S t . M o m ' s W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment
of country western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as, "You
make me want to be a better person ...
can we get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD
or a book by Dr. Laura.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
S e x c e d r i n
Bedroom aerosol spray for men.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend,
saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it