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Many want to be but are they ready? Are you ready for marriage? If so, why. If not, why not? What do you think makes one ready for marriage.
_______________________ "Morality cannot be legislated but behaviour can be regulated. Judicial decrees may not change the heart but they can restrain the heartless." Martin Luther King.
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quote:
Finding someone who is headed in the same direction as you.


Ya..but what if the direction you're headed in is a dead end Big Grin

So you think that for marriage to work that people just have to fall in love and share similar interest and it's all good?

Why is that when it comes to two of the most important roles people can have in life – husband/wife and mother/father that we think we just go out and do it with no real training or preparation. You have to have training and/or a license for damn near everything EXCEPT these two roles.

No wonder almost half the marriages end in divorce.

True a couple can CONTINUE to grow. We are all works in progress as my wife says. But IMHO I beleive that a person needs to focus and work on being ready to take on these roles BEFORE marriage.
quote:
Ya..but what if the direction you're headed in is a dead end Big Grin


Two people both headed in a bad direction have much more chance of staying together and remaining married than a couple where one is onward and upward and the other is headed into the gutter.

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So you think that for marriage to work that people just have to fall in love and share similar interest and it's all good?

No, I'm not talking about falling in love and having the same interests. I'm talking about having the same projected life view/path. If your goal in life is to accumulate an enormous amount of wealth by the time you die, you need to find someone who has that same life goal, because they will understand why it is more important for you to get something finished at work than to eat dinner with the family. They can respect and appreciate that because it makes sense to them. You need someone who can see the same "big picture." If have no direction at all, neither up nor down, you need to figure that out before you look for someone to marry. Whether you love each other or whether you both like tennis or all of those other things don't, IMO, accurately determine whether or not you and someone else are compatible for the long-haul and whether you both are ready to start a life together.

quote:
Why is that when it comes to two of the most important roles people can have in life – husband/wife and mother/father that we think we just go out and do it with no real training or preparation.


I just don't subscribe to the idea that there is a one-size-fits-all training/preparation for marriage (different from dating which is fairly formulaic). The tools you will need to stay married are highly dependent on who you are married to. JMHO.
I think I am ready marriage. But I don't think I want to be. Smile

Having waited so long and living and learning, I've been able to get what I think is a good understanding of what marriage is all about. Which is why I think I would prefer to be single. However, getting "ready" for marriage is really just about getting to know the other person before agreeing/deciding to actually commit to spending the rest of your life with this person ... and whatever falls in between!

And I'm not talking about just spending some time, watching the other person, picking out the cute little things you like and making them become what this person is all about. I'm talking about asking questions, probing, testing your own knowledge of this person, and taking what's good and what's bad and determining that the good is overwhelmingly worth it.

I don't think that we talk to each other nearly enough. It's all about expectations and whether or not this person meets those. And so many times, those expectations are superficial anyway.

Although I do believe in the rarity of love at first sight, I think most falling in love takes time, and learning and an appreciation, a little respect doesn't hurt, either. Smile Saying you're in love because that's what your head says to say, and actually being in love because that is what your heart actually feels are two very different things.

But marriage takes love + a whole lot of other stuff! Big Grin And knowing with whom you're going to be going through that other stuff with is extremely, extremely important. IMO
quote:
Originally posted by MidLifeMan:
Ya..but what if the direction you're headed in is a dead end Big Grin


what does this mean - a dead end? You have nothing in common? You grow apart?

So you think that for marriage to work that people just have to fall in love and share similar interest and it's all good?

no relationship just grows by itself - you reap what you sow.

Why is that when it comes to two of the most important roles people can have in life – husband/wife and mother/father that we think we just go out and do it with no real training or preparation. You have to have training and/or a license for damn near everything EXCEPT these two roles.

No wonder almost half the marriages end in divorce.


you're right in that there is no guidebook or map - I think that's because the same person is in a unique dynamic in every relationship.

True a couple can CONTINUE to grow. We are all works in progress as my wife says. But IMHO I beleive that a person needs to focus and work on being ready to take on these roles BEFORE marriage.

you can be 'ready' but you're never really ready if you know what i mean. It is a journey. You never 'arrive and unpack.' It's a continous thing.
Smile
quote:
I don't think that we talk to each other nearly enough. It's all about expectations and whether or not this person meets those. And so many times, those expectations are superficial anyway.


appl

I just don't subscribe to the idea that there is a one-size-fits-all training/preparation for marriage (different from dating which is fairly formulaic). The tools you will need to stay married are highly dependent on who you are married to. JMHO

I didn't mean to imply that if people are "ready" and if they meet someone else who is "ready" that will mean a match or perfect fit.

Marriage doesn't mean there will be no growth as individuals and as a couple. Actually the opposite is true. So yes, I agree with you that people will have to adjust to someone based on who they marry. Hopefully the adjustment is minimal.

However, I do believe that there ARE tools and a place that people need to be at in order to meet the challenges of marriage and starting a family. There is more too it then having the same beliefs i.e. religion/politics or career or financial goals. And there are certain types of training or things one can do to "prepare". Which only make sense?

Why is it that we can train and prepare for every other task but marriage? Would any of us want a doctor, lawyer, dentist that just "fell into the occupation" but had no training. Not to say that they couldn't possible self train but would you really want to use their services?

Have you ever worked with a bunch of professionals on a project? Have you ever seen a group of people with hi IQs working on a task that drags along because despite their knowledge, skills, and common goal – they can't work well together? They fight over small stuff because they all want to be right rather then make it to meet their collective goals. They can't COMMUNICATE because they don't know how to listen and respect someone else's opinion.

So two people can see the "big picture" but if they do not share the ability to use COMMON tool they may have unnecessary difficulties.

So some of these common tools IMHO are:

Patience
Able to communicate (Listening being the key component)
Able to compromise
Unselfishness
Respect for others opinions

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