I had to stop. . .
I had to get out of the car and walk. . .
it was starting to get windy and in a dreamy sort of way, the weather fit my mood. . .
just 30 minutes before I had received a call from a friend telling me that the cancer she fought almost 3 years ago. . .was back with a vengeance.
This time the cancer had invaded her brain, lungs, and uterus.
Damn. . .
I felt like I had been sucker punched as I listened to her intently. . .she seemed to have a positive attitude and there were no tears in her voice that I could tell. . .
Friend: I'm gonna beat this
me: I know you will and I'm there for you whenever you need me
Friend: keep me in your prayers, ok? I don't want to die. I want to live to see my daughter graduate from college. . .I want to travel with D (her significant other) and I want to retire someday and enjoy my retirement money.
Me: yeah, all that planning & investing for retirement and we have way too many years left to mention. . .I can only believe that you'll do all the things you planned & more.
Friend: I love you
Me: I know you do, I love you too.
What I didn't say was how guilty I felt ... cause I hadn't been such a good friend lately. Seems I am always too busy to visit, too busy to talk. . .too busy to . . .
Me: call me if you need me, I promise I'll be there for you
Friend: I know you will.
My heart hurt. . .
There was nothing more to say [for now]. . .
It was at this point that I decided to stop; pulling over to park my car at the first opportunity. I needed to walk, I needed to think. So I parked the car and got out. . .taking my camera with me. I could feel the wind against my face, causing me to look up. It was cold. The wind was blowing hard, bending & twisting tree branches all around. It was such a twilight zone moment that I expected to hear the [twilight zone] theme song at any moment. I took my camera out of it's case and proceeded to snap pictures of the trees. I wanted to capture this moment; this feeling of numbness.
And I couldn't help but think of another time in my life. . .another time & space when yet another friend had fought a similar battle with cancer. The cancer was discovered in her early twenties and she fought the good fight all the way to the ripe old age of 30. . .
I took a deep breath and began to walk; snapping pictures along the way. . .right now I would give myself over to the moment. . .allowing myself to remember Teresa.
The trees. . .