Got Jokes?

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked

"To get my teeth!"
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
A man is standing on top a mountain talking to God. The man asks, "Dear Lord, is it true that a million years is but a second to You?" God replies, "That is true." Then the man asks, "Is it also true that a million dollars is but a penny to You, Lord?" God answers, "That is also true, my son." So the man, actually thinking he can outwit the Almighty, asks, "Can I have a penny?" And God answers, "Just a second."
Hillary at an Elementary School

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
A mail man was finally retiring after 40 years of delivering mail on the same route. Neither snow or rain, nor heat nor hail prevented him from making a single delivery. As you would imagine, the residents on his route were sorry to see him go.

At each delivery, the residents gave him tokens of their appreciation. He got cards full of money, freshly baked cakes, pies and cookies and the such.

As he arrived at the last house on the route, he found the door wide open. Concerned, the mail man poked his head in a called out to the residents, "Uhm, Mr. Smith? Mrs. Smith? Is anyone home? Is everything alright?

Just then Mrs. Smith walked to the door completely naked. Mrs. Smith then grabbed the mail man by the hand and led him to the bedroom. Immediately upon arriving to the bedroom, Mrs. Smith pushed the mail man to the bed and proceeded to make wild and passionate love with him.

After a couple of hours, she stood up and handed the mail man a single dollar, and led the completely satisfied mail man to the kitchen where Mrs. Smith cooked him a wonderful lunch.

As soon as the mail man had finished, Mrs. Smith took the mail man by the hand, led him to the front door and pushed him out.

As the Mail man was headed out the door, he said, "Lord knows I'm not complaining, but what was that all about."

Mrs. Smith responded, "Well, I was just doing what my husband suggested." Mrs. Smith went on to explain: "When I told my husband that I had heard that this was your last day on the job after more than 40 years of delivering the mail. I don't know you well, but I know that in the 3 years we've lived here you have never missed a day. And, when I asked him what I should give you as a token of our appreciation, he told me: 'Fu*k him, give him a dollar' ... the lunch was my idea." lol
It's an oldie from Redd Foxx

A woman comes into the doctor with uncontrollable sneezes.....she says:

"Doc, I don't know what it is...I can't stop sneezing, and everytime I do.....I climax."

So the Doc says: "well what are you doing for it."

She says: "sniffing pepper"

lol
This one is called:

Dark in Here!

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the
boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold"

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost I'm taking you to church, to confession."

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet now."

laugh
An old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank"

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

" I see, " says the manager "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?


A cherry float.

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Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?


To find a tight seal.

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Two sperm are swimming along and the one is starting to get tired. He asks his buddy, "How far do you think is it to the uterus? I'm getting pretty tired!"

His buddy says, "I'm not sure but I think it's a long way; we just passed the adams apple."


*************************

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 5-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
BRAIN CRAMPS

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss America 1995 from Alabama Heather Whitestone

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Popular Pop Singer Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
(During an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.) Model, movie and TV actress Brooke Shields

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--University of Kentucky Basketball Forward Winston Bennett

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."-- A congressional candidate in Texas

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies Manager Danny Ozark

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It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore

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"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves, How much clean air do we need?" --Chrysler Chairman and CEO Lee Iacocca

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The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --NFL Quarterback and Sports Analyst Joe Theisman

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." ---ROTC Instructor Colonel Gerald Wellman

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery....(who?)

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Greenville, South Carolina Department of Social Services

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."---FCC Chairman Mark S. Fowler
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

***********************

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes,the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

***********************

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."
My wife just sent me this via e-mail.


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day
How to impress a woman:

Compliment her.
Respect her.
Honour her.
Cuddle her.
Kiss her.
Caress her.
Loveher.
Stroke her.
Tease her.
Please her.
Comfort her.
Protect her.
Hug her.
Hold her.
Spend money on her.
Wine and dine her.
Buy things for her.
Listen to her.
Care for her.
Stand by her.
Support her.
Hold her.
Go to the ends of the Earth for her.

How to impress a man:
Show up in revealing attire.
Bring food.
The Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
This Year's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
"I'm from the Government and I'm here to help you."

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me.

See this card?

The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm work.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

"YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!"
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
"I'm from the Government and I'm here to help you."

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me.

See this card?

The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm work.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

"YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!"



hahahahaha! That was too cute, Fabulous!

"Wisdom Is A Woman Laughin!"
So i met this girl who worked at starbucks, and i worked up the courage to ask her on a date. After a couple conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn't really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unzipped my jeans, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally gets all the way down, looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I've ever seen and says "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast" and I'm like "No way, you had candy for breakfast?" She replies, "Not candy! Reese's puffs cereal!" So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter taste.
quote:
Originally posted by AlwaysFidelis:
So i met this girl who worked at starbucks, and i worked up the courage to ask her on a date. After a couple conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn't really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unzipped my jeans, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally gets all the way down, looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I've ever seen and says "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast" and I'm like "No way, you had candy for breakfast?" She replies, "Not candy! Reese's puffs cereal!" So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter taste.


Confused I don't get it.
quote:
Originally posted by AlwaysFidelis:
So i met this girl who worked at starbucks, and i worked up the courage to ask her on a date. After a couple conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn't really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unzipped my jeans, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally gets all the way down, looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I've ever seen and says "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast" and I'm like "No way, you had candy for breakfast?" She replies, "Not candy! Reese's puffs cereal!" So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter taste.

Um . . . AF . . . are you trying to share with us that your body parts taste like candy-flavored cereal? Or, that girl really wasn't a month older than you? 19

Either way I'm tellin'!
This is plain ole mean-spirited.

Loyalty in marriage

Just a wee story about loyalty in marriage...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired,you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."


Eek
quote:
Originally posted by Fabulous:
This is plain ole mean-spirited.

Loyalty in marriage

Just a wee story about loyalty in marriage...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired,you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."


Eek


lol
This is just wrong...

WE'VE ALL SPOKEN TO HIM

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.


The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'


Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'


The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow , Pink and Green '


Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'


The manager said, 'Go ahead.'


Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow, this is Mujibar.'


Mujibar now works at a call center.


No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
A Great Canadian Joke



The Canadian Mounties always get their man!

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked RCMP for help. Within a minute RCMP e-mailed the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair of your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....
Originally posted by EbonyRose
quote:
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair of your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....


fro 20 Thanks Sista EbonyRose....I needed a good laugh. Whew! lol fro
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'


'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start? 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. In the bathtub and on the living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that. 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.


The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.' And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with. 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment? 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.


Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

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