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Alright the other day some friends and I were having a discussion and somehow, someway, the topic got on to sex. Well, I'm a virgin and I plan to stay that way until 'm married, but they didn't really know that. So when I told them this...they looked at me like I was diseased! Then one of my so called friends started laughing and said..."No wonder you ain't got no boyfriend. Ain't no dude about to marry you to get some."
Now I'm not gon' lie it kind of hurt my feelings, but i just rolled my eyes and kept on going. But, you know, it's been sticking with me and I can like hear it. You want to know the sad part...I kinda think it's true. Because when I told my last boyfriend that I was a virgin and planned on staying that way until marriage he sort of laughed too, but then after three months he broke up with me. Basically I think my friend has a point... maybe it's time to start conforming to the masses. What do you guys think? Am I asking too much by asking for marriage before sex?
~~Dream big...because any other way is a waste of time!!~~
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Oh dear sister, this is such a fragile topic. I hope people are just as careful responding to your dilemma as I hope to be. This is what I think you should do. If you are going to stand by your values, then ONLY DATE men who share your values. That is, men who are committed to remaining a virgin until marriage. Unless that individual is interested in one day marrying you, I think it's little unfair to expect someone who is sexually-active and who enjoys an active sex life to conform to your values. Therefore, I suggests that you join:

  • Christian singles clubs, bolling, skating

  • Christian singles trips and vacations

  • Christian singles outings and picnics

    These are places where you are likely to meet guys who share your values and commitment to abstinence until marriage.
  • Last edited {1}
    I agree with Rowe, even though you might be in the minority, you must stand by your ideas. Look to date men that share your beliefs... they are around... there are probably more virgin men by choice than you realize. However, it would be difficult, not impossible for someone that is already sexually active to be expected to wait for marriage to have sex (again).

    Joining Christian singles groups does not guarantee you will meet a man that will want to abstain from sex until marriage.

    Love/Committment before sex is probably the best way to go. Sex before love can lead to endless headaches--especially if you are seeking a good relationship.
    quote:
    Originally posted by thayfen:
    Asking too much? You're not asking for anything"”you're stating terms, terms which indicate a standard which you hold yourself to. Good for you! As an individual it is your right to decide which actions you will take in directing the course of your life.

    Just hang tight, and remember: Your body, your decision.


    I agree with theyfen 100% on this. Everyone sets standards for themselves, and there is no law that says your standards have to be the same as anyone else's.

    Do your thing, girl! tfro
    Please, please, please don't let them change your outlook and your goal. Following the masses does not make you "cool" or any other such garbage. It makes you on of the flock of sheep....and sheep get fleeced! Keep doing what you are doing and in the end, you'll be the one laughing not them. Oh and SistaSoulja has a point....get some new friends. Fast......
    quote:
    Originally posted by tru2urself16:
    Alright the other day some friends and I were having a discussion and somehow, someway, the topic got on to sex. Well, I'm a virgin and I plan to stay that way until 'm married, but they didn't really know that. So when I told them this...they looked at me like I was diseased! Then one of my so called friends started laughing and said..."No wonder you ain't got no boyfriend. Ain't no dude about to marry you to get some."
    Now I'm not gon' lie it kind of hurt my feelings, but i just rolled my eyes and kept on going. But, you know, it's been sticking with me and I can like hear it. You want to know the sad part...I kinda think it's true. Because when I told my last boyfriend that I was a virgin and planned on staying that way until marriage he sort of laughed too, but then after three months he broke up with me. Basically I think my friend has a point... maybe it's time to start conforming to the masses. What do you guys think? Am I asking too much by asking for marriage before sex?


    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ADMIRE YOU FOR BEING IN A SITUATION, AND HANDLED IT WITH PRIDE. GIRLFRIEND, I WISH I WOULD HAVE WAITED BEFORE I GOT MARRIED, BUT I DIDN'T. THIS IS NOT TO BE LOOKED DOWN ON. YOU WILL BE SURPRISED ABOUT HOW MANY MEN...YES MEN, THAT ARE STILL VIRGINS, AND LOOKING FOR A WOMAN THAT IS A VIRGIN TOO. DO NOT LET YOUR SO-CALLED FRIENDS TURN YOU AWAY FROM THE FUTURE GOAL YOU WANT TO REACH. DEEP DOWN I WILL BET YOU A DOLLAR THEY ADMIRE YOU, BUT LAUGHED BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DID. I HOPE THAT YOU WILL FIND TRUE LOVE, YOUR SOUL MATE THAT WILL BE "THE ONE" SMILE FOR YOU.THE GUY THAT BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE (YOU WOULD NOT SLEEP WITH HIM PROBABLY) IS NOT ONLY IMMATURE, BUT A JACK---. SORRY SLIPPED OUT. MY LAST PIECE OF ADVICE TO YOU, MY SISTER IS STAY WHO YOU ARE, IT WILL PAY OFF ON THE END. PEACE
    Why Are We Still Equating Virginity With Purity???

    However, if she ever does decide to activate her sex life, I say, do not subsequently burden yourself down with resentment and regrets. Being a virgin (or not a virgin) does not define who you are as a person. That is why I feel sorry for the woman who feels as if she has somehow lost her very essence after having sex because her self-worth and self-esteem is intimately tied to her virginity. This woman would benefit from knowing that women are much more than what's between our legs. And we have lots more to contribute to our world than our bodies and sex. Knowing this has prompted me to develop a strong opposition to the moral and social expectation for women to remain virgins until marriage, which in my opinion, is an obsolete and chauvinistic sexual imposition that has been created in the best interest of men. And as long as we maintain these antiquated views that tell us being a virgin makes us more "righteous," "clean" and "holy" than the those who are not, we will continue to unecessarily feel guilt and shame for enjoying an active sex life. It is equally important for us to realize that having an active sex life does NOT have to mean becoming promiscuous. What makes a person "pure" are their good deeds, integrity, honesty, unselfishness, and enthusiasm for life, NOT whether or not they can abstain from sex for longer periods than others.

    I'm not trying to change your religious views, mind you, I'm just sharing my values and perspective as well. It's your life, and so you still must do what is best for you sister.
    Last edited {1}
    quote:
    Originally posted by Rowe:
    Why Are We Still Equating Virginity With Purity???

    However, if she ever does decide to activate her sex life, I say, do not subsequently burden yourself down with resentment and regrets. Being a virgin (or not a virgin) does not define who you are as a person. That is why I feel sorry for the woman who feels as if she has somehow lost her very essence after having sex, because Women are much more than what's between our legs, and we have lots more to contribute to our world than our bodies and sex. That is why I am strongly opposed to women identifying too closely with maintaining their virginity, which, in my opinion is an obsolete and chauvinistic sexual imposition placed solely and unfairly upon women. As long as we maintain these antiquated views that tell us being a virgin make us more "righteous," "clean" and/or "holy" than the those who are not, we will continue to fill guilt and shame for enjoying an active sex life. And having an active sex life does NOT have to mean being promiscuous. What makes a person "pure" are their good deeds, integrity, honesty, unselfishness, and enthusiasm for life, NOT whether or not they can abstain from sex for longer periods than others.

    I'm not trying to change your religious views, mind you, I'm just sharing my values and perspective as well. It's your life, and so you still must do what is best for you.



    Preach it, girl!! This post perfectly sums up why I consciously avoided virgins even I was one at the age of 23. It seems too many ladies tie a state of righeousness or purity to being a virgin, but the idea is not even supported biblically. As Rowe suggested, the real message should be that ladies have much more to offer than their virginity. But I do believe that it is a good thing to do if a person want to do so. I just did not find the idea of a girl being a virgin as well as touting the fact she is one as an ideal woman for me...sounded more like self-righteous boasting. But to each one, his/her own.
    quote:
    Originally posted by folobatuyi:
    The real message should be that ladies have much more to offer than their virginity.


    I'M MORE THAN JUST A BOOTY!

    I agree. Another excellent observation. I'm also against women describing their first love-making experience as having "lost" their virginity. What have you lost, exactly? Is virginity your heart, your soul, your mind, or your ability to think and evolve as a human being? Does a woman die after having sex? Does she become useless to society? These kinds of questions need to be seriously addressed because they reveal people's attitudes about the worth of women in general.

    I don't regret having my first love-making experience. I wanted to do it, and I liked it. My boyfriend and I at the time were very much in love and he cared for me a great deal. I feel no shame or guilt about having lived this experience. It's apart of my life and I accept it. It's all good. Life is good. And no, I'm not promiscuous. My relationships tend to be years apart.
    quote:
    Originally posted by Rowe:
    quote:
    Originally posted by folobatuyi:
    The real message should be that ladies have much more to offer than their virginity.


    I'M MORE THAN JUST A BOOTY!


    Rowe King, you're full of surprises as ever Smile

    I've come a little late to the discussion. But to throw my two cents in, I agree that people need to do what they feel most comfortable doing. But I too find it odd that some women place so much value on maintaining virginity. I recently had this discussion with a woman friend who thought that it was the greatest gift a woman could give a future husband. I found it peculiar. Because speaking as a man, I don't judge prospective mates on whether or not they are virgins. But rather on their self-respect and what they've accomplished outside the bedroom - inside the headroom so to speak.

    No matter what you decide, respect yourself, be responsible, and choose partners that do the same Smile
    quote:
    Originally posted by folobatuyi:
    quote:
    Originally posted by Frenchy:
    quote:
    if a woman's virginity is "the greatest gift a woman can give to a man," then what is a man's greatest gift he can give to a woman?


    Financial Stability tongue


    What is meant by this exactly?


    Is "Financial Stability" means getting a steady paycheck as in a working guy, or a feminese code word for "baller, shot caller?"
    quote:
    Originally posted by Huey:
    quote:
    Originally posted by art_gurl:
    quote:
    Originally posted by Huey:
    what is a man's greatest gift he can give to a woman?


    R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Smile


    Art? This R.E.S.P.E.C.T is reciprocal right?


    Of course! two yin-yang (man/woman) pieces of equal value that fit together to make a beatiful 'whole'. Smile Co-operative, not competitive.
    .
    I've waited to repsond to some of the things posted because I wanted to think about my reasoning for my choice. Now I can't say that my choice has anything to do with religion or thinking that by beinging a virgin I am holy or clean, it's not. I respect people who have different views than mine and I think that it's your own choice and that you have to do what;s right for you. In the past few days I've been thinking about that more and more. That I have to do what's right for me just like they have to do what's right for them.
    But the more I think about my choice, the more I am able to respond truthfully. The reason I have decided to stay a virgin is really out of fear. Not the fear of being in a sexual relationship, but the fear of not being cherished. The women in my life have all given it away before marriage and the result has been disasterous for them. My fear is borne of that. I don't want to end up like more than half of the girls I went to high school with. The ones who had dreams and ambition, but are now stuck flipping burgers because they got pregnant and gave up. To me my virginity is something I hold close to my heart. When i give it to whom ever I chose I want...no I need to know that they LOVE ME, not what's between my legs. In my neighborhood girls give themselevs away to freely and then reap the consequences by themseleves. I don't want that. I guess I just figure that if he can wait with me then he can get to know me. So then when I give myself to him he won't take it lightly.
    Now that's what I wanted to say. Oh Huey... for me the guy doesn't have to have been a virgin. I like to think that our connection will be much deeper than sex. And the greatest gift that a man could give me is...understanding, cherishing, respect, and thoughfulness(All the things I don't get very much).
    quote:
    Originally posted by tru2urself16:
    I don't want to end up like more than half of the girls I went to high school with. The ones who had dreams and ambition, but are now stuck flipping burgers because they got pregnant and gave up. To me my virginity is something I hold close to my heart. When i give it to whom ever I chose I want...no I need to know that they LOVE ME, not what's between my legs.... I guess I just figure that if he can wait with me then he can get to know me. So then when I give myself to him he won't take it lightly...... And the greatest gift that a man could give me is...understanding, cherishing, respect, and thoughfulness(All the things I don't get very much).



    tfro Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and honesty. Best of luck finding that special someone. And please continue to be true to yourself.
    quote:
    Originally posted by tru2urself16:
    In my neighborhood girls give themselevs away to freely and then reap the consequences by themseleves. I don't want that.


    I think you are making the right decision. I'm definitely against young people having sex. Considering all of the things that young people must think about on a daily basis (e.g., maintaining decent grades, attending college, and facing peer pressures), the last thing that should be on their minds is having sex! It's wonderful that you are committed to your goals. appl
    Last edited {1}
    quote:
    Originally posted by Rowe:
    quote:
    Originally posted by tru2urself16:
    In my neighborhood girls give themselevs away to freely and then reap the consequences by themseleves. I don't want that.


    I think you are making the right decision. I'm definitely against young people having sex. Considering all of the things that young people must think about on a daily basis (e.g., maintaining decent grades, attending college, and facing peer pressures), the last thing that should be on their minds is having sex! It's wonderful that you are committed to your goals. appl



    yeah tfro

    I am glad to see that you have gave it some thought; All I can say is that I pray that you will find the guy that understands and cherishes your feelings.
    quote:
    Originally posted by tru2urself16:
    I've waited to repsond to some of the things posted because I wanted to think about my reasoning for my choice. Now I can't say that my choice has anything to do with religion or thinking that by beinging a virgin I am holy or clean, it's not. I respect people who have different views than mine and I think that it's your own choice and that you have to do what;s right for you. In the past few days I've been thinking about that more and more. That I have to do what's right for me just like they have to do what's right for them.
    But the more I think about my choice, the more I am able to respond truthfully. The reason I have decided to stay a virgin is really out of fear. Not the fear of being in a sexual relationship, but the fear of not being cherished. The women in my life have all given it away before marriage and the result has been disasterous for them. My fear is borne of that. I don't want to end up like more than half of the girls I went to high school with. The ones who had dreams and ambition, but are now stuck flipping burgers because they got pregnant and gave up. To me my virginity is something I hold close to my heart. When i give it to whom ever I chose I want...no I need to know that they LOVE ME, not what's between my legs. In my neighborhood girls give themselevs away to freely and then reap the consequences by themseleves. I don't want that. I guess I just figure that if he can wait with me then he can get to know me. So then when I give myself to him he won't take it lightly.
    Now that's what I wanted to say. Oh Huey... for me the guy doesn't have to have been a virgin. I like to think that our connection will be much deeper than sex. And the greatest gift that a man could give me is...understanding, cherishing, respect, and thoughfulness(All the things I don't get very much).



    You obviously have a good head and heart. There is NOTHING wrong with your reasoning. tfro

    Everyone that has responded gave some very good advice.

    I learned a very important lesson at a very early age and it helped me to avoid making some bad decisions. The lesson I learned is that TRUE friends accept you for who and what you are. A real friend is not going to "encourage" you to do something that you don't want to do or would cause harm. I wish more young people could learn this and stop making such bad choices due to peer pressure.

    So your friends may make fun of you for being a virgin but they shouldn't be pressuring you to compromise your values.

    I have a friend who wasn't a virgin but his fiancé was. They were engaged for three years and she was still a virgin when they broke up. He ended it because she wasn't really ready to leave mommy and daddy yet NOT because of her virginity. So there are guys out there that may wait...rare...but they are out there.

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