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Dear Earthling,

Hello!

I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this posted message by this unsuspecting user. As you are reading it I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling.


Please pass me on to someone else because I am really horny.

La Femme Nkechi ...
Be the change in the world you want to see...and... When you know better, do better
Original Post
There was a rich man and a poor man talking. The poor man asked the rich man,"What did you get your wife for Christmas," and he said a Lexus and a fur coat!" So the poor man said Okay! Then the rich man asked the poor man,"What did you get your wife?"and the poor man said,"Some slippers and a vibrator." The rich man said, "why did you buy her that?" and the poor man said, " I figure if she don't like the slippers she can go phuck herself!"

Ha Ha Ha! big grin

------------------------------
The Lord is on my side;I will not fear:what can man do unto me?
(Psalms 118:6)


If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any
breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon,
for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't
getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's
walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?" wink
One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the
Barber replies: I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next
morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.

The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

A Brother goes for a haircut and he too goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am
doing a community Service.


The Brother is, of course, very happy and leaves the shop. Well now, the next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what HE finds there ?

A DOZEN BROTHAS WAITING FOR A FREE
HAIRCUT...............

those who stand for nothing fall for anything
  1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
  2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
  3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
  4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
  5. It is important that these four men never meet. eek
Two little brothers come downstairs to get breakfast before going to grade school. The mother asks the older brother, "What would you like for breakfast?" The older brother says, "Give me some mfkg oatmeal". The mother backhands the older boy across the face and sends him flying out of his chair and onto the floor, crashing against the wall. The mother then asks the younger boy what he would like for breakfast. The younger boy looks over at his brother and then back to his mother and says, "I sure don't want any mfkg oatmeal".
Once a long time ago an old farmer and his newly wed wife decided to take a trip into town for their honeymoon. They get to town check, into the saloon and enjoy their honeymoon. The next day they head back home an as they are playing lovey-dovey games the horse steps into a hole and trips. The farmer calmly gets out walks up to the horse and grabs it by the bridal and says "that's one". Then he gets back into the wagon and continues on the way home. Once again the horse steps into a hole and stumbles and the farmer once again walks up to the horse, grabs the horse by the bridal and says "that's two". He gets back in the wagon and continues home and about 100 yards from the house the horse hits another hole and stumbles. This time the farmer gets out of the wagon, pulls out his rifle and shoots the horse between the eyes. The wife not believing what she has seen starts yelling at the farmer, "You idiot, we were only 100 yards from the house, why did you shoot the horse". The farmer walks over to his wife looks her in the eyes and says "that's one" ............. l
romance mathematics-

smart man + smart woman = romance

smart man + dumb woman = affair

dumb man + smart woman = marriage

dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


office arithmetic


smart boss + smart employee = profit

smart boss + dumb employee = production

dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


shopping math


a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn


general equations & statistics


a woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

a successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

a successful woman is one who can find such a man.



happiness


to be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little.

to be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.



appearance


men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

women somehow deteriorate during the night.



propensity to change


a woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn

a man marries a woman expecting that she won change, and she does.



discussion technique


a woman has the last word in any argument.

anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A ventriloquist is going through his routine of jokes about mentally challenged blondes when a blonde jumps up and says, "I have had enough about you making fun of us. We are human and we have feelings. Why are you always picking on us and making us the object of ridicule all the time?" The ventriloquist starts to apologize when the blonde says, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that jerk sitting in your lap."
A patient goes in to see his doctor. The doctor comes in and tells the patient, "Well, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The patient says, "Well, doc, give me the good news first." The doc says, "You have twenty four hours to live." The patient says, "Well what in the world is the bad news?" The doctor responds, "I forgot to tell you yesterday."
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.He came to the doorstep
of a
house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money. I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex,
and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.
A bus carrying 3 preachers and their wives to a convention plunges over a cliff sending all of them to their deaths. Upon arrival at the pearly gates, the first preacher steps forward and announces his arrival. But is stopped by St. Peter. St. Peter tells him, "We have no place for the likes of you. You are a man who loved money more than the Lord. You loved money so much you married a woman named Penny. So to hell you go." And the preacher vanished.

Seeing this the second minister stepped forward with confidence for he had given away all of his money years before and chose to live in poverty. But St. Peter told him, "We have no place for the likes of you. You are a man that loved the fruit of the vine more than you loved the Lord. You loved drink so much that you married a woman named Brandy. To hell you go." And the second preacher vanished.

Upon seeing this the third preacher turned to his wife and said, "Let's go Kat. They ain't got no room."
*The Difference Between Men and Women* - Author Unknown

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -
even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is
shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help
the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel
so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There
is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to
come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he
thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into
his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says. "Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place,
he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes
deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two
South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice
in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way
he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks,
maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Author unknown ...

The wise woman wishes to be no one's enemy, the wise woman refuses to be anyone's victim. -Maya Angelou
Here is one my cousin sent me:

"Communication Problem"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
This isn't a joke, it's a news of the weird, from Australia Blind, disabled 'should be able to fly':

By MATTHEW DENHOLM Work and Family Reporter
27sep02
THE physically and mentally disabled may no longer be barred from becoming pilots or air traffic controllers.

Eyesight and other medical tests imposed on flight crew have been found to be in breach of anti-discrimination laws.

The finding, by the Federal Attorney General's Department has created fears air safety regulators will be hit with discrimination complaints.

Civil Aviation Safety Authority lawyers have made an urgent application to the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission for an exemption from federal Sex and Disability Discrimination Acts.

Under CASA rules, pilots, flight navigators, flight engineers and air traffic controllers must past strict eyesight and hearing tests.

They are also refused licences if they have heart, respiratory, immune system and blood pressure conditions which could affect safety.

In some cases, pregnant women or those with severe menstrual problems can also be barred.

CASA is confident the commission will back its call for an exemption to allow the medical standards to continue.

But its application – subject to a commission inquiry – is complicated by union fears about a wider agenda.

CASA plans to subject cabin crew to medical tests similar to those applied to pilots.

The Flight Attendant's Association fears the tests could be used to exclude crew who are overweight, short or suffer from minor complaints such as asthma.

"We don't want a one-size fits all medical approach," association official Guy Mclean said. The union has sought talks with the commission to discuss CASA's bid for an exemption to the discrimination Acts.

And it wants CASA to clarify its plans.

CASA spokesman Peter Gibson warned any delay to the granting of an exemption could leave the way open to discrimination complaints.

"Clearly it's in our interests for the commission to make a determination as soon as it possibly can," he said.

"Without [enforceable medical standards] you would not be able to guarantee the safety of flights because you couldn't guarantee that pilots were safe to carry out their jobs."
Blacks to whites:

COLOR
When I was born, I was black.
When I grow up, I'm black.
When I'm ill, I'm black.
When I go out in the sun, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I die, I'm black.

But you -

When you're born, you're pink.
When you grow up, you're white.
When you're ill, you're green.
When you go out in the sun, you go red.
When you're cold, you go blue.
When you die, you're purple.

And you have the nerve to call me colored?

smile
S t . M o m ' s W o r t

Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
_____________________________

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n

Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
_____________________________

P e p t o b i m b o

Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and improves flirting.
______________________________

D u m e r o l

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment
of country western music.
______________________________

F l i p i t o r

Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.
______________________________

A n t i b o y o t i c s

When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
______________________________

M e n i c i l l i n

Potent antiboyotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as, "You
make me want to be a better person ...
can we get naked now?"
______________________________

B u y a g r a

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
______________________________

Extra Strength Buy-One-all

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD
or a book by Dr. Laura.
______________________________

J a c k A s s p i r i n

Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
______________________________

A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.
______________________________

S e x c e d r i n

Bedroom aerosol spray for men.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
______________________________

R a g a m e t

When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend,
saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very
dark night
and in the middle of a storm. The night was cold and no cars
went by, the
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of
him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy
without thinking
about it got in the car closes the door just to realize
there's nobody
behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at
the road and sees
a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for
his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the
curve, a hand
appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy,
paralyzed in terror
watched how the hand appears every time they are before a
curve.

The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to
the nearest
town. Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks for two
shots of
tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible
experience he went
through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was
crying and
wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina
and one said to
the other. "Look Pepe, that's the weird nut that jumped in
the car when we
were
pushing it."
An 92 year old man meets a 19 year old woman in a bar. After several drinks, the couple hurries out of the bar, runs across the street into the motel. They get a room and can bearly contain themselves. They get in the room, fall on the bed and begin passionately kissing. Off come the clothes and after some effort, the old man enters his young mate.

After several hours of wild sex, the old man looks over and says," Dearly, you were so tight. I'm sorry. If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken my time and made love to you right." The young woman just laughed and said, "Old man, if I had known you could get it up, I would have taken off my panty-hose."
* marriage=the most expensive way to get your laundry and house cleaned for free

* first guy: "My wife is an angel"
second guy: "Man you lucky, cuz my wife is still alive"

* Having sex with your pregnant wife, is like putting gas in your car after you wrecked it smile
Jim went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, Jim went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Jim that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

Jim thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says Jim. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance... eek
welcome to the boards Melesi!! you'll get the hang of it.

you have 60 mins after you post to go back and edit something you've posted or even delete it if it hasn't been replied to. you can try on those above if you still have time. other wise you can send a private message to MBM (the host) and ask them to be removed. OR--we can just save them for prosperity!!! smile

welcome!! big grin

Don't make me come down there. --God
1. You can kill your own food.

2. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

3. You know stuff about military tanks.

4. You can open your own jars.

5. A five-day vacation takes one suitcase.

6.You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

7. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

8. If a friend forgets to invite you to something, he's still your friend.

9. Your underwear is cheap.

10. If you are 34 and single, nobody cares.

11. Everything on your face stays its original color.

12. You never use the passenger-side brake pedal.

13. Three pairs of shoes are enough.

14. You can watch an entire game without talking and never think, "He must be mad at me."

15. Your friends never trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"

16. You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

17. You don't have to know more than five colors.

18. The same hairstyle lasts for years.

19. You don't have to shave below your neck.

20. Belching can be fun.

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