensitivity is about.


I certainly believe that each partner should be sensitive to one another hence the mention of not abusing the privileges with one another.. but I am curious assuming there is no serious strife.. or pain between partners.. how long do you think is reasonable for a spouse to withhold affection?
quote:
Originally posted by ShayaButHer:
quote:
Originally posted by Malik:
quote:
What I have a problem with is the fact that some assume that just because you may not "feel like" having sex at any given moment, then you are not loving, giving, affectionate, considerate, etc....can't you just NOT be in the mood and leave it at that?


Who said anything like that? Like I said, it sounds like you're talking about some other issue.


So what "other issue" do you think I'm referring to? I don't think it's hard: you asked, "If your partner is willingly giving you pleasure out of affection and consideration, doesn't that mean that they're "into it"?" Any rational, thinking human being, would question if you are assuming that to NOT be "into it" meant that they were not "willing to please" or affectionate or considerate of their partner's want/need.

[That assumption is your own, and is unrelated to anything that I said, implied or otherwise]

See again, in my post, I asked, "If your husband is into pleasing you, wouldn't he want you to be present when you have sex?" Obviously, if you are not wanting sex at that moment, you may not be "completely present," meaning that you most likely aren't feeling your most loving.....maybe you are...who knows? There are a whole host of reasons why a Man or Woman may not want sex at any given time.

[I never said anything to the contrary. I simply asked why you were assuming that the person wouldn't be "completely present".]

....and the fact that they may not want sex does not mean they are trying to harm, damage or otherwise play games with you in any way. Maybe they just want to chill out for a while...do something besides sex...who knows? What I'm saying is that in that event, you should respect that and not expect that they should have to have sex with you just because it is what you want.

[I never said anything to the contrary. I used the word "willing" at least twice.]

"Wisdom Is A Woman Clarifying!"
quote:
Originally posted by Malik:
quote:
Originally posted by ShayaButHer:
quote:
Originally posted by Malik:
quote:
What I have a problem with is the fact that some assume that just because you may not "feel like" having sex at any given moment, then you are not loving, giving, affectionate, considerate, etc....can't you just NOT be in the mood and leave it at that?


Who said anything like that? Like I said, it sounds like you're talking about some other issue.


So what "other issue" do you think I'm referring to? I don't think it's hard: you asked, "If your partner is willingly giving you pleasure out of affection and consideration, doesn't that mean that they're "into it"?" Any rational, thinking human being, would question if you are assuming that to NOT be "into it" meant that they were not "willing to please" or affectionate or considerate of their partner's want/need.

[That assumption is your own, and is unrelated to anything that I said, implied or otherwise]

Apparenly, it is not my own, given that the question of willingness was even raised. So yes, this is related to what you said. Someone not wanting to have sex in a particular moment doesn't mean that they aren't willing to accommodate their partner in general. It just means that in that particular moment, they should have the right to say they don't want sex.

See again, in my post, I asked, "If your husband is into pleasing you, wouldn't he want you to be present when you have sex?" Obviously, if you are not wanting sex at that moment, you may not be "completely present," meaning that you most likely aren't feeling your most loving.....maybe you are...who knows? There are a whole host of reasons why a Man or Woman may not want sex at any given time.

[I never said anything to the contrary. I simply asked why you were assuming that the person wouldn't be "completely present".]

Because most people who don't want to have sex at a particular moment would not be. If someone asked another to do something that their heart wasn't really into at that moment, and they went along with it reluctantly, wouldn't it be fair to assume that most people wouldn't be "whole hearted" about the task? Maybe some would go against the grain, but most?

....and the fact that they may not want sex does not mean they are trying to harm, damage or otherwise play games with you in any way. Maybe they just want to chill out for a while...do something besides sex...who knows? What I'm saying is that in that event, you should respect that and not expect that they should have to have sex with you just because it is what you want.

[I never said anything to the contrary. I used the word "willing" at least twice.]

Again, they may be "willing" in general, but does that mean that they "have to be" willing all of the time???


"Wisdom Is A Woman Conversing!"
I HAVE TO BE HONEST THAT I HAVE HAD ANGRY SEX ONCE, AND IT WAS THE MOST EXHAUSTED EXPERIENCE I EVER HAD. I WAS MAD AS HELL, AND I COULDNT LOOK AT HIM BECAUSE I KNEW IF I LOOKED AT HIM HE WAS GOING TO HAVE ME. HE GOT OFF THE CHAIR AND STARTED KISSING ME, KNOWING I WAS MAD. I PUSHED AWAY AND HE KISSED ME AGAIN BUT IT WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SECOND KISS THAT MADE ME SINK INTO HIS ARMS, AND THAT MY FRIENDS WAS THE BEGINNING OF A WONDERFUL NIGHT OF MAKING UP. I KID YOU NOT. THIS HAPPENED BEFORE I GOT MARRIED, BUT TO BE HONEST I DON'T WHO IF I WOULD DO IT AGAIN, ESPECIALLY IF EMOTIONS WE STIRRING, YOU KNOW.

BUT "OH WHAT A NIGHT" laugh
quote:
Originally posted by joowanlee:
quote:
engaging in sex when angry?

It is not one and the same. Whether you're gay or straight, your sexual orientation is not the sum of your parts. Believe it or not, there are both straight and gay people who aren't sexually active. It's a shame that in society, the act has come to define the person.


What does this have to do with the topic at hand?! Confused And you have a link to some site puzzporn? Let me guess... another spammer... lol
quote:
Originally posted by shulamite:
If you have an unresolved disagreement with your mate, are you still able to have sex with them, or does the disagreement have to be resolved first?

Is this something that falls along gender lines? Is it right to use sex to smooth the way toward resolution?

I don't see anything wrong with a good ol' fashioned grudge-fuck... lol

Seriously though... I'm of the opinion that sex should be "off-limits" when it comes to resolving issues. As in... sex shouldn't be used to resolve an issue, nor should it be withheld as punishment for an unresolved issue. Unless the issue has something to do with sex (which it usually doesn't), it's unfair to your partner to attach sex to it. Making sex conditional in that way is damaging to a relationship imo. It can make the issue even harder to resolve if one or both partners thinks they're being punished for having a different point of view. I think the healthiest thing to do is be able to put an unresolved issue on the back-burner for a while and be able to go on with the normal course of life. That doesn't mean theat the issue is forgotten... only that it's been shelved for a while. And besides... everyone is in a more comprimising mood after sex than they are before sex. It one of the best times to revisit a tough issue.

There are some out of the box things to consider as well... like make-up sex. Many couples have regular fights just because they know subconciously how good the make-up sex will be.
quote:
Originally posted by Black Viking:
I'm of the opinion that sex should be "off-limits" when it comes to resolving issues.


I would tend to agree, unless perhaps dealing with an issue that takes a while to resolve (e.g. some external family situtation that's impacting your daily living). I wonder if in a situtation like that it might be wiser to table the disagreement and proceed on to "festivities". 3

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