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Respectfully, communication is one of the key ingredients required to strengthen a relationship.
Petty drama kinds of dialogue can be wearing, but true, honest, open communication can never be too much. Many people spend more time communicating with co-workers/children/etc than they do their S/O and that can ultimately prove to be problematic.
quote:
Originally posted by Sandye:
Respectfully, communication is one of the key ingredients required to strengthen a relationship.
Petty drama kinds of dialogue can be wearing, but true, honest, open communication can never be too much. Many people spend more time communicating with co-workers/children/etc than they do their S/O and that can ultimately prove to be problematic.


appl yeah appl
Women have a biological need to talk. They are inherently vocal creatures.

Therefore, the man's most important job in a relationship is to listen. The hardest part for us is to listen the way women listen... not the way men listen. Men normally internalize everything women say. Since our principle role on this planet is to make women happy, if she's not happy (i.e. she's complaining about something) then it must be our fault in some way no matter how abstract.

That's when guys put on their "Mr. Fix-it" hat... and set out to try and solve whatever has got her upset. This never works for two reasons...

a) She doesn't want him to fix it... she really just wants to complain about it.

b) She doesn't even know how she wants it fixed yet. Women literally think with their mouths. She's "working" through it by "talking" through it. If he lets her talk long enough she will eventually figure out what she wants to do about it.

It's important for women to realize that men do not communicate this way. If another man tells me he's got a problem... the only reason he's telling me that is because he wants me to help him solve it. Otherwise he would keep it to himself and I would never hear about it.

For that reason, it's difficult for men to listen to the women in their lives talking about problems they can't solve. It's even worse if he thinks he can solve it... and she just won't let him. Or gets angry at him for trying. Difficult, but not impossible. Men just need to learn how to listen like women do... barely. Listen but don't internalize, because it's probably not about him at all. If she were upset at him she'd be complaining to her girlfriends... or another man.

For the Ladies... you may not understand why this should be taxing on your man, but for his sake just accept that it is. Everything (no matter how small) that is not right in your life is a at least a small shot to his ego. Not saying don't do what you need to do... just pick your moments with care. Smile
quote:
Originally posted by Black Viking:
Women have a biological need to talk. They are inherently vocal creatures.

Therefore, the man's most important job in a relationship is to listen. The hardest part for us is to listen the way women listen... not the way men listen. Men normally internalize everything women say. Since our principle role on this planet is to make women happy, if she's not happy (i.e. she's complaining about something) then it must be our fault in some way no matter how abstract.

That's when guys put on their "Mr. Fix-it" hat... and set out to try and solve whatever has got her upset. This never works for two reasons...

a) She doesn't want him to fix it... she really just wants to complain about it.

b) She doesn't even know how she wants it fixed yet. Women literally think with their mouths. She's "working" through it by "talking" through it. If he lets her talk long enough she will eventually figure out what she wants to do about it.

It's important for women to realize that men do not communicate this way. If another man tells me he's got a problem... the only reason he's telling me that is because he wants me to help him solve it. Otherwise he would keep it to himself and I would never hear about it.

For that reason, it's difficult for men to listen to the women in their lives talking about problems they can't solve. It's even worse if he thinks he can solve it... and she just won't let him. Or gets angry at him for trying. Difficult, but not impossible. Men just need to learn how to listen like women do... barely. Listen but don't internalize, because it's probably not about him at all. If she were upset at him she'd be complaining to her girlfriends... or another man.

For the Ladies... you may not understand why this should be taxing on your man, but for his sake just accept that it is. Everything (no matter how small) that is not right in your life is a at least a small shot to his ego. Not saying don't do what you need to do... just pick your moments with care. Smile


Well stated...

I agree...
quote:
Originally posted by Black Viking:
Women have a biological need to talk. They are inherently vocal creatures.

Therefore, the man's most important job in a relationship is to listen. The hardest part for us is to listen the way women listen... not the way men listen. Men normally internalize everything women say. Since our principle role on this planet is to make women happy, if she's not happy (i.e. she's complaining about something) then it must be our fault in some way no matter how abstract.

That's when guys put on their "Mr. Fix-it" hat... and set out to try and solve whatever has got her upset. This never works for two reasons...

a) She doesn't want him to fix it... she really just wants to complain about it.

b) She doesn't even know how she wants it fixed yet. Women literally think with their mouths. She's "working" through it by "talking" through it. If he lets her talk long enough she will eventually figure out what she wants to do about it.

It's important for women to realize that men do not communicate this way. If another man tells me he's got a problem... the only reason he's telling me that is because he wants me to help him solve it. Otherwise he would keep it to himself and I would never hear about it.

For that reason, it's difficult for men to listen to the women in their lives talking about problems they can't solve. It's even worse if he thinks he can solve it... and she just won't let him. Or gets angry at him for trying. Difficult, but not impossible. Men just need to learn how to listen like women do... barely. Listen but don't internalize, because it's probably not about him at all. If she were upset at him she'd be complaining to her girlfriends... or another man.

For the Ladies... you may not understand why this should be taxing on your man, but for his sake just accept that it is. Everything (no matter how small) that is not right in your life is a at least a small shot to his ego. Not saying don't do what you need to do... just pick your moments with care. Smile
I would agree except for one thing... Women need to feel as though they are being listened to... Which is why they talk as much as they do... The problem is that the more they talk, the less men listen...
quote:
Originally posted by Black Viking:
For the Ladies... you may not understand why this should be taxing on your man, but for his sake just accept that it is. Everything (no matter how small) that is not right in your life is a at least a small shot to his ego. Not saying don't do what you need to do... just pick your moments with care. Smile


Is this 'internalizing' or rather a form of narcissism?..

I know women who do this too... "Why did he say such and such? He must have said it to 'me' for a reason?" blah, blah ,blah.... personalizing and internalizing EVERYTHING a partner does and doesn't do, says and doens't say. It's a narcissistic thought pattern, and it is very taxing to listen to, regaurdles of the source.. I thought we learn that 'the world doesn't resolve around us' once we enter Kindergarden?

I'm with umbrarchist on this one... most 'people' in general rattle on about bs, reguardless of gender.
quote:
Originally posted by Black Viking:
Women have a biological need to talk. They are inherently vocal creatures.

Therefore, the man's most important job in a relationship is to listen. The hardest part for us is to listen the way women listen... not the way men listen. Men normally internalize everything women say. Since our principle role on this planet is to make women happy, if she's not happy (i.e. she's complaining about something) then it must be our fault in some way no matter how abstract.

That's when guys put on their "Mr. Fix-it" hat... and set out to try and solve whatever has got her upset. This never works for two reasons...

a) She doesn't want him to fix it... she really just wants to complain about it.

b) She doesn't even know how she wants it fixed yet. Women literally think with their mouths. She's "working" through it by "talking" through it. If he lets her talk long enough she will eventually figure out what she wants to do about it.

It's important for women to realize that men do not communicate this way. If another man tells me he's got a problem... the only reason he's telling me that is because he wants me to help him solve it. Otherwise he would keep it to himself and I would never hear about it.

For that reason, it's difficult for men to listen to the women in their lives talking about problems they can't solve. It's even worse if he thinks he can solve it... and she just won't let him. Or gets angry at him for trying. Difficult, but not impossible. Men just need to learn how to listen like women do... barely. Listen but don't internalize, because it's probably not about him at all. If she were upset at him she'd be complaining to her girlfriends... or another man.

For the Ladies... you may not understand why this should be taxing on your man, but for his sake just accept that it is. Everything (no matter how small) that is not right in your life is a at least a small shot to his ego. Not saying don't do what you need to do... just pick your moments with care. Smile


tfro With all things considered in relationships... sounds like great wisdom & advice to me. Thankyou, Brotha BV. tfro
quote:
Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
quote:
Originally posted by msprettygirl:
And if we don't talk we get the "baby what's wrong?" treatment


Yeah, once, becuase we want to make sure you're alright. If you say "nothing is wrong" then most of the time we are cool with it.


Unless, it is not merely not talking; but not talking with an attitude. Then, you get the old, "if nothing's wrong, then what's with the attitude" response and the relations go down hill from there. Until of course she actually says what is bothering her.
quote:
Originally posted by Black Viking:
For the Ladies... you may not understand why this should be taxing on your man, but for his sake just accept that it is. Everything (no matter how small) that is not right in your life is a at least a small shot to his ego. Not saying don't do what you need to do... just pick your moments with care. Smile


Black Viking ...

Sometimes you make me wanna sopp you up with a biscuit!! eyes That was soooo .... tfro

You know, I have learned one valuable thing from the men here at AA.org. And that is that there really are men who do get it. All men are not dogs. Most men are not mean, insensitive creatures, only on earth to prowl for their next victim. Y'all just aren't understood! Smile My girlfriends think I'm crazy. Eek But, I'm not. Y'all are much more simple than you are complexed. I think it's sweet. kiss But most women find it absolutely baffling!!

Anyway, BV ... you better hope I never find a way to bottle you up and sell you! You won't be the only one enjoying tropical living. Big Grin
quote:
Originally posted by msprettygirl:
19 WELL how much is too much?? Big Grin


the answer depends on the real issue.

do you find yourselves discussing "aruging" over the same topics? In reality, that's probably still a fight over resolution of the issue, and not just a back-n-forth for information.

I think men/women talk all the time, but the real conversation that's taking place may have nothing (or very little) to do with the verbiage that's going on at any given time.
quote:
Originally posted by Oshun Auset:
quote:
Originally posted by Black Viking:
For the Ladies... you may not understand why this should be taxing on your man, but for his sake just accept that it is. Everything (no matter how small) that is not right in your life is a at least a small shot to his ego. Not saying don't do what you need to do... just pick your moments with care. Smile


Is this 'internalizing' or rather a form of narcissism?..

I know women who do this too... "Why did he say such and such? He must have said it to 'me' for a reason?" blah, blah ,blah.... personalizing and internalizing EVERYTHING a partner does and doesn't do, says and doens't say. It's a narcissistic thought pattern, and it is very taxing to listen to, regaurdles of the source..

I think what you're referring to here is an extreme behavior. I don't think it applies generally to most people. But on a general level... the overall contentedness of the women in our lives is an important part of male self-validation.

quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Black Viking ...

Sometimes you make me wanna sopp you up with a biscuit!! eyes

ER... you crack me up! lol

I knew there was a reason I liked southern women... eyes

quote:
Originally posted by msprettygirl:
19 WELL how much is too much?? Big Grin

I think the answer to that is easier to find if/when men are more honest about their feelings... at least to themselves.

When he has hit his limit with how much he can listen to at the moment, he needs to be able to say... "Ok Baby... I need time to think about this before we discuss it any further."

If it's a poor timing issue (no... I don't want to here about your day in the middle of the Raiders game!), then he needs to be able to say... "I'd be glad to hear about [insert: whatever], but now isn't a good time. Let's talk after the game."

Two things I'd like to point out about this...

a) Only mature women can handle this sort of direct and honest communication. Immature women will respond with all levels of silliness that have yet to be fully explored my the greatest scientific minds on earth.

b) It works with all mature women regardless of the nature of the relationship. Mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers... whatever.

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