Please share your advice for a marriage that has become stagnant and uninteresting. There are no infidelty issues. The rigors of work, kids and family obligations have just taken their toll on the marriage.

Can a marriage that has grown cold get hot again?
Original Post
Impose on the marriage/relationship voluntary celibacy for at least a year or more if necessary. MAKE SURE NEITHER PARTY CHEATS WITH SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP DURING THIS EXCERSISE. Restrict sex to once a month ration, flirt with each other outrageously by wearing sexy clothes and touching each other at every opportunity but deny sexual gratification. Impose this decipline into the relationship and you would start to and continue to fancy each other for years to come.

Too much of everything is bad. You may have had too much of each other so cut back and save the relationship.

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[This message was edited by henry38 on August 12, 2003 at 04:24 PM.]
kaleidoscope...

how's your level of commuincation? how often do you spend time together...just the two of you, talking, sharing, dreaming--like you did when you were dating? no kids, no bills, no work..just the two of you.

to me the relationship between the man and the woman is the foundation of the marriage, the family, of everything. the relationship comes before the marriage. and if that relationship isn't taken care of--like a foundation of a home, it will begin to crumble...you can't support a family on it (healthily), you can't have a good sexual relationship on it, you can't build for the future on it.

having been married (9yrs), with him for 14 yrs at the time of our divorce--it was because our relationship had crumbled or died. we didn't value each other, we didn't have things in common anymore and everyday was a struggle. there was no infidelity issues--we had just let life take over (kids, house, careers) and not put anything into each other to keep us together and growing as a couple. we were the couple who had it all--no one could belief when we split that we even had issues.

i wish you the best of luck in re-energizing your relationship--i believe it is possible, but both parties have to be willing to work for it, it doesn't happen if only one person wants it.

have you shown her (i apologize, *edit-him) this thread...? this alone would show (*edit-him) that you are concerned and want to do whatever you have to turn things around. this could be a part of the communication needed to get you on the right track again.

if you need anything...let us know

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[This message was edited by Nykkii on August 12, 2003 at 10:28 PM.]
Good points Nykkii. I forgot to add the importance of communication in a relationship for it to last and survive. Without communication any relationship is doomed but I guess you know that.

I will stress to start with the abstinence and discipline. The reason why I say this is as Nykkii pointed out during the early years of the relationship you may have done a lot of communication. At this stage of the relationship we want each other so much that we do three things, we go out to be alone with each other, we talk a lot and have a lot of sex. The last one is what drives the first two. This is confirmed when you are married and go through arguments and fights. What brings the two of you back into each others arms is sex. Since it is the cement that binds relationships if you abstain from it long enough without cheating you would experience how much the desert needs the rain. When that happens you will appreciate how much you need each other and you start looking for ways to get back in each other's arms. Guess what happens now, you realise as in your courting days, you have to spend time together and you have to communicate more.

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kali--

the choice is yours of course, but I am not a big advocate of with holding sex as a manipulation tool. It doesn't show respect for your relationship or maturity. I know some women do it--and using sex as a tool works for them, but to me it seems like you're playing your mate like a puppet.

you haven't even said there was an issue sexually with you and your spouse and to assume there is, or to give advice to with hold it seems a bit personal imo. (no disrespect henry!!)

for me sex comes with closeness and if you're not feeling that in your marriage, the sex might not be happening at any frequency anyway--so with holding it is a mute point.
i think if you are able to talk, able to nurture the close feelings again, able to connect--sex will follow naturally.

just my thoughts...

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quote:
Originally posted by Nykkii:
I am not a big advocate of with holding sex as a manipulation tool. It doesn't show respect for your relationship or maturity.



Nykkii

I think you misunderstood what I said. I am saying this should be a voluntary arrangement. It should not be IMPOSED. If one partner or the other imposes it, I agree with you it becomes a power play and shows disrespect to the other partner. For this to work it must be something that the two people in the relationship should talk about, agrees on it before embarking on such an exercise.

I hear what you say that the sex means closeness which is true but what you are not looking at is the same sex is what can destroy the relationship. Look how quickly men leave women after they had sored or had sex with a woman they had pursued for months sometimes years.

I am in a long term relation which is 18 years old coming to nineteen. We have had our ups and downs but I have never in one day cheated on my partner, not once, what I am describing above is what kept my interest in my wife alive all these years.

I can only give advice based on my personal experience. IT may not work for you. I hope you do find a workable formula.

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thank you for the clarification henry...

I did not get "it must be something that the two people in the relationship should talk about, agrees on it before embarking on such an exercise"...

from---
"Impose on the marriage/relationship voluntary celibacy for at least a year or more if necessary"

and

"Restrict sex to once a month ration, flirt with each other outrageously by wearing sexy clothes and touching each other at every opportunity but deny sexual gratification. Impose this decipline into the relationship and you would start to and continue to fancy each other for years to come."

those to me sounded like directions one party in the relationship--in this case Kaleidoscope--should impose (for the lack of a better word)...not suggest to her spouse as a possible approach.

thank you again for the clarification. Smile

and good luck to you Kaleidoscope!
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[This message was edited by Nykkii on August 13, 2003 at 03:51 PM.]
quote:
the sex might not be happening at any frequency anyway--so with holding it is a mute point.


Unfortunately, this is true. Frown

I feel that we are close friends. Sometimes I think we'll end up staying married, but living separate lives except for our kids. You probably know some couples like this.

We can and have talked about the big issues over and over, but things don't change. One issue has to do with his neglect of grooming. Without getting specific - its something that would make anyone unappealing visually and for up close times. We talked, I ranted and raged, I involved his parents. Finally, he went to start treatment for this problem. But, when it hurted (because he neglected it for so long) he stopped the treatment. We're back to square one.

I get tired of having to bring up the issue and begging him to get something done. It's like having a big, hard-headed teenager.

The funny thing is that he can't understand why I not all into him. When one partner doesn't care about his/her appearance anymore, what can the other partner do?? :broscream

I feel like I'm on Dr. Phil or something. brofrown
quote:
Originally posted by Nykkii:
thank you for the clarification henry...

I did not get _"it must be something that the two people in the relationship should talk about, agrees on it before embarking on such an exercise"..._

from---
"_Impose on the marriage/relationship_ voluntary celibacy for at least a year or more if necessary"

and

"_Restrict sex_ to once a month ration, flirt with each other outrageously by wearing sexy clothes and touching each other at every opportunity but deny sexual gratification. _Impose_ this decipline into the relationship and you would start to and continue to fancy each other for years to come."

those to me sounded like directions one party in the relationship--in this case Kaleidoscope--should impose (for the lack of a better word)...not suggest to her spouse as a possible approach.

thank you again for the clarification. Smile



Thanks Nykkii, that was really sloppy of me wasn't it? I will try and be more eloquent next time. Thanks for the pull up

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Having been married for 23 years one would think that I would have a wealth of knowledge but really there only a couple things that I would said.

Get back to romancing your partner. I heard this on a show the other night and it makes perfect sense. Remember how you romanced your partner when you were dating in a obivious attempt to win his feelings. Go back to that, you could carry the issue so far as to schedule a date like you did when you two first met, the key is that all the effort and romance you put out to get them, put it out now to keep them.

Communications - I know people dwell on it but it really is not that easy as there are always concerns about hurting the other person's feelings. But the truth be told I would rather hear it from my spouse then from someone else especially if it concerns matter of personnel grooming. And that might be the approach to take, for all the times that you have talked to him about it, how many times have others talked about it behind his back.

Your time - You and your spouse need time for yourself, if it is just going out for ice cream then go but just you and him. Need to be able to get away from issues of family and job and just de-stress, go out and have fun.

I don't know if issues of money are a problem but one thing that my wife and decided long ago and we still do is that issues of money are never discussed in the bedroom. The bedroom should be for sleeping and lovemaking, when you discuss money as most couples do, arguments tend to happen. The problem is that they are happening in the very area where you sleep and make love, its kinda of hard to want to make love in the very same area where 10 minutes earlier you were fighting. Just tends to ruin the atmosphere. Protect the bedroom from issues that cause arguments, you need to have a place where peace and love can reign even if it is just one room in the house.

Hope things work out for you.
quote:
Originally posted by Kaleidoscope:
Please share your advice for a marriage that has become stagnant and uninteresting. There are no infidelty issues. The rigors of work, kids and family obligations have just taken their toll on the marriage.

Can a marriage that has grown cold get hot again?


i think you need to spend more time together. Start dating you wife. Go out and see the town. Dinner, dancing, etc. Too often we all get beat down with life and use home as a rest stop. Sadly, this is probably the only time you both have together. Change that. Take mutual days off work, call in sick if you have to. And enjoy each others company

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