I personally would never do it, but friend of mine have tried it and it seems to always fail...Brothers, have you dated a woman with kids?? if so, what were positives or negatives of doing so..God Bless you

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Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
Original Post
Good topic RadioRaheem. So many people have children that aren't married these days, I'm not seeing how the relationships are failing. Unless the parents are expecting their boyfriend/girlfriend to take the place of the non-custodial parent. Dating is for adults and not children. I believe that the children shouldn't even be involved in the parents dating life, unless there is serious talk of marriage.

Our people have made the mistake of confusing the methods with the objectives. As long as we agree on objectives, we should never fall out with each other just because we believe in different methods, or tactics, or strategy. We have to keep in mind at all times that we are not fighting for separation. We are fighting for recognition as free humans in this society
Malcolm X, 1965
I tried it and I'm not sure if I'm for or against it. If the person is genuinely concerned then I don't see a problem. The problem that has turned me against the thought of dating another woman with children is the extra weight that can be part of the package. I'm speaking of dealing with fathers who don't want anyone but themselves to discipline their children, mothers who are quick to yell "these are not your children", and badass kids with no discipline or respect for anyone because the parents are too busy being a friend and buddy.

I would like to name some positives but that will take awhile...... Big Grin

catch
quote:
Originally posted by Yssys:
Good topic RadioRaheem. So many people have children that aren't married these days, I'm not seeing how the relationships are failing. Unless the parents are expecting their boyfriend/girlfriend to take the place of the non-custodial parent. Dating is for adults and not children. I believe that the children shouldn't even be involved in the parents dating life, unless there is serious talk of marriage.

Our people have made the mistake of confusing the methods with the objectives. As long as we agree on objectives, we should never fall out with each other just because we believe in different methods, or tactics, or strategy. We have to keep in mind at all times that we are not fighting for separation. We are fighting for recognition as free humans in this society
Malcolm X, 1965

i think to many men kids are an extra burden that needs to be avoided. The single mom simply has much less time available for dating and building a relationship. Issues with the kid may also startup as the mom is dividing time away for a 'new man'. Too many childless women out there for single men to date

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Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
quote:
Originally posted by ocatchings:
I tried it and I'm not sure if I'm for or against it. If the person is genuinely concerned then I don't see a problem. The problem that has turned me against the thought of dating another woman with children is the extra weight that can be part of the package. I'm speaking of dealing with fathers who don't want anyone but themselves to discipline their children, mothers who are quick to yell "these are not your children", and badass kids with no discipline or respect for anyone because the parents are too busy being a friend and buddy.

I would like to name some positives but that will take awhile...... Big Grin

catch

i couldn't find any positives either. I met a woman at church that seemed like a 'good' catch, but when she started talking about her three kids, i lost interest. That's three kids, two different fathers and never married, for the record. Man, I ran fast than a babydaddy away from her Big Grin I guess she'll have a little trouble finding a 'good man' if men sprint from her, but that's life Wink

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Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
as a divorced/single woman with kids...i don't have a problem dating men, or men not wanting to date me because i have children.

my situation may be different from the norm...my kids father is very involved in their lives--they live between our homes and our relationship is very good. i tend to have more available time, but when the kids are with me--they are the priority.

it could also be because of how i handle my children and relationships. they are completely separate. my kids don't meet men i date, they aren't involved in my dating. as a mother, and a woman of an impressionable young man and woman i don't think it's appropriate to involve my children in anything that is in the "getting to know you" phase with men. only when it's been a fairly serious situation have i even thought about mixing the two. i say "thought" about it, because it's only been a thought, it hasn't happened.
i have male friends who are strictly friends who have met my children but even that was carefully done.

i like to date men who also have kids--men who understand the comittment to being a parent first, and putting their kids ahead of their needs. all the 'no time for a relationship' stuff is a non-issue.

i have met many men who don't have kids and still understand and actually commend me for caring enough for my children to put them first, and they still want to date me.

i can see how it would be difficult for some men to become involved with a woman with children-depending on her relationship with her children's father(s) and her need/want of a male in her children's lives. but isnt that more about the woman and her ability to maintain or have a healthy relationship with her ex or wanting a new daddy, than it is about her having kids??
quote:
Originally posted by Nykkii:
as a divorced/single woman with kids...i don't have a problem dating men, or men not wanting to date me because i have children.

my situation may be different from the norm...my kids father is very involved in their lives--they live between our homes and our relationship is very good. i tend to have more available time, but when the kids are with me--they are the priority.

it could also be because of how i handle my children and relationships. they are completely separate. my kids don't meet men i date, they aren't involved in my dating. as a mother, and a woman of an impressionable young man and woman i don't think it's appropriate to involve my children in anything that is in the "getting to know you" phase with men. only when it's been a fairly serious situation have i even _thought_ about mixing the two. i say "thought" about it, because it's only been a thought, it hasn't happened.
i have male friends who are strictly friends who have met my children but even that was carefully done.

i like to date men who also have kids--men who understand the comittment to being a parent first, and putting their kids ahead of their needs. all the 'no time for a relationship' stuff is a non-issue.

i have met many men who don't have kids and still understand and actually commend me for caring enough for my children to put them first, and they still want to date me.

i can see how it would be difficult for some men to become involved with a woman with children-depending on her relationship with her children's father(s) and her need/want of a male in her children's lives. but isnt that more about the woman and her ability to maintain or have a healthy relationship with her ex or wanting a new daddy, than it is about her having kids??

great points, but the problem is prolly more elementary than that. In my mind, she comes first...in her mind, her kids comes first, then the relationship with the kids father, and then me...if i'm lucky that she isn't a 'career focused' female. That's third place at best. She is first with me, i'm third to her.

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Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
I've dated two different women with kids. Both times me and momma was slammin'. The kids weren't no big deal, it was the baby daddy drama that killed it. When she is by herself, they don't come around. As soon as they hear that another man has stepped up to the plate, here they come.

I'm the kind of person that like the quaility of life. I'm not a flashy person but when I go to the kitchen cubbard, I want it full. The same with the refrigerator or the freezer. I don't want to WANT for anything. Cable tv with all channels, internet service, pool table, marble chess set, etc. If I feel like going somewhere, hop in my four wheel drive truck and go.

The same with my relationship with a woman. I may want to just make love, to just cuddle or tear something up.

Basically, however I feel or whatever I feel like, its right there. It isn't flashy but its very comfortable. When a woman is with me, they get use to that type of lifestyle also. Thats where the problem comes in.

Either she starts talking to her friends or the kids do, either way, HE/THEY get wind of it. Even though they had NOTHING to do with her before you, they do now.

Happened to me TWICE.
I tried it once, just once. The end result is that I and that woman celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversay on July 15th. When I met her, her son was only two and she made it very clear that any future for us included him. When I first met him I had to bribe him with a MacDonalds hamburger for him to even come close to me Smile

The natural father was a bum and never came around, I raised this child as my own and to this day (he's 25 and in the Marines) the word father is reserved for me. I adopted him not so much as to cement the bond because the bond was and has always been strong between us but to protect him legally if something happened to me.

There were of course as he got older the expected questions about his natural father and my wife didn't hold anything back, in fact she made it a point that whenever we went back to Mississippi to take him around so he would know his birth fathers people and they would know him. For the most part these trips did not involve any time with his natural father.
I know problems me and some of my boys have/if not experienced are 1) the emotional withdrawal you feel towards the children after you break up with there mother. It's hard enough to for biological fathers to be included in there kids lives, but you now being "just some old boyfriend" know you've zero chance of keeping in contact with the children (if you want), one minute your apart of eachothers lives the next your not. And 2)even though alot of sistas (or I guess women as a whole for that matter) say they are NEVER getting back with there childs father, sometimes never is'nt as long as you'd like to think, and you have to decide "do I step aside and let this family come back together" (even though you've invested SO MUCH of yourself) "or do I stay" (and possibly impede on a traditional family trying to mend).
As one gets older, the number of single women without children drops significantly, so if you discount women with child, you are seriously limiting your choices.

I've been in two serious relationships where there were at least one child; one failed, one successful.

The failed relationship failed primarily because I don't believe in doing things half-way. If we are together, I accept you and yours as mine; just as everything I have is yours. The problem came after 4 years, when the son turned 16 and the daughter turned 15. Both began smelling themselves and started spinning out of control. I felt it was me job as man of the house to restore order. Although I never laid a hand on either of them, I did impose discipline and set limits. For example, If you're too sick to go to school, then you're too sick to go to the mall; if you don't do your chores, don't look to going anywhere.

However, the mother wanted more to be their friend, and as all kids will, they became very adept at playing "Mommy/daddy games", i.e., playing us off against each other. Well, enough became enough and we split.

I went into the second relationship with this lesson learned. After deciding that this was a relationship I wanted to pursue, but before committing, I spent alot of time observing how the mother interacted with her daughter. I also had alot of conversations about the role I would and.or was expected to play in her child's life, should we decide to move forward.

This relationship has blossomed and keeps getting better. Honest communication is key.
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
In my mind, she comes first...in her mind, her kids comes first, then the relationship with the kids father, and then me...if i'm lucky that she isn't a 'career focused' female. That's third place at best. She is first with me, i'm third to her.



i sense some immaturity in your approach to relationships...forgive me if i'm wrong.

why are you even trying to "place" yourself with her (the woman)? 1st place, 2nd place, etc??

serious relationships 'should' be about committment...committment to each other. if she's got kids, and you're serious about her then your committment is not to her alone--but to her and her children. she shouldn't be first on your list--her and her kids should be. as a mother, she isn't a "single package", she's a mother and if you're serious about her you should be as serious about her children. they are a package deal.

it takes a level of maturity to understand that when families are created there is an bond between those individuals that can't be broken because a new boyfriend comes into the picture. those relationships were there long before you were, and they'll be there after you're gone.
if the father is involved with his kids--get to know him. if she's career focused--support her in that instead of playing tit for tat i put her first she puts me third.

maybe it's good you're not interested in women with children...

Smile if you only want peas, don't pick out peas and carrots and the complain about the carrots...
quote:
Originally posted by Nykkii:
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
In my mind, she comes first...in her mind, her kids comes first, then the relationship with the kids father, and then me...if i'm lucky that she isn't a 'career focused' female. That's third place at best. She is first with me, i'm third to her.



i sense some immaturity in your approach to relationships...forgive me if i'm wrong.

why are you even trying to "place" yourself with her (the woman)? 1st place, 2nd place, etc??

serious relationships 'should' be about committment...committment to each other. if she's got kids, and you're serious about her then your committment is not to her alone--but to her and her children. she shouldn't be first on your list--her and her kids should be. as a mother, she isn't a "single package", she's a mother and if you're serious about her you should be as serious about her children. they are a package deal.

it takes a level of maturity to understand that when families are created there is an bond between those individuals that can't be broken because a new boyfriend comes into the picture. those relationships were there long before you were, and they'll be there after you're gone.
if the father is involved with his kids--get to know him. if she's career focused--support her in that instead of playing tit for tat i put her first she puts me third.

maybe it's good you're not interested in women with children...

Smile if you only want peas, don't pick out peas and carrots and the complain about the carrots...


far from immature, just simply looking at the whole picture logically. I'm not using 'emotion', like 'single moms need love too!!!'. I'm using logic to understand what my 'place' would be in her life.

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Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
Nykki is right that u have to b e cautious about letting somebody into your kids life. For that reason i don't think u should introduce someone to your kids until the relationship is pretty solid. I once, ahem, shacked up with a dude who had two kids. I got to know them and developed a relationship with them. It was hard on both the kids and me when the relationship ended. We tried writing to each other but that fizzled in the end. A child doesn't deserve to be hurt that way.
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
far from immature, just simply looking at the whole picture logically. I'm not using 'emotion', like 'single moms need love too!!!'. I'm using logic to understand what my 'place' would be in her life.



your 'place' with her would be where ever you made it---and her 'place' with you should contain her children not omitt them. by leaving or separating her from her kids in your relationship--you are in a sense knocking yourself down to third or fourth in my opinion. but again--u don't date women with kids so this is a mute conversation.
quote:
Originally posted by Nykkii:
quote:
Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
far from immature, just simply looking at the whole picture logically. I'm not using 'emotion', like 'single moms need love too!!!'. I'm using logic to understand what my 'place' would be in her life.



your 'place' with her would be where ever you made it---and her 'place' with you should contain her children not omitt them. by leaving or separating her from her kids in your relationship--you are in a sense knocking yourself down to third or fourth in my opinion. but again--u don't date women with kids so this is a mute conversation.

i was explaining the reasoning here. The point is a mere comparsion. Compare a single mom situation to a woman with no kids. The childless woman has less drama and more time for a relationship. I find it funny that many single mom 'prefer' to date men without kids, for the same reasons I mentioned

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Who in the hell left the gate open??? Confused
Somebody put roots on me Frown


G.O.M.A.B., H.O.B.O., M.O.B., and B.B.H. Rules of life!!!
quote:
Originally posted by darkbuck:
I've dated two different women with kids. Both times me and momma was slammin'. The kids weren't no big deal, it was the baby daddy drama that killed it. When she is by herself, they don't come around. As soon as they hear that another man has stepped up to the plate, here they come.

I'm the kind of person that like the quaility of life. I'm not a flashy person but when I go to the kitchen cubbard, I want it full. The same with the refrigerator or the freezer. I don't want to WANT for anything. Cable tv with all channels, internet service, pool table, marble chess set, etc. If I feel like going somewhere, hop in my four wheel drive truck and go.

The same with my relationship with a woman. I may want to just make love, to just cuddle or tear something up.

Basically, however I feel or whatever I feel like, its right there. It isn't flashy but its very comfortable. When a woman is with me, they get use to that type of lifestyle also. Thats where the problem comes in.

Either she starts talking to her friends or the kids do, either way, HE/THEY get wind of it. Even though they had NOTHING to do with her before you, they do now.

Happened to me TWICE.



great points

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'Sometimes life is obscene' - Black Crowes

'Who in the hell left the gate open???' Confused

'Somebody put roots on me' Frown

'I've fallen, and I can't give up!!!' broscream
great post...I can't add alot but from my experience...and having two daughters...I am very careful about having any woman in my life unless I know the direction of the relationship. My daughters will be with me, regardless of how the relationship turns out...and I also want to model for them the type of man they should be looking for. Because of this, I am very careful about any woman I would date with children. I can't be the father, I can be a male role model, if I fit what the woman desires.

One of the hardest aspect of a dating a woman with kids are the differences in values and structure, such as education, work ethic, discipline, etc. It's hard enough to make sure you and the other person, then adding children and their needs/expectations. If it clicks, then it's great.

One of the aspect not discussed is the age of the children...I think that impacts as well. Once the children are high school age, I think it becomes harder...because the demands are so different than when they are younger.

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