I know I've posted threads about men and given advice and such and such, but now it's time to come out the cyber closet to you all and let you know that I'm bi. (Like you really care, huh lol).

Anyway, I need HELP. You all know that I claim Islam as my faith and that's a terrible conflict already. I thought I'd be able to deal with it, but everyday I feel my attraction to women growing stronger and stronger to the point where I don't know what to do.

I haven't slept with a female yet. But I've been madly in love with one who I pursued for 3 and half years. She's straight, but she never got wierd on me or freaked out, even though I told her constantly that I loved her and wanted to be with her. She ended up becoming one of my best friends. Now she's gone to college and we don't speak anymore. I'm still reeling from my loss.

Do you guys think I'm on such a rampage because I'm looking for a replacement (which I know I'll never find), or is this just a 'phase'? I'm young and they say teens go through these types of things but I don't like to compare myself to my peers. My love for that girl was real.

My ex-boyfriend recently walked out on me in July one day for no reason other than "he needed to get his life together". I'm thinking this could be a cause of my anguish too.

I want to eventually officially convert to Islam, but I can't do it while harboring these emotions. I love men, but I love women too and these damn feelings won't go away. How can I find a balance without completely ignoring who I am inside? And how the hell can I get over the female love of my life?

(ps-guys, I completely, totally understand how you can get so caught up in the confines of a woman's appeal.)
***************************************************** "There's no original evil left in the world. Everyone's just recycling pain." -Keith Ablow, Projection *****************************************************
Original Post
SS,
I do not know how active they are, but as a college chaplain, I have referred people to Al-Fatiha.

This is the information from their fact sheet. I hope that it helps. Salaam!
*********************************************************************************************
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, Most Merciful

The Al-Fatiha Foundation for
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning
(LGBTQ) Muslims & their Friends

FACT SHEET

Contact Information:

Al-Fatiha Foundation Email: gaymuslims@yahoo.com
PO Box 33532 Web site: http://www.al-fatiha.net
Washington, DC 20033 Mailing List: al-fatiha-news-
subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Mission Statement:

Al-Fatiha is an international organization dedicated to Muslims who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered, those questioning their sexual orientation or gender identity, and their friends. Al-Fatiha's mission is to provide a safe space and a forum for LGBTQ Muslims and their friends to address issues of common concern, share individual experiences, and institutional resources. Al-Fatiha aims to support LGBTQ Muslims in reconciling their sexual orientation or gender identity with Islam. Al-Fatiha promotes the Islamic notions of social justice, peace and tolerance, to bring all closer to a world that is free from prejudice, injustice and discrimination.


Goals and Objectives

1. Support Muslims who identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, and those who are questioning their sexual orientation or gender identity.

2. Foster spirituality among LGBTQ Muslims.

3. Provide a supportive and understanding environment for LGBTQ Muslims who seek to reconcile their
sexual orientation or gender identity with Islam.

4. Empower LGBTQ Muslims by creating safe spaces to share individual experiences and by providing information about institutional resources.

5. Advocate on behalf of LGBTQ Muslims in national and international forums

6. Encourage and initiate dialogue with Muslim communities around issues of
sexuality and gender.


The Al-Fatiha Foundation aims to accomplish its mission, goals, and objectives by:

"¢ Establishing local support & discussion groups for LGBTQ Muslims in the U.S. and abroad.
"¢ Holding regional, North American, and international meetings.
"¢ Outreach on the internet



Past, Present, and Future of the Al-Fatiha Foundation

History:

Al-Fatiha started in November of 1997 when its Founder, Faisal Alam, started a listserv (internet-based email discussion group). The listserve now hosts more than 275 subscribers from over twenty countries around the world. Subscribers of the listserve decided soon after to meet in person at what became the First International Retreat for GLBT Muslims, held in Boston, Massachusetts, USA, in October 1998. More than 40 participants attended representing thirteen ethnicities and nationalities, including four international participants who came from South Africa, Canada, Belgium and the Netherlands. At the end of the three-day retreat participants formally decided that an international organization was needed in order to address the specific issues and problems facing the "gay" Muslim community. Al-Fatiha, Arabic for "The Opening," which was the theme of the retreat was thus adopted as the name of the organization to be established.

Since the retreat took place in 1998, eight chapters of Al-Fatiha have started in North America (in Atlanta, Los Angeles, New York City, San Diego, San Francisco, Toronto, Vancouver, and Washington DC). In November of 1999, Al-Fatiha established its first chapter outside of North America, in London, England. In 2002 Al-Fatiha plans to start future chapters in cities around the US, UK, and Canada. Chapters hold social events, discussion groups, parties, regional retreats, and participate in local events.

Structural and Organizational Development:

In January 1999 Al-Fatiha registered formally as an official tax-exempt, non-profit, religious organization. The US-based entity is known as Al-Fatiha Foundation, Inc. Our London chapter (created in November of 1999) has taken the lead to form Al-Fatiha, UK and hopes to register as a non-profit in the near future. In the summer of 2001, Al-Fatiha launched an official membership drive to generate on-going revenue and to establish a formal membership. Al-Fatiha Foundation in the USA has a board of directors, while Al-Fatiha UK has a group of volunteer coordinators.

Future Chapters:

In the years to come, the Al-Fatiha Foundation hopes to establish chapters across the United States and Canada, as well as countries abroad. By working with other LGBTQ organizations, non-governmental agencies, HIV/AIDS groups, human rights organizations, etc., Al-Fatiha will increase its visibility around the world and bring to light the complex issues facing the LGBTQ Muslim community.

Retreats and Conferences

Al-Fatiha has coordinated a number of retreats and conferences. In May of 1999, Al-Fatiha hosted the First North American Conference for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning (LGBTQ) Muslims & Friends. With more than sixty participants from across the U.S. and Canada, including two people from abroad, Al-Fatiha successfully hosted this historical event which was called the "first of its kind," in New York City, USA. With more than ten workshops and five plenary sessions, participants engaged in discussions on the many issues affecting their lives, their families, and their communities. In June of 2000, Al-Fatiha went to London for the 2nd International Retreat for LGBTQ Muslims & Friends (our first event outside of the USA). In June of 2001, Al-Fatiha held its 2nd North American Conference for LGBTQ Muslims & Friends in San Francisco and also participated in the San Francisco LGBT Pride Parade & Festival, marking the first time that an LGBT Muslim organization had marched in one of the largest Pride parades in the world.

Future Events:

In May 2002, Al-Fatiha will convene its Third International Retreat for LGBTQ Muslims & Friends in Washington, DC USA. In 2003, Al-Fatiha will host its 3rd North American Conference in Toronto, Canada. And in 2004 Al-Fatiha will head to Europe once again to hold its 4th International Retreat for LGBTQ Muslims & their friends.

Media Coverage:

Since its inception Al-Fatiha has received enormous media coverage across the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom and around the world. Almost every major LGBT newspaper in the Untied States has featured Al- Fatiha and its activities. Additionally Al-Fatiha and its members have been featured in: Trikone Magazine, The Advocate Magazine, Out Magazine, XY Magazine, The Gay Times of UK, and Diva Magazine. Al-Fatiha has also been featured in mainstream publications including The New York Times, Oakland Tribune, Milwaukee Sentinel, India Abroad, and The Washington Post. The Associated Press and Reuters have also mentioned Al-Fatiha in various articles. In August of 1999, Al-Fatiha was featured in the Akutel magazine of Turkey (a mainstream "lifestyle" publication). Coverage has also been received abroad in Bangladesh, India, South Africa, the Middle East and the Far East. In addition to press coverage Al-Fatiha has also been featured on a number of radio and TV programs including BBC Radio and BBC World Television.
**********************************************************************************************
SS - you be who you are. That is the most important thing in life. Then - you find the people and things to surround yourself with that reinforce and support your personal and unique sense of self. You will never be happy if you don't. If there is a disconnect between something you feel in your heart and soul, and something you think in your head - then your heart/soul must win out, otherwise you will be miserable sooner or later.

Do your thing girl! upfro The world is a big enough place that I'm sure you can find what you 're looking for. I bet there's another sister struggling with the same things out there who's looking for you. Find her! brosmile
quote:
Originally posted by SistahSouljah:
I know I've posted threads about men and given advice and such and such, but now it's time to come out the cyber closet to you all and let you know that I'm bi. (Like you really care, huh lol).


Bi what? brosmile
The only reason I would care is, if you and your friend were to come to my house and.......wait, my bad wrong board..... rotflmao

The only advice I can give is "reach for the moon, and if you fail you'll still be amoung the stars".
I think that means follow you heart Wink



catch
quote:
Originally posted by ocatchings:
quote:
Originally posted by SistahSouljah:
I know I've posted threads about men and given advice and such and such, but now it's time to come out the cyber closet to you all and let you know that I'm bi. (Like you really care, huh lol).


Bi what? brosmile
The only reason I would care is, if you and your friend were to come to my house and.......wait, my bad wrong board..... rotflmao




Lol verrrry cute. I just felt that I had to talk to somebody about it since I feel like it's taking over my life.
You know what's funny? I'm not really even for the whole gay marriage thing, and I'm taught to believe that homosexuality is wrong...
But I can't stop myself from nearly drooling over some of these women out here. The way some of them look should be illegal, damn.
quote:
Originally posted by MBM:
SS - you be who you are. That is the most important thing in life. Then - you find the people and things to surround yourself with that reinforce and support your personal and unique sense of self. You will never be happy if you don't. If there is a disconnect between something you feel in your heart and soul, and something you think in your head - then your heart/soul must win out, otherwise you will be miserable sooner or later.

Do your thing girl! upfro The world is a big enough place that I'm sure you can find what you 're looking for. I bet there's another sister struggling with the same things out there who's looking for you. Find her! brosmile


Thank you soooo much I think that's what I really needed to hear. I'm always the one to give the love advice but when it comes to my own love life, I'm screwed.
But I know I'd feel empty if I ignored what I know is real and true. I've never been one to do that and I don't wanna start now.
Thanks.
quote:
Originally posted by SistahSouljah:
quote:
Originally posted by ocatchings:
quote:
Originally posted by SistahSouljah:
I know I've posted threads about men and given advice and such and such, but now it's time to come out the cyber closet to you all and let you know that I'm bi. (Like you really care, huh lol).


Bi what? brosmile
The only reason I would care is, if you and your friend were to come to my house and.......wait, my bad wrong board..... rotflmao




Lol verrrry cute. I just felt that I had to talk to somebody about it since I feel like it's taking over my life.
You know what's funny? I'm not really even for the whole gay marriage thing, and I'm taught to believe that homosexuality is wrong...
But I can't stop myself from nearly drooling over some of these women out here. The way some of them look should be illegal, damn.


I have been taught that it is wrong as well, but maybe I'm getting soft in my old age and with a new look on life after the military. I try not to condem nor condone the gay issue so all I can say is I wish you the best. If she makes you happy then thumbsup
I have seen some of the women in Cali so I understand your delimma and if they don't work out be sure to give them my address, (please)!!!!!!

catch
quote:
Originally posted by SistahSouljah:
I'm not really even for the whole gay marriage thing, and I'm taught to believe that homosexuality is wrong...But I can't stop myself from nearly drooling over some of these women out here.


Do you think that you would even have the desire to relate to women in this way if homosexuality were not so pervasive in this society? I ask this because having at least one homosexual encounter, especially in one's youth, is almost viewed as a rite of passage in American society. It has gotten to the point that if youngsters are not at least willing to participate in some form of experimentation with the opposite sex, they are "not cool." This is unfortunate because in many instances, recreational sex during this tender age often times leads to contracting sexually trasmitted diseases, including HIV AIDS which can remain dormant for years. Having said this, I strongly suggest that before you consider acting on these desires (whether they are permanent or fleeing) that you seriously consider what type of lifestyle and decisions will be the most helpful in securing your health and future. From your post and responses, I think you have a promising future and I would hate to learn that yet another youngster has gotten caught up in the tradewinds of our society. Finally, know that it is possible to admire a woman's "attractiveness" without having a sexual interest in the person. Alot of attraction that women may conjure up for one another has to do with the fact that in American society there is too much emphasis on women's attractiveness in the first place. Also, the oversexualization of women in the media, music videos, and magazines contributes to the deformation of both men's and women's social development and romantic interest. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that you are "twisted", many of us are suffering from the same ailment. All of it has to do with the chauvinism that is so apparent in this society and is precisely why when people talk about women all they can usually talk about is their "attractiveness," how "pretty they are," or their "sexy bodies." Like they say, its a man's world (when really its a perverted man's world). Stay strong sistah. We will get you out of this mess. Hold on.
Recommendations For Staying Grounded and Keeping Things in Perspective (FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN):

(1) Do not read magazines and/or cancel subscriptions to magazines where there is an excessive amount of attention paid to a woman's appearance, body, or the sexualization of her body. Also limit your viewing of rap videos, which are especially mysognynic.

(2) Get in touch with your spirituality, attend a nondenominational church, or spend time with elders to get your heart and mind back in balance.

(3) Read books, listen to soothing music, take a trip to get reoriented, talk to people that you admire and trust, or volunteer to work with children*, volunteering with the children always reminds me just how important it is for me to be responsible, to be a good role model for them, and to make wise decisions.

(4) And again, here is some advice that both women and men can use: When you encounter a youngster and the youngster is female (or even if its a woman), try not to complement her on her looks alone. There are so many things that you can find out about a woman that is impressive (e.g. Is she attending college, has she completed college, does she have her own business, does she have children, is she happily married, is she happily single, is she a teacher, a professor, a doctor...). Get to know women and you will learn that there is so many other things to complement and praise them for beside what they look like or what they are wearing. Doing this, helps women and young girls understand their worth is not determined by how they look that day.

Thank you!
Rowe-

Thank you, you give a lot of good advice. I suppose I would not be so strung out on women if the state of their appearance weren't advertised so much. It is a shame, because such an emphasis is put on the way we look, instead of our values. In a way it connects to "The Good Man".

If I delve into the realms of my spirituality I think I should be able to conquer the demon (although I don't like to call it that because I appreciate women more than alot of men do). I just don't understand how an emotion can be evil, especially when I didn't do anything to invoke it. Personally, I can't find anything evil about loving someone, I don't see how it can be wrong. Wanting to take advantage of someone and exploiting them, yes, but love just can't be malignant IMO.

So....I will cut back on the mags and videos as you suggested. Maybe I can find a balance where I can recognize and appreciate the gifts a woman has to offer, and somehow find joy in that without having to engage in a sexual relationship.
I think that would be a good idea because, so far, I mean the only thing that you have been commenting on with respect to your attraction for women is their looks so I figured if you cut back on sources that are ultimately feeding your lust for them, then you can objectively know for sure if women is what you want.

You know I'm not trying to say that your interest in women is "evil" or whatever. I am saying that (and this is my opinion) that alot of homosexual interest has to do with the type of culture that we live in, what we are exposed to, and our socialization. Homosexuality is so pervasive, they are literally throwing it in our faces everyday, you know? That is why you, I, and everyone else (though they would never openly admit it) has at least considered the possibility of sleeping with the opposite sex, whereas if we were in another culture, such a thought would probably never enter our minds. But the last thing black people need right now is broken homes. So we can't afford to do everything white people do on their leisure time. I believe our children need a mother and a father. Not five mothers and one father as Manchild would have it, but one stable minded mother and one stable minded father is plenty. That's what I believe and I won't apologize for my belief. But if you decide you want the women then more power to you.
Rowe you DEFINITELY have a point about family. Black folks are in trouble big time when it comes to maintaining stable households. I never knew my dad, my sister doesn't know hers, and my mom didn't know hers either. It is a definite crisis, and even within my own family I see the lines dying off. One of my major goals has always been to preserve my blood, by becoming financial stable, happily married, and shootin' out as many little girls and boys as I can. If that means 5, 10, or 15, so be it. (And I do understand the requirements for this, I won't be irresponsible about it, trust.)

Thinking about that definitely makes me want to focus more on heterosexuality and familial stability. Thanks for bringing it up. To me, that holds more merit than the question of whether or not how I feel is evil anyway.
Sis S.,

before you make a foray into homosexuality, I think you should try to understand why you are attracted to both men and women. What exactly is the source of your conflict. As I have stated before, I am no Dr. Phil, but as I was reading your posts, I said to myself; "...I wonder if her father was involved in her life..." and as it turns out, he was not. That, in my estimation, could be a reason for your conflict - that is not to say that all people who did not have paternal involvement will be gay, but it does play a part in many gay peoples lives - whether they admit it or not. The reason I "know" this is because I have worked in the entertainment industry for 20+ years and have met a lot of gay people, male and female. I have had many conversations and one common thread is no father - either emotionally or physically. I am not trying to tell you or anybody else how to conduct your life, all I am saying is investigate and understand before you commit yourself sexually. If you get a chance, check out the book "When Chickenheads Come Home To Roost" by Joan Morgan. It is not about homosexuality, rather it is about relationships and how paternal participation, or the lack there of, can affect them.
AG...

I think you're right. Not having a father has affected me greatly and I'm not ashamed to say it (although he should be). It's probably also the reason why I gravitate toward older men.

As far as figuring out EXACTLY why I feel the way I do, well, that's gonna take time, a pen, and a whole bunch of paper. But maybe I can devise a decent reason or reasons, come to a conclusion...bout time I've had a long talk with myself anyhow.

Thanks for the advice bro. brokiss
Two points in response to AG's post -

quote:
Originally posted by AudioGuy:

before you make a foray into homosexuality, I think you should try to understand why you are attracted to both men and women. What _exactly_ is the source of your conflict.


Does it necessarily have to be a "conflict"? Some people say that sexuality is on a continuum with heterosexuality and homosexuality on either ends and that most people are in the middle somewhere. Maybe she is just exploring who she is - trying to determione where exactly she is on that continuum? That can be not so much about conflict, but about self-discovery.

quote:
. . . all I am saying is investigate and understand before you commit yourself sexually.


Thankfully, the decision doesn't have to be forever. You can, if you choose, define your life in whatever way that makes sense to you whenever you like, however times it makes sense for you. brosmile
quote:
Originally posted by MBM:
Two points in response to AG's post -

quote:
Originally posted by AudioGuy:

before you make a foray into homosexuality, I think you should try to understand why you are attracted to both men and women. What _exactly_ is the source of your conflict.


Does it necessarily have to be a "conflict"? Some people say that sexuality is on a continuum with heterosexuality and homosexuality on either ends and that most people are in the middle somewhere...


I don't know who those people are, but I don't think that they know what they are talking about. IMO

quote:
...Maybe she is just exploring who she is - trying to determione where exactly she is on that continuum? That can be not so much about conflict, but about self-discovery.


The title of this post suggests conflict: "Bisexual & Twisted". Maybe I misinterpreted, but I don't think so.
quote:
Originally posted by AudioGuy:

quote:
...Maybe she is just exploring who she is - trying to determione where exactly she is on that continuum? That can be not so much about conflict, but about self-discovery.


The title of this post suggests conflict: _"Bisexual & Twisted"_. Maybe I misinterpreted, but I don't think so.


"Bisexual and Twisted", IMO, does not by definition infer conflict. To me it more suggests confusion, self-doubt, etc. IMO those all could be steps on the path to discovery - which is a good thing. "Society" tends to look at one who is questioning their sexuality as it is a "conflict". If one has to "question" their sexual identity then something must be "wrong" with that person. IMO that perspective perpetuates a negative connotation to sexuality that is inappropriate. One's sexuality is what it is. It is not a fight or struggle to initiate, but for those who feel something different than what society tells them they should feel - it is a quest for their identity. I don't see that as an internal conflict in any way. Where the conflict may come into play is when one's sexuality intersects with society. I don't sense that that conflict is what is at hand here.
quote:
Originally posted by MBM:
"Bisexual and Twisted", IMO, does not by definition infer conflict. To me it more suggests confusion, self-doubt, etc. IMO those all could be steps on the path to discovery - which is a good thing. "Society" tends to look at one who is questioning their sexuality as it is a "conflict". If one has to "question" their sexual identity then something must be "wrong" with that person. IMO that perspective perpetuates a negative connotation to sexuality that is inappropriate. One's sexuality is what it is. It is not a fight or struggle to initiate, but for those who feel something different than what society tells them they should feel - it is a quest for their identity. I don't see that as an internal conflict in any way. Where the conflict may come into play is when one's sexuality intersects with society. I don't sense that that conflict is what is at hand here.


I looked up confusion and conflict on dictionary.com... You be the judge...
quote:
Originally posted by AudioGuy:

I looked up confusion and conflict on dictionary.com... You be the judge...


If I were single and confronted with the choice of Halle Berry or Vanessa Williams, I would be confused. There would, however, be no conflict.

If I won the lottery and had to decide between taking $150 million in a lump sum or $230 million over 20 years, I would be confused. There would be no conflict.

If I were down to my last $100 and I could either spend it at Magic City or buy groceries, I would be confused. There would not be conflict however.

brosmile

IMHO, confusion can be a good thing. Conflict typically is not. brosmile
quote:
Originally posted by MBM:
If I were single and confronted with the choice of Halle Berry or Vanessa Williams, I would be confused. There would, however, be no conflict.


You would not be confused... you would be dreaming.

quote:
If I won the lottery and had to decide between taking $150 million in a lump sum or $230 million over 20 years, I would be confused. There would be no conflict.


The only conflict would be where in the Carribean you would be living...

quote:
If I were down to my last $100 and I could either spend it at Magic City or buy groceries, I would be confused. There would not be conflict however.


Wrong... if you came home with a matchbook from Magic City instead of groceries, your wife would conflict you with a frying panbrosmile



quote:
...Conflict typically is not. brosmile


Just ask the Iraqis. broscream
Not to go throwing my spiritual beliefs into the mix here... but...

If in your heart you know that you are not committing wrongdoing merely by feeling what you feel, then do not allow other belief systems or opinions to make you feel guilty about the way you feel. Do not allow such belief systems to compel you to paint yourself as a bad person or some kind of spiritual criminal.

Those who are heavily committed to a religion, who suffer all kinds of strife because of the clash between who they are and what the religion says, are suffering at the hands of the religion, not at the hands of who they are, provided that who they are is not inherently malicious or likely to cause harm to others. True wrongdoing involves conscious action. Since you did not choose to have bisexual feelings, and since lesbian acts inherently are not, in themselves, harmful to consenting adults, what I'm saying absolutely applies to you.

I hope my wording isn't too confusing. The bottom line is, do you, and if other people's opinions or teachings try to compel the conclusion that your personal business is a crime, then to hell with them, not you.

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