Are You Attracted to the Wrong Men? Break the Pattern

Date: Tuesday, May 19, 2009
By: Margot Carmichael Lester, Match.com





Is your “type” the type who’s emotionally unavailable? Do you find his irresponsibility irresistible? Is it hard to deny a guy with a wandering eye? If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to a Mr. Right who’s all wrong, it could be more than just bad luck.

Maybe you’re dating the wrong guys so you can avoid making a commitment. Perhaps you’re picking poorly so you have an excuse to break up with him before he can break up with you. Or could it be that you enjoy the drama or attention that comes from serial breakups?

Whatever your reason, you’ve gotten into a pattern. Now that you’ve admitted it, you have to decide if you want to continue keeping true love at arm’s length, or if you want to embrace your issues and start dealing with them.

If you choose to deal, you can break these bad habits with three not-so-secret weapons, says Los Angeles psychotherapist Sheila Newton, Ph.D., M.F.T.: Self-awareness, self-validation and acceptance and self-confidence.


Step One: Becoming Self-Aware

Start changing your patterns by being honest with yourself about what really motivates you. “Be explicit about what you really need,” Newton suggests. For instance, think about why you’re dating: For fun, for a diversion or for a long-term relationship? Do you love the thrill of the hunt, or do you prefer being hunted? Do you ignore red flags because you want to keep the relationship going? Being clear on these points is crucial.


“If you’re looking for a mate, but you date men who are just in it for fun, you’ve got a problem,” Newton says. “If you like being pursued but make the first move to ‘help it along,’ you may end up attracting someone who prefers to be pursued, too.”

And if you try to keep relationships going when they’d be better off ended, you’re wasting your time. “A relationship’s not worth saving if it drives you nuts or pushes your buttons,” Newton says.


Step Two: Finding Self-Validation and Acceptance

Next, the key to learning from your past is to review what worked in your past and what didn’t. Don’t beat yourself up about it, though.

Instead, be glad you’ve got it figured out and then set to changing your behaviors.

Undertaking this kind of self-improvement can be tough to do alone. Friends and family might be able to help. “Ask close friends to give you feedback,” Newton says. They probably spotted that nasty pattern long before you did. And they’ve usually got some advice on how to break it. At the very least, most of them are willing to help.

“I had a buddy system with my friend Al,” recalls Marcie Dunn of Pittsboro, NC. “I gave him carte blanche to point out when I was falling back into bad behaviors. It really helped having someone calling me on it.” Got a deeper issue? Seek professional help.


Step Three: Summoning Your Self-Confidence

Maybe the ultimate habit-breaker is learning to like yourself as you are. “So often, we’re focused on having the other person like us so we put on a façade that keeps us from being ourselves,” Newton says. “Instead, try being realistic. Don’t be afraid to say ‘This is who I am — take it or leave it.’”

How will this help you choose better guys? “If you know what you’re about, your instincts will react positively or negatively to people you meet,” Newton says. “Figuring out how to listen to your instincts is a great pattern-breaker.”

Self-awareness also builds confidence, which helps you avoid settling for less than you deserve. “Once you know where you’re coming from and where you want to go,” Newton concludes, “you’re much more likely to attract someone who brings out the best in you and gives you what you want and need.
 
 BLACK by NATURE, PROUD by CHOICE.
Original Post
You have to ask how is it that a guy with less to offer a woman often get that beautiful, hot sexy, well educated, loving woman? It is about how women and men are socially programmed and specifically women genetically predisposed to be physically attracted to alpha attributes in men, in the end it is really about the survival of the species, right? We are indeed animals with instincts but we also think and reason but it is often the instincts that take over. When I see a sexy woman my first thoughts are not about her personality in fact I assume it must be one I will like anyway given the fact she is so fine, heck a lot of men will put up with almost anything if she is real fine and like to put it down like he likes it, often, and he will figure out how to adjust to keep her in his pin.

Women like men who take charge but are not arrogant and men are attracted to sexy but feminine women. But on a primal level women are attracted to Alpha like qualities, women need to see strength, security, excitement. But many women confuse that with muscle, physical presence, rugged manliness and flash such as fast cars and style which have little to do with what makes a real man.

The fact is, primal sexual attraction is what gets a woman’s attention from the get go. And if he can put it down like she likes it she will put up with a loser who display alpha like qualities, which is why some women are often attracted to thugs who seem to thrive and take charge in chaos. Those were good qualities centuries years ago for hunters and warriors but her instinct is to bond to someone she is sexually attracted to and can provide security, even with a loser who display alpha like qualities but can not deliver in the real world.

Experienced women learn to reason out of these primal instincts after they have been burned by losers who know how to play the Alpha game and look deeper for a man who can actually deliver the stability she wants in the real world. That’s it in a nutshell.
There are two choices the Vending Machine and the Slot Machine:

The vending machine type of guy--she can see straight through him. He puts money in (in this case money=time), makes a selection and out it comes. As predicted. Same way each time. He won't last long before she gets bored.

Now the slot machine type guy--Girls are attracted to all the whirling lights, music and lured in by the CHANCE of scoring big and being sweeped off their feet. Stick your money in and pull the lever and see what comes out...........HE'S the guy that will walk off with the rent money, leave her with a kid and the car note--but not the car and he's off to next hot, sista.

Some women go for that slot machine each and everytime, ooh he is exciting and fine but with some issues, but I can change him nono
I can agree with almost everything you have just said here, Momentum ... except this one sentence here .... Smile

quote:
Originally posted by Momentum:
The fact is, primal sexual attraction is what gets a woman’s attention from the get go.


Primal sexual attraction does get a woman's attention .. but not necessarily from the 'get go'.

Most women are initially seeking out a 'whole package' in a man. And his alpha-like qualities (or the lack thereof) are what tend to show first and where attraction is intiated. But not in a (purely) 'sexual' way .. not at first.

A man usually has to exhibit a combination of (perceived) preferred qualities before true attraction really takes place. And, I think the biggest problem is that a woman will continue to see what she thinks she initially saw in a man, who really doesn't possess those qualities at all, upon further inspection.

But by then, her heart (and her body) has probably become invested .. and she doesn't know how, at that point, to just say no.
quote:
Originally posted by Momentum:
Well I'm a typical guy and you know where my mind wonders too so many times a day. Razz So it stands to reason why I might not be exactly on target. Sometimes trim dominates my thoughts as I multi-task throughout the day.


LOL .. yeah .. I figured it to be no more than merely an honest mistake! Wink

You men, as visual creatures, tend more to think like that. We women, as more analytical, throw in a couple more criteria .. before we get to the 'jumpin' his bones' part! Big Grin

But, other than that .. you nailed that perspective pretty well! tfro
I don't know about EbonyRose, but yes I like to look at men who look good because I definitely have a physical attraction to them. I have to keep it real. As men often do the same except they don't have to give the politically correct answer. Only women do??
I love to look at a sexy med brown to dark skinned black man with a nice physique, not necessarily buff just a healthy looking brother well groomed. Not a lot to ask for.
quote:
Originally posted by Yemaya:
I don't know about EbonyRose, but yes I like to look at men who look good because I definitely have a physical attraction to them. I have to keep it real. As men often do the same except they don't have to give the politically correct answer. Only women do??
I love to look at a sexy med brown to dark skinned black man with a nice physique, not necessarily buff just a healthy looking brother well groomed. Not a lot to ask for.


Yeah, Yemaya ... but you don't consider seriously hookin' up with every good looking man you see just based on the fact that he looks good, do you?? Confused

That's what I was talking about. Smile

I can fully appreciate the beauty of a Black man .. don't get me wrong on that, girlfriend! Big Grin But, I think men and women tend to pick the wrong person for different reasons ... and for women, it's not mainly due to being blinded by an uncontrollable animal magnetism. Not most of the time, anyway! Razz
But there are some good men, with no record and degreed I see them everyday and I hear them complaining that they can't find the one.

It's mainly kinda short guys, some who don't carry themselves very well, kinda goofy, but seem to be cool peeps.

The women they are interested in seem to be out of their league as far as physical beauty but the brothaz feel like they are not.

Some dudes have trouble finding dates and having a decent freak life while single.
quote:
Originally posted by Momentum:
But there are some good men, with no record and degreed I see them everyday and I hear them complaining that they can't find the one.


I know some of them, too! Smile I also know good guys who are with someone who is not the right someone for them, either.


quote:
Some dudes have trouble finding dates and having a decent freak life while single.


LOL ... While married or with someone, too! laugh Razz
The biggest problem is that too many aren't honest with themselves. They see what they want to see.
I've got sons. When things didn't work out with their father. I decided not to go running around with different men, trying to find someone. I worked on me & their father having a decent relationship and now that they are grown and out the house, I am working on me having a man. I didn't think it would be fair to either. A new relationship takes time & energy as do children. I had to put my priorities in line.
Not everyone can do that.
quote:
Originally posted by EbonyRose:
quote:
Originally posted by Momentum:
Well I'm a typical guy and you know where my mind wonders too so many times a day. Razz So it stands to reason why I might not be exactly on target. Sometimes trim dominates my thoughts as I multi-task throughout the day.


LOL .. yeah .. I figured it to be no more than merely an honest mistake! Wink

You men, as visual creatures, tend more to think like that. We women, as more analytical, throw in a couple more criteria .. before we get to the 'jumpin' his bones' part! Big Grin

But, other than that .. you nailed that perspective pretty well! tfro


I don't know about that. That's how a few women I know got into situations they wish they weren't in. Just cuz it looks nice, don't mean it's nice for ya.
quote:
Originally posted by Momentum:
But there are some good men, with no record and degreed I see them everyday and I hear them complaining that they can't find the one.

It's mainly kinda short guys, some who don't carry themselves very well, kinda goofy, but seem to be cool peeps.

The women they are interested in seem to be out of their league as far as physical beauty but the brothaz feel like they are not.

Some dudes have trouble finding dates and having a decent freak life while single.


And what's wrong with that? IMHO, there's really know such thing as "being out of one's league." That's just a cop-out, disguised as a weeding out process to see what type of woman a guy is deserving of. Either that or a way to discourage nerdy, or non-thuggish good men from being self-confident, because those men shouldn't be confident in the first place, according to those who think they shouldn't even bother asking those supermodel-looking women at all. If all people believed that, there probably would be no human population on earth. If there really were such a thing as being out of one's league, Flavor Flav wouldn't be a father of seven children. Hell, he wouldn't even be sexually active.
quote:
Originally posted by Huey:
quote:
Originally posted by Momentum:
But there are some good men, with no record and degreed I see them everyday and I hear them complaining that they can't find the one.

It's mainly kinda short guys, some who don't carry themselves very well, kinda goofy, but seem to be cool peeps.

The women they are interested in seem to be out of their league as far as physical beauty but the brothaz feel like they are not.

Some dudes have trouble finding dates and having a decent freak life while single.


And what's wrong with that? IMHO, there's really know such thing as "being out of one's league." That's just a cop-out, disguised as a weeding out process to see what type of woman a guy is deserving of. Either that or a way to discourage nerdy, or non-thuggish good men from being self-confident, because those men shouldn't be confident in the first place, according to those who think they shouldn't even bother asking those supermodel-looking women at all. If all people believed that, there probably would be no human population on earth. If there really were such a thing as being out of one's league, Flavor Flav wouldn't be a father of seven children. Hell, he wouldn't even be sexually active.


Ok why is it that men automatically presume that they have the right to upgrade while sistas just have to settle for blue collar joe? What kind of double standard BS is that?
quote:
Originally posted by Yemaya:
Ok why is it that men automatically presume that they have the right to upgrade while sistas just have to settle for blue collar joe? What kind of double standard BS is that?
I'm trying to figure out what you mean by this. Who is denying women "the right to upgrade"? And it seems to me that there are lots of guys who feel like the most desirable women are out of their league.
quote:
Originally posted by Vox:
quote:
Originally posted by Yemaya:
Ok why is it that men automatically presume that they have the right to upgrade while sistas just have to settle for blue collar joe? What kind of double standard BS is that?
I'm trying to figure out what you mean by this. Who is denying women "the right to upgrade"? And it seems to me that there are lots of guys who feel like the most desirable women are out of their league.


yeah
quote:
Originally posted by Yemaya:
quote:
Originally posted by Huey:
quote:
Originally posted by Momentum:
But there are some good men, with no record and degreed I see them everyday and I hear them complaining that they can't find the one.

It's mainly kinda short guys, some who don't carry themselves very well, kinda goofy, but seem to be cool peeps.

The women they are interested in seem to be out of their league as far as physical beauty but the brothaz feel like they are not.

Some dudes have trouble finding dates and having a decent freak life while single.


And what's wrong with that? IMHO, there's really know such thing as "being out of one's league." That's just a cop-out, disguised as a weeding out process to see what type of woman a guy is deserving of. Either that or a way to discourage nerdy, or non-thuggish good men from being self-confident, because those men shouldn't be confident in the first place, according to those who think they shouldn't even bother asking those supermodel-looking women at all. If all people believed that, there probably would be no human population on earth. If there really were such a thing as being out of one's league, Flavor Flav wouldn't be a father of seven children. Hell, he wouldn't even be sexually active.


Ok why is it that men automatically presume that they have the right to upgrade while sistas just have to settle for blue collar joe? What kind of double standard BS is that?



Speaking of double standard BS, why do women automatically think they deserve a men that's 6'4", Mr. Olympia, Boris Kodjoe lookalike, while men have to take the sistas "as is," like some Tyler Perry, "I-have-four degrees-but-no-job, I weigh 300 lbs., looking for a bus-driving/millionaire pretty-boy to take care my 6 kids and beat up ALL my baby-daddies for their child support," play/movie fantasy? Now THAT'S bs
I hear Men talking all of the time about their "standards" for Women....and when Women come up with their own standards, we are told those standards are "too high....be comfortable with 'everyday joes'....."

I think both sexes look for what they desire, believing that they may be able to aquire the type of individual they are after. Our "have it all" type society has shown us that it is possible to have some of "the dream", if not the whole fantasy...

Part of breaking the pattern to being attracted to the wrong type of partner is in looking at each individual realistically...and then looking at our own circumstances honestly. That does not mean having a self esteem bash and a pity party if everything in your life is not the way that you envision them. Nor does that give one who wants to date a license to throw Common Sense out of the window for fear of remaining "alone". But that does mean assessing what you are good at, what positive skills and qualities you possess and figuring out what you need to work on. It also involves asking how the other party can enhance or detract from your positive and negatives in life.

"Wisdom Is A Woman Contributing!"

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