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My little brother (who is 17) and I got into a really big physical fight over the weekend. I don't even know how it started. It's just that he's always... he takes after our birth father even though he's never spent any time with him. I'm still reeling from the whole thing. I mean we were fighting like two strangers. I have always been in his corner; I stood up for him when everyone in our family was saying... I'm the one person who took him in when my mother put him out because he got into it with her. No one else, not even those who claim to be so crazy about him, offered to let him stay. I'm sad not only for me, but for my mom because it took her and my stepfather to break us apart. I'm really at the point where I'm washing my hands of him. I prayed, begged God that we would be nothing like that man, but that night I saw him in my baby brother. And what scares the hell out of me is that I saw him in myself for the first time. I wanted to do serious damage to that little boy and would have had my mother and pops not been there. That scares me more than anything, to know that I could hurt somebody I love like that. I'm trying really really hard not to crawl inside myself and pull away from everyone because of that fear. I keep think what if my husband and I ever get into anything serious, will I turn to violence like I did with my brother... true he did hit me first, but I hit him back and kept hitting. How am I supposed to help anyone when I'm hurting and scared and unsure and just not in the position to give an advice to anyone about anything?
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